Equilibrium
by STech
Summary: Follow Athrun on an angsty journey throughout his training. Watch as he gives you a first hand look into the development of a soldier, and experiences war, hate, love and loss.
1. Chapter 1: Tragic Means

"How may I help you?"

"Um, hi. I called earlier, inquiring about enlistment?"

"Your name please?" The secretary asks, looking rather bored and unamused as she types incessantly on her keyboard.

"Athrun Zala."

Upon hearing my name, the young looking secretary finally gazes up at me, seemingly in awe. I look away almost automatically. I'm used to this; it's the very reason that I hate declaring my name. It's the usual response; however, being the son of the supreme council chairman, it isn't the unexpected one. My father's name is well known, and evidently not overly common. For some reason, no one ever suspects that maybe I'm just some kid with the same last name as him. It isn't as though I look anything like him.

Finally, the secretary breaks her awkward glance and returns her eyes to her computer screen. Unfortunately I'm still not completely relieved, as I can feel the piercing stares of others within the waiting room. The woman hands me a clipboard complete with a thick stack of papers.

"Fill these out please," she says, staring up at me yet again. I take the clipboard from her and leave the room as quickly as I can without running.

I wander down the hall until I find what seems like a quiet, unoccupied corridor. I sit cross-legged on the floor and begin filling out the infinite amount of paper work. 1. Name: Athrun Zala. 2. Date of birth: October 29, CE55. 3. Gender: male. 4. Status: Coordinator. 5. Place of Birth: December city. 6a) Father's name: Patrick Zala. b) Mother's name:

I pause for a moment. Mother… Lenore Zala, deceased. My pen stops in the middle of the word and I have to force myself to continue. I feel the all too familiar feeling of tears forming in my eyes as the scene plays over for the millionth time in my head…

I'm sitting in my English class, bored as usual, instant messaging on my lap top with my best friend who ironically sits right behind me. I should probably be paying attention to the lesson but I'm not. I glance up to the front of the room as the sound of a knock on the wooden door overcomes the room. The professor answers the door, and a young looking messenger boy hands the man a small pink piece of paper. He reads it, and then his eyes fall upon me.

"Athrun Zala? You're wanted in the main office," the man says formally.

I glance down as a message pops up in the corner of my computer screen, 'you're in trouble now!' I glance behind me to shoot Kira a jokingly agitated expression, then quickly close my laptop and follow the young boy to the office.

I snap out of my reminiscing daydream as a boy who looks about my own age walks by me. He has dark hair and unmistakably distinct red eyes that bear an ill mannered stare as he passes me. I quickly wipe my eyes on my right sleeve, and continue to fill out the form.

7. Current educational facility: Lunar preparatory school. 8. Health Concerns: none. I continue mindlessly filling in blank spaces, my mind still locked onto the image of the boy with the poisonous red eyed stare. Why had they felt so hostile? It isn't until I reach question 24 that I regain my focus.

Why do you wish to join the Zodiac Alliance of Freedom Treaty Military?

I wrack my brain for an answer, but I can't put my feelings into words. The best answer I can come up with is 'refer to questions 6 a and b.' I see this as being the only reason I would _not_ obtain a position with the military, what with my father being the leader of the nation and all; I really don't have a sure answer as to why I want to join. Is it for my father? To win his approval and praise? Is it to avenge my mother? Or is it simply because I feel that I can no longer sit around and do nothing while people are dying? It could really be any or all of these reasons. Regardless of the root, I feel that it's time I did my part. Those specific words sound pathetic when written on paper, so I leave the answer as is. As much as I hate to take advantage of my father's position, I am his son and for that reason, I won't be declined.

"Thank you, Mr. Zala," the secretary says as I hand her the completed pile of forms. She seems to have her eyes intently focus on my crimson red shirt. "We'll be in touch," she says, finally looking up at me, "by the way, red's a good colour on you." She winks at me, and I raise my right eye brow in confusion. Rather than try to understand, I walk away.

I walk quickly back along the hallway toward the main entrance. I'm surprised as I glance to my right to see the boy with the red eyes again. Despite my best efforts to look away, we make a somewhat awkward eye contact. The boy grunts angrily, shoots me another dirty look and looks back down at his papers.

I don't understand; why is he so bitter? Perhaps he experienced something similar to what I went through only days ago. I pick up my pace and walk out the door into the radiating sunny day. My mind returns to that day; that terrible, life changing day.

"Athrun, please, take a seat," the principle says to me, gesturing for me to sit in the chair in front of him. "Your father is on his way, but first I must inform you of a… most unfortunate event," he says, spinning his chair around to face the other way. His sentence trails off in a way that worries me. A thousand thoughts fly through my head; every possibility of what might be said next flood my mind faster than I can even comprehend the first. Meetings beginning like this never end well. It seems like an eternity before he finally speaks again.

"Junius Seven has just suffered a massive, fatal attack. So far there have been no survivors reported. Although it is unconfirmed, it is likely that your mother has passed on."

The news hits me like a bullet in the chest. I feel winded, like my lungs refuse to take in oxygen. I don't feel angry or sad; all I feel is shock.

"I'm going to leave you now; your father should be here shortly. The school counselor is in the next office if you should feel the need to speak with her." I barely hear the man's words as he exits the room. I still can't absorb what I've just heard. My body becomes limp and I fall off of the chair and onto the floor. I know I should be crying right now, but the tears just won't come.

I shake my head and snap back to reality. I feel the tears enter my eyes for the thousandth time. I think I know the answer to question number twenty four now. I want to join the military because of my mother's death. But will it really help? Perhaps I just feel that I can't simply sit around and do nothing any longer. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I break into a run down the driveway and towards the street. I know that my family's limousine service is only a phone call away, but I jog to the bus stop instead. When I arrive at my destination, I lean forward to catch my breath and again wipe my eyes on my sleeve. Thankfully there is no one else around to see me in my pathetic state.

My mother had been doing research on Junius Seven when it happened. It was only an agricultural plant. Why would they choose to destroy that particular PLANT? That was where the majority of their food supplies came from. The question of why has yet to be answered, but the number of survivors has been confirmed: zero. It was usual for my mother to visit that PLANT, she did so every month or so for work. I had thought nothing of it when she had told me she'd been going. Although no survivors have been reported, there is still this lingering hope in the back of my mind hoping that she's floating off in space somewhere in a life pod.

I lean against the bus sign and cross my arms across my chest. I know how unlikely it is, but I can't help but hope. Then I think of my father. Since the incident he's been so reclusive. It's not that we were ever that close, but I would think that under circumstances such as these, families should comfort each other. We definitely won't 'get through this together,' that's for sure. If anything, he's been away from home more lately. This might be because of the attack on its own, but even when he is around he just seems so… angry all the time.

My eyes widen; how could I not realize it before. Maybe the reason he's so distant is because as the chairman, it's his responsibility to see this whole event from a political standpoint.

I'm startled as the bus pulls up in front of me and opens its doors. I plunge my hand into my pocket to look for change to throw into the dispenser. I then wander aimlessly until I find an empty seat and I sit down next to the window. I wonder if my father has spoken to anyone about this event. I know he's the all powerful chairman of the PLANTs, but he's a normal human being with emotions and feelings too. I wish I could talk to him; I wish that we could comfort each other, but I know better than to hope for that. Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever had a conversation about anything related to emotions.

I continue to stare mindlessly out the window until the scenes begin to look familiar. I pull the cord to signal the driver to stop as we near my house, and I thank him as I step off the bus.

"Why does the bus come down here anyways? It's not as though the residents of this area need to take the bus," I hear a young man mutter. I glance back, but quickly brush it off. I have more important things to worry about at present moment.

The large vehicle pulls away, and I notice a small, dark haired, lanky figure sitting on my front steps. I approach quietly, my hands casually buried in my pockets, and I notice that he's asleep.

"Kira?" I say as I recognize the boy.

He opens his eyes, "Athrun!" he says as enthusiastically as his sleepy condition will allow. He raises his hands to his face and rubs his eyes as he stands up. "Athrun, I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner. When you didn't return to class I knew something was wrong, and then I heard about the attack. I tried to come as soon as I could, but the shuttles were all down because of the drama. Your mother, is she…?"

"Gone," I say, forcing the undesirable word to finish the sentence, "as far as we know."

I can tell by the expression on his face that this is indeed the answer he had been expecting. I know my mother was like a second mother to him. He looks as though he's going to cry, and I desperately hope he doesn't because I know what it will reduce me to. He looks up from the ground and into my eyes, he smiles weakly.

"Come on, let's go inside," he finally says.

I unlock the door and allow him to go on in first. I wander through the all too familiar doorway into the unnecessarily large house. I take my shoes off, and we both throw them into the closet. Kira is a regular at my house; he might as well just live here. Actually, since we've been attending the lunar prep school, neither of us has had time to spend at either of our houses. We reside there, only returning home for holidays. Although returning home is usually an anticipated time of the year, I can honestly say I would rather be anywhere but here now. I'm happy that Kira is with me though; it makes the house feel less empty, less lonely. Even when my father is around, the house is big enough that two people could live here together and not know the other even existed – this seems about where my father and I are currently. I can't help but wonder how things will change now that he's running the house.

Kira follows me to the kitchen and I sit down at the table, leaning forward to fold my arms on the table in front of me. As I place my chin on my forearm, my eyes follow Kira as he opens the French doors looking out onto the ocean. He then walks over to the sink and fill a glass with water before placing it in front of me and sitting down beside me.

"Thanks," I mumble, taking hold of the glass in my right hand. "You know, I can't even remember the last thing I said to her. Was I really that disconnected from her?"

"Athrun, it's not like you could have seen this coming," Kira says, "the worst thing you can do now is beat yourself up. It's only going to make you feel worse."

"Not that it makes me feel any better, but beating myself up seems like the right thing to do," I say cynically.

"I know – that's just your way of dealing with it, but none of this is even remotely your fault. It doesn't matter what you said last to her; she knew you loved her, Athrun." Kira gets it right on. Somehow he can always read my mind. Half the time he knows what I'm thinking before I do. While I was growing up, no, even now, saying I love you to my parents has always been awkward. I've never been good at expressing my feelings to anyone; not even myself.

I bury my face in my arms, and despite my best efforts to refrain, I begin to sob. I hate for Kira to see me cry like this. He and I grew up together, so he's seen me cry countless times, but just this time, I didn't want him to see. I hate displaying my weaknesses, even to my best friend.

I hear Kira's chair scrape along the floor as he moves closer. He puts a hand on my shoulder, "There's no shame in crying, Athrun. Its part of the healing process," he says- His voice too, becoming shaky.

I tilt my head to the side to look in his direction, the tears flowing uncontrollably down my face. "Thanks, Kira." He's always been like a brother to me, reliable and always there when I need him. We've seen each other through a world of difficulties. He smiles at me as if to say 'no problem,' and a single tear rolls down his cheek.

"So how's your father taking it?" Kira asks me. We've both managed to pull ourselves together, and we're currently standing on the balcony extending from my bedroom. I lean on the railing as the wind blows my long hair uncomfortably off my eyes. I've always had long enough hair to hide my eyes; it isn't that I don't like the emerald orbs that were so generously passed down by my mother, I just see my eyes as my main outlet for emotions. You can always tell how a person is feeling by looking at their eyes. I feel that if I am able to hide my eyes from the world, maybe I too can hide. It's twisted, I know.

"I'm not really sure to be honest. He just seems angry. If he's upset, he isn't showing it," I reply, staring longingly out at the ocean in front of me. I've never really appreciated this view the way I do now; it just feels peaceful.

"I see," Kira says, equally lost in the tranquility of the scene in front of us.

I pry my eyes away from the ocean and look at Kira seriously, "thanks for coming all this way."

Kira smiles at me, "well, someone had to relay your homework back to you!" He laughs.

Then it hits me; I haven't told him yet. "I forgot; I applied to the military today." I brace myself for Kira's response; I really don't have the slightest clue as to what kind of reaction I'll get.

Kira continues to gaze out at the ocean, not looking surprised at all. "I figured you might," he says, shifting his glance back to me, "I've put some thought into it as well. I decided that if you did, I would as well."

"What?!" I say loudly. This is definitely the last response I had expected. He's always been so against fighting, not to say that I'm not as well, it just doesn't seem right, Kira as a soldier. "Don't do it for me."

Kira, now staring back out to sea, avoids my request. "I've actually been thinking about it for a while now. It's like, what if a war does break out? I'd feel horrible sitting around doing nothing while our nation, our friends and family were being attacked."

Well, we definitely share that view. I too am afraid of being useless. I know it has something to do with why I joined, but I can't for the life of me get my thoughts on the matter in order. For as long as I can remember, Kira has always been so level headed. He always knows exactly what he wants and how to get it. No matter how rough the circumstances might grow, he's always calm and in control. I have always envied him a little for this, as it's a quality that I myself, greatly lack. I've always been sensitive that way; it doesn't take much to put me out of balance. Although I might not be good at hiding my emotions, I've never been one to directly let them out. No matter how unhealthy it is, I generally keep my emotions at bay until they more or less destroy me.

The sun dips down behind the mountains, and its reflection plays upon the rippling waves of the ocean. It brings about a cool breeze, and thin red t-shirt proves insufficient at blocking the cold air from my body. I adjust my black wrist band on my arm, only to notice goose bumps quickly weaving their way up to my shoulder. I shiver slightly, and snap back to reality as Kira says my name.

"Athrun?"

"Huh?" I look over to him, my eyes stinging from a combination of the tears I had shed and the cool wind whipping ruthlessly at my face.

"Let's go in; it's starting to rain," he says, turning to take shelter in the house.

"Right," I say, reluctantly following him.

We return to my room, and Kira sits on the edge of the spare bed across the room from mine. As far as I'm concerned, half of the room is his, especially since half of the contents in it are his. My mother always made a point to make Kira feel welcome in our home, even going as far to have a second bed put in my room for him. We might as well be brothers sharing a bedroom, or at least that's how my mom sees it. She treated Kira like her own, and Mrs. Yamato has always done the same for me.

"Dude?" Kira says, causing me again to snap back to reality.

"Huh?"

"Are you ok? You keep like… zoning out," he says, looking at me curiously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, what were you saying?" Only now do I realize that he was trying to say something to me while I was in my trance.

"Food." Kira says simply, indicating that he's hungry.

"You know where the kitchen is," I say rudely.

"Oh come on, you probably haven't eaten all day either," he says, dragging me out of the room by my arm. He's right.

"I have so," I lie. He stops and looks me in the eye, giving me a half open eyed looking, stating that he doesn't believe me. I don't know why I bother trying to lie to him; I know he can see right through me. I guess that's what happens when you know someone all your life. He's right though, I haven't thought about food in days.

"So, what are we eating?" Kira asks, sitting down at the kitchen table like a child.

"Ugh, I don't know," I say boringly. I open the fridge and stare unenthusiastically at several pre-prepared dishes that worried friends and neighbors had obviously dropped off. I reach in and randomly pull one of the dishes out and turn on the stove. I pour a container of rice into the rice cooker, fill it with water and flick the on switch. I then return my eyes to the dish I had pulled out. It looks like some sort of beef stew; quite possibly the most unappetizing thing I've ever laid eyes upon.

"Mmm, looks great," Kira says, his face beaming. I don't know why I feel so grumpy. Kira has always been good at pretending things are ok. I don't even know if it's that he pretends, I think it might be more along the lines of seeing the brighter side to things. I wish I could be positive like that. Then again, it isn't his mother who died. I feel my sinuses grow heavier as if I'm going to cry again. I swallow the lump in my throat and pour the dish into the pot on the stove.

At that instant, I hear the lock on the front door click; my father is home. I hold my breath as I wait for him to enter the kitchen. I don't know why I'm afraid, but it's as if I'm waiting for him to blow up at me. He finally rounds the corner to the kitchen with a sluggish pace. He looks exhausted, and his face finally displays the expression it should after losing his wife.

"Hi Mr. Zala," Kira says in a genuinely pleasant tone, "How are you?"

"Kira, what are you doing here?" My father says, obviously taken aback by Kira's presence. "Shouldn't you be at school?"

"I flew out here today," Kira says hesitantly; he knows my father. "I thought maybe you guys could use an extra hand around here, what with all the chaos occurring in the region." His words are polite, but almost nervous, almost as though he's been caught in the middle of a lie and is hastily throwing an excuse together.

"We'll I'm not sure I approve of you skipping classes. Frankly I don't know why Athrun is still here either. You two should see what you can do about booking a shuttle tomorrow." My father doesn't even bother to thank Kira for his concern.

I've grown used to this type of response from him. Kira knows him well too, but he looks a little confused by my father's blatant hostility. I don't bother trying to speak kindly with my father anymore; I only converse with him when necessary.

Kira however, being the good natured person he is, tries again. "Are you hungry Mr. Zala? We're just making something to eat and –"

My father cuts him off, "No, I already ate. Make sure you two clean up the kitchen," he says, turning to leave the room. He doubles back and looks at me, "And Athrun, let me know if there are any problems with booking a flight."

Typical, the only reason he would make the extra effort to talk to me is to ensure that I'm leaving. "Uh, yes father," I reply uneasily. I had hoped that with the passing of my mother, maybe he would act a little more fatherly, but the boat has definitely sailed on that one. "See what I mean," I begin as I hear my father is a safe distance away, "he's just so bitter." I turn back to the stove to stir the stew.

I don't need to have eyes in the back of my head to see that Kira is thinking carefully. He has seen the way my father has treated me all my life. Truth be told, it isn't that different now than it was before my mother passed. Although I often feel that I must be doing something wrong for my father to act this way, deep down I know that I'm a decent kid; at least I think I am. I don't get in trouble, I make good grades and I do pretty well whatever my parents ask of me. I never really understood what I was doing wrong. When I was eleven, I beat out forty seven other kids and won the school science fair. My father was unable to attend since he had work related matters to tend to. But even when I proudly brought home my first place blue ribbon, my father had told me not to bother him with such juvenile affairs. He and my mother fought that night, and unfortunately our large house was not enough to distance them from the crying child across the hall. That was the first and last time I cried because of my father's disregard for me. Since then I have found other ways to deal with it. I know my mother shielded me from what could have potentially become emotional abuse from my father, but she could never mask the neglect that he had set upon me. Perhaps he's the reason that I am who I am today. Quiet, timid, withdrawn, the list goes on and on.

"Dude?"

"Huh?" Yet again, I'm broken out of my dazed state by my worried best friend. Or perhaps my hungry best friend as it seems when he pushes past me to get at the stove.

"Fooooood!" Kira says, pointing to the pot on the stovetop. "Ugh, just sit down. I will serve you," Kira jokes. I comply, and barely pull a chair out from the table before planting myself in it.

"I'm not really hungry," I say, realizing my appetite is virtually nonexistent.

"Well that's nice, because you're eating," Kira says, plopping an overflowing plate of rice and beef stew down in front of me. He reaches for the utensil drawer and sticks a fork in the middle of the plate so it stands erect from the mound of food. "Look at this," Kira says pinching the back of my upper arm.

"Ow," I whine.

"It's been a week since I last saw you, and you're skinny as fuck dude. You're losing what little muscle you had," he pinches my arm again. "How are you going to attract the ladies with that?"

"Ow! Quit it! I applied to military Kira, there will be no ladies." I complain, rubbing the pressure point that he so ruthlessly disrupted.

"Don't be so sure my friend, don't be so sure."

"What?" I ask. But it's too late; he's already shoving unbelievably large mouthfuls of food into his mouth faster than he can chew. I stare at him disgustedly, "wow, hungry?"

"Mphghm," Kira mumbles, which I would assume to mean yes.

"It's like watching a starved animal eat," I comment, slowly picking up a small forkful of rice.

Kira looks up at me and stops chewing for a second. He looks as though he's thinking. "Whatever," he finally mumbles; his mouth still full of food. Normally he would put a greater effort forth in order to defend himself, but evidently he has more important things on his mind at the moment.

Finally finishing his last piece of beef, Kira dramatically drops his fork and knife to the plate and leans back in his chair with a deep sigh.

"Feel better?" I ask, having barely touched my own food.

"Yep," Kira says, his eyes closed and a smile on his face. He then opens his eyes and assumes a serious expression. "So you haven't told your father about enlisting yet hey?"

With this my appetite disappears completely. I place my fork lightly on the side of my plate. "No."

"Do you think it will please him?"

"I don't know. I have no clue how he'll react. I haven't even thought about how I'm going to tell him," I say honestly. I had indeed considered what my father might think, but I never came up with a satisfactory answer. In all honesty, I would assume that it's what he was eventually expecting of me, but I'm not sure if it was something he expected me to do myself. He's had me enrolled in every school, class, and training session that would ultimately lead to the military. The school Kira and I both attend is a preparatory school for kids who may eventually enlist. I've known how to shoot a gun since I was ten, and I've been taking various martial arts classes since I could walk. If my decision doesn't please him, I don't know what will.

"Well, I think it's safe to say he won't be too disappointed," Kira says, standing up to put his plate in the dishwasher. "Are you done?" he asks, looking down at my hardly touched meal. I nod and wait for some kind of objection, but surprisingly enough he takes my plate without another word.

Once the kitchen is spotless, we wander back up to my bedroom. Strangely enough, it's the only room in our vacant house that I spend much time in. I would occasionally watch television or a movie with my mother in the main living room when I was younger, but now most of our family rooms and dining rooms are scarcely used. As much as I don't see the point in having such a large house when none of us are ever around to use it, I grew up in this house and I would be crushed if my father got rid of it.

"Mind if I take a shower? Seven hours on a shuttle can make you feel pretty disgusting, I probably smell terrible." Kira says, already heading for the bathroom.

"Yes you do, and go ahead," I say, attempting a hint of humor. But Kira has already closed the door behind him and turned on the water. I decide to take the opportunity to do something that's been haunting me since I made the decision to go down to the military office.

"Kira," I call through the bathroom door, "I'll be right back." But the shower is already on and I snicker to myself as I hear Kira singing.

I leave my bedroom, quietly closing the door behind me, and head down the hallway. I jump down the half set of stairs, glance out the giant window looking out onto the ocean, and continue to down the green carpeted hallway toward my father's office. I approach the wooden door slowly, pressing my ear against the door to ensure that he's not on the phone. I hear only the sound of the keyboard clicking, and I take a deep breath before knocking timidly on the door. I can feel my heart pounding.

"What," my father grunts.

I turn the handle and slowly open the door; I can feel the blood drain from my face as I do my best not to display the nervousness I feel. Thankfully, my father doesn't see how tense I probably appear since he's staring attentively at his laptop.

"Hi, father. How are you? How were things at the office today?" I ask, disgusted with my pathetic attempt to create conversation.

"Chaotic," he answers simply. I should have suspected as much. "I don't have time for mindless chit chat right now, if you don't have a purpose to your visit then I will have to ask you to come back later," he says, still not looking up from his computer. He speaks to me as though I am some petty officer rather than his son. Although it's no surprise, it's still not pleasant. Even if I did return later, he would find another excuse to shoo me away. "Oh, and have you booked a shuttle yet?" He asks in a more pleasant tone. Again, it's too typical of him.

"Actually, I won't be going back to school," I say, finally catching his attention. He looks up at me, and his puzzled expression quickly turns to one of rage. I hurry to continue my explanation before he voices his anger. "That's why I came, I enlisted with ZAFT today. I should be receiving a call sometime before the weekend." I hold my breath as I wait for a response; my heart pounds through my chest.

I watch him as though he was a suspenseful television show. I'm not sure I've ever seen him so uncontrolled. He looks shocked. Evidently, he had in no way been expecting something like this. It's only natural, since I never speak up to him. He knows as well as I do that once a person is sixteen, they are legally allowed to enlist without the consent of a parent. A rather unusual expression crosses his face; for a second I think that he might actually smile. However, as quickly as the near positive expression appears, it is forcibly removed. He glances back down to his computer, doing his best to hide his astonishment.

"Don't make a spectacle of the name Zala," he says. He waves his hand to signal my dismissal.

I stare at him for a moment longer. I want to say more, but a voice in the back of my head tells me to leave it. I turn to leave the room, and gently close the door behind me, being careful not to disturb my father's fragile mental state. I wander back along the long hallway, only this time I stop to stare out the window. The scene replays itself in my head. I suppose I should have known better than to expect direct compliance from my father; even if he had been ecstatic beyond belief, he wouldn't have showed it. He always does whatever he can to conceal his feelings and appear unaffected. I only know that because I too have made that kind of effort; unfortunately I'm not quite as well practiced as he is.

I should consider myself lucky; he didn't shut me down completely and he didn't seem at all appalled by the news. In fact, he seemed rather pleased; at least more pleased that I've ever seen him. Then again, that isn't saying much.

All in all, I'm pleased with the response I got from him. I smile to myself and hurry back to my room. I pull open the door and find Kira sitting cross legged, his laptop in his lap, and wearing my pajama pants. His hair is wet and sticking out in all directions, however he looks refreshed and he grins at me as I enter the room. "Sorry, knew I forgot something," he laughs, referring to my pajama bottoms. I laugh a little. "So it went well then?" He asks, obviously tipped off by my positive expression.

"Surprisingly, yeah. All he said was don't make a spectacle of our name. But I don't think I've ever seen him look as shocked as when I first told him. In the beginning he almost looked like he was going to smile."

"Well that's good right?" Kira asks light heartedly. I can feel eyes growing heavy, and Kira obviously sees it too. "I think the military could be an interesting experience actually, you'd learn so much more than you would at a normal high school."

"Yeah, I guess so. It'd be more practical anyway." I sit down at my desk and try to busy myself to take my mind off the emotional strain it seems to be undergoing. I flick on the power switch on my laptop and pull out a small, green robotic bird. It's a project I've been working on for a while now, but I only get to really work on it when I come home. I've been programming the memory chip while at school, but now I think I'm almost done. I don't know what it is about robotic pets that I enjoy, I actually find them rather annoying once they're done. I just enjoy building them. I've built a number of them for our childhood friend Lacus, whose father works closely with mine. The three of us grew up together.

"What's that?" Kira asks as an intrigued expression crosses his face.

"Just a project I've been working on," I say, pulling the memory chip from the computer port. I carefully place it in the opening in the bird's neck and close the hatch with the screw driver. "Did you ever see the ones I made for Lacus? She calls them haros."

Kira looks deep in thought as he stares on the ceiling. "Actually, come to think of it, yeah I do remember them. She has a whole bunch right? You made those?" He looks bewildered.

"Yeah," I say, flicking the on switch on the bird. Kira and I both watch closely as I place it on the desk.

"Birdie!" It chirps, and begins flapping its wings. Now the bigger question, can it actually fly. I've made several that walk or bounce, but I've never succeeded in creating one that flies. To my astonishment, it quickly flaps its wings and lifts off the desk before soaring around the room.

"Awesome!" Kira exclaims. "How do you know how to make those?"

"Too much free time. One of the teachers at school showed me something once and I just kind of picked it up. I watch as the bird flies around the room before returning to the desk in front of me. I take the screw driver again and make a few final adjustments to its left wing. It seems to be flying a little crookedly. Again she takes off and lands on Kira's head.

"Wow!" Kira says. "So cool!"

"She's yours if you like her," I say, watching with a smile on my face.

"Wha? Really?" he says, raising his hand to grab the bird. Instead it jumps onto his finger and he pulls it down to eye level. "Are you sure?" Kira asks.

"Yeah. I just like building them," I answer truthfully. After staring closely at it for a few seconds, he pulls it closer to his body and smiles at it before it flies away again.

"Thanks, Athrun."

******************************************************

I awaken to the familiar creek of my bedroom door being open, followed by a soft thud of it being closed. I slowly open my eyes to find the bright midmorning sun pouring through the windows. I slowly sit up and rub my eyes, blinking rapidly as my vision clears. I finally open my eyes to find Kira, fully dressed, and reentering the room.

"What time is it?" I ask groggily.

"Just after eleven I think," Kira replies, placing a large stack of papers down on his bag.

"Where did you go?"

"ZAFT military office," Kira grins, "I figured you couldn't try to stop me if you weren't awake."

I lean back, slightly dazed as I realize what he's done. He's right, I probably would have tried to stop him if I had known he was going. It just doesn't seem right, Kira in the military. He's not the fighting type, he so youthful and happy. He's intelligent and personable enough to have any career he wants, yet here he is throwing away his future for something like tis. As much as I don't want to believe it, I know that he did it for me. I feel guilty for dragging him into this. He's always watched out for me, ever since we were little. My parents have always been busy people, and I guess Kira always saw it as his duty to keep an eye on me. I know I should consider myself lucky to have a friend like him, but it's something I've always taken for granted. He's just always been there.

There are so many prospective opportunities for disaster involved with the military; I'm glad he'll be there with me.


	2. Chapter 2: Home Sweet Home

"Welcome to the Zodiac Alliance of Freedom Treaty training facility. My name is Akio Yakashiwa and I am the head of this academy. I'd like to begin by congratulating you all on being accepted this far. I would also like to emphasize how seriously we take our training here. If you are unsure about being here, I would recommend putting some further thought forth before you get too far in. This program is not for those who are weak at heart. It will require a strong will and a great amount of courage. Remember, you are soldiers, and every time you step foot on the battle field you risk injury or even death. That being said, by accepting this career, you will be rewarded with the satisfaction and pride of protecting your people and your nation."

Kira and I sit in a large lecture hall among many other young people, each looking more nervous than the next. We received our acceptance phone calls only a few days ago, and presto, here we are. I suppose they expect that you have no life outside of the academy once you've enlisted. I glance around the room at the rest of the people present. These kids aren't soldiers; they're nothing more than adolescents trying to find their place in society. Why does ZAFT recruit at such a young age?

"While you are here, you will be trained and tested in a number of different subjects. These will include academics, martial arts, survival courses, and firearms. You will also be subjected to a variety of different simulations. Mobile suit training will be offered to students who apply and are accepted to the field. Additionally, each soldier will be expected to complete a certain number of hours in our fitness centers each week. Soldiers' activities will be monitored by means of an ID card. All equipment, machinery and entry to each facility will be operated by your student ID card. You will be divided into groups of twenty in which your training will be carried out. You will be living on residence with your group in dorms of four people." The man's serious expression turns to a grin, "I don't think I need to tell you that there will be no females in the males' dorms and no males in the females' dorms."

I glance around the room again; Kira had been right, there are indeed several girls present.

"As you know, ZAFT is preparing to enter battle with the Earth Forces in the near future. We are currently seeking out the fifth and final mobile suit pilot for our newest team, the Van Aderkas team. He or she is likely to be chosen from this group. We are looking for someone who possesses leadership qualities, and a keen eye for battle. As you well know, after you have completed your first phase of training you will be promoted to ZAFT Greens, and those at the top of the class will be eligible for ZAFT Red status. It is likely that one of the Reds will be chosen for the Van Aderkas team. So work to the best of your abilities and give one hundred and ten percent at all times. There is no telling what the future has in store for each one of you."

"I would also like to point out that many of the activities that take place at this facility can result in injury or death if not carried out in a responsible order. Therefore, no nonsense or unnecessary recklessness will be tolerated. All matters pertaining to this will be taken very seriously, and may result in expulsion or even arrest. That will be all for now. You are to report to your dorms now; your personal belongings will have already been brought to your respective dorms. You will find the lists around this room. Each name will have a three digit sequence, the first being your group number, the second being your dorm hallway, and the third is your dorm number. Inside your dorm, you will find a notice with information regarding our training group and where you are to meet. You will be given more specific information by your group commander. Thank you for your time, and good luck."

As the man finishes his speech, the room is once again illuminated and the large crowd of people around us begins chatting and standing to leave the room. Kira and I remain comfortably seated until the room clears out a bit.

"Well that was inspiring," Kira says sarcastically, finally standing from his cushioned seat.

"Uh huh," I nod in false agreement. Between my father, the courses I've taken and our previous school, Kira and I have heard our fair share of speeches like this one. The same things are always said; take it seriously, don't fuck around, and put one hundred and ten percent of your effort forth at all times. _Yadda yadda yadda._

We wander down the line of papers until we reach the last page which contains both our last names. We're shocked and pleased to find that we'll be living in the same dorm.

"How did that happen? Over three hundred kids and we end up together?" I ask.

"I may have sweet talked the secretary at the application office," Kira laughs.

"Right, whatever you say."

A swarm of students pushes past us, flushing us out of the room and into the hallway. We follow the crowd while doing our best to navigate our way through the building without getting lost. I have a horrible sense of direction. Finally we manage to break away from the crowd and end up in the C wing. It's a long hallway with several doors, the first being a cozy looking common room and across the hall, a public washroom. We continue down the hallway past the first two doors labeled numbers one and two, and we stop at the door with a large silver '4' on it.

"I guess this is it," Kira comments.

"Our names are on the list," I say, looking at the list of four names on the door.

Kira slowly pushes the door open and we realize we're the first two to arrive. Closing the door behind me, I stand in front of it and stare at the sight in front of me. The room contains four high bunks, one in each corner of the room, and each containing a desk and dresser below it. I walk forward between the first two bunks to find a bathroom to my left, and to my right a mini fridge with a bulletin board above it. Each bunk has a tall stand up lamp within reach of the pillow, and a curtain that can be drawn for privacy. The last thing I notice is the set of two lockers against the far wall between the two beds. I almost trip over the pile of bags in the middle of the room as I head for the bunk in the far left corner. There are two more lockers on either side of the main door for the other two bunks.

"Shotty!" Kira says, quickly climbing to the top of the bunk in the right corner.

"It's all yours dude," I laugh as I climb to the top of my own bunk. The bed isn't as uncomfortable as I would have expected. It's basic; only a comforter and a pillow, but the mattress is thick and soft. I crash my head into the pillows just as I hear the door squeak open again. I lift my head to see a boy with a small figure and light brown, slightly curly hair enter the room.

"Welcome!" Kira exclaims excitedly, jumping down from his bunk with a slight thud. "Ow"

The boy laughs and walks toward him, "Hi, I'm Nicol," he says politely, holding out his hand to shake Kira's.

"Kira, Kira Yamato," he replies, roughly shaking Nicol's hand. "And my lazy friend up there is Athrun Zala."

I pop up my head and manage a timid "hey," consciously bracing myself for the usual response.

"Hi, Athrun," Nicol says pleasantly. "Jeesh this place was hard to find."

Feeling more comfortable with his innocent response, I climb down off my bed.

"I know, we just kind of followed the crowd and ended up here," Kira laughs. "I guess we should sort through this pile before Athrun trips over it again and breaks his neck," Kira says, standing over the pile with his fists on his hips.

"I _almost_ tripped," I correct him.

"Whatever, you're a klutz," Kira laughs, tossing one of my bags at me. I roll my eyes and put the bag on my desk. Nicol chooses the bed on the other side of the bathroom, across from mine. As we pull our bags to our corners of the room, it becomes apparent that the last bag belongs to our final roommate.

"So, did we over pack?" Kira asks, staring at the lonely bag in the middle of the room. Each of us pulled at least two bags from the center of the room.

"Yes," Nicol says, staring at his dresser, then back down at his three bags on the floor in front of him. "This should be interesting."

"So where are you from, Nicol?" Kira asks casually. He's always been overly social and so easy to start a conversation with.

"Oh, I'm originally from Januarius, but I moved here from Maius City. How about you?"

"Athrun and I are both from December City, but we just recently returned from a school on the moon after the Junius Seven incident," Kira replies. I silently curse him for mentioning Junius Seven.

Thankfully, the fourth member of our dorm stumble through the door before the topic of Junius Seven can be pursued further. The boy is smaller than the rest of us, even Nicol who is barely 5'4. He has short shaggy dark hair and dark blue eyes. His face is red and he is breathing heavily, looking as though he ran here.

Kira introduces himself, obviously seeing the fear in his eyes, "Hi, I'm Kira," he says smiling and outstretching his hand.

"Oh, hi, my name is Hylas. Sorry, I got lost trying to find the dorm. This place is really big," he says nervously.

"Don't worry about it, I got lost too," Nicol says in a comforting tone. "I'm Nicol. It's nice to meet you."

"I'm Athrun," I say awkwardly. I have a hard time introducing myself to new people, but seeing this boy, I can tell he has it just as hard as I do. Hylas shakes my hand and I can't help but notice that he's trembling. Poor guy.

I'm happy with the way our dorm has turned out. I'm still surprised about Kira being in my dorm, but Nicol and Hylas seem cool too.

I begin reluctantly unpacking my things; it just doesn't feel like home. As I reach down to pull my last hoodie out of my bag, I catch the familiar eye of a boy standing in the hall glancing into our dorm. The set of red eyes glances back at me in a bitter stare. The boy from the military office.

"Damn it! No girls here either, Yzak!" A tall blonde boy forces his way into our room, interrupting my thoughts and my view of the red eyed boy. He has short golden blonde hair and tanned skin; a smirk crosses his lips as he stares at each of us.

"Well, you almost got one here," the boy named Yzak says, gesturing toward me. "Nice pants," the boy laughs, noticing my less than baggy jeans. He has sleek; almost shoulder length platinum blonde hair and pale skin. He's about my height and build, and he has a rather nasty essence to his face.

"What? Guys, you have to close the door or the animals will get in" Kira says to us in his usually bubbly tone, completely ignoring Yzak. Kira finally looks at Yzak with a large, closed-mouth smile on his face. "Nice hair," Kira says to him, shutting the door in his face and not giving him a chance to respond. "What a jerk," Kira says to us.

"Whatever," I say, "I think they're just across the hall, so we're just gonna have to deal with them." I think the two blonde boys share a room with the red eyed boy.

"Keep the doors closed," Kira jokes.

My mind is still locked on the red eyed, black haired boy. Yzak's comment doesn't bother me; it happens every now and then.

"Hey Athrun, grab that sheet of paper," Kira says, pointing to a sheet of paper at my feet. I pick it up and read over it before reading it aloud.

"Members of dorm 3C4. Welcome to the Zodiac Alliance of Freedom Treaty training academy. As part of group three, you will be expected to meet your group's commander in your common room at 1600 hours. You will obtain a student ID card at this time. Thank you for your enlistment." I hold out the paper to Kira.

"Anyone know what time it is?" Nicol asks as Kira takes the piece of paper.

"It's 3:45pm, so that's… 1545?" Kira calculates quickly.

"Should we go down there?" Hylas asks.

"Yeah, why not," Kira says. "I thought I saw some comfortable looking furniture down there."

I follow the others out of the room, ensuring that I'm the last one so that I can observe our neighbors. Sure enough, Yzak and his other friend, along with the red eyed boy and another boy with long blonde hair reside in the room across the hall from us. Once I've confirmed it, I hurry along the hallway to catch up with the others. We pass by the first two rooms, now filled with noisy boys just like us. Music comes from the room on the left and the people in the room to the right are speaking loudly to be heard over the loud music. We reach the common room and get a better look. There are a few large couches and recliners; close to enough seating for twenty students. There is a natural gas fireplace as well as a decent sized television, a microwave and a fridge. The room is carpeted and the walls are clad in warm colors. The room has a comfortable feeling to it; not something I would expect to find at a military academy.

Kira, Nicol and Hylas settle into the largest of the couches, and I sit in what could possibly be the most comfortable arm chair I've ever sat in. I quickly decide that this is going to be my spot. I watch the entrance as four girls enter the room. Two of them are definitely related – twins maybe? One is slightly taller with short red hair; the other has longer hair of the same shade, tied up in pigtails. The third girl is the tallest of the four; she has light brown shoulder length hair and a curvy figure. The last is thin, medium height with long black hair that looks far too black for her light complexion. Something about her is strangely familiar. I glance over at Kira who seems to be noticing the same thing of the black haired girl.

Just as Kira opens his mouth to speak, he glances over toward the door and immediately silences himself. I look over to see a tall blonde haired man in a while uniform enter the room. Everyone falls silent. I impulsively stand and salute him. The others in the room glance at me and follow suit. I quickly realize that I shouldn't have done that, or rather I shouldn't know how to do that. I only know to do it because I've often been required to do so when speaking to my father in public. The blonde man return salutes to me, and then to the rest of the room.

"You must be Athrun Zala; I was quite intrigued when I saw your name on my list," the man says to me as the rest of the students in the room sit down. "I was supposed to teach you guys to salute, but apparently Athrun here beat me to it!"

I can feel my face glowing red. I hate more than anything to made the center of attention. I can feel the blonde man studying my face, and he quickly notices my distressed expression and continues with his introduction.

"My name is Commander Mu la Flaga. I will be the leader and coordinator of this group for the remainder of your training," the man says in a friendly tone. He seems like a very kind man, not at all what I would have expected of a military officer. "So first, I'm going to lay down a few ground rules and policies, and then we'll go over a few details of this academy. Following that, we will take a short tour of the building, and then you each get to participate in a short fitness test," he says, grinning and awaiting the miserable groan in response. Mu silently counts the students, "it seems that were still missing a few, I guess we can wait a few more minutes – why hello, gentlemen," he says as Yzak and his roommates walk in the door and sit on the floor. Yzak shoots Kira a nasty look as soon as the commander looks away, leaving Kira to snicker at him.

"So to start, it would be useful to know that you will attend classes Monday to Thursday, 830-4pm, and Friday from 9-2pm. On Saturdays you will not attend classes, but you will use the time to do homework and complete fitness hours and what not. On Sundays you will be permitted to leave the academy via the shuttle bus into the nearest city. You will also be allowed to leave for holidays. From Sunday to Thursday you will have a curfew of 11pm. At that time, all the lights in the halls will be turned off, and you will be required to remain in your dorms. Meals will be served in the cafeteria at 6-9am, 11-2pm, and 4-8pm, other than that, you will find snack bars around the facility at which you will be required to pay. You are welcome to have food in your dorms; however, there is a zero tolerance policy against drugs and alcohol. There will be random room checks to watch for this. Also, it would be best if you kept the rotting food to a minimum, booooyssss," Mu says, looking around the room at all the males present. The girls giggle. "Sorry, it's just usually the guys who tend to have things growing in their dorms. The cleaner the better! On top of that, there is also to be no missing classes without an approved excuse. Don't forget, you can't hide out at home like you did in high school, we know where you live. If you are ill, you are to report to the infirmary and they will verify that you are actually sick. If you are injured, no matter how minor, you will also report to the infirmary and they will decide whether or not you are fit to continue your training. Tomorrow will be your first day of class; our schedule is posted on the bulletin board, as well as in each one of your rooms. That bulletin board will serve as our main communication line for important events or meetings. So if there aren't any questions, I'm going to ask that you go change into something suitable for the fitness test. We will meet back here in 10 minutes."

I stand up and stretch my arms over my head. I'm already tired; this isn't going to be fun. Once everyone else crowds through the exit, I follow my roommates out of the room and into the hall. I catch the red eyed boys stare once again, and then he disappears into his dorm. As Nicol and Hylas file into the dorm, Kira grabs my shirt and pulls me into a nearby corridor nearly giving me whip lash.

"Hey what the he – " I begin

"Shh. Did you see her?!" Kira whispers loudly.

"What? Who?" I ask, already knowing that he's referring to the girl with the black hair in the common room.

"Lacus. But she's under cover or something. Her name isn't on her door either; I checked."

"Are you sure though? I mean, couldn't it be a relative or someone who just looks a lot like her?" I ask, knowing what I'm saying is complete nonsense. I just can't believe she'd be in a place like this. I mean, she is after all an emerging pop star in the PLANTs as well as committee member Siegel Clyne's daughter. I guess that would be why she's disguising herself.

"Yes, I'm positive. Look, don't say her name though, I don't want to blow her cover," Kira says. "We can talk to her later."

"Good call. Come on, let's go," I say, leading Kira back to the dorm.

I quickly put on a pair of shorts and a light t-shirt and follow the others back to the common room. The group of girls is sitting on the couch again. I look closely at Lacus, but she immediately breaks the eye contact. There's no mistake; it's definitely her.

"Mr. Zala!" I cringe at the name I've been called. I look up to see Commander La Flaga standing over me. I quickly stand and salute. He causally returns salute and grins at me. "May I have a word?"

"Uh, sure," I reply, following him out of the room. Again, my eyes briefly meet those of the red eyed boy, and then Yzak's who smirks back at me. He's obviously getting the wrong idea already. The commander leads me into the same corridor that Kira had pulled me into.

"About earlier," he begins in a sincere tone, "I'm sorry for putting you on the spot like that. It must be a lot of pressure being the chairman's son; very high standards to live up to I would assume."

"I guess," I mumble in response. In all honesty, I don't really care about living up to my father's standards; I just dislike the attention I get _because_ I'm his son. It's like people expect me to get special treatment since my father is so high up the chain. I don't want to be favored for that reason.

I can feel the commander's eyes on me; I can't imagine that I'd be that difficult to read right now. "Just for the record, you will not be treated any differently by me because of your father. If anything, I would expect to see more from you."

I look up at him, an uncontrolled expression of shock on my face. That was exactly what I had hoped to hear from him. I grin at him, "Thanks commander," I say before saluting again.

"Better go back ahead of me. You know…" the commander says. I nod and wander back to the common room, cautious of the expression on my face. I catch Yzak whisper something to his blonde friend, but I do my best to ignore him.

"What was that about?" Kira asks.

"Nothing important; I'll tell you later."

The commander returns just as the last few students reenter the room. "Alright, if everyone's ready then let's go. I'll give you the grand tour of the academy."

The commander leads us out of the dorm hallway, into the cafeteria and the main lounge, then by the library and the classroom wing. He then shows us the two fitness centers and the simulations room. We follow him downstairs, past the auditorium, the main office, the swimming pool and the infirmary. He leads us past the entrance to the hangar, the control room and the firing range. He completes his tour by leading us past gymnasium #2 and into gymnasium #1. There are students running what looks like a beep test in the second gym.

"If I could get you all to line up on the black line please…" the commander's words trail off as he directs us to the line at the end of the gymnasium. "Excellent. So I will call your name and I would like you to step forward, salute and state your name. At that time, I will give you your ID card.

The commander raises his right hand to his head and steps forward formally, "Mu La Flaga, reporting," he steps back. "Understand? Ok good! Nicol Amalfi"

Nicol steps forward and nervously raises his right hand to his forehead. He states his name and the commander hands him his card.

The rest of us continue the trend: "Setsuke Arnae" "Shinn Asuka" "Monica Blaise" "Hylas Deila" "Dearka Elsman" "Miriallia Howe" "Lunamaria Hawke" "Meyrin Hawke" "Yzak Joule" "Thomas Kelling" "Kei Omohe" "Xavier Plege" "Aiden Pliskin" "Zachariah Rider" "Artemis Sullivan" "Lau Xiang" "Kira Yamato" "Rey Za Burrel"

I quickly step forward at the call of my name. Raising my hand to my forehead I speak on the most formal tone I can force. "Athrun Zala." The commander nods at me and hands me my ID card. I stare down at the hideous picture of myself that was taken when we first arrived.

I learn that the red eyed boy's name is Shinn, Yzak's cocky blonde friend is named Dearka, and Lacus's alias is Monica.

"Alright, if that's everyone, I'd like to begin the fitness test. First we will do a beep test, has anyone not done a beep test?" The commander asks, his eyes passing over each of us. "No one? Good. The best you can get is a 15. The rest of the test will consist of everyone's favorites: pushups, sit ups, a strength test and a flexibility test. I'll have you run a few laps to warm up and then stretch."

I follow the rest of the group as they run small laps around the large gymnasium. It feels good to be exercising again; I haven't done anything since I left school. I can feel myself breathing heavily already; I can't be that out of shape already.

As the beep tests commences, it becomes evident that I still possess relatively good stamina. Although I myself have undergone intense physical training almost all my life, it becomes clear that not everyone in our group has. Zachariah is the first to drop out at the level of 4.5, followed by Thomas, Hylas and Dearka at 5. Aiden, Setsuke, Artemis, Kei, Lau, Meyrin and Miriallia quit before 10. Yzak, Rey, Xavier are out before 12. Lunamaria and Nicol drop out at 13 and 14. Kira, Shinn, Monica and I are the only ones to finish.

I watch as the girls congratulate Lacus – or Monica rather. I'm afraid I'm just going to blurt out and say her real name one of these times. I need to train my mind to think of her as Monica. I remain on the black line attempting to catch my breath as Kira smacks me in the back.

"Come on man, I thought you were in better shape than that," Kira laughs. The test was obviously nothing for him. I choose not to remind him of his statements only a few days ago about how skinny I had gotten. It's true; I haven't been taking care of myself. Well I think it's safe to say that's about to change. There's no way I'm going to survive training if I'm not in decent physical condition.

"Nice work guys take a breather; get a drink and pair up for the next part. You can complete the rest of the test at your own pace. This test will determine how many hours per week you will be required to spend at the fitness center. You are all to maintain a high fitness level while you are training here. Good luck"

"Well that's a no brainer," Kira says as he throws a mat down in front of me. I collect two sheets of paper from Mu, containing the tests and standards we are to complete and meet. Kira and I both manage to complete the tests at the top levels; I however struggle a little more than Kira. During our breaks, we watch the others around us. Nicol seems to be at the same level as myself, but Hylas is evidently struggling. The girls all seem to be in fairly decent shape, but the one that really surprises us is Dearka. He's having massive amounts of trouble considering how cocky he seemed earlier. I guess he's just all talk. I turn my head to see Kira trying to contain his laughter.

As the tests are completed, commander La Flaga speaks up once more, "You are welcome to head off to the showers; the guy's change rooms are to the left, the girls' to the right. You should then proceed to the cafeteria. We'll meet back in the common room at 20:00 hours. Just a reminder that your ID card will be scanned upon entry to any room in the facility regardless of whether or not you need it to get in, this allows our staff to monitor your activities. I will have the results of the fitness test later tonight."

********************************************

"Damn, I'm exhausted; what a day," Kira says, dropping his papers onto his desk and throwing his jacket on the floor before climbing up to his bed. "I swear they put us in bunks just to make us work more. After I long day the last thing you want to do is climb a ladder to get to your bed," he says, hauling himself to the top of the ladder and dramatically collapsing to his pillow with a loud sigh.

"Well it couldn't possibly be to save space, so that's gotta be the reason," I laugh, unzipping my high collared sweater and hanging it my locker.

"Yeah!" Kira exclaims, his voice muffled by the pillow in which his face is buried. I snicker to myself.

We've just returned from our last meeting of the evening. We ate at the cafeteria for the first time tonight, but I still have no idea if the food is any good since I was too hungry to even taste it. I think tree bark would have even tasted alright in my state. I guess I really do need to start taking better care of myself. It's now 9:45, or 21:45 rather; we're supposed to be learning to use the 24-hour clock. Everyone has turned in early out of sheer physical and mental exhaustion. Nicol, Hylas and I are all taking the opportunity to finish unpacking our things, and Kira is groaning from his bunk about the lights still being on.

"Everyone cool with the time in the center of the ceiling? It doesn't have a 24-hour setting so we'll just have to translate," Nicol says, adjusting the reflection from his alarm clock to sit in the middle of the ceiling.

"That's awesome Nicol," Kira says sarcastically, "Now can you guys shut up so I can get some sleep?" Kira demands. Hylas looks taken aback by Kira's anger, but I laugh; I know he's joking around.

"Quit whining and close your curtain," I say, throwing a t-shirt at him. Kira grumbles and throws his curtain around his bed. "The clock looks great Nicol, don't worry about Kira, he's just tired. That's what happens when he gets overly tired."

"Shut up, Athrun," Kira says from behind his curtain. I just laugh.

"I'm out guys, don't worry about being quiet," he jokingly sneers in Kira's direction, "I can sleep through anything." With that, Hylas climbs onto his bed and pulls the curtain around.

"Night man," I say, pulling the last few objects out of my bag.

"Night," Nicol says to him as well.

I pin up the last item from my bag on the wall; a photo of my mother and me. I was nine at the time, but it's the most recent picture I have of the two of us. I dig three thumbtacks into the wall beside my pillow. I can feel eyes on me, and I turn to see Kira's curtain open enough so that he can see me. I shoot him a forced half grin, and he returns with an expression that says _hang in there_.

Nicol climbs into his own bed with the stack of papers given to him by Commander La Flaga. He nods goodnight and pulls the curtain around his bunk, leaving the light on. I too grab the pile of papers from my desk and pull the curtain around my own bed. I fiddle with the papers in my hand to make it seems as though I'm reading.

I lean back against the wall and let out a sigh, hoping to keep the volume low. It's been an utterly exhausting day; emotionally exhausting to say the least. If two weeks ago, someone told me that my mother would be gone and I would be training to become a soldier I think I would have just laughed. My life has changed so much in the last fortnight. I'm starting to wish I would have put more thought forth before taking such drastic actions. Is this really where I should be right now? Especially in my current state of mind. Not a day has passed since my mother died that I haven't cried. I can't stop thinking that this is somehow my own fault. I manage to silently choke back my tears as I hold my breath, listening to hear if anyone is still awake. I can hear soft breathing coming from both Nicol's and Kira's corners; they're obviously sleeping. I let out a quiet sob, and allow a tear to run down my face. I turn to face the wall, and my fingers gently grace the corner of my mother's photo. I wish so much that I could be at home with her right now. I close my eyes tightly and envision my father's stern face. If there is love in that man's span of emotions, I will most likely never know. What would he think of me if he saw me right now? I'm sitting in bed at the ZAFT training academy balling my eyes out like a baby.

I'm far weaker than I thought. I thought I could do this, but who was I kidding? I don't belong here. I'm not strong enough to be a soldier. I know I could be trained physically to the point where I could fight, but I don't think I possess the mental capacity required for such a position. I've never doubted myself so much in my entire life. That thought, and that alone makes me feel as though I'll never amount to anything. Who could find a use for someone as pathetic as me?

Again I hold my breath to listen to the sounds around me, waiting for something to confirm that everyone is indeed sound asleep. I can hear light snoring from Kira's corner, and I finally release a deep sigh. My light is still on, and I continue to focus on the photo, staring into my mother's vivid emerald eyes. My eyes are identical to hers, and therefore the only thing I have left of her. When I see myself in the mirror, I'll see a part of her.

I choke on a sob, and then it hits me. I might see a part of her when I see myself, but that's all I'll ever have of her. I sniffle loudly and wipe my eyes on my sleeve. I can't handle this; why did I come here? Tomorrow I being my transformation into a soldier, and yet I can barely keep myself composed for more than twenty four hours.

I continue to sob quietly, looking around, searching for an alternative. Before long, I pull the thumb tack out of the bottom of my mother's photo. I'm graced with the horribly familiar sight as I slide my wrist band over my hand and place it on the pillow beside me. I feel another tear leave my right eye, and without hesitation I press the thumbtack firmly into my scarred wrist and drag it across my flesh. I wince at the initial pain, but as I dig deeper, a new sense of relief overcomes me. I can feel my body shaking as I replace the tack in the wall. Staring down at my wrist, I try to count the numerous scabs and scars, only to have my vision clouded by tears once again. My breathing neutralizes, and I pull the wrist band back over my hand and lay my head down to the pillow. I feel the pain flow through my arm, washing out the malicious thoughts threatening to overcome my mind and leaving it cool and numb.

I can do this. My father will see. They'll all see.


	3. Chapter 3: Straight A's

We awaken early the next morning to the beeping sound of Nicol's alarm clock. Nicol is out of bed within seconds and in the washroom. I feel myself drifting in and out of consciousness, but am jerked out of my sleepy state by Nicol ruffling the curtain around my bed. Nicol does the same to Kira's and Hylas's curtains to wake them as I slowly drag myself into a sitting position to see that Kira is doing the same. Hylas however is still very much asleep.

The room is still dark and quiet. Seeing that no one else is volunteering to take a shower next, I hop down off my bed and head for the bathroom. I try to be quick in the shower, as I know Hylas and Kira still both need to take a turn before we head for the common room.

Today is our first day of classes and I'm nervous to the point where I'm not sure I can keep my breakfast down. First block is our survival class; we're supposed to eat and then meet Commander La Flaga in the common room.

I allow the hot water to pour over my head and body hoping for it to calm my nerves. I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling like this; but I can't help noticing the wretched feeling in my stomach. I'm not entirely sure if I'm hungry or just really nervous; in which case eating would probably be a bad idea. Feeding my nervous stomach has always been a bad thing; it always makes me feel like throwing up. Either way though, I know I need to eat or I'm not going to make it through the day.

I climb out of the shower and towel dry myself before putting on my clothes and reentering the dorm. Kira is sitting at his desk letting out a sigh to make his impatience known. Nicol is persistently throwing things at Hylas in attempt to wake him up. Kira giggles as he finally sits up in his bed only to have another pillow hit him in the face. Nicol too snickers.

Once Kira finishes in the bathroom, he and I wander down to the cafeteria for breakfast. As we approach the next to empty mess hall, I quickly notice one of the few occupants is none other than Lacus Clyne sitting alone at a table, almost as though she was waiting for us.

"There she is, let's go talk to her," I whisper to Kira.

"Food," Kira replies simply.

"Honestly, there are more important matters at hand right now," I insist.

"Foooooood," Kira demands.

"Fine, we'll get food first. But if her friends show up before we get a chance to talk to her it's your fault."

"FOOD!"

"Yeah yeah," I laugh. We each pick up a tray of food before joining Lacus at her table. I was right earlier, I'm not actually hungry; it's purely my nerves. I stare at the unappetizing sight of the hash browns, eggs and bacon in front of me. I guess I might as well try to force it down; I'm going to need the energy for the rest of the day.

Lacus looks slightly nervous as we approach her.

"Lacus, what are you doing here?" Kira demands, sitting down beside her. I take the seat across the table.

"Shhh," Lacus silences him, "I'll explain, just don't call me that. It's Monica."

"Whatever! What's going on? This is the last place you should be. Don't you have a concert or something coming up?" Kira asks before dramatically shoving his mouth full of hash browns.

"Kira, calm down," I insist, adjusting the wristband on my arm under the table. I can feel the cuts prickle a little, strangely calming my nerves. Kira shoots me a dirty look. I press down a little harder, allowing the dull pain to soothingly overcome my forearm. I exhale a silent sigh as my mind relaxes.

"I couldn't just stay at home while all this was happening. My father informed me that both of you were volunteering, and I felt that I should do the same. There was no way for me to really contribute back at home."

"What are you talking about La- Monica, you have an extremely powerful political voice, and that's not going to have any effect if you're here. You can't give that up!"Kira says as he shoves an unusually large amount of toast and eggs into his mouth.

"But I haven't," she says, looking slightly appalled at Kira's display of… mannerism. "There is this girl you see, who looks and sounds just like me. She agreed to take the job of filling in for me while I'm training here. I want to learn to defend what I love and care for, just like you two. I know it's absurd, but words don't always work, and I can no longer just sit back and watch in the safety of my own home. And most of all," her voice grows quiet, "I can't sit back while my two best friends are on the front lines."

I can hardly comprehend what I'm hearing; Lacus a soldier? It's just too weird. Even if she's not directly on the front lines, knowing that she's somehow involved in the war is just crazy. She, Kira and I grew up together. Her father worked with mine and since Kira and I were inseparable as kids, the three of us spent a lot of time together. She's always been very feminine. She never wanted to play the shooting or fighting games with us when we were kids, so it's weird that now she wants to take part in the real thing.

"Look, we can pretend we just met, but if we act like we all know each other it's going to look suspicious. Athrun, people know that your father works with Lacus Clyne's father, and I don't look that much unlike her, even with my hair like this. I don't want anyone to find out," she says quietly. I'm sure she just doesn't want to end up in my position with her dad.

Our conversation is interrupted by a group of students walking past us, many of which are from our dorm hallway.

Yzak sneers in our direction. "Monica, what are you doing with these scum bags? Come sit with us."

She smiles politely back at him, "no thank you Mr. Joule. I'm fine right here."

Yzak snorts rudely and walks away. Kira bursts out laughing

"He's a very strange yet persistent fellow. It's been going on like this since the orientation. I feel bad declining him so often, but he's rather rude," she says, an innocently confused expression crossing her soft features.

"He's not a very big fan of us so that's definitely not going to earn us any brownie points." I mumble.

"Whatever, he's not the instructor. We don't have to be liked by him, as long as were civil." Kira says, shoving several pieces of bacon into his mouth.

"Well he hasn't exactly been civil so far," I say, forcing down a piece of toast. Lacus picks up a hash brown from my plate and gracefully places it on her tongue.

"Thank you," she smiles happily. I grin at her in disbelief before laughing. She's always so sweet and polite. It's hard to believe she intends on fighting in a war. "Take all you want; I'm not that hungry."

Once finished eating, Kira and I dump our trays in the garbage and we head back for the dorm. On the way, we cross Nicol and Hylas on their way to the cafeteria; Hylas still not looking too awake.

"I wonder what took them so long; I thought they'd be joining us," Kira mumbles.

"I'm not sure. Does Hylas seem a little… behind in the game to you? He only scored a three on his fitness test," I comment, glance at the sheet of paper atop Hylas's desk.

"I guess. He's not the only one though, there are other that are behind too. He'll be fine. Did Nicol say how he did?" Kira asks, craning his neck to look at Nicol's desk.

"I think he said he got a nine, but I don't want to snoop," I say, sitting down on the edge of my chair.

"Hell I do!" Kira laughs, digging through the papers on Nicol's desk. "Yep, he got a nine."

"Nice," I laugh. Kira is so nosey. Oh well, I think he told us last night, we were all just too tired to pay attention. Kira and I both received Tens on our fitness tests. It basically means that we have to put a minimum of two hours per week in at the fitness center. Obviously we'll both put in more; Kira had some idea that it was a test of responsibility – to see if we would keep ourselves in shape regardless of whether or not we are required to.

I rest my cheek in the palm of my hand as I feel my eyes slowly closing.

"Why does this require so much reading?" Kira asks, sitting down at his desk and looking over some of his paper work. "We're supposed to be training to be _soldiers_! I'm willing to bet that not a whole lot of previous soldiers could even read. Just teach me to pilot a mobile suit and I'll be good," he whines.

I force a laugh then head into the bathroom. I don't know if that should have been funny or not. Oh well. I wash my face and brush my teeth before leaning into to stare at the bags under my eyes. My face is paler than usual; evidence of exhaustion. I take a deep breath and pull my wrist band over my hand. I stare down at the inflamed cuts before gently rinsing them under the tap. I'm sure the dirty wrist band that rarely leaves my arm isn't great for the wounds. The cold water breaks the light scabbing bringing about an initial piercing pain, but in time the cool water dulls it, leaving a soft ache in my wrist. I let out a deep exhale as a familiar numbing feeling overcomes me. Finally I switch off the water and replace my wristband. I pause for a second as I feel the pain of twisting my wrist to open the door. I know that it's sick and twisted, but I like having the pain at my disposal; at times, my own personal form of self punishment, at other times, relief of a greater pain.

Kira takes his turn in the bathroom, and I return to my chair to wait. Once he is finished, we wander down to the common room and spend some much needed relaxation time on the couches. I can tell already that it's going to be a long, trying day.

"I still can't believe she's here," I mumble quietly from my upside down position on my newly claimed recliner. There is no one else around; it's safe to talk quietly.

"But so are we. Just because you don't like the fighting doesn't mean you have to turn a blind eye to it when it does happen. People that she loves are in danger, and she, like us, knows that if we can contribute in some way, then the only logical thing to do is just that. That's why we're here as well, is it not?" Kira asks.

I turn away and mumble something incoherently. I guess he's right, although I'm still not entirely sure _why_ I'm here. I guess it just felt like the right decision to make at the time. Had I not made it, I'd probably be back at the Lunar prep school deeply mourning my mother's loss. I don't really know why, but for some reason just being here feels like I'm doing something about it. I think another part of it, although I know I deny it to myself, is that I want to prove my worth to my father. I can't think of any other way of going about it. Nothing pleases him, so maybe taking an interest in something related to his life will make him happy.

My thoughts are interrupted as I hear a girl shriek embarrassedly. I glance over at the door to see the younger looking of the assumed sisters poke her head around the corner.

"What are you freaking out about, Meyrin?" Her sister asks.

"Um, nothing," she replies, obviously trying to peel her eyes away from me.

Shinn follows the second sister around the corner and grunts rudely upon seeing me. He looks away and proceeds to the farthest couch from me.

"What was that about?" Kira whispers as I adjust myself into a proper sitting position on the chair.

"I have no idea." I really don't. _Why_ does he hate me so much?

********************************************

"Welcome to Survival 101. I'm officer Omina. This course pairs with your martial arts class to teach you to survive in the world into which you are about to embark. Aboard all ZAFT crafts, whether it is a mobile armor, mobile suit or just a ship or shuttle, there are basic survival kits equipped with items such as first aid kits, matches, food rations etc. These will be introduced to you at a later time. However, if you ever happen to be stranded without a survival kit, you will need to learn what to do in order to keep yourself and whoever you might be with alive. That is the purpose of this course. This course will teach thorough survival techniques through a theoretical as well as a practical portion. We are going to begin by heading out into our training field for today's class. You will be asked to perform the simple task of starting a fire without matches. Many of you have probably done this before, but it will give me a chance to meet and initially evaluate each of you. Commander La Flaga will also be supervising this task. You will be working in pairs, and the first pair to complete the task will receive top marks. However, since this has just been sprung upon you, the mark will be very lightly weighted amongst your other tasks throughout this course. Now let us proceed into the field."

Officer Omina is a short, slightly stocky man with thinning grey hair and a worn face. Nevertheless, he seems to follow the trend of instructors that seem far too friendly to be associated with the military. We follow him and the commander out through the back doors of the building past the hangar and the seemingly never ending mobile suit training field and into a thin forest. No wonder these lectures are so long; it takes a third of an hour to get to the field.

"All you will be given for this task is a standard pocket knife which will soon become a regular part of your uniform. Pair up and please get started as we are a little pressed for time. Commander La Flaga and I will come around to check on each of you."

Without another word, he ushers us off into the woods and Kira and I wander out into the middle of the group. We've performed this task countless times between our boy scouts groups and our school outings. Often we aren't given anything to start the fire. I agree to head further in to attempt to find fire starting materials while Kira remains at our selected spot and digs a hole for the fire pit.

I pass several students digging for twigs or picking moss off the rocks as I glance around for certain lichen on the trees. Kira knows as well as I do that the knife is the real test. It is insufficient and unnecessary for cutting wood; however, it can be used to reflect the sun's rays onto a darkened material in order to create a spark. I can't even count how many times I've watched students impatiently try to reflect the light onto a light colored or white surface like a piece of wood, not knowing that it's the darker colors that absorb the light to create a spark. Even rubbing dirt on a light surface first will help the cause.

I finally spot what I'm in search for, and I approach the tree to pick some of the light green dry moss from its bark. Once I've gathered enough, I turn and almost trip over someone.

"Whoa!" I exclaim, turning to see one of the red haired girls bent over peeling moss off of the ground.

"Oh, Sorry," she says.

"You should try taking the moss off the trees. It's dryer and less dense," I say impulsively. My mind suddenly goes blank and I feel my cheeks redden. She's actually rather attractive, not to mention her well endowed figure.

The girl stands up and moves closer to me. "Athrun, right?" she asks, holding out her hand to shake mine. "I'm Lunamaria," she says, almost violently shaking my hand as I hesitantly place it in hers. "Thanks," she says, picking some of the lichen off the tree.

"Uh, Yeah; no problem." I can feel the heat in my cheeks; why am I so bad with girls? I always manage to embarrass myself somehow.

"So you're –" she is cut off by the sound of Lacus or Monica rather, calling her name.

"Oh, sorry! Gotta go! Thanks again," she say smiling, then runs off. I continue to stare after her.

"Sharing strategies are we? Did I not mention this was a competition? You've done this before, haven't you?" Officer Omina asks, emerging from behind a tree. I guess he was watching me.

I quickly regain a formal stance and salute. "Yes sir."

"What is your name, soldier? And where is your partner?" he asks rather curiously.

"Pardon me sir," I stutter nervously, raising my hand to my head again, "Athrun Zala, sir." My tone of voice returns to a casual tone, "my partner, Kira Yamato, is over there," I point in Kira's direction.

"Athrun Zala… Patrick Zala's son I assume. It's an honor," he says as he salutes. Judging by how he didn't salute until he learned whose son I am, I assume he holds high regards for my father. I turn uneasily and stare at the ground, bluntly displaying my discomfort. I hate when the topic of my father arises.

"Shall we see how your partner is doing?" he asks in a more laid-back tone.

I lead him back to where Kira is crouched over his work in progress. He sees us approach and he stands to salute. "Kira Yamato, pleased to meet you, sir," Kira says formally. It seems so natural for him.

"Wow, you two are quite well trained; childhood friends I assume? The great Patrick Zala's influence?" I can't help but wonder if he's sucking up to me or if he really does think that highly of my father. I take notice that he does not return salute to Kira. It bothers me a bit; is this the so-called special treatment I've been dreading? "You two have obviously done this before. I will leave you to it then; best of luck." We all salute one another, and the officer walks away.

"Geez, even I'm getting a good reputation just for being associated with your father," Kira jokes.

"Yeah, apparently," I mutter in a bitter tone. I don't need to make my disapproval vocal; I know that Kira is quite capable of reading me.

"Start putting stuff together, I'm going for more twigs," I instruct, walking past our already unnecessarily large pile of twigs on the ground.

"But –" Kira begins, but I hurry away before he can finish.

I wander further back into the woods and do my best to make myself look busy. For all I know, Officer Omina is probably lurking behind some tree watching me again. I hate the publicity and attention I get for being my father's son. After all, I along with many others disagree with the majority of my father's morals. Although he doesn't always clearly state it, he's overly prejudiced against the naturals. I know he wouldn't hesitate at the opportunity of going to war with them, and resultantly the prospect of eliminating them entirely. One of his first actions as chairman was to, in his words, 'purify the PLANTs.' He had ordered the immediate deportation of the naturals who resided on many of the multinational PLANTs to either earth or a selection of only a few of the PLANTs. Although many coordinators agreed with this, since it was the naturals in the first place who forced the coordinators to leave earth, I never saw it as necessary. How are we expected to live in peace and harmony with the naturals if they're so publically discriminated against by the leader of our nation? Still, I'm afraid that I might be seen by other students as only rewarded because of my name, or worse, I might actually be rewarded by the instructors in hopes that they might respect from my father. Contrary to popular belief, my father will not involve himself in the progress of my training in any way. In a way I feel that it's a good thing, but at the same time, it hurts. I don't want to gain anything because of my name alone, but I wish my father would at least express some sort of concern.

Remembering that there's still a task at hand, I return to where Kira sits crowded over the fire pit attempting to reflect the sun onto a concentrated dark pile of moss. I walk directly into his line of sunlight and stand over him.

Kira looks up, "do you mind?"

I force a laugh and move out of the way. For the fun of it, I put my hand directly back in the way of the light and giggle at Kira's annoyed groans.

"For a first task, you're not taking this very seriously," Kira says, still smiling but carrying an evident seriousness in his tone.

At this I stop fooling around. I get down on my knees to help Kira shelter the newly made spark from the soft breeze surrounding the forest. I watch as he blows the small brightened spot into a small flame that spreads eagerly across the parched moss. Kira cracks a smile and I quickly begin adding twigs that are soon engulfed by the flames. Kira holds out his hand, and I lightly punch his fist with my own in a mutual congratulation. As the flames grow taller, I glance around to see others frantically looking for twigs and mosses now that they've seen one fire go up.

Kira grins proudly he notices Officer Omina approach. He's obviously seen or smelled the smoke from the fire. "Congratulations! You are the second pair to complete the task. Wow, this group is quite impressive!" He says enthusiastically. "Feel free to join the others who have finished," he points to his right.

"Second?" Kira asks. I immediately glance over to the left to see Shinn and Rey beaming in our direction.

"Just because his dad is the chairman doesn't mean he's better than the rest of us," I hear Shinn murmur to Rey, obviously ensuring that he is loud enough so that I, among many others can hear.

"As I have pointed out before, you need to put one hundred and ten percent of your effort forth," Commander La Flaga says to me. He now stands alone beside us as Officer Omina has run off to tend to another group. "I expected more from you two," he says quietly, obviously disappointed that we weren't the first to finish.

What should have been an easy first task has proved to be far more difficult than I had expected. It wasn't the task itself; it's the rude awakening that the outcome has provided. This isn't going to be a walk in the park like school had been. My being the son of the chairman has evidently raised the expectations the instructors hold of me. I'm definitely beginning to feel the pressure.

"Mr. Zala," I cringe as I hear my last name called; Officer Omina is back. I quickly walk over to him and salute. This time he doesn't return the gesture. "Although I'm disappointed that you were not the first to complete the assignment, I am impressed that you took the time to help another classmate," he says genuinely. "I will assume that this was an act of kindness, not sheer overconfidence," he says, not so genuinely.

"Sir," I say formally, saluting again. Officer Omina walks away, leaving me with my hand raised to my head. I drop my arm and hang my head. He evidently gave me the benefit of the doubt, but I think we both know it _was_out of sheer overconfidence. If I had been focusing, I probably wouldn't have stopped to help Lunamaria. I can't help but feel embarrassed and ashamed.

"Athrun," Kira says quietly, evidently noticing the shameful expression on my face, "relax. It's our first class; we'll get 'em next time. You're not going to be able to focus if you don't get your head on straight. Get over it and quit acting like such a girl!" Kira elbows me in the rubs.

"Right," I say, hoping to convince him that I'm not bothered by it. I know Kira is right, but I can't help but notice the pride displayed on Shinn Asuka's face. I don't know why it bothers me so much.

Once class is dismissed, we move into our first academics class. There isn't a student who doesn't groan and complain as we're informed that the next two hours of our lives will be dedicated to placement testing. Why did I not anticipate this? Following the placement test, we will be divided into different groups based on the results of the tests.

The test ends up consisting of a variety of easy to difficult mathematics problems as well as reading comprehension and language arts. Why we need language arts for the military… I will never know. We also write a portion pertaining to science and the military to see how up to date we are on the current state of the world and how things work around the military. I can't however, see many people knowing much about mobile suits and ships and how they work.

"Just because you are in the military does not mean that you shouldn't obtain a decent education!" Commander La Flaga had told us. "We are just simply removing what we feel is unnecessary from a regular student's curriculum. Things like French," he grumbles, "I hate French." We laugh at his rant and he retorts by telling us to begin our tests. We all moan and groan and begin writing.

***************************************

"I'm so drained already!" Kira complains, laying his head down on the cafeteria table. I honestly couldn't agree more. I'm exhausted.

"Yeah and we still have two more classes," Nicol comments.

We've just finished eating lunch and we're due in the gymnasium for our first martial arts class in thirty minutes. Normally, I would expect something like that to be a breeze but that's what I thought our survival assignment would be. I definitely underestimated that one; I have no intention of doing that with martial arts. I had originally been excited for this part of my training; I can imagine that they'd have some pretty decent instructors since this _is_ the military. I've been taking martial arts classes since I was little; my father's decision of course.

"On top of all our courses, we're supposed to find time for homework _and_ the fitness center?! It's ridiculous if you ask me." Kira says, his forehead pressed against the table.

"I guess it's more of a physical test that we thought. After all, they need to weed out everyone who isn't fit for this… lifestyle?" I question, not really knowing what to call it.

"Geez, first climbing to get to my bed, and now this?! What are these people trying to pull here?!" Kira says loudly.

"Let's go back to the common room and relax for a bit," I suggest, noticing that others are being disrupted by Kira's continuous complaints.

"Good call," Nicol says, standing up and pulling Kira by the collar of his shirt out of his half asleep position on the table.

***************************************************

"Good afternoon, and welcome to your first martial arts class. I am Officer Wie Xiung, and I will be instructing you in the field of martial arts." The small, middle aged Asian man salutes, and each of us standing in front of him return salutes. Unlike the other instructors I've met, he comes off as very serious and slightly intimidating. "You will be instructed in a variety of different forms of fighting. Our first and main goal will be self defense. In martial arts we are taught to never utilize our skills unless necessary. You do not strike another man down unless there is an obvious threat to you or your comrades. The first skill you will be taught is how to break fall. That is, how to position yourself properly when thrown in order to avoid injury. How many of you have done this before?"

Kira and I, along with about five others raise our hands.

"The idea behind a break fall is when that when you fall, you allow your arm to hit the ground first in order to absorb much of the shock as possible. Remember, your head is the most important part of your body, followed by your torso which contains your vital organs. Protect these parts of your body above all others."

"I can think of something else I'd rather protect," Dearka snickers.

Officer Xiung turns to give Dearka a dirty look before continuing. "I'm going to ask for a volunteer pair who have done this before to demonstrate. A show of hands again, please. How about you," he points to me, "and you," just my luck; he points to Shinn. I know he can see the reluctance in both our expression; it sickens me when I see him grin, "ah yes, you two."

Shinn and I reluctantly walk toward him and stand on the mat in front of him. I wish I'd never put my hand up. I could have just pretended I've never done this; then again, he would figure it out eventually.

"I believe that in order to establish an ounce of healthy competition, it is best not to pair close friends together," he says, his eyes set on Kira and then on myself. God I hate being put on the spot like this. "However, I also believe this can simultaneously teach control and discipline when placing opposed students together. Practicing fighting techniques is a dangerous art, and it can easily result in injury if not taken seriously. Martial arts is not only a physical skill, but a mental one as well. The mind must be properly trained and focused in order to excel. Shall we see a demonstration then?" I glance at Shinn who's eyes are filled with rage, then at Officer Xiung. He can see the fire in Shinn's eyes, and therefore asks me to act as the offensive pupil. Shinn is instructed to respond only with a break fall.

I feel a great desire to make a more advanced move on Shinn in order to repay him for the humiliation I suffered at his cost earlier. I stare into his eyes, and then reluctantly perform a simple throw which Shinn easily counters with a break fall. I have been made a spectacle enough for one day. Besides, judging by how Officer Xiung has read and treated me so far, I'm sure he would only take it a step further if I disobeyed his order.

"Thank you. I would like to ask Commander La Flaga to pair each of you as he sees fit. Each pair is then to obtain a mat from the storage closet."

Kira is unwillingly paired with Rey, Yzak with Nicol and Hylas with Dearka. As we all complain about our partners, Officer Xiung only adds to our misery by saying, "these partners will be permanent unless I or your commander specify otherwise." Great, I'm stuck with Shinn for the remainder of my martial arts training. If nothing else, at least it will teach me self control. That or it will teach me how to get myself in serious trouble; not that I need to be taught that. I'm beginning to lose faith in what could have been an enjoyable and beneficial course.

As the lesson begins, I find myself quite amazed at how well the officer is able to read us. He's quite obviously an experienced fighter as well as an experienced instructor. Although I do respect the man, I find myself quite resentful towards him for grouping me with Shinn. I still haven't figured out why this boy hates me so much. I'm slightly worried as I'm unsure if Shinn will be able to hold back if provoked enough.

In attempt to establish some kind of truce, I politely introduce myself. "Athrun Zala," I say, trying not to sound awkward. I hold out my hand to shake his.

"I know who you are," Shinn snaps back. However, apparently seeing that Commander La Flaga is watching, he reluctantly shakes my hand, "Shinn Asuka."

As the lesson progresses, Shinn seems to be doing his best to be civil but I can't help but feel that there's still some unexplained lingering tension radiating from his direction of the mat. As he goes in for an offensive move, I notice that he seems to be growing increasingly more violent. He viciously tackles me to the ground and I'm barely able to slap my arm to the floor before landing with a rough thud.

God, I wonder what this class will hold in the future.

Finally, I'm unable to sit back and endure Shinn's antics. On my next offensive move, I exert and extra and apparently unexpected force into my throw. An unexpecting Shinn is unable to properly break fall and he lands flat on his back releasing a soft groan from his painfully contorted face. I quickly drop to my knees beside him, "Quit being so violent!" I yell, making it evident that I'm not putting up with his crap any longer. "Despite what you may think I'm not your enemy," I say as Shinn coughs in attempt to catch his breath. I get to my feet and stretch out my hand to pull him to his. There's no way for him to pin this one on me; it only occurred because he had not been expecting such force.

My eye catches Officer Xiung as he stops Mu whose obvious intent is to make his way to us as quickly as possible to break up the fight. "Observe; let them resolve it," I hear the intimidating man mutter quietly to Mu. Mu stops in his tracks and watches us intently.

Completely humiliated, Shinn grunts and turns to walk in the other direction.

"What was that?" Commander La Flaga asks having finally broken free of Officer Xiung's restraint.

"I'm not really sure," I mumble staring after Shinn. My hands drop limply to my sides. "I think he just needed some time to cool off," I lie.

Finally, we're dismissed and Commander La Flaga leads us to our firearms class. As I had expected, the first lesson is a bust. Most of us mentally fall asleep while the instructor goes over the parts and functions of a basic handgun. We are also introduced to the ZAFT's main gun. Shinn does not return to the group until about forty minutes into the lesson; apparently he had been ordered to report to the infirmary for precautionary measures following his fall. Upon his return to class, his face glows red with embarrassment. He shoots me the most unfriendly look that I've seen from him so far. I quickly learn that my earlier actions are only going to create more tension between us.

Although I'm satisfied at the idea of repaying him, I really didn't mean to hurt him. At the time, I only wanted to make it clear that I was going to tolerate anymore of his garbage. Even after all this, I still don't have a clue as to why he has such a major problem with me; it has to be something other than angry competition.

"Now I know that some of you have probably had some firearms training, so there is a standard test that you may attempt at any time. Once you have successfully completed said test, you will have unlimited access to the firing range during the hours of operation. You will however, be restricted to our standard handgun for now."

I indeed have had my fair share of training and practice with firearms before coming to ZAFT. My father kept fire arms at his disposal for personal protection. He had required that I learn to use them at a young age for safety reasons since they were around the house. As far as I'm concerned, I am fairly skilled in this field.

When the lesson finally comes to an end, we are dismissed and we eagerly head back to our dorms. It's been a long, demanding first day of training.


	4. Chapter 4: Mission Impossible: Girls

A group of students went to the fitness center following our last block and some others are already asleep. Frankly I have no idea where they got the energy to go work out after the day we've had. Kira, Nicol, Hylas and I take turns in the shower while the other three sit in the common room playing XBOX with Setsuke, Tom and Artemis. Setsuke brought the console from home and the commander didn't seem to have a problem when he saw us hooking it up; perhaps because Setsuke told him that he'd get a chance to play. Either way, it's become a good way to pass the time and relax. If you ask me however, it's kind of a stupid thing to bring to a military academy; I didn't think we'd even be seeing televisions in the next year or so.

Kira, Nicol and Setsuke sit on one couch, Hylas and Artemis on another; Tom sits on the floor closer to the television and I'm once again in my favorite recliner between the door and the couches. I shift my position so that my head rests against the right arm of the chair and my legs hang over the left one. I can feel the chair growing uncomfortably damp from the moisture in my hair.

"Kira, you can use the shower now," I say for the second time.

"Eh, later," he grunts in response. I chuckle to myself and stare back at the television screen. They're playing some kind of first person shooter game that I've never seen before. I'm generally a bit of a video game addict, but tonight I'm too exhausted to even think straight.

Someone walks into the room and it isn't until she stands almost directly in front of me that I realize its Lunamaria. I quickly adjust myself in the chair to resume a normal sitting position. I can feel my face turning slightly red, and I do my best to keep myself from looking as awkward as I feel.

Do I really like this girl?

She walks up to me and perches herself on the arm of my chair. "Hey Athrun!" She says enthusiastically, "what'd you think of the first day?"

"It wasn't bad, but we're all pretty exhausted," I say, trying to keep my eyes on the television rather than making it seem as though I'm overly interested in her. I know if I make eye contact I'll just make a fool of myself.

"Well you wouldn't know it with these guys," she says. I look over at Kira, Nicol and Artemis who are on their feet yelling at the television. I laugh quietly to myself.

"You haven't seen Shinn have you? I've been looking all over for him. I think he might have gone to the fitness center with the others even though the doctors told him not to exert himself for a couple of days…" her voice trails off as her attention is evidently snatched by the game the others are playing.

"What? Why?" I ask, now looking her directly in the eye.

"Apparently he bruised a couple of ribs today during martial arts. He's never been one to listen to doctors' recommendations though." I can tell she's still barely paying attention to what she's saying.

I begin to feel sick to my stomach. My head aches and my mind begins to spin due to the escalating headache that's been trailing me like a storm cloud since first block. I honestly never meant to hurt Shinn.

I stand up to leave the room, confident that Luna doesn't even notice me leaving as her attention is still intently set on the TV in front of her. I walk down the hallway and out of the C wing. As I pass the fitness center windows, I see Yzak and Dearka on a pair of stationary bikes, but there's no sign of Shinn. Continuing down the stairs, I decide to head to the drug store to maybe pick up some ibuprofen for my headache. I squint me eyes as I enter the brightly lit store and gently massage my temples in attempt to ease the throbbing pain racing through my head. Pacing down the aisle, I quickly realize the store is empty with the exception of two girls in the cosmetics department. Standing on the other side of the shelf they're so deeply enthralled in, I listen in on their conversation about the newest make up compact.

These aren't soldiers. It almost depresses me to see how many people present at the academy are like this. Whose decision was it to have them sent here? They should be attending high school; not learning to fight and take lives. I continue eavesdropping, and as I hear them giggle I try to imagine them in a mobile suit fighting on the front lines. I can't even picture it, and the strain of thoughts only increases the pounding sensation in my head.

I quickly scoop up a bottle of Advil from the shelf and walk briskly to the checkout.

"You look terrible, dear," the cashier exclaims as I hand her the bottle. "You ought to check yourself into the infirmary!"

I know she's only trying to help, but I'm so _not_ in the mood to be lectured on what I should and should not do at the moment.

"Thanks, I'm fine," I say almost rudely, handing her my credit card. "I just didn't sleep well last night. You know, the excitement of beginning training," I say in attempt to reestablish some sense of courtesy. She casts me a peculiar look as I quickly walk away from her.

The truth is, I've had a splitting headache almost all day and I haven't eaten anything since my pitiful attempt to eat lunch at around noon today. Even then, I barely downed half a sandwich. I feel mentally and physically exhausted. As I leave the store, I pass the simulations room and the firing range. I glance into the window of the second room only to meet the eyes of none other than Shinn Asuka.

Did he receive his firearms license already? I break the awkward eye contact and walk away. I feel my stomach wrench with guilt. I know I should apologize, yet I can't bring myself to do it. I feel horrible for what I did, but now I feel even worse for having felt the need to get even with him in the first place. Even if he doesn't like me, I have no reason to be violent toward him. Despite the fact that I had indeed been humiliated in survival class, it was my own fault and Shinn hasn't done anything wrong. I only accomplished what he'd been aiming for; I feel into his trap. He was trying to make me snap.

I continue wandering until I find myself in front of the snack bar, the welcoming aroma of a greatly desired meal overwhelming my senses. I suppose in ending up here, it was my brains way of telling me to eat. Rather than consciously think about it, I walk up to the counter and order.

"Can I get a chicken caesar wrap please?" I don't have much of an appetite, but I know I should eat something before I wither away to nothing.

"Make that two wraps please."

I spin around to find Commander La Flaga standing beside me. He passes his credit card to the cashier before I even have a chance to get to mine.

"Wha? Commander, you really don't have to…"

"As long as we're not training, it's Mu; and don't worry about it. I haven't eaten either." He carries both trays to the table and sits across from me. "You look horrible; what's up?" He asks, removing the paper from the wrap.

"Yeah, so I've heard," I mumble, "I'm just exhausted. Long first day of training," I lie. Mu shoots me a look of disbelief. Am I that easy to read?

"I saw you during the fitness test yesterday, Athrun. Your stamina is outstanding, and today wasn't the least bit physically demanding. I know today was a breeze for you. Now what's really going on?" Yeah, maybe physically, but mentally it was brutal and since I haven't eaten… well I guess that explains my current state. "It has something to do with Mr. Asuka, doesn't it? What's going on between you two? Did you know him before coming here?"

"No. And I'd like to know the answer to that question too. He seems to have some kind of problem with me. I don't really understand it either," I say, taking a bite of the wrap.

"Well, I'm sure you're well aware that many people disagree with your father's views right? That could have something to do with it," Mu says bluntly, in no way attempting to soften the blow. "But you know there are always going to be people who dislike you. Besides, you aren't here to make friends and play nice with others; you're here to complete your training and learn about what it means to be a soldier of ZAFT. Unless you end up on a team with him, you'll never be required to be friends with him. Look, I've known you a little over twenty four hours and I can already see that you have huge potential. If you really want it, you stand a pretty good chance of obtaining that position on the van Aderkas team. You just need to display your skills and commitment. Others might see it as your father's influence, but it doesn't matter what they think. The fact is, you're a talented student regardless of your last name. Don't let one person ruin your chances, because that's exactly what he's trying to do."

I'm astonished at how well he can read me. Although I've never had a whole lot of self confidence, Mu seems to have a lot of faith in me; maybe even enough for the both of us. It feels good to know that_someone_ believes in me. It isn't really something I'm used to. For some reason, my father's negative or even absent feedback always outweighed my mother's positive opinions.

As I hear someone nearing the empty snack bar area, I look up to see Shinn stop dead in his tracks as he sees me. He snickers, shoots me one of his usual dirty looks and then proceeds to walk away. I know exactly what is going through his head. I return my attention to the commander.

"You know, it's strange that since I'm his son and I was raised to believe what my father taught me, I've never really agreed with most of his ideals. He just seems to have such an unreasonable disregard for naturals. He's driven by the prospect of war. Since my mother's death, he just seems so angry all the time. I know it's understandable, but it seems like he's using the Junius Seven tragedy as an excuse to go to war and it's only increased his hate for the naturals." I really have no idea why I'm sharing this with a man I've only recently met; but at the moment, it's what is on my mind and he's willing to listen.

"I'm glad to hear that you disagree with it. I have to say I was a little worried when I saw your name on my list; I was desperately hoping that I wouldn't be instructing a little Patrick Zala clone. No offence or anything."

"None taken," I mutter, taking another bite of my dinner.

"Honestly though, he has every right to be angered; they attacked us and unfortunately it's human nature to retaliate in that situation. Humans aren't any higher up than animals in that way. We fight rather than use words to settle our differences. Kind of ironic when you hear people say that coordinators are a highly evolved species."

************************************

I return to the common room to find that everyone except Kira and Setsuke has left. I suppose they've all gone to bed. The two look a little more relaxed now, and have retired from screaming at the television. Kira's hair is standing up on one side of his head from leaning against the couch for too long, and Setsuke's glasses are so far down his nose that I don't know how he can even see what's happening in front of him. Nevertheless, they look content. I took some Advil after eating and I'm feeling a little better after my talk with Mu. I wander subtly into the room and sit on the edge of my chair, not intending to stay long.

"Hey, where'd you go?" Kira asks from his comfortable looking position on the couch. It doesn't look like he's moved much in the last hour or two and he definitely hasn't showered yet.

"I just went for a walk and had something to eat," I reply, only telling half the story.

Kira pauses his game, "Shinn came back not long ago and said –"

I cut him off, "I don't want to know," I say angrily, standing up to head to back to the dorm. I know exactly what Shinn would have said; anything along the lines of 'ensuring his position as a ZAFT red over dinner with the commander.' I'm disgusted that Shinn would even mention something like that in front of the group that supposed to be my comrades for the rest of the term.

I hear Kira trailing me down the hall. "Athrun!" he calls, catching up to me, "Don't worry about him, he's just jealous. No one believes what he has to say anyway; everyone knows he's a jerk."

Opening the door to the dorm, I glance around to find Nicol and Hylas sitting at Nicol's desk watching a movie on his laptop. They both have headphones in their ears. I lower my voice, "if he's saying shit like that, who knows what people are going to think. I have to live with these people, Kira!"

"Who cares what people think, we all know how Shinn is. You don't have to prove anything to him; don't blow your chances over one stupid kid!"

Although I know Kira is right, I've now sunken into a miserable, morose mood and I no longer feel like talking. I force a smile and so my best to convince Kira that what he said made me feel better. I'm pretty sure he can see right through it, but he understands that I want to be left alone. I climb up to my bunk and pull the curtain around me. Crawling under the blankets, I allow my thoughts to override my mind and it isn't long before I drift off.

*********************************

I stare up at the dark ceiling and admit defeat. I've been desperately trying to fall back asleep for the last hour with absolutely no success. Its 6:30 and I don't have to be up for another hour or so. As the thoughts from last night threaten to resurface, I climb down off my bed and head for the cafeteria. Maybe I'll have more luck eating breakfast today than yesterday; even if I don't at least I'll have a good hour and a half to try.

The large dining hall is virtually empty, but to my surprise there is a familiar boy sitting at a table by himself. "Hylas, what are you doing up so early?" I ask in a friendly tone. I take the seat across the table from him and cross my arms on the table in front of me. He looks completely exhausted.

"Oh, hey!" He greets me enthusiastically, "I was at the fitness center. It's easier to go in the morning than after class when I'm worn out."

I wonder how many hours he has to log at the fitness center each week. The poor guy looks absolutely beat; dark circles surround the underside of his reddened eyes, but nevertheless, he forces a weak smile. I still haven't even gotten a chance to go to the fitness center. I feel guilty; I'm only required to log two hours, but I know as a level ten athlete I should know better than only to attend the bare minimum.

"If you ever want some company you can always wake me up. I wouldn't mind going with you."

Hylas looks up at me with a surprised expression, "really? That would be cool. It's nice in the mornings. I go to the older fitness center; the equipment isn't as nice but it's not as busy either." He sounds almost nervous, almost as though he's afraid of me. I quickly learn why. "So, your father is the chairman of the supreme council?" He still sounds nervous… maybe even a little more so.

I get it now; he sees me as some sort of celebrity or something. I let out a deep sigh; I had hoped the topic wouldn't arise. I suppose I should have expected it sooner or later since I am living with him now. After this I can only sit back and wait for questioning from Nicol.

"Yeah," I mumble, "but it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's not like he's pulling any strings for me here at the academy or–"

"Oh, that's not what I meant at all!" Hylas says, obviously afraid that he might have offended me.

"As you probably know, there are a lot of people who don't see eye to eye with him since he _is_ a radical leader. It makes for kind of a dangerous life; get my gist?" Hopefully my statement will clarify my feelings of the topic and simultaneously ease some of Hylas's tension. I lean in and casually rest my jaw in the palm of my hands, "My mother was on Junius Seven when it was attacked."

Hylas seems to grow a little more comfortable, as though he's beginning to see me as more of an equal rather than a superior. He looks unsure of what to say, "Did your… father see it as a personal attack?" He asks awkwardly.

"I actually have no idea," I sigh, "we're not as close as most people would probably think. I guess we just live our own separate lives and don't really interact. Either way, it's an excuse for him to wage war…"

"You don't really see things the same way as him, do you?" Hylas asks hesitantly.

Surprised that he figured that out so fast, I respond, "No. Unlike him, I have all the respect in the world for naturals. They aren't any different from you and me. My father has this idea that coordinators are a new and superior species. I think a lot of people here assume that I share his views simply because I'm his son. I wish I could have just come here with a clean slate, you know? Like everyone else."

Hylas shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "M–my parents were the same. They tried to raise me to believe that naturals were inferior. I don't believe it either though…"

It's my turn to feel uncomfortable. "Are they…?" I'm afraid to finish the sentence. The fact that he's referring to them in past tense can only lead me to assume that they're…

"They died when I was younger," Hylas says.

The awkward silence is broken as Kira and Nicol sit down beside us. I heave a sigh of relief as the tension lingering around us evaporates.

"So here you guys are; we thought we slept in!" Kira laughs, beginning to shove his mouth full of food. Nicol too seems to have adopted Kira's eating habits. It seems like the two are racing to see who can eat the most in the smallest amount of time. Hylas and I watch in awe as they devour their waffles like animals.

Hylas seems like a good guy; I'm grateful at the chance to get to know him better, even if it _was_ a little awkward. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed that he's a little behind compared to the rest of our group. Maybe if I go to the fitness center with him in the mornings I'll be able to help him catch up to everyone. Although coordinators are born with more potential than naturals, if we aren't properly trained and nurtured, we'll never amount to our full potential. Hylas said that his parents died; I wonder if there's a sad story behind his life. Perhaps one similar to mine?

Our first class is martial arts. Upon arrival, I'm mildly horrified to see that Shinn is immediately dismissed due to the injuries he sustained yesterday. I feel my stomach wrench with guilt as I watch him wander out of the gymnasium. I'm paired with Rey and Kira for the time being. Rey is a skilled fighter but although he has greater self control, he does not possess as much raw talent as Shinn. Honestly though, I'd way rather spar with Rey than with Shinn. My anxiety levels are greatly reduced and I feel like I can take it a little more seriously.

Our second block of the day is simulations. Mu shows us to the variety of different simulator machines present at the academy. The one that catches my attention is the ground training simulator. It's kind of like a cross between laser tag and paintball. It takes place in a field with a group of people like in paintball, but rather than shooting paintballs at each other, lasers are used to show when you've been hit. There are several other simulators as well; things like mobile suit and mobile armor simulators as well as underwater and anti gravity simulators. I can't help but feel excited at the prospect of spending three hours a week here; it's like a giant video arcade. The only difference is your scores count for more than losing a quarter.

Finally 2:30 rolls around and we're dismissed from class and released for our long awaited, much needed weekend. Although we've only had two days of classes, I feel like I've been here for months. Despite my exhaustion, I find myself in a rather upbeat mood. I had initially been dreading having to share my personal life with everyone at the academy, but it felt surprisingly good to talk to Hylas this morning. I guess having an unbiased opinion helped me to see things a little more clearly. Usually I talk to Kira about that kind of thing, and since he knows me so well he always has something to say. Hylas on the other hand, simply listened which turned out to be strangely refreshing.

We're all excited to have the weekend off to spend in our new environment. Additionally, we get to go into town on Sunday for our weekly excursion. I vaguely remember visiting this city when I was a child. My father had had business to attend to, so my mother and I took the opportunity for a vacation. I think Nicol mentioned spending a considerable amount of time in this city as well so he should know his way around. Either way, it should be fun.

After eating dinner, Kira and I decide to head down to the shooting range in attempt to obtain our firearms licenses. It turns out to be a fairly basic test; mostly just gun safety and a few other fundamental points. Kira and I both pass with ease. After completing the test, we stay to practice for a while. I've never had access to a firing range like this before. I've taken courses on firearms, but I was only allowed to practice during the classes themselves. I've always been fairly decent at shooting; it's something I've always been able to feel proud about. I don't feel that I really excel in many fields, but shooting is something that's always given me a bit of a confidence boost. Although I am proud of my skill, I've never been able to help feeling that it's kind of a useless talent. I don't know if the ability to kill someone is something I should be proud of.

Just as I'm holding the handgun up to eye level to aim, I notice the door open and I see a flash of black out of the corner of my eye. I fire my shot, missing the center of the target, then turn to see who entered. I accidently make eye contact with Shinn who wears a moderately horrified expression; he knows it's too late to turn back. I do my best to ignore Shinn, and I continue to fire off rounds, rarely missing a shot. I can feel Shinn watching me, and I do my best to hold back a satisfactory grin. I continue to try to practice as though Shinn _isn't_ watching. I see him hesitantly pull on the mandatory ear muffs and fire off a couple of shots. It doesn't take me long to realize he's an amateur. I don't even have to look at him; I can hear a fair number of shots miss the target and ring off the wall behind it.

Before I realize what he's doing, Kira approaches Shinn. I can't hear exactly what is being said through my earmuffs, but judging by the color of Shinn's face, I think Kira is trying to offer advice. Kira too is a fairly decent shot, and if Shinn wasn't an absolute moron and self proclaimed enemy to us, I wouldn't see a problem with Kira helping him. On the contrary, helping him is only going to make Kira seem condescending despite his actual genuine intention. As Kira stops speaking, Shinn takes a few more shots and evidently hits the target. I take the opportunity to pull off my earmuffs and glance in their direction just in time to hear Kira say "there you go, see? Keep working with that." Kira pats Shinn on the back and returns to his station.

I can see the unmistakable expression of humiliation plastered across Shinn's face; there might as well be smoke coming out of his ears. I don't understand why he can't just swallow his pride and accept the helping hand; not that I'm saying I'd easily be able to do so in his position. Shinn has obviously taken what was meant to be a simple helpful tip and twisted it into what he saw as some kind of personal attack on his pride. It's like he has this paranoid idea in his head that everyone is out to get him; like he sees everything as a threat.

Shinn only remains at the firing range long enough to make it seem like he's not running away out of blatant humiliation, and then he does just that. Once he's gone, Kira pulls his earmuffs down around his neck and puts his gun down. "What's with him? He didn't thank me or anything; he just seemed… mad." Kira says in a naïve tone. He obviously can't understand Shinn's warped perception; it worries me a little that I can.

"I think he felt like you were taking a shot at him; like you were trying to make him look bad. I don't know where it comes from; it's just how he is. He over analyzes things." I try to explain.

"I really wasn't trying to be condescending though; I just wanted to help," Kira says truthfully. Poor Kira, he's too kind for his own good.

After a while longer, Kira and I return to the C wing to find most of our group in the common room watching a movie. I immediately spot Shinn with his arm draped around Luna's shoulders. As he catches my eye, he pulls Luna closer as if to taunt me. Fortunately, his attempted torment doesn't faze me; I simply return to my dorm and climb up onto my bed with my computer. I already missed the first part of the movie anyway, and I really have no desire to spend any more time in the same room as Shinn than I have to. As I mindlessly surf the internet, I can't help but think about how immature and proud he is. I'm not sure if I've ever met someone with such pride issues, except perhaps Yzak. How is he going to fight in a war if he's so concerned with getting even with his own comrades? I know that at times I'm guilty of keeping score as well, but at least I realize that I'm doing it. That's how I justify it to myself anyway.

*********************************

I wake to the sound of Nicol's alarm clock, "Nicol! What the hell?" I yell, "It's Sunday, can't we sleep in?" I roll over to pull open my curtain. The sun pours in through the window, and as my vision focuses, I see Nicol standing next to his bunk fully dressed.

"You already did, its 10:00. The shuttle bus leaves in an hour. Get up," Nicol says, busying himself with something in his drawer. I completely forgot; were set to go into town today. I roll back over to face the wall; I don't want to get up. I feel so exhausted even though we've only been here four days.

The shuttle drops us off outside the largest mall I think I've ever seen. Nicol told us it was the biggest in the city, but I didn't expect anything like this. It's what… two, three… four stories tall? Holy crap!

"So guys, where to first?" Kira asks, his hands clasped behind his head. I was so concerned with getting away from the academy for the day that I almost forgot how much I hate shopping. Whenever we had a day off with Lacus she would always drag us to the mall. I wonder where she is; I suppose she found some better shopping buddies.

Our first stop is the sporting goods store. Kira had only brought two changes of fitness clothing to the academy. God, he's so unorganized. I recommend that maybe he buy some new pajama pants so I can have mine back. He laughs it off as if I was joking. I end up finding a hoodie and then I remember how much I dread paying for things. People always seem to read the name on my credit card then they look at me like I'm from another species.

When we finally get out of there, Kira and Hylas head their own way; something about a gaming store? I don't know. Nicol wanted to go look for an iPod so I follow him. I have no doubt in my mind that Kira and Hylas will get lost; at least Nicol knows where he's going.

"So you said there was a music store in this mall?" I ask Nicol casually.

"Several. The one I like is at the other end of the mall though. Have you been here before? This place is huge!" Nicol speaks with an excited tone in his voice.

"I might have been here when I was young, I don't really remember though. Did you say you lived here at one point?" I ask. I remember him saying something about it.

"Yeah, for a few years; I've lived all over the PLANTs. My father actually works with your father, but we move around a lot," Nicol says, catching my attention. How did I not know this? I thought I knew everyone my father worked closely with.

"What? Who is he?" I ask curiously.

"Yuri Amalfi, he's the defense committee member of –" I interrupt him.

"Maius City! You're Yuri's son?!" I can't believe it. I've met Yuri many times and I always knew he had a son; I just never made the connection when I first met Nicol. Drrp!

Yuri's a moderate leader, where as my father is a radical. Yuri's always been far more popular to the public, especially before my father obtained the position of chairman. Now they _have_ to like my father, at least they have to pretend they do. However, anyone who dislikes the naturals fully supports my father.

Nicol obviously sees the look of discomfort on my face; I hate talking about my father. He changes the subject. "You and Kira seem close, how long have you known him?"

"For as long as I can remember actually, I don't know exactly how we met, but it's like having a brother. We don't live in the same city anymore, since my father became the chairman, but we went to the same boarding school on the moon. When we're not at school he just kind of shows up at my house all the time. Wait –" I make another connection in my mind. "Yzak Joule, is he…?"

"Ezalia Joule's son. And Dearka is Tad Elsman's son. I've known them for as long as I can remember too, but I think they're pretending they don't remember me. Not that I have a problem with that, they're both douche bags," Nicol jokes, obviously not overly disappointed.

"No wonder they're so arrogant. How did we all end up in the same group?" I ask. I wonder if someone pulled some strings somewhere along the line. Nicol doesn't answer me. I'm sure he's thinking the same thing though.

"There's the store," Nicol says, pointing at a large department type looking store. This is probably the largest, most diverse music store I've ever seen. It has everything from large variety of instruments to CD's and every kind of music player I think I've ever seen. No wonder Nicol was so keen on crossing the entire mall to get here. He walks straight to the mp3 player stand and starts reading the features of each one. He'd been blabbing all morning about getting an IPod. I hate IPods. In fact, I hate anything having the "i" attached to it. imacs, iPods, iTunes, ugh. I wander over to where he stands, and start looking at the other mp3 players. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have one; it would be good for the gym and running and whatnot. Without really thinking about it, I decide to purchase one.

I sign the credit card slip, and I hold my breath hoping the cashier won't look at my name. She doesn't. Phew. I'm kind of surprised my dad hasn't cut me off yet. It was my mother's idea to get me the card; my dad just pays it. I'm sure he never even looks at the statement. I do my best not to take advantage of it, but it's difficult to hold back sometimes since so far the sky is the limit. I often find myself feeling guilty about using it at all though. I think the reason I dislike it most though is that people always give me weird looks when they see my name.

"Athrun!" A girl's voice calls my name from behind me. I turn to see Lunamaria and Meyrin coming toward us. Meyrin's face glows red; why is she always like this around me?

"What are you guys up to?" Luna asks. She's so outgoing; I wish I could be more like that. Instead, I feel rather nervous around people, especially her.

"We were just looking at mp3 players. Nicol's looking for an iPod," I say foolishly. I never realized how much Kira says for me when we're around other people. I look over to the right to see Nicol talking to Meyrin. What's this, he's blushing?!

"That's funny; Meyrin was looking for one too. I however am good with my old fossil here," Luna says as she pulls out a large beat up looking mp3 player. It looks first generation.

I laugh slightly, "I've never actually had any kind of personal… music player? I just bought one for fun I guess," I say, pulling the box from the red bag.

"It looks awesome!" she says. She glances over at Nicol and Meyrin. They're talking to the salesman, looking at the same iPod in two different colors. Nicol has a neon green one, and to no one's surprise, Meyrin has a pink one in her hand. How cute. He's totally going to get it later for this. I wonder if he's ever had a girlfriend before.

"Do you guys wanna go for ice cream with us after?" Luna asks me. Um, YES! I think to myself. I definitely wasn't expecting any kind of invitation from her. Will I even be able to carry a conversation with her for that long? Am I going to end up making a fool of myself in front of her? Most likely.

"Luna!" My thoughts are interrupted by the last person I wanted to see here. I turn to see Rey following Shinn into the store.

"Oh, hey Shinn," Luna says. She doesn't look any happier to see him than I am.

"I've been looking all over for you!" Shinn says bearing a large grin. "I wanted to give you your birthday present." Shinn pulls a small red teddy bear out of a shopping bag. It holds a small box that screams jewelry. Luna's eyes light up as she sees the gift, and I back off. She opens the box and I catch the reflected light from a pair of red ruby earrings. I continue to back away discretely; wanting nothing more than to bolt from the store. As Luna gasps at the gift, Shinn gives me a victorious smirk.

"Shinn, they're beautiful!" Luna exclaims. "Thank you so much!" I watch as she jumps into Shinn's arms.

"Happy birthday, Luna," Shinn says swiftly as he hugs her. He looks over her shoulder at me and again gives me an arrogant smirk.

Meyrin and Nicol are now watching as well. Meyrin is hung up about the earrings, but Nicol sees exactly what Shinn is trying to pull. Rey stands by as if he's an uninvolved passerby.

I want to get out of here so badly. I'm humiliated, and the ounce of pride I thought I had developed is quickly snatched away. Thankfully, Luna is too focused on the earrings to see how mortified I am. Nicol takes one look at me, and makes the decision to sacrifice his time with Meyrin in order to help.

"Hey Athrun, come check this out," Nicol bluffs. It's an obviously ploy to bail me out, but I'm thankful nonetheless. Luna has obviously forgotten about her earlier offer, and I have no desire to stick around. Nicol pays the cashier, and we leave the store.

I'm completely quiet once we're out of the store. I still can't believe he did that. What a jerk. So he wants to make this a competition too? Ugh, forget about it, I think to myself, giving up on any thought of revenge I might have had.

"You ok, Athrun," Nicol asks. "That was a pretty harsh move he pulled there."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie pointlessly. He can obviously see right through me.

"Don't worry about him; don't let him win. He's just trying to throw you off." Nicol offers.

I understand what he's saying, but I know I only have to act like it doesn't bother me. Shinn might know how I feel, but no one else needs to. Unfortunately this is easier said than done. I do my best to leave it behind me.

**Author's Note:**

**So that definitely took longer than expected to post. Just for the record, I had it done over a week ago; my editors are slacking.. lol jk... but srsly, they are.  
Anywho... no reviews yet... any readers out there?? Or has Gundam Seed died?? Feedback anyone??  
Part 5 is pretty well done, but lets see if any reviews happen to surface.**

**Oh btw, I changed the rating to T for now; if anyone disagrees let me know! It will probably get changed back to M in the future.**

**If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!**


	5. Chapter 5: Answers

It's been just over three months since we arrived here at the academy. The dorms have begun to feel more like home, and our group, like family. All in all I feel that I'm becoming far more comfortable here than I ever thought I would. I still quarrel with Shinn often, but everyone, even Yzak and Dearka have become more civil. Ok, maybe not Yzak.

Hylas and I have been going to the fitness center every second morning before class, and I go for jogs every other morning. I was never a morning person before coming to ZAFT, but recently I've had no problem getting up the minute my alarm goes off. I've never been in better physical shape in my life. Despite my growing comfort level here at the academy I'm still not sure if this is where I belong and I continue to stick out like a sore thumb as my father's son.

Thursday morning brings an unusually late sunrise and a blanket of frost to the training grounds. I glance at the clock; it's only 5:40. No matter how hard I try to turn my mind off, I can't get back to sleep. For some completely unexplainable and random reason, I can't stop thinking about my father. It's ironic that even though I haven't spoken to him in months, he still manages to cause me trouble nonetheless. As much as it still bothers me, I've started to grow used to the feelings.

Finally, I realize there isn't much point in trying to sleep any longer, and I get up to go for an early run. I pull on a clean t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants before leaving the dorm. I hop lightly down the stairs to the front and wave at the familiar secretary in the front office. It's still dark outside, but the trail around the academy is lit up. Stepping outside, I push my earphones into my ears and turn up the volume on my mp3 player before breaking into a light jog around the mobile suit training field. I feel odd as I realize I forgot my wrist band back in the dorm. I guess it's not a big deal since there's no one around to see anything. I've felt a little better lately; I think all the exercise I've been subjecting myself to has helped with my mental well being. Something about endorphins or something? I can't remember.

As I run past the border of the forest, I notice an out of place set of lights and a number of people crowded around the area. It's then that I remember that it's almost the end of term, and all the first term students are required to complete the obstacle course as their final fitness test. Our group is set to do it tomorrow. I honestly don't think there's a student that isn't dreading it. From what we've heard, it's more than a physical test. It takes mental tactics in order to complete it with a decent time and it is to account for a large portion of our grade. On top of that, we're to be graded in accordance to each other. So let the competitions begin.

After a couple of laps around my usual track, I return to the building and head directly for the shower. By the time I'm finished, it's almost seven. Hylas will most likely be at the cafeteria soon, so I get dressed and head down there.

Our first class is survival. We're in the midst of our first aid lessons and although I've taken basic first aid before, it's nothing compared to this. Its like were being trained to become doctors or something. They teach us everything from CPR to setting broken bones and even how to extract bullets from a wound. _God_ I hope I never have to do put that skill to use. I find most of it interesting, but I'm slightly distracted today as I've been paired with Lunamaria. Unlike our crazy martial arts teacher, our various survival teachers pair us randomly each class. I'm not sure if I'm more amused by the dirty looks Shinn keeps giving me, or by Luna herself. I do my best to take advantage of any occasion I get to talk to her, and this is a huge opportunity. I've become less shy around her, and despite the fact that she's now Shinn's unofficial girl friend, she seems to enjoy the time we spend together. I have no problem with just being friends with her, but it's still fun to watch Shinn squirm when I'm with her. Lately her younger sister Meyrin has been showing a weird interest in me as well. She gawks at me whenever she sees me and although it's flattering, I feel guilty since I know Nicol likes her.

After survival, were to attend our academics class. We were split into groups based on our placement test, and Kira, Monica, Setsuke and I were the only ones from our group to make it into the top class. Although it's nice to be seen as a top level student, it won't have any effect on where we end up as soldiers. As it's nearing the end of term, the homework, and subsequently the stress levels are extremely high.

"So for your homework," Professor Rineus says, causing me to shake my head and snap back into focus, "I'd like you to compose a twelve hundred word essay on the topic, 'Why I chose to join the ZAFT military,'" he says slowly as he write the words on his chalk board. As usual, the words are slanted downward from left to right since the man is not tall enough to reach near the top of the board. It's like he stands on the tips of his toes when he begins on the far left, but then gets lazy as he writes and the words end up diagonal across the chalk board. I wonder if he even realizes it. "Now this essay will be worth a decent portion of your grade, and it will also be submitted to the head office which is where your final status and position will be determined. You have until next Wednesday to complete it. Class dismissed."

I feel my jaw drop to the ground before I even have time to comprehend the meaning of the assignment. Just my luck. I know it's going to be more difficult for me than for many others, and it's not as though I can fake my way through it if it's going to be submitted to the evaluators. "Damnit," I whisper to myself; the words are unheard amongst the unruly students.

As the lunch period begins, Kira and I head for our usual table in the cafeteria. The room is buzzing with discussion of the assignment and in my opinion; the majority of the students are far too excited. Apparently all the classes have been given the same project. The idea of having to finalize my reason for being here puts me a in a low mood.

We are to attend our martial arts class following lunch. This is about the last place I want to be right now. I wish I could fake sick, but in that case I'd have to be checked out by a nurse in order to confirm it. I have no doubt in my mind that _Shinn's_ still bitter about survival class, and I'm in no mood for his antics at present moment.

We continue to learn about holds and various types of locks. I usually enjoy the lesson part of the class, but when it comes to sparring, Shinn never fails to ruin it for me. We often yell at each other, and Shinn tends to use unnecessary force at times, but it's generally nothing I can't handle. I'm actually surprised we haven't been split up since we seem to cause some kind of commotion every class. I guess Xiung is sticking to his theory of 'healthy competition.'

Throughout the lesson I continue to think about this assignment, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. By the time we are to commence sparring, I'm in a horrible mood. I was right about Shinn being in a crappy mood too. He continues to throw forceful moves at me until finally I snap- I throw him to the ground and dig my knee into his back, "What's wrong with you?! Why do you have such a huge problem with me?!" I've been dying to ask him this forever, I press my knee hard into his back between his shoulder blades.

"I will never respect anyone with the name Zala," he says quietly, making no attempt to free himself from my hold. Puzzled, I loosen my hold on him, and he rebounds. "My entire family was killed because of Chairman Zala!" Shinn bellows, throwing me front first into the mat. He thrusts my right arm behind my back, and bends my hand backward into a painful wrist lock. "Your father deported my parents to Junius Seven because they were naturals, and then only months later it was blown up!" Shinn yells. He then puts his face close to my ear, "and you know what, my little sister was a coordinator, BUT SHE WAS KILLED TOO!" Shinn screams into my ear. He twists my arm further and throws me onto my back causing something in my wrist to pop. I let out a loud cry and he releases me, apparently satisfied.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I roll onto my side and cradle my arm as tears come into my eyes; not tears of pain, but tears for what I've just heard. Shinn stands over me with tears of anger and sorrow in his eyes as well. I think of my own family, my mother, and my father. I hate my father. How could he do something like that? It was so unnecessary, and all it did was vividly depict his hatred and prejudice against the naturals. I understand Shinn's disregard for me now; disregard to say the least.

Shinn looks down at me, "you and your _entire_ family are and always will be pathetic cowards who understand nothing about the real world. You sit at the top pretending to understand what people are going through, yet you only make decisions based on your own feelings!"

I've had it. I kick Shinn's legs out from under him, causing him to fall on top of me. I kick his chest to get him off of me, "Don't you dare talk about my family like that!" I yell back at him.

"This is what I think of you and your family," Shinn literally spits and himself off the ground. By now Mu and officer Xiung have seen what's happening, and they rush to pull Shinn away from me. I remain lying on the floor at their feet. By now the entire class moves closer to catch of glimpse of what's occurring. They've seen and heard everything. I wipe my face with my left arm as I watch officer Xiung escort Shinn from the gymnasium, my head swimming to the point where I can't comprehend a single thought.

"Class dismissed!" Mu calls heatedly, making it clear that everyone is to leave. Kira drops to his knees next to me as the rest of the students file from the gym.

"Athrun, are you ok?" Kira asks, gripping my shoulders and pulling me into a sitting position.

"Yeah I – I just can't believe what I just heard…" I heave. I look down at my wrist which seems to have swelled to roughly twice its usual size, but I don't really feel the pain at the moment. My breath quickens

Mu kneels beside me, "is it broken?" he asks, taking hold of my right arm. I watch him curiously as he checks it out.

"I don't think so," I respond; I really have no idea if it's broken, but my brain is too overrun to really even consider it right now. Shinn's words ring through my head, repeating themselves over and over. '_My entire family was killed because chairman Zala!_' I get it now – why Shinn hates me so much. He really has every right to feel the way he does.

"Come on," Mu says, breaking my focus, "You need to go to the infirmary. Kira, can you take him? I have to go write up a report on this," Mu says with an irritated tone.

"Uh, sure," Kira replies. Mu pats me on the shoulder with a serious but supportive glance before getting up to leave the room.

I still don't move; the words won't go away. '_My little sister was a coordinator, but she was killed too!_'

"Come on Athrun, get up," Kira insists, sliding his right arm around me and pulling me to my feet. I put no effort into getting up, and Kira crumples slightly under my weight. I still don't move, and I remain rooted to the spot holding my right hand in my left, staring off at nothing in particular.

"Look Athrun, what Shinn said might have been true, but you are _not_ Patrick Zala, you haven't done anything wrong! I can tell you, as someone who has known you all your life, you are nothing like him. I'm willing to swear to that," Kira says, his widened amethyst eyes locked firmly onto mine.

I snap out of my trance; it's good to hear. I finally regain my composure and follow Kira to the infirmary waiting room. He offers to wait, but I insist that he returns to firearms class. I know that he's just worried; maybe not so much about my injury but more about what Shinn said to me.

"You could use the firearms practice," I joke in attempt to keep him from worrying.

The nurse takes x-rays of my entire arm and then leaves me in the examination room with only my thoughts and a disposable ice pack. She tells me I'm not to try to move my wrist until they confirm that it isn't broken. It's not like I really can anyway. However, the second she leaves the room, I start checking it out myself. I am unable to bend my wrist or my thumb, and I can't move any of my fingers. I wince as a searing pain shoots up my arm and I return the ice pack to its original position. I sigh as the pain is relieved and wonder if I hurt Shinn at all.

I jump slightly as the nurse re-enters the room. "Are you ok?" She asks with a puzzled glance as she sees that she scared me.

I let out a quick sigh, "yeah, you just startled me is all," I say politely.

"So, nothing is broken, you do have a moderate sprain but it's nothing too serious. It's in kind of a rough spot, so it will probably hurt more than you would expect," she says sweetly, as if to soften the blow. I sigh in relief; a broken bone would have put me out at least a month.

She splints my wrist and thumb and wraps layers of bandages around the contoured plastic. "Don't take the bandages off unless you're icing it, which you should do at least four or five times a day for twenty minutes on, twenty off. Once the swelling goes down you can wrap it without the splint. You should be ok to return to class next Wednesday. Now this message will be passed along to your instructors, so don't try to return any earlier." She continues to ramble off instructions, and I nod my head as though I'm listening. Finally, she lets me leave.

I wander out of the exam room toward the waiting area. Do I go back to class or should I just return to the dorm? Regardless, I need to get out of here – I hate this place. I exit the waiting room to find Mu leaning against the wall just to the left of the door holding my hoodie.

"I always hated this place," Mu says. I snigger a little, seeing as how I was just thinking the same. I wonder what his reasoning is though; perhaps he had some traumatic experience during his training or something. Not that many people really enjoy being around hospitals.

"So what's the verdict?" he asks casually.

"Just a sprain," I reply.

"I only heard what happened, I didn't see it. What really went down?" Mu asks me cautiously. He knows me well enough now to know that I'm touchy when it comes to certain things; things like this for example. I really don't feel like talking about it. He heard it all, isn't that enough?

"I don't really know, it just sort of happened," I say. Maybe he'll figure I'm too shaken up to remember it. "How's Shinn?" I ask. I don't really care how he is to be honest; I just want to get to the focus off myself.

"He's fine, just a bit rattled. I sent him back to class. I'm supposed to send you back too, but it dooooesn't look like you're going to be able to do much. You've probably missed most of the lecture anyway. Here, why don't you just go back to the dorm, class will be done soon anyway," he says. He holds out my hoodie like a parent would for a small child, or rather a father for a son? I slide my left arm in the sleeve, and he helps me with the right sleeve. I feel a strange paternal vibe from him; something I've never felt before.

"Thanks," I say awkwardly. I can feel the pain in my wrist now; I guess I was too preoccupied to realize it before. Mu notices immediately.

"Are you ok?" He asks, "Did they give you any painkillers or anything?" He has a concerned look on his face. More of the paternal vibe. It's not a bad thing, just a little strange, especially since he can't be over 30.

"No, I'm fine," I lie.

"You should go relax up in the dorm, I'll meet you later. I'm going to need you to sign some stuff later on," Mu says, turning to walk in the opposite direction. I stand there for a moment; I'm kind of surprised that he's letting me skip class like this. It's weird, I was always afraid of being favored for being my father's son, and now I think I might be a favourite of Mu's, but not for that reason. It's like I earned it myself. Or maybe he just feels sorry for me. Whatever.

I head up to the C wing and climb onto my bed. I lay flat on my back and let my right arm rest elevated beside my head. It feels good to finally be alone. The events begin to replay themselves again in my head. I still can't get the sound of Shinn's cries out of my head. I've never seen him cry before; he looked almost… human. '_My entire family was killed because of Patrick Zala_!' '_You and your entire family are and always will be pathetic cowards_." I roll onto my right side and let my hand fall against my left shoulder. Is he right? I kind of agree; my father's actions had been pathetic. And I, well I'm not a whole lot better, not the way I see myself anyway.

"Athrun?" My thoughts are interrupted by Kira entering the room. I didn't even hear the door open. As I sit up, I realize that I was almost asleep.

"Dude, you look like crap," Kira says jokingly.

"Thank you." I sarcastically shoot back, causing Kira to laugh.

"How's your arm? Commander La Flaga sent me to check on you." Kira says as he walks toward our mini fridge. "Well, actually one of the firing booths went down and he said it was my turn to sit out. I think he just wanted me to make sure you weren't mega brooding" Kira tosses an ice pack up onto my bunk. Right – I'm supposed t be icing it. He then climbs up onto my bed himself. He has a nasty habit of doing that, intruding on my personal space. It's not like I get much privacy as it is.

I unravel the bandages from my arm and brace myself as I attempt to bend my wrist. It burns, causing me to grit my teeth as I wrap the gel ice pack around it.

"_God_ man, that looks ugly," Kira says, looking as though he's in pain as well. "How long are you out for?" He asks as his face resumes its normal goofy expression.

"I dunno exactly, I think she said Wednesday? I wasn't really paying attention. I'm sure Commander La Flaga will say something to me."

"It's a good thing you listen hey? Did you talk to him about the fitness test tomorrow?" Kira asks as he steals my pillow and leans back against the wall.

Crap, I had totally forgotten about the fitness test tomorrow! "No, not yet. I'm supposed to meet him later; I guess I'll ask him then." The end of term isn't until next Friday, as long as I get it done before then I should be fine.

"I'm sure he'll be able to pull some strings for you. You are his favourite after all" Kira laughs. I laugh back and brush it off although it does bother me slightly. It's not like I don't get it enough from Yzak and the others. "So Shinn looked pretty horrified when he returned to class to see that you weren't there. I didn't think remorse was even in his emotional spectrum, but he sure looked like he felt bad."

"I doubt it," I say. He might feel bad for hurting me, but given the opportunity, I don't think he'd take back what he said to me. I bet he's been holding that in for a while now. "It's not something that can really be forgiven." I know I'm sulking, but I can't hold it back anymore.

"Athrun, he knows just as well as any of us that you have nothing to do with it. It's not like you're your father's personal advisor, 'ok dad, KILL ALL THE NATURALS'" Kira jokes in his best attempt at mimicking my voice. I don't even make an effort to laugh. "And it's not like your father had planned for it to be attacked. It was a coincidence, nothing more. Shinn is just looking for someone to blame. Don't let it get to you," Kira says supportively. I don't reply. "I'm gonna take a shower; take it easy ok?" Kira says as he heads for the bathroom. Again I don't say anything. I can't imagine how Shinn must feel. I remember how I felt when I heard my mother had died. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. Shinn lost his entire family. I may only have my father left, but at least it's someone. I can't help but think maybe; just maybe it wasn't an accident. What if the attack was planned? What if it was a ploy to begin the eradication of the naturals?

NO! I try to force myself to stop thinking like that!

It's crossed my mind before, but I do my best to block it out. My mind returns to Shinn. Will I ever make peace with him? Or will he hold my father's actions against me forever? I try to imagine what he must be feeling. I would probably feel the same if his family had something to do with my mother's death. The loss of a family member can cloud a person's judgment.

I jump as something hits my face. I quickly realize it's a wet towel. "You still alive up there?" Kira asks. Again, I didn't even hear the door open, and again, I was almost asleep. I go to sit up, only to mindlessly put pressure on my wrist. I collapse back down, face first into the pillow. "Damnit," I mutter into the soft material of the pillow. I pop my head up to look at Kira; he is looking at me with a confused look on his face.

"Did they check your head when you were at the infirmary? It's been like 5 minutes and you were out." Kira says as he digs in his drawer for a hoodie.

"Huh?" I sit up, completely dazed. My t-shirt is drenched in sweat.

"Dude, are you ok?" Kira asks, looking up at me with a concerned expression.

"Yeah," I say, putting a hand to my aching head, I climb down from my bunk and dig for a new t-shirt. As I pull on the clean red shirt, I realize I haven't worn this specific shirt since the day I applied to ZAFT. I suddenly make sense of the secretary's words: _by the way, red's a good color for you._ I pull on a hoodie as I can feel myself shivering. Maybe there is something wrong with my head.

"Wanna go down to the common room? Relax a bit before everyone else gets back?" Kira asks.

"Yeah sure," I reply without really giving much thought. In all honesty I kind of just want to go to sleep. I wrap my wrist back up and reluctantly follow Kira into the common room. I settle into my usual recliner, and Kira stretches out on the couch before turning on the TV.

It's not long before a group of students spill through the door. I catch a glance of black hair and Shinn enters the room. He stops in the doorway as he sees me, the colour drains from his face and the guilt in his eyes is unmistakable. I'm shocked; is he actually feeling remorse? Our eyes remain locked until Luna passes in front of Shinn; once she moves and my view is cleared, he's gone.

It's early evening, and the tension in the common room has finally died down. Kira, Nicol, Sstsuke and Artemis are playing Xbox again, and I'm in my usual chair with my head buried in a text book. As usual, they're making no distinct effort to keep the noise level below average. I tried to take a nap earlier, but no luck. Shinn, Rey and Luna are sitting in the corner of the room playing what seems like an intense card game. Every now and then I catch Shinn staring, but he's yet to make eye contact, not to mention verbal contact with me. Hylas is beside me in another chair with his laptop. I think he's starting the essay we were assigned today. I'd be interested in reading it; he seems like a pretty determined kid. Unlike me, he probably has a good reason for enlisting. I've still chosen not to think about the assignment.

I've read the same paragraph probably six times, yet I still have no idea what it's about. At the moment my mind refuses to absorb anything. I glance up as Mu enters the room with business written all over his face. "Athrun, Shinn, might I have a word?" He asks politely. I'm grateful that he doesn't call me by my last name. I think he's seen me cringe one too many times at the mention of it. The common room falls silent as I stand up and throw my text book on the chair behind me. Shinn too stands up and follows the commander out of the room.

He leads us to what I think is an office, but it seems a little lacking in the furniture category. A computer and a lamp are set up on the floor, and there are several pillows scattered throughout the room. Is this his office? He gestures for us to take a seat on the floor.

"Sorry, I've never been a fan of chairs," Mu says casually, taking a set on the floor opposite me and Shinn. We are both silent.

"So I have to submit a report on what transpired today. Since you were both involved, and you both received medical treatment, I need you both to sign it. It took me a while, but I did my best to explain what more or less took place while keeping you both out of trouble. I don't know the exact details of what happened," his tone goes from casual to very formal, "but as far as anyone is concerned, the injuries inflicted were purely accidental. You two both stand a good chance for Red status, as well as the position on the Van Aderkas team, so whatever is going on between you, I suggest you sort it out. This is the only time I will cover up for you, is that clear?"

"Yes sir," Shinn replies in an official tone.

"Understood," I say more casually, hanging my head. This isn't the first time Mu has said something of this sort to me.

His tone resumes its natural laid-back tone, "so I have a copy for each of you, but I need both signatures on this one," he says as he hands us each a copy. The report basically states that it had been an accident that occurred and neither one of us are to be held responsible.

Shinn signs the form, and passes to me. The look on Shinn's face is almost one of a pained expression as he watches me struggle to sign the paper with my next to useless right hand. My signature looks nothing like it normally would. I laugh slightly as I look at it and pass it back to Mu. Shinn looks relieved that I'm laughing. I never imagined him as someone who could feel this much guilt. Part of me wants to relieve him of it; but part of me also wants to make him squirm a little longer. Mu stands up, "I have to go submit this, I'll see you two later," he says, quickly leaving the office. He's obviously hoping that Shinn and I will talk.

He gets his wish.

Hesitantly, I take the initiative, "listen Shinn, I want to apologize for my father's actions, and I'm sorry about what happened earlier today." Shinn stands up to leave. Well, I tried. Awkwardly, I look away from him. I wait to hear the door open, but nothing comes. I look up to see Shinn standing over me with his left hand outstretched. "I'm the one who should be apologizing, so I'm sorry," he says strenuously. I can't tell if he really means it, but it's still a lot coming from him. I can see how difficult this is for him. I take Shinn's hand and he pulls me to my feet.

"Shinn, I –"

"Listen, Luna said something to me earlier that hit me. 'He's not his father.' I know I should have realized it sooner, I just –" he breaks into tears. I don't blame him; I can see how hard this is for him. For him it would be like forgiving the person who murdered his family. At least I think that's the way he's grown to think of me.

"I understand, and I don't blame you. I know exactly what you're going through. I don't know if you heard, but my mother was also on Junius Seven at the time." I can feel tears threatening to come into my own eyes now. Shinn had obviously not heard. He stops sobbing, and a look of utter shock crosses his face. Maybe if he _had_ realized this before he would not have blamed my father.

"I'm sorry," Shinn mutters quietly.

"Let's put an end to this; there's enough pressure on us already and enough fighting going on around us without this tension," I say with an unexplained sense of confidence. I have no idea where it's coming from. "Truce?" I smile slightly, holding out my left hand. Shinn takes it and agrees. I've never felt a more awkward handshake; it might just be because it's left handed, but I think what is more foreign to me is just who's hand I'm shaking.

Shinn stares at my right hand, "is it broken?" he asks, his face turning an unnatural shade of red.

"Nah, you're not that good," I say with a grin, "it's just a sprain."

"Good to hear," he says in the least awkward tone I've heard all night. And what is this? A smile?

"Should we go back?" I ask. It's my turn to sound awkward.

"Yeah," Shinn replies, opening the door for me. As I exit the room, I catch a glimpse of Mu's wavy blonde hair as he withdraws his head from around a corner. I laugh to myself. _You got your wish, Mu. _

I return to my recliner, close my text book and watch the others play their game.

"Wanna play?" Kira asks, offering me a controller.

"Nah I'm good," I reply, motioning toward my useless hand. I think I probably would if I could though.

"What are you so happy about?" He asks, seeing the irregular smirk on my face.

"Oh, nothing," I say, glancing over to Shinn. Kira looks over to see a matching smirk on Shinn's face. He understands. Kira then stands up and heads for the freezer. He returns and throws and ice pack into my lap. God Damnit Kira, you're too persistent.

"Wipe that smirk off your face young man, you're here to learn, not have fun!" Kira says in an old lady voice.

"Aw, but I don't wanna" I whine as I throw the ice pack back at him, narrowly missing his head.

"Don't you take that tone with me, mister! If you don't –" Kira breaks into laughter before he can finish his sentence, and I do as well. Nicol too is giggling. I glance over to Shinn, Rey and Luna who stare at us like we're crazy.

I make eye contact with Shinn, and he grins back at me. I never thought I'd see the day.


	6. Chapter 6: A Series of Examinations

**A/N: So I'd just like to point out one thing to all those expecting an AsuCaga pairing... I am really not a fan of Cagalli and therefore, there will be no such pairing. There will be pairings in the future... a few different ones so I'm not naming any names... and I haven't quite decided yet lol.**

**Also, just incase there was any confusion, I do not own Gundam Seed. I assume you already knew that... if not... well then you have a problem.**

**Incase anyone is interested, I'm pretty well finished writing this story and posting it is just a matter of editing and changing things here and there. I'm not going to beg for reviews, but if you'd like to motivate me to post more frequently... well I think you know what to do. And thank you to those who did review, it is much appreciated.**

**Thanks for reading!**

I have some trouble dragging myself out of bed early Friday morning, but Hylas and I head off to the fitness center nonetheless. Why we're going, I have no idea. He has his fitness test first block, and my wrist is still swollen to the size of a balloon. I manage a light workout, mostly lower body and a bit of cardio. We then return to the dorm, shower, and meet Kira and Nicol in the cafeteria. It's only now that I realize I could have slept in. Hylas gets in line for breakfast, and I head straight for the table where Kira and Nicol sit. I figure I'll eat something a bit later when everyone leaves; I'm not that hungry yet anyway. The cafeteria is unusually busy this morning. Conversations buzz of the fitness test; evidently our group isn't the only one doing it today.

"You just don't give it a rest do you? Even when you're injured," Kira laughs as I sit down at the table.

"I'm fine," I reply. Honestly, I think no matter how bad it got, that would be my answer. In this case however, as long as I'm not moving my wrist, I _am_ fine.

"You must be stoked that you don't have to do this today hey?" Kira asks regarding the fitness test.

"Well, I'm gonna have to do it eventually, I kind of wish I could just get it over with now," I reply in a slightly bitter tone. I don't know why I'm in a crappy mood; I just am.

"What the hell?! Watch it!!"

I look to my left to see what the commotion is about. I glance over just in time to see Hylas fall backwards, spilling his tray of food all over the place. An older looking student with short dark hair is standing over him. He's got an overconfident, arrogant grin on his face. Before I realize what I'm doing, I'm on my feet and confronting the guy.

"What's going on?" I demand in defensive tone.

"Ooh, tough guy. This little rat jumped in front of me," the boy responds, followed by a snicker. I only realize now that he's got a good 5 inches on me. I don't care; Hylas is like my little brother. I'm not going to let some cocky, testosterone-driven moron pick on him.

"No I didn't!" Hylas protests from the floor.

"So what, he's like a foot shorter than you; pick on someone your own size," I say, almost shouting.

"Who, like you?" the boy says, shoving me backward by my shoulders. I stumble back, but catch myself just as I back into someone. I turn slightly to find Kira behind me. He is quickly joined by Shinn and Artemis.

"Save it for the battle field, although a stunt like that won't get you far out there," Shinn says relentlessly. Whoever would have thought that his arrogance could be useful?

"You should watch who you're messing with," Artemis says, "this is Athrun Zala, Chairman Zala's son!" he bellows. Although I appreciate the support, I wish Artemis hadn't have said that. It quickly becomes clear that this guy is all talk, as he quickly backs down at the prospect of having to take on all four of us.

"Thanks," I say over, turning to face the others.

"No prob," Artemis says as he turns to head back to his table.

"Don't mention it buddy," Kira says, patting me on the shoulder. He then pulls Hylas to his feet. I watch Shinn follow Artemis away, and Kira goes to replace Hylas's meal.

"Thanks, Athrun, it means a lot," Hylas says softly.

I smile back at him, "Anytime." Hylas is slightly weaker than the rest of us, and despite the effort he puts forth, he still struggles. For this reason, I do whatever I can to help him. I realize just how protective of him I am. Come to think of it, I'd do that for any of my friends. Maybe I realize now what I'm here for. I'll fight; even die to protect my friends. Nothing like what happened with my mother will ever happen to me again. I think I know what to write my assignment on.

I remain awkwardly in the common room as the rest of the group leaves for the fitness test. I don't think this room has ever felt so large, or so empty for that matter. What am I going to do with myself for three days while the others are in class? The obvious choice would be to start my assignment, but I justify putting it off slightly longer since I am unable to type properly with my right hand. I relax in my favourite recliner for a while longer, and then I head back to the dorm to pick up my computer.

As I enter the room, I mindlessly pick up the mail from the floor and throw it on top of the mini fridge. As I'm about to walk away however, I double back to see my name handwritten on one of the envelopes. What the heck? I never get mail. Who would be writing to me? It's usually only Kira and Nicol who receive mail. Hylas gets letters every now and then, from who I'm not sure, but he keeps to himself about it. I stare at the envelope; it has my student number as well as our address typed on it, and my name is hand written across typed script. Most likely someone from the main office just wrote it so that I would see it. I glance at the return address; there is no name, only the address of the PLANTs supreme council office.

Father.

I pick up my laptop and return to the common room. I sit back in the chair, and open my laptop to shield the letter from the view of anyone entering the room. Only then do I realize that there's no one else around to see. I stare at the front of the envelope again; it doesn't surprise me that my father didn't address me by name, but even though it's expected, it still hurts. I read the address over and over. I don't know if I really want to open it. My father wouldn't write to me just to check up on me or to say hello. He wouldn't write unless it was important.

I can tell by the weight and awkward balance of the envelope that there is something other than a piece of paper contained inside. Finally, I successfully tear it open with my teeth and dump it on my keyboard in front of me. The contents: a folded piece of paper and a silver key. I pick up the piece of paper and struggle to unfold it. My right hand is utterly useless as I can still hardly move my fingers. The letter is short, handwritten, and rushed looking. It isn't addressed to anyone.

'_We need to meet. There are some things that must be discussed. I will arrive at the  
facility Saturday morning. I will explain then.'_

The letter is signed at the bottom with the unmistakable signature of my father, Patrick Zala. Although this wasn't unexpected, I am disappointed. The letter is brief, and it doesn't once address me by name or even use the word 'you.' What does surprise me is that it's handwritten. Perhaps he didn't want the letter to be on record? Or maybe it just was very rushed. He knows I won't run around telling people he's coming; maybe he doesn't want anyone to know he's planning to visit.

As I read the letter over and over I feel a longing for family, even if it _is_ only my father. Growing up, he wasn't around all that often. I understood that he was busy, but even the times we did spend together felt distant. My father never showed much emotion other than anger. Now that I think of it, I can't think of a time that he ever said 'I love you.' I can feel my eyes burning; why am I thinking about this right now? Although my father was distant, my mother was generally nurturing. As a child, I felt embarrassed when she showed affection, especially around my friends; but now I miss it more than anything. I pull my right arm close and hug myself with my left. I try to distract myself from the thoughts by picking up the key and looking at it closely. It looks new, unscratched and unworn. It can't simply be for my house? I'm curious. I desperately hope that this visit with my father will be positive, but my mind instinctively tells me to prepare for the worst.

I fold the letter and replace it and the key in the envelope. I can't get my mind off of it now. It's unlike my father to go out of his way to talk to me. With his busy schedule, how does he have time to make a trip out here? It must be important; otherwise he would have just put it in a letter. I shiver slightly.

In attempt to get my mind off of its present thoughts, I open a word document on my laptop and attempt to start my essay. I awkwardly type the title at the top of the page, 'Why I chose to become a ZAFT Soldier.' I center and underline it.

After about half an hour of staring at the blank word document, I attempt to fill in the first line. I type and delete several different options until finally I slam the computer shut out of frustration. I stretch out my legs and then stand up to get an ice pack from the freezer. I have no idea how to start it. I really have no clue how to even put what I'm feeling into words. I unwrap the bandages from my arm and wrap the icepack around it.

As I'm about to open my laptop for a second attempt, Nicol enters the common room. Thankful to be relieved of my boredom and loneliness, I close the computer and place it on the table beside me. Nicol is covered from head to toe in mud, and I suddenly feel particularly comfortable in my dry sweatpants and t-shirt. He collapses onto the couch, covering it in dirt. I laugh a little. He sits up only to take off his gloves and jacket, he then lets out a loud sigh and lays back down. There's a bloody gash in his left bicep, but I don't think he's noticed yet.

"So, how'd it go?" I ask, folding my legs underneath me in the chair.

"Ugh, it was pretty brutal. Everything you could imagine that they would throw at you, they throw at you," Nicol says, finally realizing his arm is bleeding. He stands up and goes to the sink. I laugh quietly as he shoves his entire arm under the tap to wash out the wound. He blots it dry with a paper towel before melodramatically falling face first into the couch again.

"Sounds like it should be fun," I say, still laughing a bit. I'm starting to worry about it a bit. I have to do it before next Friday, and even then I won't be 100%.

"It's not like it's not do-able it's just very physically demanding, and in order to get a good time, your stamina has to be outstanding." Nicol explains, "I think you'll be fine."

Nicol, like me, is in top physical condition, and it worries me to hear that he had such a seemingly difficult time with it.

Every 15-20 minutes, another student stumbles into or past the common room covered in dirt. Hylas returned slightly out of alphabetical order. He had twisted his ankle shortly after the beginning of the test, and he's currently limping around the room attempting to 'walk it off.'

Poor guy, he tries so hard and he's so determined, yet he always seems to fail one way or another. Even in martial arts, Dearka ruthlessly beats him time after time, never giving him a chance. It just seems like he's lacking something that everyone else has. I find it horrendously difficult to watch him struggle so much. He's become like the little brother that I look out for. While Kira and Nicol both have homes to return to, neither Hylas nor I have much for family. We kind of have a mutual bond in that way. Kira and I have always been like that, but Kira can take care of himself; Hylas needs someone to look out for him. It makes me feel as though I'm worth a something. It's not really a regular feeling for me.

"Dude, sit down. You need to rest it or you're only going to make it worse," I say, almost violently throwing my ice pack at him with my left hand. He catches it and gives me a slightly troubled look before starting to giggle. Reluctantly, he sits down and puts the ice on his ankle. He just seems so miserable; his spirits are so low.

"I can't believe I didn't even finish it. I was even doing alright," Hylas says as he adjusts his foot on a pillow before leaning back against the arm of the couch.

"I'm sure they'll take that into account when they're grading you, or maybe they'll let you rewrite it with me next week," I offer, stretching out my legs and letting out a loud sigh.

"Really, you think?" He asks. His eyes light up at the prospect of redoing it.

"I don't see why not," I say, forcing my voice to sound more confident in my words than I really am. I attempt to bend my wrist before rewrapping it. No dice; still hurts.

"How is it?" Hylas asks as he watches me wrap the bandage around my arm.

"It's ok," I say. He seems to be in a better mood now that he thinks he might be able to redo the test. He's more his usual, upbeat self.

More people return to the common room, each one more exhausted than the last. It's nice to be surrounded by people again, but as quickly as they had appeared they disappear again; off to their next class. Even Hylas hasn't been excused from martial arts.

I can no longer stand the empty common room, and I wander down to the library hoping to find some kind of inspiration to start my assignment. Unfortunately however, it doesn't seem to happen for me.

********************************

"Oh man I'm full. I can't believe they served pizza at the cafeteria! And Nicol and Hylas missed it!" Kira exclaims, pulling the door of the dorm open.

"Yeah that was a little unexpected." I mumble, wandering over to my corner of the room and climbing up onto the bed.

"Hey you two, where were you at dinner? They served pi – Nicol why are you all dressed up?" Kira asks, noticing Nicol standing beneath his bunk pulling a dress shirt over his t-shirt.

"Um, no reason," Nicol says timidly, his face turning red.

"Nicol has a date with Meyrin!" Hylas exclaims from atop his own bunk.

"Hahahah!" Kira laughs, "Where you taking her? The snack bar?"

I try to keep my laughter to myself.

"Actually that's exactly where we're going, got a problem with that?" Nicol sneers.

Kira laughs.

"Where else am I going to take her? At least I can pay for her at the snack bar."

Kira continues to laugh. Hylas snickers from his bed and hides his head in his text book. I try to contain my own laughter.

"Come on you guys! Stop laughing. I need help! What do I say to her?"

"Are you serious? Have you never been on a date with a girl before?" Kira asks.

"If I admit I haven't will you help me?" Nicol asks in an annoyed but desperate tone.

"Well you just admitted it so no. I'm joking. Well my first bit of advice is not to take advice from Athrun." Kira laughs hysterically.

Nicol and Hylas are silent.

"Thank you," Nicol says sarcastically, "you've just solved all my problems."

"Ok ok, seriously," Kira says, his laughter finally residing, only to have it build up as he bursts out laughing again.

"That's it! I'm leaving," Nicol says, heading for the door.

"Ok ok I'm done. I promise!" Kira says, forcing back his laughter. Even I think this is mean, and he picks on me like that all the time. "Ok, first. You need to un-tuck that shirt… you look like a teacher," Kira says, pulling on Nicol's shirt.

"Ok, quit it!" Nicol yells, pushing Kira away and un-tucking his own shirt. "Now I look like a slob," he protests.

"Do you want my advice or not?"

"Fine fine." Nicol admits, hanging his head. "What else?"

Hylas jumps off his bed and digs in his drawer. Pulling out a bag of popcorn, he laughs and climbs up onto my bed, making it appear as if they have an audience. I laugh and grab a handful of popcorn.

"Seriously you guys?" Nicol says in disbelief, staring up at us. Hylas and I both laugh.

"Continue," Hylas says, shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

"Just ignore them. It's not like either of them have ever had a date," Kira laughs.

Hylas and I are silent. I suppose it's true. Every time I get near a girl I manage to make a fool of myself.

"Whatever," Nicol says, focusing his attention back to Kira. "So what do I say to her?"

"Tell her she's pretty and you like her hair. I don't know, just be yourself. You're a social guy!" Kira says encouragingly.

"Uh… ok. What else?"

"I dunno, be a gentleman. Open doors and ca –"

I cut Kira off, "And what would you know about being a gentleman, Kira?" I tease.

"Just because I'm not polite to you doesn't mean I'm incapable of it," Kira retorts. He turns his attention back to Nicol, "Now as I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted; open doors for her and pull out the chair of her to sit down. You know, right?"

"Uh, sure"

"Oh and when she's looking at you, don't let your eyes… wander. Make sure you look at her face. Now when she turns away, then it's a _whole_ different ball game."

"Oh SHUT UP Kira!" Nicol yells. "Look I have to go. Any final words? From anyone?" He looks up at us.

"Yeah," Kira says, "Don't forget to breathe. Your face is a shade of red I've never even seen before."

"Ok, thanks." He turns to head out the door.

"WAIT!" Kira says loudly. Nicol looks back at him. "Brush your teeth."

"Right."

"Come on Athrun, we're going to play video games," Kira insists.

"What? Why? I still can't hold a controller," I protest, holding my arm out.

Kira shoots me a rage filled look, "come on," he says quietly.

"Fine," I mumble, climbing off the bed. "Thanks for the popcorn, Hylas."

"Yeah no prob."

"Give me somma that!" Kira says, grabbing a handful from the bag.

We head down ahead of Nicol and sit down making ourselves look busy.

"Don't get too comfortable," Kira says quietly just as Meyrin enters the room. She's wearing a white low cut tank top that screams for attention as well as a pair of jeans and an unbuttoned pink cardigan. She looks as nervous as Nicol. Her face turns red as she looks at me.

Nicol walks into the room only seconds after Meyrin sits down on the edge of the couch. His face is beet red as he sees her. "I'm sorry, did you wait long?" He says hesitantly.

"No, I just got here." She says quietly.

"Oh. Well you look pretty. I like your hair," Nicol says nervously.

"Oh, thanks," Meyrin says strangely.

"Should we go?" Nicol offers her his hand.

"Sure," she says, lightly taking his hand.

As they leave the room, Kira plants his forehead into his palm, "I can't believe he actually said that! I was joking! And her hair looks the same as it always does!"

"Why did you tell him that then? You knew he was nervous."

"I think he knew I was joking! Come on let's go," Kira says standing up.

"Go where?"

"Uh to follow them obviously."

"What? I'm not following him on his date! Besides, I was gonna go to the fitness center."

"Are you kidding! We're going to the snack bar!" Kira grabs my shoulder to drag me out the door.

"No way, I'm going to the fitness center," I say, pulling away from him.

"Sorry to interrupt," we both turn to see Mu standing against the wall, "but Athrun, I don't think you're in fit shape for the fitness center. You should go with Kira."

"Are you kidding? You're in on this too?"

"In on what?" Mu says, grinning at Kira and walking away.

I reluctantly follow Kira down to the snack bar. "So what's your excuse if he sees us?" I ask Kira as we cautiously walk down the stairs.

"I'll figure that out when the time comes," Kira mumbles as though he knows were going to get caught. "Look, there they are," he points over to where Nicol and Meyrin stand at the snack bar ordering. "Come on."

I follow Kira to the corner of the wall and we crouch behind a couple of fake trees so we can just see them. I can't hear what they're saying, but I watch as Nicol hands the cashier his card and then they proceed to the table. As Kira told him, he pulls out the chair for her and then sits opposite to her, placing the tray between them.

"Nice!" Kira quietly cheers as he watches.

"I can't believe I let you drag me into this," I whisper quietly to Kira.

"I didn't drag you, you came of your own free will," Kira insists.

"I did not!"

"Shh! They'll hear you."

"AHH!" Kira and I quickly look over to them as we hear a girl's scream. It looks as though Nicol dumped his water on her. He's on his feet apologizing and wiping the water off her lap. Kira again slaps the palm of his hand against his forehead.

I cringe silently and continue watching. She doesn't seem overly upset, but her laugh also doesn't sound all that convincing. Kira is giggling quietly now.

"Dude, be quiet" I say smacking him in the back of the head.

"Ow, quit it!"

"Shh! They're going to hear you."

"Hi you guys, what are you doing down here?" We both look up to see Meyrin standing over us, Nicol walking up behind her.

"Oh, hey Meyrin. What are we doing down here? We were just going to the drug store. Athrun was looking for birth control. He just fell into the plant and here we are," he says, sounding not at all convincing.

Now it's my turn to slap my forehead with the palm of my hand. "Let's go Kira," I say, dragging him by the arm back in the direction of the common room. Nicol and Meyrin simply stare after us.

"Birth control?" I ask in disbelief "Really?" as Kira and I slowly walk up the stairs back to the C wing.

"I blanked, ok? I'm sorry," Kira says seriously.

I burst out laughing.

******************************

"I can't – believe – you – guys – tried – to spy – on –us!" Nicol says, lying flat on his stomach and smacking his face into his pillow between each word. Kira, Hylas and I are sitting on the floor in the middle of the room playing cards and drinking hot chocolate as we listen to Nicol whine. The academy is unusually cold tonight since it snowed for the first time today just after they came in from the fitness test. Lucky me, I'm probably going to have to complete it in the snow.

"And I can't believe I spilled my drink on her! She's never going to want to speak to me again!"He says dramatically, burying his face in his pillow and letting out a muffled but clearly frustrated yell.

"Dude relax, she didn't seem all that pissed off," Kira comments, throwing a card to the floor.

"And how would you know? Oh that's right, you were spying on me! I still can't believe you guys. This has been the worst day of my life!"

"Aren't you being a little overdramatic?" Hylas asks.

"No, actually, I'm not. I just blew the most important, not to mention my first date completely!"

"Ooook, time to stop brooding. Come play cards with us," Kira says.

"No thank you," Nicol says, evidently turning to face the wall.

Kira grins at me and Hylas. We get the idea. Kira climbs up onto his bunk as Hylas and I pull his blanket and pillow down. "Let's go," Kira yells as he attempts to drag Nicol down the ladder.

"OK OK FINE! LET GO OF ME!" Kira is successful and Nicol comes down from his bed and sits on the floor with us. Hylas hands him a mug of hot chocolate and I pick up the cards to re-deal.

"So next Friday, is it true that we have to dress up?" Hylas asks, throwing his cards into the middle of the game, "I fold."

"Semi-formal my friend!" Kira laughs, jokingly punching Hylas in the arm. "Hit me."

I throw another card in his direction. "Wait, what's going on next Friday?" I ask. It's only been one day and apparently I'm already out of the loop.

"Next Friday is the end of term. They were telling us about it before the fitness test. I think it was their way of trying to relieve pressure." Nicol says, "Hit me." He's evidently calmed down a bit now.

I toss a card to Nicol at my right. "And we have to dress up?" I ask, slightly confused.

"There's a ceremony followed by a banquet and a dance. It's apparently a big even for all the new recruits," Kira says, not looking up from his cards. "Hit me."

I give him another card.

"As long as they see fit, we're all going to graduate from the first level of training. We'll all be qualified ZAFT Greens!" Hylas says excitedly.

"Hit me," Kira says.

I mindlessly throw him another card, smiling at Hylas.

"There's something else though," Nicol says in a more serious tone, "they're going to announce the applicants for the Van Aderkas team. They're choosing 15 students from all of those who applied. You applied right, Athrun?" Nicol asks.

"No, not yet," I say, looking away slightly ashamed.

"Hit me." Kira says.

"What?!" Hylas and Nicol almost shout in unison.

"Why? Your chances are so good! You're at the top of our class in everything!" Nicol says.

"Kira, you applied right?" Hylas asks.

"Yeah I did. Hit me," he says, his mind still on the game.

"Dude you have like nine cards, you're only allowed five. How do you not have 21 yet?" I ask, noticing the pile of cards in front of him.

"Hell, I'll hit you!" Nicol says punching him hard in the arm, probably releasing his anger from earlier.

"Ow! Cuz you keep giving me two's and three's! And why do I have a joker?!" Kira protests, throwing his cards into the middle of the game spot. "I quit. This game sucks!" He says in frustration, rubbing his arm where Nicol hit him.

We all laugh, and I throw the deck of cards into the middle. I still can't figure out why they made me dealer. Nicol cleans up the pile, and stands up to get more hot chocolate.

"Anyone want more?" He asks.

"Yes please!" Kira whines.

"They're sending us home for the weekend too," Hylas says; his knees pulled close to his chest. He looks uncomfortable. We all know that Hylas's parents were killed when he was a child. He had lived in foster care until he was old enough to come here. He doesn't talk about it much, but from what I can tell, he hasn't had a very decent childhood. I also know that he has nowhere to go for the weekend. I feel that it's my responsibility to take him home with me for the weekend, but I don't know if the circumstances will allow it right now. I have that meeting with my father, and I have no idea what that key is about so I don't feel like I can offer right now. It's not mandatory to leave for the weekend, he could stay, but I'd rather not leave him here alone. I can feel Kira's eyes on me now. I haven't told him about the letter from my father yet.

"Hylas you can come stay with me for the weekend?" Kira offers, obviously seeing my expression. He gives me the look saying that I'm invited as well.

"I have an appointment with my father tomorrow," I say. I don't know why I said it; it's not like me at all to share personal things like this with others. "I got a letter from him today," I say. I leave the part out about the key. I still have no idea why I'm saying this. I guess I just feel close enough to them to share. Regardless of why, it feels good to share. They all know enough about my familial situation to appropriately assess the situation.

Kira looks at me like I just openly admitted to being gay or something. I know; it's not like me at all to share things like this. I just laugh at him.


	7. Chapter 7: A Father's Guidance

Sleeping in is definitely a luxury I've greatly missed. The opportunity arises on some Saturdays depending on my workload, but usually I don't get the chance. Unfortunately I feel that today should be no exception. On the other hand, I can't quite remember why. That being the case, I stare lazily up at the ceiling until my vision comes into focus. It isn't until my eyes lock onto the time displayed on the ceiling that I realize why I shouldn't be sleeping in.

"Crap!" I yell as loudly as my drowsy voice will allow. We stayed up late last night, trying to find a card game that _didn't_ cause Kira to throw his cards across the room, and talking into the overdue hours of the night. I think we ended up playing go fish at like 2:30.

"Huh?" Hylas questions from atop his bunk, looking up from his textbook.

"It's 11:30! I'm supposed to meet my father in half an hour!" I yell, causing Kira and Nicol to both stir groggily in their beds. I nearly fall off my bed in a quick attempt to jump down and climb almost instantly into the shower. I'm not even slightly awake until I'm out.

When I get out, Kira and Hylas are both sitting up on their beds; they seem to be amused by my anxiety and unfortunately I don't have the time or the energy to waste on fighting back. I hastily pull on a pair of black dress pants and long sleeved white dress shirt. I hate dressing up. I hurry into the bathroom to comb my hair – something I rarely do – and brush my teeth. Upon reentering the room I pull a think black tie around my neck but have little success tying it with only my left hand.

Kira laughs as he watches me struggle with my next to useless right hand, and he jumps down from his bunk to help.

"Shut up, Kira," I say in an annoyed tone. I tilt my head awkwardly to the side as he skillfully ties the tie for me.

"Ok dear, now you have a good day at school. Be sure to play nice with the other kids, and remember what I told you about taking your pants off in public," Kira says, doing his best to portray a mother, or possibly an old woman.

Hylas is laughing loudly now and Kira continues to giggle in my face. I have to make the extra effort to contain my own laughter as well. It's not as if they don't know that this is a serious affair, but I can't mentally allow myself to make it into something funny. Once Kira clears off I pull my ZAFT jacket out of my locker and throw it over my left shoulder before heading for the door. My roommates wish me luck and I head down to the main office. On my way down I button my sleeve around my right hand, pull my jacket on and bury my hand in my pocket. It would be better if my father didn't see it.

"Um, I have an appointment with Chairman Zala," I say nervously to the secretary. Without a word, she leads me to an unnecessarily large room and closes the door behind me. My father sits a desk furiously typing away on his laptop. I know he heard me come in, but he had yet to acknowledge my presence.

I clear my throat timidly, "Father?"

He stops typing, and slowly looks up from his work. "Excuse me?" he says in a bitter tone, making it clear that he does not wish to be addressed by the given title. I should have known better.

"Uh, pardon me, Chairman Zala," I salute awkwardly with my left hand, my right still hidden in my pocket. Fortunately my father isn't paying enough attention to notice.

"I don't have a lot of time, and there are several things we must discuss," he begins, still barely acknowledging me, not to mention acknowledging me as his son. He continues to type at his computer, not asking me to sit down or anything. He simply continues.

"You're probably wondering about the key I sent you," he beings. I run my finger gently over the grooves of the silver key in my right pocket. "I have made the decision to sell the house. Since neither of us resides there anymore, it has become a waste of space and money."

I feel my heart skip a beat. Is he serious?

"I do however recognize that you will need a place to return during holidays. That is why I had an officer find you a residence in the city just outside the academy. I have not seen it myself, but all your belongings have been moved there, and your permanent address has also been altered."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. He sold the house, just like that? And now I am to live on my own? I really don't think he cares that I have a place to live, but it would make him look bad if I didn't leave the academy during holidays and whatnot. That and he apparently doesn't want to be bothered by my presence at his new residence. I can feel my face turning white. I can barely comprehend what he has just said when he begins to speak again.

"Now, as for your progress…"

Crap. I knew this was coming.

"I have not yet looked into your personal file, but you've been made aware of the Van Aderkas team, correct? And you've applied?" he asks, looking me directly in the eye for the first time.

"What?" I begin. Everything is happening so fast. "No, I haven't yet decided if I will," I say, quickly realizing this is probably the wrong answer. I'm afraid of what he will say next. I brace myself and await his response.

"What!? You haven't decided?" My father booms, "You _will_ be applying, and you _will_ put forth your greatest efforts as well as any other necessary factors in order to obtain the position!" I have succeeded in attaining his full attention now. "Is that clear?" he asks me in a forceful tone.

I have no other choice, "Yes, sir," I mumble, hanging my head. I know he will look into my application status. I also know that if that is the case, there's a good chance I will get the position whether I deserve it or not. There are no other options now.

"I will not have you disgracing our name and make me look like a fool in front of my colleagues. Now what is this I hear about you and your routine arguments with several students? And it has been reported that a number of scenes have been created by you alone. Who do you think you are? How do you think this makes me look?" His voice grows progressively louder and more heated.

I can feel myself fuming now, "Where are you getting this from? What are you talking about?"

"Ezalia Joule and Tad Elsman seem to have a new story for me every day! I heard that you even put a boy in the hospital on your first day of class!" My father is on his feet now. I see how it is, someone has said something to him and he's humiliated. This has nothing to do with my training or our name; he's simply embarrassed. Either Joule or Elsman was most likely the person who had us put in the same group in the first place, probably for this very reason.

"That is brutally over exaggerated," I say in a rather composed tone. "You have no idea what you're talking about!" I think of Shinn and the root of our unwavering quarrels.

"I don't care about you're reasoning. I will not have you making a fool of yourself and of me by extension. This kind of talk in my meeting room is what leads to a weak government!" He's standing directly in front of me now. That's all it is, he's a coward. He can't handle being teased by his coworkers. "Who is this boy that you continue to engage in disagreements with?" he demands.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can feel my shoulders tremble with rage. "His name is Shinn Asuka," I yell, "and he has a problem with me because you had his parents deported to Junius Seven right before it was blown up!"

He grabs me by the collar of my jacket, and my rage instantly turns to fear. He has never laid hands on me like this before. "You are talking about something that you don't understand even the slightest bit. Don't you _dare_ place the blame for your _disgusting_ behavior on me!" He booms, jerking my jacket. I wince slightly. He gets closer to my face, "and if they were naturals," he whispers, "then all the better!"

I open my mouth to protest, but his fist meets my face and next I know; I'm falling to the floor. I am unable to catch myself with my bad hand, and my shoulder hits the ground hard; my hand is now in plain sight. He catches sight of it, and utters the word "pathetic" under his breath. I can feel my lip bleeding, and my cheek stings from where I was struck.

"If you don't pull yourself together, Athrun, you _will_ suffer the consequences!"

The words cut through me like knives. I choke back tears; tears of anguish, hate, despair, and misery.

"You are dismissed," he says, turning away from me, his hands clasped behind his back.

That's the end. That instant that he turned away from me denotes his turning away from me forever; as his subject, his family, and his son. I have nothing.

I hold back all but a slight cry of pain as I painfully pull myself to my feet and exit the room as quickly as I can. I know my eyes display my pain, and I do my best to conceal myself before I happen upon anyone. It's too much to comprehend. I stumble into a handicapped washroom, and lock the door behind me.

I look at myself in the mirror as tears flow freely down my face. I don't know why I ever hoped things would change between us, because in the end it only caused me more pain. I don't think I'll ever see my father again except for business reasons. The house is gone; the house that I grew up in, my childhood memories, as well as my last connection to my mother. My last connection to family. My father has been hostile to me in the past, but never like this, and never violent.

I look at my swollen lip in the mirror and I continue to sob. I pull the key out of my pocket, and stare at it through blurred vision. It wasn't even my father who found the place for me; but maybe that's a good thing. I sink to the floor, pull my legs close to my chest, and cry into my knees. After several minutes, I pull a paper towel from the dispenser above my head and wipe the blood from my lip.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. I panic, what do I do? But the knock is then followed by a familiar voice. "Athrun? Are you in there?" It's Kira.

Somehow, he always knows.

I open the door cautiously, still sitting on the ground. Kira looks down at me, slightly shocked, but then his worried look turns to a soft smile. "You look like a drug addict, man," he jokes. He closes the door behind him, and drops down to lean against the wall beside me.

"So it didn't go so well," He says, handing me a wad off tissues. It seems he knew what the outcome would be.

I take the tissues and wipe the tears and blood from my face, "the house is gone," I say, my voice trembling.

"Did he actually hit you?" Kira asks blatantly.

"Well I didn't do this to myself," I say, turning my face so that he can see my discolored cheek.

"What kind of person does that?" Kira asks, obviously appalled. He usually does a better job of hiding his true emotions, but at the moment, his feelings are raw and unedited.

I explain the rest of meeting to Kira.

"Ok, so you have your own place, let's go check it out tomorrow, how bad can it be? I mean your dad didn't pick it!" Kira says, attempting to lighten the mood.

I agree, and slowly stand up to splash water on my face. I look closely at my left cheek, how am I going to explain this? I can't even begin to brainstorm excuses at the moment. My head is throbbing but I doubt that it's from the hit I received

"We were sparring and I kicked your ass," Kira says, elbowing me in the ribs. I suppose this is his story to explain my injuries. I guess it's better than the truth. Honestly, I'd rather believe Kira's version of the story. We leave the room.

As we slowly make our way back to the staircase, someone grabs my left hand and pulls me into yet another washroom! Kira too has been captured. Startled, we look up to see a pretty dark haired girl with pale skin. She smiles down at us.

Lacus

"Lacus – ugh, what the hell?" Kira asks, standing up from the ground to which he'd been thrown to.

"Shh," Lacus says, softly pressing her slim index finger to her lips, "You know you can't call me that here, not even in private," she says, helping me to my feet. "I suppose it didn't go so well?" She asks, brushing my hair out of my eyes with the backs of her fingertips and then taking a sip from the drink held in her left hand. If it were any girl other than Lacus, my stomach would be doing back flips right now. But I know her far too well, well enough to know that she's going to see right through the cover up I'm about to attempt.

"Suppose what didn't go well?" I ask awkwardly. Kira hits the palm of his hand against his forehead. I quickly shoot him a sour look.

"The meeting with your father. I came to try to talk to you about it before we were surrounded by people again. What happened?" She seems a little too sure of what she's talking about. She takes an ice cube from her fountain drink and wraps it in a paper towel before holding it to my mouth. I take hold of it and press it into my inflamed, bleeding lip.

"But how did you know?" I ask dumbly.

"My father told me. He said that your father has been pacing around the office like a lunatic lately, and that he's been planning a visit to the academy. He warned me that things could go unfavorably…" she trails off.

"I don't suppose you could have told me that before?" I say bitterly; my speech is slightly impaired by the ice cube held to my lip. I immediately regret using this tone. It's not her fault; I shouldn't take my anger out on her.

"I only just found out this morning, and I figured you already knew," she says, completely overlooking my harsh attitude. I know it couldn't have been prevented, even if I knew how angry he was. I'm unable to keep my cool in situations like that. I pull Lacus into a hug, "Thanks, Monica." It still feels awkward to call her that.

She lets go of me and digs in her purse, pulling out a small beige bottle and a compact make up mirror.

"Noooo way!" I protest, seeing what she has planned.

"Relax, I'm just going to cover up the bruise," She says, ignoring my complaints. I pull away as she attempts to blot a finger's worth of liquid make up onto my cheek. "Do you want to explain that bruise to everyone? Come here," She says, backing me into a corner and gently rubbing the makeup into my skin. "Now does this bring back memories?" She says, standing on her tip toes, slightly giggling.

"Ow, yes."

"NO! We don't speak of that anymore," Kira says, leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. Monica giggles. About a year ago she had begged us to allow her to put make up on us. Tired of listening to her plead; we finally gave in under the condition that she was never allowed to speak of it again.

"Hey, I think you two looked very pretty that day!" She says in a sophisticated tone followed by her usual giggle. Kira looks at me and laughs as she rubs a small powder brush into my cheek.

"Shut up, Kira," I say, smiling a little.

"So, what really did happen, Athrun?" She asks, sounding a little more serious.

I don't really don't feel like reliving it again, but I suppose I owe it to her to tell her. I give her a brief run down. When she's finished, I look in the mirror and am amazed. It looks like there never was a bruise, and you can't even tell there's makeup there.

"Here," she says, handing me the compact, "keep it until it goes away," she smiles. It's a good thing my skin is just as pale as hers.

"Thanks, La – Monica," I say.

We leave the room and proceed to the cafeteria.

That evening, Kira helps me fill out an application for the Van Aderkas team. Although minimum effort is put forth, we both know that it won't matter. If my father has any influence over the decision, much to my regret I'll be selected.

***********************

It's around 10:30 when I finally open my eyes and gaze upon the ceiling clock. Although I can rest easier this morning, my anxiety hasn't completely evaporated. Today is the day I meet face to face with my new living quarters. Whether I like it or not, it is to be my home until I find my way into something else.

I sit up to find Hylas yet again awake with a textbook in hand. He smiles at me before whispering good morning and resuming his glance to his book. I quickly realize Kira and Nicol are both still asleep. I lay back down into my pillow and stare up at the ceiling, arms planted comfortably behind my head.

The initial shock from yesterday has worn off, but I can't help but feel a lingering depression hanging above my head. I guess it's only normal considering the severity of the encounter. I bite my bottom lip and taste blood from where it was split. I still can't believe he hit me. What was once harmless – at least in my eyes – neglect has now become physical abuse. I guess I should have foreseen it now that my mother isn't around to stand up for me. I know she would be appalled had she known.

I mentally kick myself. I need to stop thinking thing like that. She isn't around anymore and she won't ever know. I need to get past this. I violently shake my head and climb down from my bed and into the shower.

We depart from the academy around midday and are dropped off in our usual location; in front of the mall. Kira, Monica and I wander for a little while with Dearka and Miriallia, occasionally stopping to ask for directions to our main destination. Once we're confident that we know where we're going, we discreetly part from the other two.

"Mir, I'm just gonna go to the video games store with Kira and Athrun," Monica lies.

"Ok," Miriallia giggles, hardly noticing as she's far too preoccupied with Dearka. He's actually taken quite a liking to Miriallia lately; perhaps that's the reason he's seemed a little more social – not to mention human – than usual.

From the information we've obtained from random strangers, we've concluded that the building we're looking for is only about half a block from the south entrance of the mall. Lucky me, I live right next to a mall; namely this mall. That would be any girl's dream. Unfortunately I can't think of any positives about living on my own right now. Hopefully it's just my nerves.

As we approach the building, I'm absolutely shocked to see how fancy it is. It looks like one of those apartments that your rich grandmother would live in and never leave. We enter the building and ascend in the elevator to find that my floor -the twenty seventh floor- is the top floor of the building. I won't deny that I'm almost excited. I push the silver key into the door reading the numbers '2709' and hope to God that I'm in the right place.

Sure enough, the lock clicks. The door slowly opens as if it was one of those doors in a fairy tale leading the characters into a magical world. It may not be magic, but the view displayed in front of me is nothing short of amazing. I quickly realize that whoever selected this place for me was either looking or a pay raise or knows my father personally and has taken pity on me.

The room has an instantly warm aura saturated in its caramel beige carpets and soft brown walls – not to mention the vaulted ceilings. The first thought that comes to mind is entering a ski lodge after being out in the blistering cold for an extended period of time. Kira pushes past me to turn on the lights as I remain rooted to the spot, my jaw hanging to the floor.

"Athrun?" Lacus says, standing beside me and placing a hand around my shoulders.

"Wha? Sorry." I mumble, my eyes still glued to the scene in front of me. Monica gently ushers me forward and I step into the magnificent room that I'm now convinced is a dream.

As if reading my mind, Kira comes up and pinches me in the arm before shutting the door. "It's real. Believe it."

"Get out of my head," I mumble thoughtlessly.

"Kira take your shoes off. You don't want to dirty the carpet," Monica insists. "You too, Athrun." I've hardly even stepped off the wood floor leading to the kitchen portion of the room, but I do as I'm told and slide my shoes off.

"It's like a loft," Kira comments, taking his shoes off and throwing them at the door, almost hitting Monica with them.

"Watch it," Monica complains. "But yeah, you're right."

They _are_ right. The large room holds a large living room type space with welcoming medium brown couches and a black coffee table with a flat screen TV mounted on the wall above it. To the right is a kitchen with stainless steel appliances, a desk fit for an office across from it, and a high set square dinner table with several stools in between the kitchen and office area. It's simply amazing and far more than I could ever ask for. Also present in the room is a sliding glass door leading onto a balcony and a large window covering almost its entire wall looking out onto the city and by extension, the water. Near the desk there is a large pile of boxes containing all my belongings. I heave a deep sigh. As much as this place is amazing, it's going to take some getting used to before I can call it home.

"There's a note," Monica says softly, leaning over a piece of paper resting on the kitchen counter top. I finally find my footing and walk to where she stands.

'Athrun,

Your father assigned me the task of finding you a residence of your own, and I figured that since you were forced to leave your father's house, that this might compare. I know things may look grim now, but keep your head up; from what I've heard, you have quite a bit of potential. Although it might not seem so, your father is proud of you.  
By the way, there's another gift for you down in the parking lot. Maybe don't tell your father about that one.  
Any problems - let me know.  
Officer Kita!'

Beside the note there is a set of car keys bearing the BMW logo. My heart almost stops. It's all too much, but nevertheless it's nice to know that someone out there cares. I make a mental note to get in touch with officer Kita and thank him.

"I shotty this room!" Kira calls from the smaller looking of the two bedrooms.

I wander into the room. There are the two beds from my room pressed against opposite walls, as well as a book shelf and two night tables. "Yeah, it's yours," I say casually, leaving the room. I walk over to the master bedroom. There's a gorgeous four post, king sized bed with a golden duvet. To the right, there's a master bathroom. I continue into the bathroom only to stop in awe. The room is almost the same size as our dorm! There's a huge bathtub sunken into the middle of the floor, as well as a stand up shower in the corner of the room.

Kira enters the room, scaring the crap out of me, "Dude this place is crazy! I think you've got a friend linked to the supreme council."

I acknowledge Kira, and then go back into the bedroom to look around. The closet is filled with about half of my own clothing, as well as half new clothing I've never seen before. I have to wonder what kind of budget officer Kita had when setting this place up. Casual, formal, semi formal, everything is there, it's like the closet itself is glowing with pride. I slam the door shut.

Six months ago, when I was living at home and everything was normal, I would have killed for a place like this. Now however, I've grown so used to being around people all the time and the thought of living here alone isn't exactly appealing. I want to ask Kira to move in too, as it would be convenient since it's so close the academy, but I know that Kira has a family that he loves and cherishes. I envy him.

"You know you're welcome here any time," I say to Kira, leaving it at that. I dig in my pocket for the second key to the apartment, and flip it into his reach.

"Wha? Oh, thanks," Kira says, still wandering about. I decide not to press the matter further. I guess I'll just wait and see how it all turns out. I let out a loud sigh before wandering out onto the balcony. The building rises higher than any other in the city giving me almost a panoramic view of the city. I can hear Monica and Kira talking quietly inside. It bothers me a bit to know that they're talking about me. I suppose they're just worried. I cross my arms and lean forward on the railing and try to keep the thoughts swimming in my head equally balanced so that I can't comprehend one of them. I'd really rather not think in detail right now.

"So what do you think?" Kira says as he and Monica stand on either side of me.

"It's nice," I mumble pathetically.

They exchange worried glances.

"Really," I say, looking at Kira, "it's all I could ever want in a house. It just doesn't really feel like home." I guess that wasn't the best thing to say to eliminate their worry. I hang my head and watch as a no longer blood thirsty mosquito flies off my arm.

Perfect.

"It will in time, Athrun," Monica says comfortingly. "Would you really rather be living with your father? I know you had to give up your house, but I think you'll be happier here in the long run. Just give it time."

"Yeah I guess you're right. It's just going to be hard to adjust to living alone."

"You really think you'll get much time alone with a place like this?" Kira laughs. "Wait till Nicol and Hylas see this place. I wouldn't worry too much about being alone."

Although he's joking around, it's reassuring. I like to think it means he'll take care of it. Maybe this whole ordeal won't be so bad after all.

**Woot another chapter posted! I got a little stuck/lazy with the end of it, so I'm sorry if it isn't quite up to par. It's also a little shorter, but I figured the drama would make up for the length.**

**I'd like to let you all know well in advance that in the coming chapters (specifically chapter 9 I believe) I will be changing the rating to Mature. So either subscribe or set your filter to include rated M stories! I'll warn you again in the next part, but just keep it in mind.**

**Anywho, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!!**

**PS. I've been thinking about theme song ideas for this story. I have a few in mind, but if you have any suggestions let me know!!**


	8. Chapter 8: Perfect Situation

**A/N: So sorry this took me so long to update. I've been on vacationing and savoring my last precious days before school starts again. Anyway, here it is! Hope you enjoy.**

Yet another dull start to what is surely to be another dull week. I find myself once again alone in the stale smelling, less than welcoming common room. It's strange since this room is usually so cheerful. Perhaps it's because it's generally filled with cheerful people. It's Monday morning and I'm already at my wits end. I slept in a bit, I did a light workout at the fitness center, I showered, ate breakfast and it's barely 10:00. I'm not allowed to return to classes for another two days because of my lingering wrist injury and it will be a good two hours before I can even think about having company.

I still haven't started the assignment which most people have finished; it's sort of ironic since I've had so much free time to work on it. Unfortunately, I'm at more of a loss than ever. It feels like my life has been permanently altered in the last few months. Up until last week I thought I had finally found my bearings, then that key showed up in the mail and a whole wave of new trials swept me off my feet. I've come to terms with the fact that this place is my only remaining connection with my father. That being said, even if I were to quit, I wouldn't have much to return home to. Even though my situation may be drastically different from last week, I'm still having just as much trouble putting my thoughts to words. I also have the additional problem of deciphering which of my thoughts I wish to share with the evaluators. Unfortunately my name will be bluntly set at the top right hand corner of each page of my essay destroying any hopes I may have had of receiving an unbiased evaluation. Another hitch which has found its way into my mind is the fact that my father may get a hold of my essay. Consequently, I need to be able to portray my personality and my commitment while keeping it formal and detached. Unfortunately, I've never been much of an essay writer.

In a futile attempt at a change of scenery, I find myself sprawled out on the largest sofa rather than my usual recliner. I'm comfortably seated cross-legged with my laptop on my knees and the blank word document staring me sardonically in the face. I glare back at it in an overly cynical matter. I have three days to complete this and I can't believe I haven't started it. Can you say pathetic? I drum my finger nails impatiently on the keyboard as I stare at the uninvitingly bright computer screen whilst wracking my brain for an introduction to my paper.

'_August 29th,__CE 70_, _the Earth Alliance Forces launched a nuclear attack upon Junius Seven killing 243,721 coordinators. One of whom was my mother.'_

I reread my first sentence before pounding my finger down on the backspace key and holding it for an unnecessarily long time. I lean back and sigh loudly. It's too personal that way. Who am I kidding; I don't even know what I'm writing.

I'm suddenly distracted by the sound of footsteps approaching the common room. I glance down at the clock on my computer screen; it's way too early for anyone to be returning. Perhaps Mu sent Kira to check up on me again? I know it's a long shot, but I can hope for company. Just as I'm craning my neck like an idiot, my visitor rounds the corner and I realize it's none other than Lunamaria. I quickly attempt to recompose myself as I watch her walk sluggishly through the door way; her hair is unusually messy; her face is paler than I remember and her eyes are extremely bloodshot. She looks downright exhausted.

"Luna, are you alright?" I ask, immediately regretting my tone as I'm sure she can hear my reaction to her rugged appearance.

"Yeah I'm ok," she says, looking like she might stumble over. "I just feel really sick. The nurse told me to take the rest of the day off," she says, holding her hand to her face to rub her eyes. She allows her body to collapse onto the couch beside me.

Of all the days to sit on the couch…

My heart skips a beat as she pulls her hoodie over her head to expose a low cut, especially revealing black tank top. I can feel myself blush as I do my best to keep my eyes from wandering. Her body is so attractive. It's like she planned all this out.

"Feel my forehead, do I have a fever?" She asks, leaning closer to me. If I tilted my head even a little, I could see straight down her shirt.

Struggling to keep my eyes locked onto her face, I put the back of my left hand to her forehead, "Yeah, you're hot – I mean warm – I…I think you have a fever," I say. My face grows painfully warm as I can feel my cheeks glowing red. Why do I always do things like that? Thankfully, she doesn't seem to notice.

"Damn," she says, laying down and stretching her legs across my lap.

"Do you want a damp face cloth?" I ask, desperate for an excuse to get up. As much as I am attracted to her, any kind of contact with her makes me nervous. She is after all, Shinn's girl friend and he and I still aren't on the best of terms.

"Oh, no it's alright," she says, but I'm already getting up. I can't just move to the chair, I would come off as rude. Hopefully she won't put her legs back on me when I return to the couch. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her sit up to watch me. I return and place the face cloth on her forehead, and I strategically pull a blanket across her body to (a) keep her warm, and (b) shield her body from my view. I hesitantly sit back down in my spot. She rests her head on a pillow, and puts her feet back on my knees. She pulls the blanket close as she deliberately shivers.

Just as I convince myself to deal with her legs on me, she turns around and places her pillow _in_ my lap, and basically cuddles up to me. She rests her hand on my knee.

Um… what does she think she's doing?!

"Uh, are you ok?" I ask, astounded by her actions. Is she _trying_ to lead me on? Whether she realizes it or not, she's definitely doing just that.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going to close my eyes for a bit," she says grinning. I feel powerless as I can feel the testosterone coursing through my veins, among other things. I don't think I've ever been quite so thankful for pillows – especially the one currently resting in my lap.

Without even noticing what I'm doing, I place my right hand on her arm, but I immediately withdraw it.

Oh my God. I HATE feeling like I can't control myself!

She appears to be sleeping, but I'm not 100% sure. I can feel my heart racing as I try to keep from staring at her. She moves her arm to a position which pulls the blanket low enough that I am again granted a view of her breathtaking cleavage. I quickly turn away, and try to distract myself with my laptop which is now placed on the table beside me. I try to think about my assignment, but I have even less luck than before. Despite the nervousness and discomfort I'm currently feeling, there's an additional longing; one that wants this moment to last forever.

If Shinn walked in right now, he would never forgive me. He's still on edge when it comes down to putting his trust me, and he still has a difficult time accepting me as a friend. I feel my stomach turn as a new feeling consumes me: guilt. But it was Luna who laid on me in the first place. Perhaps I'm making a bigger deal of this than I should? I look down at her face, she is very attractive. Is she actually asleep? I feel awkward staring at her so I look at the computer screen while she lies silently in my lap.

"How's your arm doing?" she asks, outright startling me. She reaches across my body and holds my bandaged hand carefully in hers. She examines it extremely delicately as though she's afraid to hurt it. It is no longer splinted, but a tightly wrapped elastic bandage serves to keep it motionless while she clutches it. At present moment, it's the last thing on my mind.

"Uh, it's alright. The swelling is gone now," I say stupidly. I'm having a hard time keeping my composure. I wish she would go back to sleep. As much as I enjoy her company, I'm not exactly desperate for any more opportunities to humiliate myself.

"That's good, do you get to do the fitness test this week?" she asks, still holding my hand more cautiously than necessary.

"Yeah," I say in fairly collected tone, "any time before Friday," I'm not really paying attention to my own words. I wish I could feel her touch through the bandages. I desperately come up with a stupid, yet scheming plan. "It kind of changes colors on me," I say, looking down at my hand in hers, "it was purple last night, but sort of green this morning. You can look if you'd like."

"Really?" she says, her eyes widening. I silently commend myself as she unclips the bandage. She does her best to hold my wrist still as she looks closely at the ugly blue bruise which engulfs the base of my thumb. Although she bends it slightly and I know it should hurt, her touch feels amazing, and I can feel my senses course as I'm greeted by that all too familiar feeling below deck. She's sitting up slightly now, leaning full into the right side of my torso with my arm pulled around her shoulders and my hand in hers. I don't remember ever being in a state of bliss quite like this. She continues to hold onto my hand, slightly massaging my wrist.

All of a sudden, the feeling is gone and I snap back into reality. I am overrun by guilt. This is Shinn's girlfriend, what am I doing? Luna seems to be dozing off again, and I take the opportunity to quickly get up and set her head down on the couch. I grab the bandage off the couch and attempt to sneak away, but she wakes up.

"Where are you going?" she asks, sitting up.

"Oh, uh… I have to go meet someone," I lie, walking away before she can speak.

I can feel my entire body shaking as I hurry to the common room. My fists are tightly clenched at my side and my breath is heavy and uneven. Upon entering the dark room, I slam the door behind me and throw my right fist harshly into the locker. As the expected pain shoots ruthlessly through my wrist, I recoil and fall to the floor in the most severe pain I've ever felt. The loud sob I attempt to suppress escapes a quiet and pathetic whimper.

How could I have let that happen? What was I thinking?

I successfully get to my feet and drag myself onto my bed before falling into my pillow. I release the tension in my jaw and feel the hot tears come into my eyes. Burying my face in the pillow, I scream as loud as I can in frustration. I'm sure the entire C wing probably heard but I don't care.

How could I be so stupid? I just made peace with the one person who poses a threat to my future here at the academy and here I am doing all I can to destroy that harmony. My brain starts to swim to the point where I can't decipher any of my thoughts properly. Then the one thing I know enters my mind. Despite the grueling pain in my right wrist, I feel the urge to hurt myself. I guess it's a good thing that my right hand is in no condition to do so. Maybe it's healthier that way. No. Whether it be the locker or the knife, it's self inflicted pain in order to overcome the emotional hurt. I'm disgusted with myself. For getting to close to Luna, for thinking about hurting myself again, for overreacting and I don't know what else. I feel sick to my stomach.

Finally the pain in my aching wrist begins to successfully override my thoughts; my body relaxes and the tears come and go. I wonder if she's close by. I wonder if she ran after me and heard me punch the locker. Or worse, what if she heard me crying? Trembling once again, I climb down off the bunk and poke my head out the door. Thankfully she's not there. Sighing in relief, I close the door and slide my back down until I hit the floor. I grit my teeth as I hold my right hand in my left in agony. I don't remember it ever hurting this badly. Reluctantly, I take the icepack from the freezer and climb back to my bed.

Will she tell Shinn? Will he hate me again if she does? What was going through her head? In her opinion, was it ok to be laying on me like that? Is she even thinking about it? She definitely didn't hesitate to do it. It almost seemed like she was teasing me. I never would have thought of her as the type to be hostile like that. Maybe there's more to her relationship with Shinn. Maybe there's more to _her_ than I thought.

I'm sort of proud of myself for stopping. I didn't let myself get carried away. It could have been much worse.

********************************

I wander down to the cafeteria to meet up with Kira, Nicol and Hylas for dinner as planned. I haven't seen them all day as I've spent most of my day in the library working on my assignment. At first I was simply hiding, but it turned out I was so desperate to get my mind off the earlier events that the assignment almost started piecing _itself_ together and I'm almost done.

Even though I'm not very hungry, I pick up a plate of lasagna and sit down at the table next to Nicol.

"Hey how's the assignment going?" Kira asks from across the table as he lifts a forkful of food to his mouth.

"Good actually. I'm almost done," I say in a positive tone, blowing on the steaming food on my fork. Kira glances at my hand and immediately notices that I'm favoring my left hand again.

He quickly looks at Hylas beside him, he and Nicol are laughing about something. "It's bugging you again isn't it?" He asks quietly.

"No it's fine. I'm just resting it for the fitness test on Thursday," I lie, knowing that it's pointless to lie to him. He'll figure it out.

Kira leans in closer, "Athrun are you crazy? I saw the dent in your locker!" He hisses.

"What are you, my mother? Lay off!" I blurt out angrily, catching Nicol and Hylas's attention. Before anyone can reply, I get up, dump my full tray of food into the trash can and walk away. I don't know what has gotten into me, I never yell at Kira. I've been so on edge all day.

I can feel their piercing stares as I leave the cafeteria.

Upon entering the C wing I immediately feel guilty again. My temper tends to cause frequent mood swings, but I generally take it out on myself rather than others. I shouldn't have reacted to Kira like that. He's never been anything but kind and supportive to me; I take him for granted. I sniffle quietly and wipe my nose on the back of my sleeve.

I want to apologize to him. I consider going back to the cafeteria but what would they all think if I return so quickly after dramatically storming out like that. People already have too many reasons to judge me.

"Athrun!"

I turn to see Kira running after me. He catches up to me just as I enter the dorm.

"Athrun are you ok? What's going on?" he asks, attempting to catch his breath.

I sigh quietly; I can't tell him the truth. Not this time. "It's nothing, really. Just the same old," I lie.

Kira looks me in the eye, not entirely convinced. Thankfully, he doesn't press the matter. He knows me too well. Usually I come around and tell him the truth eventually, but not this time. The minute I tell him about it, it becomes real. "Is it bad again-your hand?"

"It'll be fine by morning," I say, flexing my fingers and agitating my now ridiculously swollen wrist.

Kira quickly notices the sour look on my face. "You sure you're ok? Do you think you should go back to the infirmary and get it checked out?"

"I'm fine."

"Ok. You're returning to lessons tomorrow, right?" Kira asks, trying to change the subject.

"No, Wednesday," I say, hearing the depressed tone in my own voice.

Kira again looks me straight in the eye. His amethyst eyes display nothing but pure concern. He puts his hand on either of my shoulders, "look, I don't know what's going on, but I'm here for you ok? We all are. Don't let things build up; this isn't a good place to allow that to happen. There's enough pressure on us already. Ok?" He says, shaking my shoulders and grinning at me.

I continue to stare at him in disbelief. Even after I yelled at him in front of everyone, even after I completely shut him out he's still able to treat me like nothing ever happened. I could cut off his leg and he'd still treat me with the same genuine respect and compassion he always has. I feel guilty.

Kira shakes my shoulders again, "OK?" he laughs.

I finally smile back at him. "Thanks Kira."

He grins back at me. "No worries ok?" He punches me lightly in the shoulder. "Let's go to the fitness center; you've been out too long. You're starting to get fat."

*****************************

"Congratulations boys."

"Thank you Officer Tiadello. Good evening."

I wait until we're a safe distance away before speaking again.

"So, what did you think?" Hylas asks excitedly.

"It was ok actually. Nicol made it sound worse than it actually was. What about you?"

"I found the end really difficult. But you're right. Everyone made it sound harder than it was. I'm just glad I finished," Hylas says grinning. "How's your hand?"

"Oh, it's ok," I say, I had completely forgotten. I start ripping the layers of dirty tape from my wrist revealing the clean under layers. I laugh as I realize that Hylas and I are both completely covered from head to toe in mud. Despite our less than attractive appearance, we're both in pretty decent spirits. We both have just completed the dreaded fitness test, and as well as it being a huge weight form our shoulders, we both actually did fairly well. The hardest part of it was deciding how to go about each portion of the test. All in all it wasn't too bad.

"So we get our evaluations tonight hey?" Hylas adds.

"Yeah apparently. I've hardly been in class all week so I don't really have a clue what's going on," I admit.

"I think it's just like a report card. Like we get a grade between one and ten for each course, ten being the highest. It's nerve wracking if you ask me."

"You'll be fine. I just don't really understand their marking scheme. Like are we graded in accordance to everyone else? Or do they just have a standard. Like how do you grade a martial arts class?"

"Either way, you know you'll get top marks in everything," Hylas jokes. I know he's only messing around but I feel bad when he talks like that. Nothing has really changed since we got here. He tries so much harder than anyone and he still doesn't quite live up to everyone else. I've done what I can to help him in everything, but he's still just not there yet.

"You handed in your assignment right?" Hylas asks, obviously trying to change the subject.

"Yeah. I was up half the night on Tuesday but I finished. How about you?"

"I finished before the weekend. It wasn't exactly hard to write. I've been preaching it to myself since the day I enlisted. I can imagine you're in a rougher situation than me though."

I'd honestly be interested in reading his essay, but I wouldn't want to pry. I considered asking if he needed someone to proof read it but in turn he would probably want to read mine. I decided it was best to say out of it. In the end I ended up making something up about how I felt compelled to join the military after my mother died. Not entirely a lie, but not the entire truth either. Oh well, I'm hoping for an average mark. Hopefully it will satisfy the evaluators.

I follow Hylas through the front doors of the building. "I guess we should go meet the others. They should have already given out the evaluation cards," I mumble.

"Athrun, can I ask you something. I know it was done privately, and you don't have to answer, but did you apply to the mobile suit faculty as your major?"

"Uh, yeah I about you?" I ask more casually then I probably should.

I quickly regret asking. He wouldn't have asked if it wasn't a big deal to him. He drops his head, "No. Do you think I should have?"

My mind goes completely blank. "Um…no, do whatever you think you should." I say pathetically. Usually my advice is a little more insightful but at the moment my brain isn't functioning properly.

"Oh, ok," Hylas say, obviously not overly pleased with my response

"Did you want to apply?" I ask, hoping to redeem myself.

"I thought about it; I just don't think I'm ready yet," he says, finally picking up his head to look me in the eye, "is that a bad thing?"

"What? N-no. Hylas, take your time. Give yourself a couple of semesters and see where you're at. There's lots of time; it's not like there's an overload of mobile suit pilots. Do it when you're ready."

"Thanks. I think it's just a little hard living in you and Kira's shadows. Nicol too. You guys all applied right?"

"Um yeah," I say regrettably. I wish I didn't have to tell him that. Thankfully we're nearing the table where the others sit staring at their evaluation cards.

"What?! I only got a six on my firearms evaluation!" Nicol whines as we approach the table.

"Haha! Nice one buddy. Even Hylas did better than you!" Kira teases.

"What? I did?" Hylas asks excitedly.

"Yeah, check it out!" Kira says, handing a sheet of paper to each me and Hylas.

"Hey I beat you too, Kira," Hylas says, his index finger on Kira's card.

"Wha?!" Kira says, his mouth wide open. He looks at Hylas's card. "Dude you got a nine? How did you do that?!"

"Looks like we know what we have to do now," Nicol says with a mischievous grin on his face.

"What?" Kira asks, confused.

"We should _all_ start taking lessons from Athrun."

I look up from my evaluation card, "what?"

"What'd you get for firearms?" Kira demands; it's become a competition for him now.

I look down at the card, I got a ten. I can feel my face blushing.

"Do you have to ask?" Hylas giggles.

Kira quickly rips the piece of paper from my hand before I can tighten my grip on it. "Yep, ten!" he says, waving the paper the air.

"Kira! Give it back!" I chase him around the table as he dances around it laughing hysterically.

"Dude, how do you pull off marks like this?" Nicol says, grabbing the paper from a dancing Kira's hand.

"God Damnit, give it back! And look at Kira's sheet; apart from his crappy aim with a gun, his marks are the same as mine."

"Crappy aim?! You're a crappy aim!" Kira says, laughing victoriously

"Dude that doesn't even make sense."

**Author's note part 2. I dunno about you, but I don't like author's notes at the beginning, I just want to read it so I generally ignore them lol. Anyway, I realize this chapter is shorter than the others, and possibly less eventful? Maybe I'm just comparing it to the later chapters. Anyway, I promise to make it up to you in the next chapter. It's already written and I do believe its the longest yet. I'd also like to add that the next chapter was probably my favorite to write. Lots of drama and fun stuff ;)**

**I would also like to remind all of my lovely readers again that in a few days when I post the next chapter, the rating of this story will be changed to M. You will understand once you read it. This means that you'll have to set your filter to allow mature stories to appear in your searches, or if you look down in the left hand corner of the screen, there's that lovely little favorite button... if you subscribe then you'll be notified when the next chapter is posted.**

**I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter and of the story so far! That button to the right of the favorite/subscribe button you just clicked.... you can click that one too and drop a review!!**

**Thanks for reading!!**


	9. Chapter 9: Hit and Miss

**A/N: As promised, this part was posted fairly quickly. No, I didn't write it in three days, it's been written for a while, I just had to wait this long to post it. As you might have noticed (I hope you did because I've mentioned it several times) the rating of the story changed with the posting of this chapter. So I will warn you, it contains mature content in more than one area.**

**This was by far one of my favorite chapters to write, so I hope you enjoy it! Happy reading!!**

The week goes by unusually quickly, and Friday evening is already upon us. The anticipation levels are high. The ceremony calls for formal attire, so naturally girls are thrilled to dress up, and the guys are less than excited. Everyone's families have been invited and we're allowed to leave for the weekend following the ceremony. I wonder if my father will show up, although I know that if he does it won't be for the reason I hope for. I'm kind of worried, what if he is present and I don't receive a nomination for the Van Aderkas team? Will it be a repeat of last weekend? Will people think it's strange that I don't leave with him tonight? I don't plan to go into the city until tomorrow morning.

I shiver nervously as we're lead into the auditorium full of people and onto the platform at the front of the stage. To my disappointment, our names are announced as we enter the room. As my name is made public, I can hear the room fill with whispers. I try to look forward naturally as I feel hundreds of eyes on me. When I finally look into the crowd, I catch sight of my father in the front row. It seems as though he's the only person in the crowd _not_ staring at me. While most of the crowd is gawking at me, he seems to be anticipating the announcement of the next student.

Once we're all aligned on the platform, the head of the academy rises to the microphone.

"Good evening everyone," he begins as the chatter in the crowd dies down, "I am pleased to introduce to you, our class of cosmic era 70." The crowd claps politely. "The students present in front of you tonight were selected in expectance of great accomplishments and they have not disappointed us thus far. As you have most likely heard, there are some big names in this group," the man chuckles to himself. I can feel myself sweating; I know all eyes are on me once again. "I am pleased to announce that these fine young men and women have completed their basic training, and will now be granted the status of ZAFT Greens. Furthermore, they will continue their general training, but they will also be trained in their specific categories. These included crew training, intelligence training, operational training and mobile suit training." He pauses and allows for applause yet again.

"As you might have heard, there is a highly anticipated elite military team that is to set out on their first mission in the following months. It has been decided that the final member of the Van Aderkas team will be selected from this group of students. Before we announced the applicants, I would like to congratulate the top six students from this group, all of which have earned the status _and_ bragging right of ZAFT Reds. These six have been nominated by their instructors and commanders throughout the training period and have since been monitored by myself as well as many other evaluators of the facility. They have displayed significant levels of courage, determination and leadership. We have seen them pour their hearts and souls into their training, and in doing so, have displayed their untainted commitment to ZAFT. We expect great things from these soldiers. May I have the following six students report to the front stage: Marcus Calladia, Jeffrey Miller, Caden Ouasu, Elaine Seliano, Kira Yamato, and Athrun Zala." The crowd cheers again, and I look into the audience to catch several people whispering with their eyes on me. I can feel the stares of the students burning through me from behind as well.

Is this my father's doing? No. I look down at my father's face; it's the first time he's actually looked at me. The expression displayed on his face is one of undeniable shock. Did I only obtain this position because the officers on top fear my father? I look further into the crowd to find Mu beaming up at me. That's the expression that a father should wear when his son accomplishes something such as this. I feel a bit better knowing that someone out there supports me. It doesn't matter how it happened.

"Let's have another round of applause for our first Reds of the class of CE 70!" he says as they applaud once again. We return to the line. "Might I just add that from here on in, anyone who has achieved the status of a Green can be promoted to a Red with the approval of the committee."

"I will now announce the nominees for the Van Aderkas team."

Among the fifteen nominees are Kira, Shinn, Rey and Myself. Yzak looks as if his head might explode. I keep a triumphant grin to myself as he catches my eye. Despite his mother's position on the supreme council, he has not received any achievements tonight. My father looks almost… proud. He still however, refuses to make eye contact with me.

Once the ceremony is finished, we're escorted into the dining hall where tables are arranged throughout the marvelously decorated hall according to dorm groups. Kira's and Nicol's parents are present at the table, as well as Kira's older sister Cagalli. Kira and I are continuously congratulated by friends as well as a number of people we've never met. Cagalli nearly knocks the two of us over as she essentially attacks us; hugging and congratulating us.

As Kira catches up with his sister, Luna approaches me. She's wearing a green strapless dress that looks absolutely breathtaking on her. I can feel my face blush she hugs me and offers her congratulations. I can't take my eyes off her as she walks back to her table. Sweating, I remove my blazer and place it on the back of my seat. I hate dressing up.

Our table settles down to eat as stories are shared and families and friends are acquainted and reacquainted with one another. If my father is in the building, he's not in the dining hall. I look longingly at the empty seat beside me. I feel awkward sitting alone, especially after everyone saw my father present at the ceremony. I'm actually kind of surprised; usually he'd be here in order to keep his reputation.

I still can't shake off the feeling of being watched.

I glance casually over to Shinn's table. Yzak's and Dearka's parents are present, but the table looks awkward. Shinn is sour because he wasn't named a Red. Up until now, he, Rey, Kira and I had been on level playing ground, but now Kira and I have been boosted onto a much higher pedestal. As much as it's a relief, I know there's a good chance that it will put a dent in my newfound friendship with Shinn.

I sit behind Hylas and across from Cagalli who keeps catching my eye. She's two years older than me, but we've known each other since we were young. It wasn't until she hit about eleven that she grew apart from Kira, Lacus and I. While we remained young and naïve, she began to mature. Like us, she hates the idea of war, but she chooses to turn a blind eye to it. She now involves herself only in what in her opinion should be important to a teenage girl. She became very concerned with her appearance and her image, insisting that if she was seen with 'little kids,' she would be seen as a loser. From then on, she made a point not to associate herself with us in public. Kira on the other hand is still very close with her, and he still thinks the world of her. He's been telling me since we were young that she has a crush on me. I do what I can to be nice to her, but I've lost a lot of respect for her since we were young. Whenever I go to Kira's house she's always rambling about her last drunken excursion or the last party she attended as if she thinks it made her look cool. It upsets me a little since we did grow up together and I know it's not who she really is. She's just mixed up I guess; hopefully she'll grow out of it. For now, she's just my best friend's sister. My best friend's sister who won't stop staring at me…

I watch Kira speak to her; he's so enthralled in what she has to say. Hylas and I both sit in an awkward silence. I notice raised voices coming from Shinn's table. I look up to see Luna standing over him; she looks upset. I can't make out what is being said, but they're definitely arguing. Finally Luna makes one last remark before taking off into a run. As she hurries past me, I see tears in her eyes. I look back at Shinn only to be met with a callous glare from him. I immediately look down at my scarcely touched food.

Luna ran off in the direction of the dorms; I wrack my brain for an excuse to leave the table. "I'm going to see if I can find my father," I say, knowing that this will buy me an indefinite amount of time. It should also cover up the blatant distressed expression on my face. Kira meets me with a worried expression as well.

I stand up to leave the hall, still burdened by the feeling of being watched.

I leave the hall, proceeding quickly to the C wing. I know it's unlikely that anyone will follow as there are still speeches and a dance before the night is through.

I walk briskly through the hall with my heart pounding.

What am I doing?

I have no clue what to say, or even where to find Luna. I'm terrified at the prospect of invading her privacy; and I know I'm not allowed to enter the girls' dorm. Nevertheless, I find myself standing in front of her door. My heart races; I can feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead as I knock on the door.

"Luna, are you there?" I ask timidly. "It's Athrun, um, are you alright?" I have no clue what drove me to do this. There's no reply; maybe she's somewhere else. Just as I'm about to walk away, I hear a soft voice. "Come in."

Before I know it, I'm turning the door knob and closing the door behind me. The room smells of sweet perfume; it's dark except for the hall light flooding in from under the door.

Whatever adrenaline that has provoked me this far instantly evaporates.

Now what? I've never been inside a girls' dorm; do I take my shoes off? Should I speak? Or wander around the room in the dark until I walk into her? Sweat pours down my forehead and I try to keep myself from breathing too loudly.

Finally, I remove my shoes and push them aside. My eyes begin to adjust to the darkness, and I hear a sob that tells me she's in the left corner of the room. It's the same place as my own bed in our dorm.

I work up the nerves to speak as I slowly move in her direction, being careful not to trip on anything. I'm determined not to make a fool of myself. "M-may I come up?" I stutter nervously. She doesn't answer, but I climb up the ladder anyway.

I move closer to her, and her figure becomes more clearly outlined in the darkness. She sits in the corner of her bed with her knees pulled close to her chest.

"Why are you here?" she says, the tone in her voice hints that she's been crying. "You know how Shinn will react if he finds out you were here."

"I'm here because I saw that you were upset, and I thought you might need a friend," I say softly. "And frankly I don't care how Shinn reacts." At the moment, that is indeed the truth. I climb up onto her bed and move closer to her.

"Are you… ok?" I ask, sounding slightly less confident than before.

She lets out a loud cry before allowing herself fall toward me. I catch her in my arms. "I don't know what to do anymore! I can't stand it when he does this!" she cries loudly. I pull her closer and let her cry into my shoulder. She's desperate, and she does need me; even if only because there's no one else right now. Regardless, it gives me a strange sense of strength. She continues to sob loudly, and I move to allow my back to rest against the wall, pulling her into my lap. She clasps my shirt in her hands as he cries into my shoulder. I wrap my arms around her, pulling the blanket from the bed around her body. I don't know what to say to her.

She quiets down, and I wait for her to speak.

Not a word

She pulls her face out of my shoulder and looks directly at me. I can't see her face in the darkness, but I think she can see mine. I can feel her staring into my eyes. "Uh, are you alright?" I ask, feeling my facial expression twist awkwardly.

She looks as though she's going to respond, then it seems as though she's going to bury her head my shoulder again, but then to my utter surprise, I feel her soft lips gently meet mine.

My heart stops, and I quickly pull away.

"Luna! What are you-"

I'm cut off as she pushes me down onto the bed. She holds me down with the light weight of her body and kisses me again. She pulls away gently, and I feel her warm breath on my cheek as she stares into my eyes. She greets my lips again with hers. The palm of hand rests firmly on her shoulder until she gently takes it and interlaces her fingers in mine, pressing it firmly against the bed. My right hand is still fairly useless, and I make no further attempt to resist her. Unable to move from under her, I embrace her kiss and allow her tongue to slip between my lips.

What is she doing? What am _I_ doing? I've never even kissed a girl before; I have no clue what I'm doing. I start to panic; am I doing it right? Well, she hasn't backed away in disgust, so I can't be doing that poorly of a job. My mind and my body begin to relax, and I do my best to return the favor.

Just as I'm beginning to feel comfortable, she pulls away.

"Luna, I –"

She cuts me off again, putting her fingertips to my lips; she untucks my shirt and pulls it over my head. Speechless, I put my hands up to keep her back but she aggressively grabs my wrists and pounces on me, holding me down and pressing her lips against mine.

I still can't believe what's happening. I embrace her kiss, and I allow my body to move slightly with the rhythm of hers. I exhale deeply, slowly through my nose. I feel my chest sink and my body loosens up. I've never felt something like this before. It's wonderfully relaxing, but exhilarating at the same time. My mind is beginning to lose control.

Luna releases my hands, and I move my left hand to undo the zipper of her dress. I'm afraid of making her feel uncomfortable, so I only undo it slightly, and she puts her hand on mine, guiding it to fully undo the zipper. I slide the dress that I had so deeply admired down her body, and she kicks it off into the corner of the bed. I decide that I like the dress better where it is now.

Where is she going with this?

She presses her body into mine, and I run my left hand over her back and her bra strap. She quickly unclips it and throws it to the side as well. I sigh deeply as I feel her breasts press into my bare chest. I've never been so turned on in my entire life. I run my fingers through her hair and kiss her with an intensity I never knew I had.

Then I feel her fingers on my stomach. I jump as I realize she's going for my belt buckle. I pull away, but she pulls me close by the shoulders. She looks into my eyes; I can see the oceanic blue of her irises. "Relax," she whispers.

Relax?! Is she kidding?!

She pulls away from me, but before I can speak, she adjusts her body and turns her head to place her lips on my neck. My words are completely lost in a deep, exhilarating breath. I feel her finger tips dancing again around my waistline. I breathe loudly, moaning slightly as she sucks on my neck causing a painful yet sweet sensation that consumes my entire body. I pull her back on top of me with my knee between her legs, placing my hands respectfully on her lower back. I grow frustrated with the bandage on my right arm which limits my contact with the soft, perfect arch of her back. She breaks her seal on my neck, and resumes kissing me. She nibbles on my bottom lip; and I can feel her body tense as our tongues dance and intertwine.

Before I realize it, she has removed my pants _and_ my boxers. The minutes that follow are a blur.

Next I know, I'm laying beside her flat on my back trying to catch her breath. She too breathes heavily. I feel more relaxed than I've felt in my entire life. It's as though all my stress and anguish just vanished in that one pleasurable instant. I don't know what just happened. Well… I do, but I don't know how or why. I've never felt so amazing in my life, but as my mind returns to reality, I realize that I've also never felt so unclean.

As quickly as my worries had disappeared, they return. What happens now? Luna's breathing has died down, but she has yet to say a word. She finally sits up, reaches for her dress and fixes her hair. I lean forward to sit up and I pull the blanket over myself feeling suddenly self conscious of my naked body. As I'm about to speak, I hear footsteps quickly approaching the door. Luna hurls the curtain around the bed as the door opens and the lights flick on.

"Luna!" Meyrin's voice echoes through the room. Luna quickly fixes her dress and climbs down off the bunk. "Wait until we leave," she whispers to me; the girls' excited squeals keep them from hearing.

"Luna, are you alright?" Monica's voice cuts off as though something has shocked her. I hold my breath.

"Luna! Dearka asked Miriallia to his house this weekend!" Meyrin says excitedly.

Miriallia giggles modestly.

"What? Congrats Mir!" Luna says in attempt to mask the unsteadiness in her voice. I wonder what's going through her head right now. "What are we doing up here then? Let's go see him!" She's making an obvious attempt to get them out of the room; thankfully they're too excited to notice.

"Let's go," Monica says; her voice trembling slightly.

I hear the door close. I continue to hold my breath to make sure no one remains. After ten seconds I let out a loud exhale. My heart is racing, possibly faster than it was earlier. My head is swimming and I am unable to get my thoughts straight. What just happened? How did I _let_ it happen? I jump as I realize the only article of clothing I'm wearing is my socks. I grab my pants and quickly dress myself. In my haste I button my shirt wrong, leaving an extra button at the bottom. I don't care right now; I just want to get out of here.

Overwhelmed, I climb down off the bunk and head for the door. I press my ear to the door to listen for anyone in the hall. My mind continues to swim. Will Luna tell anyone? Namely Shinn? Will I ever be able to look either of them in the eye again? Was what just happened genuine on her part? Or was it out of spite for Shinn? The answer to that is fairly obvious to me. She couldn't really have feelings for me, could she?

I step out of the room and close the door behind me. My hand remains on the door knob, and I hang my head and sigh in relief.

"You bastard!"

I quickly lift my head to see Shinn leaning against the wall not ten feet from me.

"I felt guilty for thinking you might be here, but now I can see that I was right from the beginning. Tell me you didn't!" he says, moving toward me. His expression of anger reverts to a look of desperation. I look into his desperate eyes, and I can't lie to him. Even if I felt that I could, my mind is too overwhelmed to come up with something believable. I don't have it in me. I hang my head.

Shinn grabs me by the collar, thrusting me against the wall. "Tell me you didn't do it!" Shinn repeats, more frantically this time. My body remains limp, with only enough tension to keep my knees from buckling; I make no attempt to struggle. I don't respond. I've never felt like such a coward.

As I turn my head to the right, Shinn notices the red mark on my neck as well as my improperly buttoned shirt. A horrified expression crawls across his face. He looks as though he might cry. He manages to hold it back, and his expression changes to one of pure rage.

"How… DARE YOU! I gave you the benefit of the doubt; I trusted you!" I can feel his hands trembling as they barely keeps me pinned to the wall. Tears enter his eyes, "I was right about you from the start; you're no different from your father," he says quietly, his voice wavering, "You're dishonest, deceitful, and you think of nothing but your own desires no matter what it does to others!" He yells loudly. He raises his fist to the level of my head, and I close my eyes, lightly bracing myself. But nothing comes. "And like your father," he whispers, his entire body trembling as tears spill from his eyes, "you took away someone that I loved." Shaking, he lowers his fist. I feel my eyes widen. I never thought…

Shinn releases his grip on my shirt and falls to his knees sobbing. Although I'm paralyzed with shock, I manage to keep myself from falling to the floor. I begin to breathe heavily, panting from rage and exhaustion. I push myself from the wall and do the most pathetic thing I could ever do. I run. I run for my dorm and lock the door behind me, leaving Shinn sobbing on the floor.

I slam my fist into the already dented locker; over and over and over. I turn to face forward, leaning my back against the locker and let out a hoarse cry, falling to my knees and sinking to the ground. I realize my wrist is once again throbbing, but I can't feel the pain. How could I have done something like that; something so cruel, so inhumane? And to Shinn of all people. He's right; I'm just like my father.

Without giving it a second though, I pull my knife from my locker and throw my wrist band across the room. Ignoring the pain in my already burning, not to mention shaking, right hand, I lightly press the blade into my arm. It pierces the skin with little effort, and creates two uneven slits across my wrist. I lower the knife and close my eyes, but my mind is still flooding; drowning. It's not the piercing streak of pain I'd been hoping for; instead it's a pain much like the one caused by my thoughts: consistently dull and haunting.

Again I raise the knife to my arm, and retrace each cut until a thin stream of blood seeps from the wounds. It's not lethal, but it's enough to finally clear my head. I clench my teeth as the welcomed pain burns through my entire arm. The knife hits the ground with a thud; and my body trembles as I lean back to gasp for air. My back hits the locker; pain overcomes me as I feel myself passing into an unconscious state.

I wake to the sound of someone knocking at the door. It can't be Kira, Hylas or Nicol as they were all set to leave this evening.

"Athrun! Open the door. Athrun?" a sweet but concerned voice drifts through the wood of the door, and I drag myself up to open it.

I open the door and cautiously peer through the crack, but the door is forced open and I see only a flash of black hair before Monica flies at me and throws her arms around me. Once she releases me, she turns on the light. I close my eyes and lift my arm to block the light. I'm completely dazed. What happened? Both of my wrists are killing me.

"Are you alright? Athrun, how could you? I saw your shoes when I walked into my dorm. Luna, she –" Her voice cuts off as she sees my left arm covered in blood. At first she displays an expression of shock, but then it turns to one of concern. She isn't as surprised as I had expected. Does she already know? She pulls me into her arms again, more gently this time. "It's ok, Athrun." I think I know who was watching me in the dining hall.

When she let's go her attention shifts to the dented locker. She approaches it and runs her fingers along the grooves of the dents whilst staring at it intently. "Athrun…" she beings. I hang my head. She leans over to pick up the bloodstained knife from the floor. A soft sigh is released as she opens the locker and places it on the top shelf. Gently taking my right hand in hers, she leads me to the bathroom. She gestures for me to sit on the counter and she washes the blood from my arm. I don't say a word. Ashamed, I lean against the wall as she carefully cleans the wounds. I'm completely overcome by guilt; I feel nothing else.

I've never told anyone about the cutting before; however I'm surprised at how calm I am right now. Normally I would be horrified if someone found out, but judging by her reaction, I think she already knew. I trust her; I know my secret will be kept safe.

"Athrun, I know it's difficult, and sometimes it seems like there's no way out, but this isn't the way to deal with it. Inflicting pain upon yourself won't heal the emotional hurt, it only suppresses it. You shouldn't bottle up your emotions like this, it won't end well," she says calmly. She digs under the sink and retrieves the first aid kit. "I know it seems like it's helping, but you're only digging yourself a deeper hole," she says, applying an ointment to the open wounds.

I still don't respond. I have nothing to say. She's probably right, but I can't even bring myself to consider it in my current frame of mind. I remain inclined against the wall, my face resting against the light switch. I watch as she wraps my wrist in a light layer of gauze.

Great, now it looks like I tried to kill myself.

Again reaching into the first aid kit, she pulls a fresh elastic bandage from the orange bag and begins wrapping it around my swollen, discolored right wrist. As much as I've always hated feeling babied, it's nice to feel like someone cares. It reminds me of my mother.

I look into the mirror; my eyes which are usually a vibrant emerald green are darkened and bloodshot. I look terrible. My eyes are heavy, my cheeks are stained by tear streaks and my hair is a mess. As she finishes, she places her hand gently on my chin, pulling me to face her. She looks up into my eyes with a saddened expression and she brushes the hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. She smiles at me. The smile doesn't stare at me labeling me a hopeless case; it's optimistic and genuinely caring. It's an expression I'm not overly familiar with. I think it might be love. Not the love a boyfriend feels for a girlfriend, but the love that a family shares.

I look hesitantly into her concerned light blue eyes; I can't help but think of Luna. No. She's nothing like Luna. She cares about me. I couldn't ask for a better friend. I force a smile, "Thank you," I say, pulling her into a hug. I jump off the counter and pull her closer. She wraps her arms around my torso. It's an amazing feeling. I never have to worry about being mistreated by her or about losing her. It's a feeling of loyalty, trust, and friendship. I'm safe.

"Thank you, Lacus," I whisper into her ear.

"You scared me, Athrun," she trembles.

"I'm ok," I say, still holding her in my arms, "thank you for worrying about me." She hugs me tighter. It's true, I am ok; and I have her to thank.

We climb onto my bunk and sit against the wall. It's strange that although I was in this exact position with Luna not two hours ago, it feels completely different. I love how we can sit with our arms around each other and not feel awkward. We remain quite, simply comforting each other. She holds my left hand in hers as if to protect it.

She finally breaks the silence, "what happened, Athrun? With Luna…"

Although many seem to know that we were indeed behind the curtain; what exactly took place behind said curtain is still between Luna and me. I think Shinn figured it out, and I can guess that Monica has a good idea as well.

"It just kind of… happened. I saw her run out of the hall crying so I followed her. I had only intended to comfort her, but the next thing I knew she was holding me down and kissing me." I stop there; I don't really want to share the rest. Perhaps she'll assume that was all there was to it.

"And then what? I saw your shirt hanging off of the bed."

Busted.

I have no choice now; I have to explain. Did the other girls see it too? Not that I have much experience with girls, but from what I've heard, they share everything with each other.

"She started taking my clothes off; at first I tried to stop her but I just… lost control." Guilt fills my heart yet again. It wasn't as if I couldn't physically stop her, I just chose not to. I shake my head.

"Athrun, you're a guy! It's normal!" She smiles as she puts her arm around my shoulders and playfully pulls me closer. "Don't blame yourself. I've seen the way you look at her; _she's_ seen the way you look at her. She knows how you feel about her." She takes a deep breath, "Shinn doesn't treat her very well. Physically she comes off strong, but she overcompensates for the emotional damage that she suffers. She isn't in her right mind."

"So you're telling me that it meant nothing to her?" I say in a bitter tone, knocking her arm off my shoulder. Deep down I had known that this was most likely the case.

"Not entirely. She couldn't have done that with someone she felt nothing for," She offers.

"Then what? Was she taking advantage of the way I felt in order to hurt Shinn?"

Monica recoils, "Athrun, I – I don't know, I'm sorry I can't give you a proper answer. Maybe you should be talking to Luna."

I realize what I'm doing. Monica's only trying to help and here I am taking my anger out on her. Just like Kira. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to –"

She cuts me off, "I know; it's ok." She smiles at me.

I lay down onto my pillow, placing my hands casually behind my head. I let out a deep sigh. "I guess I just need to let it go. Now that I think about it, after seeing what she did to Shinn I can't say I really want to take that chance…" I'm not sure I actually believe my words, but I know I have to try.

"You're not expected to get over it just like that. Take your time ok? Kira and I are both here for you k? It's been a rough year for you, Athrun. Everything with your parents and school… and now this. Hang in there ok?" Her words are genuine. She lies down beside me and places her head on my shoulder. Again she takes my left hand in hers and gently rubs her fingers over the bandaged wounds. I can tell she's worried. She curls closer to me.

If someone were to enter the room at this moment, I know exactly how it would look. However, there's nothing other than friendship between us. It's nice to have someone that is able to comfort me like this without creating feelings of tension and discomfort.

I look over to Lacus who's now fast asleep on my shoulder. I can't even begin to gage how grateful I am to her. She's always been there for me; I feel as though I don't do enough for her. I pull her closer and kiss her forehead, "thank you," I whisper. She is sound asleep. Everyone in her dorm as well as mine will be gone tonight; I don't mind if she stays. I don't want to be alone.

I glance at my mother's photograph. I look into her smiling eyes; I wish I could go home tomorrow and see her. I miss her. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the white bandage on my left wrist. What would she think if she knew? She would be horrified. I started a couple of years ago and I've always hidden it from everyone. The truth is; I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt every time I even think about it. But that's just another emotion burdening my mind day after day. Maybe Monica's right; maybe I should stop. I wish I didn't rely so heavily on it; I wish I _could_ stop. It's become an addiction. I shove my hand under the pillow placing it out of sight.

I look back at the photo; she's still smiling at me.

**A/N:** **Well that was heavier wasn't it? I hope I didn't disappoint anyone too much. I'll admit, I'm not a huge Lunamaria fan either, but it seemed to fit well lol. To be honest, I still dont really know who I want Athrun to end up with lol. Any suggestions?!?**

**As I said before, it was one of my favorite chapters to write so I'd be interested in hearing your opinions on the chapter itself as well as the pairing!**

**To those who reviewed, thank you for the continuous support. To those who didn't... Well I know you're out there because of the hit/visitor count lol, so thanks for reading!**

**Until next time...**


	10. Chapter 10: Surrogate Family

It's been six minutes since I first awoke the sound of the alarm clock that Nicol ever so carelessly forgot to turn off before he left for the weekend. It continues to blare from across the room as I stare up at the ceiling, too lazy to get up. Monica was gone when I woke up; I would assume her father stayed in town and they met up early this morning so she could return home for the weekend. I guess now that I'm up bright and early, I can catch an early shuttle into town. When Nicol first set up that alarm clock, I kind of liked the song that it played, but now it's become the bane of my existence. As I finally roll over to sit up, a flash of pain shoots through my right hand and up my arm, reminding me of last night's episode. I guess that would be my own fault. My wrist would have healed by now had I not gotten in so many fights with my locker. I finally succeed in sitting up and I test my injured joint, but it's almost as swollen as it was when I originally hurt it.

Back to square one. Damn…

I climb down the ladder and try to find the switch to shut off the stupid clock. I continue to push buttons but it won't turn off! I pick up the clock out of frustration and rip the cord out of the wall, throwing it callously onto Nicol's bed.

Silence.

Releasing an unnecessarily loud sigh, I head for the shower.

I catch the ten o'clock shuttle into town, and discreetly head for my apartment. I'd really rather people not know where I live. I seem to have made quite a few new enemies since the ceremony last night; or at least that's how it seemed this morning. I've never sat so close to the front of a bus, but the expressions glaring up at me as I boarded told me not to proceed much farther.

I walk down the street toward my building. The sky is completely clouded over and by the humidity in the air I can tell that rain is highly probable. I glance over my shoulder to ensure no one from the academy is following.

Finally relaxing once I'm in the elevator, I lean against the wall as I'm accelerated to the top floor. I'm kind of in a crummy mood since the prospect of being alone all weekend doesn't exactly have me jumping for joy. There was a time where I would have been happy to be left alone for an entire weekend in my current state, but I think I've finally reached the point where I'm past that level of self pity.

I exit the elevator and unlock the door, revealing the large unoccupied space that I'm supposed to call home. I have a feeling it's only a matter of time before this place is a disaster. The only reason my room was clean at home was because I was in the presence of a military man; now I'm free to make as much of a mess as I want.

I take off my hoodie, dropping that on the floor as well. Next my wrist band hits the floor and I proceed to collapse on the couch. I rub my eyes and stare up at the vaulted ceiling. It looks so much more… welcoming than the dorm. I'm exhausted; I can feel myself drifting off. I squirm uncomfortably on the couch, and then finally get up to get changed. I don't want anything to do with the academy right now, even if it is just a uniform. I dig through my bag for a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I look back at the trail of bags and clothing between myself and the door. Snickering to myself after seeing the mess I've already made, I stare out the window and wrap an ice pack around my wrist. The view is amazing. The light floods through the window giving the room a radiating brightness and a lighter mood. Perhaps the person who picked this place for me knew a little more about me than I thought.

I stare down at my left wrist and begin to unwrap the layers of gauze that Monica had applied last night. It seems kind of pointless now, struggling keeping it dry in the shower only to peel it off now. The cuts are inflamed and unscabbed. It's a depressing sight; several deep scars, a few lightly scabbed wounds, and the new cuts. I open the window and let the cool air flow in.

I spend most of the day lounging around the apartment and relaxing. It's not that I wanted to spend the day doing nothing; I just have nothing better to do. It's mid afternoon before I realize there's no food in the house, and I decide to venture into to town. I know I probably shouldn't drive with my hand in its current condition, but at the moment there are more important things calling; things like a BMW in the parking lot waiting for me. I wrap up my swollen wrist, grab my sunglasses and head down to the lower level of the parking lot.

As I run down the stairs from the main floor, I feel a thrill of excitement; I haven't even seen it yet. I've never been one to obsess over cars, but a BMW with my name on it, what's not to be excited about?!

I'm greeted by a shiny silver BMW convertible that looks like it never left the lot. It has to be brand new. I stare at it in amazement before finally approaching it almost cautiously, and hitting the button to unlock the doors. I open the door to find black leather interior, standard transmission, and a beautiful stereo system. Brilliant shades of blue and green light up the dashboard as I push the key into the ignition switch. As I search for the switch to put the top down, I end up washing the windshield, turning on the wipers, opening the trunk and folding in the side mirrors before I finally find the right one. I haven't driven standard since I first learned to drive, so this should be interesting.

I put it into gear and pull out of the parking lot. It's actually kind of sunny out now, and I pull on my sun glasses. The sun is high in the sky, and the air is cool and crisp. I struggle slightly with the transmission, stalling the first few times, but I eventually get the hang out of it. I decide to cruise around the city a bit before looking for a grocery store of some sort. It's not a huge city, but I know there's still the chance of getting lost. I've never been good with directions. I reach the edge of the city, and I find myself driving along the water's edge. The refreshing breeze blows the hair off my face and I can smell the salty scent of the ocean.

I pull the car over to the side of the road and walk out onto the sand. To my surprise, there's no one else on the beach. The sound of the waves crashing and the wind blowing is surprisingly soothing. I pull my hoodie tight around me and zip it up to the top. It's cold, but it's so nice. I sit down on the dry sand in the shelter of several logs and I pull my knees close to my chest. I stare out at the ocean as the sun gently touches down on the water. The sky glows an amazing orange-pink colour.

It's strange, I feel like I should be thinking unhappy thoughts, but I just feel content. Like everything is ok. My mind drifts, thinking of nothing in particular. Even if the thought of what happened with Luna crosses my mind, or if I catch a glimpse of my hacked up wrist, I can't be bothered to feel upset. I watch until the sun disappears beyond the water, and the sky turns to an indigo blue. I'd like to stay, but the sound of my stomach growling is beginning to override the sound of the waves. I stand up and brush the sand of myself before heading back to my car. I drive around the city a little more before pulling over at a small grocery store.

I pick up a basket and wander into the store. It feels strange; I've never been in a grocery store alone. I used to go all the time with my mother when I was little; but unlike most kids I would never ask for anything. The comfortable mood that had been bestowed upon me by the ocean disappears at the memory of shopping with my mother. If she was still around I wouldn't be doing this. It's strange to think that it's my own responsibility to take care of myself now. I find myself feeling slightly betrayed. I'm only sixteen and I've been forced to become independent. Is that even legal? I guess the man who made the decision for me is above the law anyway. It's not that I don't think I can do it, I just feel the need to whine and complain since most sixteen year olds aren't forced into this situation. I try to veer away from the self pity looming around me by focusing on the task at hand.

I guess I should try to buy food that won't go bad easily since I know I'll be leaving in a few days. I wander over to the pharmacy section of the store and pick up other things I might need. I wrack my brain to think of things that every household would have; things like soap, shampoo, ketchup, salt, etc. I'm usually pretty organized when I want to be, but at the moment I'm feeling a little in over my head. I'm grateful when the cashier doesn't recognize the name on the credit card; that or she just didn't look.

By the time I get back to my apartment my wrist is aching. I decide to stay away from the car until it heals. Ugh, it's only 5:30; what am I going to do with myself all night? I unload the groceries, and then move on to the boxes in the corner of the room. The contents bring back many memoires from my house. It seems like almost a third of the stuff is Kira's. I put his stuff in the bedroom he had jokingly claimed.

I'm finished everything I can think of doing and its only 6:30. Unable to drive or amuse myself any longer, I decide to go over to the mall. It's not like I'm not there every weekend, but I just can't sit around the apartment and do nothing any longer. I still can hardly comprehend how large the mall is, and I still haven't collectively covered the entire thing over the many weekends I've been here.

I have no desire to buy anything, so I just wander. I stop every now and then to lean on the railings and admire my surroundings or even to just sit on benches. I find myself to be in a better mood just from being around people.

I wander down a small corridor, but upon reaching the end I realize it's just a couple of washrooms and stores that are still under construction. Seeing that it's a dead end, I turn to head in the opposite direction. I'm startled slightly at the sound of an unlabeled door opening. I glance back to see four boys exit the room, each wearing a ZAFT green jacket. All four of them are taller than me, and I hardly have a chance to take in their appearance before the first guy is in my face.

"Well if it isn't Athrun Zala, son of Patrick Zala," he spits in my face.

"Hope you thanked your daddy for the new uniform," says the second. The second boy is slightly stockier than the first and he bears short blonde hair.

I turn slightly as the four boys crowd around me. I look at the face of the first boy; he has a deep scar across his left eyebrow and his dark greasy hair covers his right. He's taller than me, but shorter than last two. The last two look similar, but the one is much fatter than the other. Unfortunately, they all look older and stronger than me. I tremble slightly.

This is not happening; not now, not in the middle of a mall!

There should be mall security guards everywhere, but I glance around to see no one.

"You think you're pretty hot shit, don't you Zala?" The third boy snickers

"ZAFT Red, van Aderkas team applicant, even Patrick Zala must have had to pull some pretty thick strings to accomplish that," says the first.

I consider objecting, but at present moment I think it best to keep my mouth shut. I don't have to pretend to be intimidated. As the four boys walk around me I look for a gap in which to dive through in attempt to get away. All I need to do is get out of the corridor in order for someone to see me. Perhaps if I yell loud enough?

Just as I'm about to make a run for it, the first guy grabs my right arm and twists it behind my back. Fortunately, after training with Shinn for so long, I'm used to this kind of thing. I manage to twist my body and evade the arm lock before my arm is broken. In the process I manage to swing my elbow into the guy's face. The second guy comes at me with his fist projected toward my face, but I duck to avoid the punch and drop my shoulder to slam it into his stomach. I watch proudly as the stocky boy falls to the ground, but am caught off guard as the fat guy grabs my arm and throws me to the floor. I'm unable to regain my balance, and my shoulder hits the wall hard before I fall onto my right hand. I let out a yelp as the four close in on me again.

"Think you can take on all four of us?" The fourth speaks for the first time.

I kick the feet out from under the fat boy, causing him to fall hard, narrowly missing me. He moans loudly, and the boy I assume to be his brother begins throwing kicks toward my face. I manage to cling onto his foot at one point, causing him to stumble slightly. I'm almost able to pull myself up in hopes of getting away, but the boy with the scar throws his fist forcefully into my face. I fall again, this time unable to avoid being kicked. I curl my legs to my chest and cover my head with my right arm to protect myself.

What are they going to do? Beat me until I'm unconscious?

The question is answered when the stocky guy grabs me by the hair and pulls me to my feet. I force myself to be defensive, and I kick him hard straight in the knee. He drops me, falls down and yelps in pain. I assume him to be useless for now.

One down, three to go.

I find myself on the ground yet again, and the three remaining boys continue to kick me. I reassume the fetal position as I feel I'm unable to fight back anymore.

"HEY! What the hell!?" The familiar voice is soft but angry as it echoes down the corridor.

As the beatings lighten, I cautiously lift my head to see Nicol beating the crap out of the fourth, leaving me with only the first and third. I stick my leg out and kick the fat boy hard in the ankle causing him to cry out. Finally the boy with the scar delivers one last kick to my face, before yelling, "Watch where you show your face, Zala." He runs off.

"What the –" Nicol's voice is shaking, "Athrun?!"

I lift my head and slowly release my hold on my knees. I look up to see Nicol leaning over me. He's sweating a little, and he has a horrified look on his face.

"Athrun are you ok? Who were those guys?"

"No clue," I say though gritted teeth, "they came from that door." I nod my head in the direction of the door from which they came. I can feel my voice trembling.

Nicol tries to pull me up, but I fall back into a crumpled mess on the floor.

"Athrun, what are you doing here?! I thought you lived in December City?" Nicol asks, pulling my left arm around his neck and hauling me to my feet. With all the chaos lately, I never got around to telling Nicol about my new place.

"I have an apartment just across the street," I say with my teeth still clenched, "what about you?"

"My father bought a place in the city. He's here a lot anyway and he figured it would be more convenient for me to come home. They surprised me with the news last night at dinner. Come to think of it, what happened to you last night? You just disappeared!"

"I wasn't feeling well. Ugh!" I cry out. I'd rather not explain right now so overemphasizing the pain I'm in seems like a good way to avoid the subject; not that it's much of an exaggeration.

"Let's get you home. You said it's across the street?"

"Yeah," I say, gasping as I pull away from Nicol to try to walk on my own.

Nicol is shocked when he sees the apartment. I collapse onto the couch as he explores the place.

"Dude this place is amazing!" Nicol says, still glancing around as he returns to the living room. "Are you ok? You don't look so good. There's a twenty four hour clinic across the street."

"Nah I'll be fine. I think I'm gonna take a shower." I peel myself off the couch and head for the bathroom. I lean on the counter and stare into the mirror as the bath runs behind me. Above my swollen left eye is a small cut on the edge of my eyebrow, somewhat similar to that of the boy who gave it to me. Other than that I can't see anything yet. I think my right arm took most of the damage, and even though I escaped the initial arm lock, my shoulder is killing me. I climb into the bath and let out a deep sigh as my body relaxes.

So is this how it's going to be from here on in? I still don't know if I earned those achievements honestly, but either way people are going to think it was simply because of my father. I wonder if Kira's dealing with the same sort of thing. I know I have high marks, but I'm sure there are others with marks just as high if not higher. And since when do I posses leadership qualities? I don't ever say anything during training. Ugh I don't know. I'm getting a headache. I take in a deep breath before submerging my head under the warm water. I exhale as I bring my head back above the surface. The heat soothes my aching body and I do my best to shut my brain off.

Once out of the bath, I return to the couch and try to relax.

"So you've never seen the guys that jumped you before?" Nicol asks, sitting down on the other couch.

"No. They knew who I was though. They started talking like… like Yzak. They were going on about how my father was responsible for getting me a spot on the van Aderkas team and the Red status."

"Hmm, I see. I'm sure they aren't the only ones who think that. I wouldn't worry about it too much. You know they're just jealous," Nicol says supportively.

"Yeah I guess," I say. My head feels fuzzy. I can feel myself drifting off.

I awaken to the delicious smell of food. Where am I?

I open my eyes to see that I've been covered with the blanket from one of the spare beds. My head's a little sore, but I feel a lot better. I sit up to find Nicol seated on the couch across from me reading a book.

"Hey, you're up. How you feelin?" He asks, putting the book on the table.

"Uh, better," I say moving my hand to rub my eyes. I wince as I hit my swollen left eye.

"Oooh, that's ugly," Nicol cringes.

"What are you making? It smells awesome."

"Oh it's just a stir fry, nothing special. I just kind of used whatever I could find."

"You really didn't have to cook for me. You don't have to stay here and babysit me either. Really, I'm fine," I say, honestly happy for the company. I don't want to inconvenience him on his weekend off though.

"It's cool, I don't mind. There's no one at my house anyway." Nicol says, getting up and heading for the stove. "It's ready. Do you wanna eat at the table or over there?"

"Table. White carpet and food are a bad combination," I joke, trying to ignore the dizzy sensation overwhelming my head as I stand up. "Nicol, can I ask you something?" I ask as he places a plate of the most delicious looking food I've ever seen in front of me. I kind of feel guilty; it doesn't seem like he should be serving me in my own house.

"Uh… sure?" Nicol looks up from his food.

"Did you join ZAFT because of your parents? I mean like… did they pressure you?" I ask awkwardly, having trouble putting my thoughts into words. I immediately feel like I'm prying.

"No actually, never. They were always supportive of whatever I wanted to do," he says smiling, "did yours?"

"Not directly, no." I shuffle the food around my plate uncomfortably. "But I guess it always felt as though I would never live up to my father's standards if I didn't." Not that I would live up to his standards now that I have enlisted either. It feels weird to be sharing this with him.

"So is that why you joined?" Nicol asks, catching me off guard.

I have to think for a second. "Kind of. I think after my mother was killed I felt like I couldn't just sit around and do nothing anymore." Truth be told I've never actually wanted to fight, but what else could I do? "What about you? What made you decide to join?" I'm actually very curious as to why Nicol joined. He seems like he knows what he's doing and why he's here.

"After I heard about what happened on Junius Seven I decided that if I'm capable of doing something to help, then it's the only logical thing to do." Unlike me, Nicol seems so confident in his reasoning. He reminds me of a younger Kira; he's an all around good person who knows what he's doing. He isn't quite as skilled or talented as Kira, but then again not many people are. It will come with time though for Nicol. Then I think of Hylas. He lacks the potential and talent that Nicol and Kira both possess, but he makes up for it with determination and perseverance. I'm confident that one day Hylas will make an excellent addition to the ZAFT army. I see myself as the complete opposite as Hylas. I know I have the talent and potential, but I still haven't quite found my place or figured out why I'm here. If my mother's death isn't enough to motivate me, what is?

"Athrun? Are you ok?" Nicol asks as I completely zone out. "Do you not like the food?"

"What?" I say, snapping back to reality, "No the food is great! Thanks again. I was just thinking," I say, again staring off into space. "I still can't believe you made all this while I was sleeping." I begin stuffing my face with food. I realize now how hungry I am; I haven't eaten all day.

"It's really no problem, I like cooking," he says, shoving a forkful of food into his mouth. "Almost as much as I like eating it," Nicol laughs, his words muffled by the mouthful of vegetables he just ate.

I smile and laugh. It feels good to be in the company of friends again.

After dinner Nicol insists that I lay down while he cleans up. We watch a movie and I almost fall asleep. I make it through the movie, but decide to go to bed after it. I tell Nicol he can either sleep in Kira's room or on the couch.

Despite how tired I am, I have a hard time falling asleep. I lay on my back staring up at the dark ceiling. The rain that the morning had predicted has finally arrived. My mind is swimming with thoughts of Shinn and Luna. I shake my head, trying to clear my mind; it's the last thing I want to think about right now. My head then fills with thoughts of my mother. I miss her. If she was still here, would I be able to talk to her about these things? I feel tears in my eyes as I roll onto my right side. I miss the days that she would hug me when I was upset. I always struggled against it; feeling embarrassed, but now I wish more than anything that she would hug me. I run my fingers lightly over the fresh cuts on my wrist; is this all I have left? I sniffle quietly and cross my arms across my chest, hugging myself. I can't help but feel alone.

I wake to the sound of crashing and banging outside my bedroom door. I open my eyes slightly to see a blurred, tall, dark haired figure standing in my door way.

"Athrun! You're new roomies are here!" says a familiar voice.

"Kira?" I say rubbing my eyes as he enters the room. My eyes finally focus, and I subconsciously plunge my exposed left forearm under the blankets. I discretely take my wrist band from the night table and return it to the comfortable position on my arm.

"Whoa man, what happened to you?" Kira asks, moving closer to blatantly check out my eye. He then turns his head to the door, "NICOL!!! What'd you do to him?!?!" He yells loudly.

"Long story," I say, raising a hand to my face, "I'll tell you later." Hopefully I can come up with some kind of story to soften the blow. Kira wouldn't take it well if he knew the truth. The swelling in my eye has gone down, and I can see more clearly from it. My wrist is a little less swollen as well, but it's still sore to move. The rest of my right arm and shoulder ache from last night.

"Yeah, Nicol is here too. I think he's in your room." I say, even though he already knows.

"Nope, he's on the couch. Hylas is talking to him. I didn't know he lived around here," Kira replies.

"His parents just got a place out here. Can you excuse me a minute?" I say, wanting a bit of privacy now that I've been ruthlessly deprived of my sleep.

"Yeah, sure thing," Kira says, exiting the room and closing the door behind him.

I climb out of bed, bracing my arm against my body as I head for the bathroom. I splash water on my face and brush my teeth. I glance in to the mirror and look closely at the bruising around my left shoulder. I then dig in the cabinet for the bottle of ibuprofen I bought last night. I then dress myself in long pants and a long sleeved shirt, hoping to cover as many of the bruises as I can before heading out to the main room.

"Geez Athrun, what's with this place? You look your doors but you still can't keep the squatters out!" Nicol jokes as I enter the room. Kira laughs, flipping his key up into the air and catching it at an unusual speed.

"Nicol told us about what happened. You ok?" Kira asks, his voice shifting to a more serious tone. He still sounds more relaxed than I'd expected.

"Yeah, I'm alright."

"How's your eye?" Nicol asks.

"It's ok. It's not as bad as it looks," I say, offering a reassuring smile. "Kira, has anyone said anything to you? You know… about your… accomplishments?"

"People seemed a little unhappy back at the academy last night, but since then, no."

I notice Kira's burgundy windbreaker on the back of the couch. It's indeed the one he had received last night. I haven't worn mine outside of the academy; I've felt a negative vibe toward it since I first realized I had it. It makes me think though. Kira is the most modest person I know, yet he's wearing it proudly. Should I be doing the same? Perhaps it's not something I should feel resentful toward.

"Hey have you guys eaten?" Nicol asks, interrupting my thoughts.

"Nah, we got up and jumped on a shuttle. I'm starving!" Kira replies.

"There's eggs and stuff in the fridge," I say. "Help yourselves to whatever you want." I realize again that I'm not being much of a host; I should probably be cooking for them. But it's gotten to the point where we've become like family so I think it's all good.

"I'm making omelets, who wants one?" Nicol says excitedly.

"I'll help," Hylas offers.

"Awesome. Let us know if you need help," Kira says, placing a hand on my shoulder and pulling me in the direction of the balcony.

As we walk through the sliding glass door my lungs fill the refreshing aroma of the morning breeze.

"It's kind of funny that although we were all supposed to go our separate ways this weekend, we still ended up together," Kira comments, crossing his arms and leaning on the balcony railing.

"Yeah…" I trail off.

"I gotta ask; do you know much about Hylas's past?"

"Um, no not really," I say, slightly caught off guard by his question.

"I've tried to get him talking but he tries desperately to avoid the subject. I guess it's a sensitive subject. It's understandable, but it just seems like there's more to it. He's so timid, like he apologizes for everything. Every time I ask him if he needs something he always says no, and even when I tried to find out what he wanted for dinner he said he didn't need to eat. It's like he feels bad for being there, like he's a burden or something. It's part of why we came here." Kira finishes his sentence, and stares out at the view.

"I'm not really sure. He isn't usually like that around me, but it might just be because we're at the academy. The only thing I know is that his parents died when he was young and he lived at an orphanage until he was old enough to come to ZAFT. And now that you mention it, he does avoid the topic of his past. I don't generally try to force things out of him; it just seems to hurt him. I think something might have happened to him when he was younger. But were not psychiatrists, were his friends and if he wants to talk about it he'll do it when he's ready."

"I guess that's why he's so comfortable around you," Kira looks at me, an understanding look on his face. "I'm glad he has you, Athrun. I don't think he really has anyone else."

I stare out at the distant ocean. "It kind of worries me though. You don't become the way he is for no particular reason. Like there's nothing wrong with determination, but it's like he's beyond that. I think he'd try to the point where it killed him to accomplish what he desires. It's like he feels that he has something to prove to someone."

"He's an interesting fellow. I wouldn't be too worried about him though, I think he's alright."

"I'll see if he wants to come here next time we're sent home," I suggest, still looking out to the water.

"What about you? You seem a little out of it," Kira asks, looking me straight in the eye.

"I'm ok, just a little taken aback by what happened last night." I'm almost thankful to have the attack as a cover up for everything else that's happened. I'm sure Kira knows there's something more though. "It was just so random," I say, not entirely sure what I'm referring to anymore.

"Did you say something to them?" Kira asks.

"No, they just came from nowhere. They immediately knew who I was and they started saying stuff about my father. I managed to take two of them down, and then Nicol showed up just as I was losing it. It's a little strange you know, usually the person who would show up like that at the perfect time would be you. I've sort of always seen Nicol to be a lot like you," I confess.

Kira laughs, "I guess he's just filling in for me, hey?"

"One difference," I say smiling as I turn to face Kira, "the kid can cook! I know you're capable of burning water."

"Oh whatever," Kira says jokingly, playfully punching me in the shoulder.

I wince slightly as a streak of pain runs through my arm. I put my hand to my shoulder.

"Are you ok?" Kira asks; a serious look on his face.

"Yeah, just from last night. It's just bruised," I reply, still massaging my aching shoulder. Kira moves his hand to pull my shirt back slightly to get a better look at it. Sure enough, it's swollen and a little discolored.

Kira removes his hand and leans back against the railing, "try not to let it dampen your morale too badly. You earned this. Wear your uniform proudly; don't let those who are jealous or envious take that away from you. Let them waste their efforts, but don't you do the same." Occasionally the words that come out of his mouth shock me. I don't know how he comes up with it sometimes.

"I just still can't shake the feeling that maybe my dad did have something to do with it," I say sadly.

"I know you saw his face. He looked just as shocked as you did. Besides, you had all the same grades, if not better grades than I did. This is your accomplishment and yours alone. Be proud, geez!" Kira says, lightly patting my left shoulder.

"Thanks Kira," I say, looking up into his smiling eyes.

"Let's go make sure those two aren't burning the place down. I wouldn't wanna try to jump from here in case of a fire," Kira jokes as he slides open the glass door.

Maybe Kira is right. I really want to believe that I earned it, but I can't bring myself to accept that I've done something worthwhile. Oh well, I'll never know for sure if my father was at all involved. It's not like I have a choice as to whether or not I want to wear my new uniform, I guess I might as well get used to it.

"How's it going in here?!" Kira yells over the sound of sizzling bacon.

"Great! There's some ready if you two wanna dig in?" Hylas says, pointing to a plate on the counter. He's smiling. I think he's happy to be back with us, he just seems more comfortable with all of us. I hope he's happy.

"No way man!" Kira says, backing away. His serious glance turns to a smile, "we're going to have a nice family breakfast! Thanks for cooking mom and dad!" Kira says, putting extra emphasis on the word family.

"Anytime, son," Nicol says in a low, manly tone.

Kira continues to dish out pathetic jokes as Nicol and Hylas finish cooking and we then crowd around the elevated table and eat. While the others talk, I remain silent, simply enjoying their company. After breakfast, Kira and I clean as Nicol shows Hylas around the apartment.

"Hey Athrun!" Hylas yells from the spare bedroom, "What's this door behind the bookshelf?"

"What?" I don't know of any secret doors. Why would there be a bookshelf hiding it? I put the last plate away and head for the bedroom. "Why were you looking behind the boo-" My voice trails off as I see the old wooden door where the bookshelf had sat. The door is old and definitely doesn't fit with the design of the rest of the place. It looks older than the building itself and its covered in cobwebs.

"What's going o-" Kira stops, the dish towel in his hand falls to the floor as he stares intently at the door. "What's that?"

"I have no idea," I say, confused.

"Let's open it!" Nicol says, sounding a little too excited.

We stand back as Nicol cautiously opens the door. He looks around for a light switch, finding it to the right of door. Unlike the rest of the apartment, the room is lined with wood and the floor is covered with a stale light pink carpet. There's a large bench that looks as though it could be used as a bed frame. Other than that, the room is empty and extremely unwelcoming.

"So, who wants to sleep here tonight?" I say, trying to lighten the now sickened mood. I have no idea what this room was used for in the past, but at the moment I'm choosing not to think about it.

"Yeah, definitely," Hylas says sarcastically.

"I'm just going to close this now," Nicol says uncomfortably, pulling the door closed and pushing the shelf back against the door.

"I'm going to go finish the dishes," Kira says.

"What do you think it was used for?" Hylas asks me, asking the one question I don't want to even try to answer. It just has such an uneasy vibe to it.

"I have no idea, Hylas," I say in the most pleasant tone I can force. I lead him out of the room and return to the kitchen.

That afternoon Kira digs out his old Nintendo from the box of stuff I had put in his room. It keeps us entertained for most of the day. I get bored and follow Nicol into the kitchen to "help" make dinner; that is to say I sit on the counter picking at the food while he cooks.

"Moral support – supervision," I had called it after Nicol suggested that I go play video games with the others. After dinner, we watch another movie and head off to bed, Kira and Hylas in the spare bedroom and Nicol on the couch. The next morning we return to the academy after Nicol makes us breakfast.

**So there you have it, chapter 10! Sorry about the wait, but I forgot how much of my life is consumed by school. On the up side, I find that I write better while I'm in school, perhaps because I don't have as much time to write so when I do find the time, I actually get to it rather than staring at a blank word document.**

**Anyway, I'd love to hear what you think about this chapter and the rest of the story for that matter. Drop me a review and let me know!**

**Also, for those of you who have seen Gundam 00, I wrote a random one-shot the other day and posted it so you can check that out too!**

**Oh and by the way, those who feel that story is moving slowly at the moment, we're about to hit a wave of drama in the next couple chapters so brace yourselves!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Until next chapter...**


	11. Chapter 11: Steps Forward

**So in case you haven't noticed, I've done a bit of maintenance on this story... ie I named all the chapters! **

**Anywho, I hope you enjoy the new chapter!!**

**

* * *

  
**

After a long anticipation filled week, Thursday evening finally rolls around. The names of those accepted to the mobile suit training field are to be posted by 19:00. Mu is almost knocked down by a group of students rushing to see the list as he attempts to post it on the common room bulletin board. I choose to remain in my usual recliner until the swarm dies down. I have no doubt that someone's going to yell my name if I was accepted anyway. Once the majority of the students have excitedly left the common room, Nicol gets up and looks at the list.

"Athrun! We're in the same group!" Nicol says excitedly, then returning his eyes to the list. "Kira you made it too, but I don't recognize any other names from your group. There are only five of you."

"Anyone else in our group that we know?" I ask, half of me not wanting to hear the answer.

"Uhhh, yeah," Nicol says, his voice indicating exactly what I had expected. "Shinn and Yzak," he looks up at me, a less than thrilled expression on his face.

The only thing worse than having Yzak or Shinn in my group, is having Yzak AND Shinn in my group. Great. I'm sure it will be interesting at the least. Then again, the last time I figured it would be interesting I almost got my arm broken.

"What about Hylas?" Kira asks.

"I didn't apply," Hylas says before Nicol can properly scan the list again.

"Ah, I see," Kira says in a casual tone, obviously not wanting to pry as its most likely a sensitive subject. He shoots me a glance that reads 'this is your department.'

"I'm gonna head over to the fitness center, I'm going to get fat if I keep eating Nicol's cooking. You guys wanna come?" Kira asks.

"Yeah, I'm in. But just for the record, my cooking is healthy. Much healthier than the food you'd eat here," Nicol teases.

"I've got a bit of a headache, I think I'm gonna sit this one out," Hylas says. He doesn't look so good. He doesn't seem sick, he just seems upset. Perhaps he's disappointed in the pilot selection. Poor guy…

"My wrist is still pretty sore; I'd better decline as well." While this is true, it's more of an excuse than anything.

"Suit yourselves, come on Nicol," Kira says, almost as if he hadn't heard my answer. I guess he knew the answer before he even asked the question.

"I'm gonna get changed, I'll be right back," I say to Hylas, quickly running back to the dorm.

Crap, what do I even say to him? Should I comfort him? Should I even bother asking him about it? Maybe I should just be there with him in case he wants to talk. I ponder the thought as I quickly pull a pair of pajama pants on, then try to decide what to take with me. Should I take my computer? Make it seem like I'm doing something rather than just waiting for him to talk. He knows me too well, I'm sure he knows exactly what I'm thinking right now too. I decide to drag a textbook along with me, since realistically, I should be studying.

I return to find him sitting alone in the common room with a mug held tightly in his lap. The light from the TV fills the empty room, but the sound is turned down and Hylas doesn't seem to be paying much attention.

"Hey, how's the headache?" I ask as I settle into my chair.

"Eh, it's alright," he says standing up, "want some?" He asks, pouring more of what looks like hot chocolate into the mug.

"Uh sure," I say as he pours the steaming liquid into a blue mug. He hands it to me along with an ice pack. I laugh, "thanks, mom," I say, emphasizing the maternal term.

"Yeah no prob. Hey Congrats on being selected as a pilot. Did I already say that? Oh well, congrats again," Hylas says smiling as he sits back down on the couch adjacent to me.

"Yeah I think you did, but thanks again," I say as I wrap the ice pack firmly around my wrist and rest it in my lap. I take a sip of the sweet hot chocolate; it burns my tongue slightly, and I shoot a sour look at the mug in my hand. I shake my head and attempt to refocus my thoughts on the matter at hand. "So how come you didn't apply?" I ask, immediately biting my tongue. It's like my brain automatically reacted… I told myself I wasn't going to pry.

Hylas stares down into his cup as though he's concentrating, "I just don't think I'm ready. I… haven't caught onto things as quickly as you guys," he says slowly, "maybe next semester. For now I wouldn't mind training the basics for a while longer and maybe learning the mechanics of the mobile weapons." He says, his tone picking up slightly. He seems confident in what he's saying; maybe he isn't as upset about the outcome as we thought. Yet he still seems so depressed. I never have this much trouble reading a person…

"It's only natural that it might take you a little longer. Don't forget that Nicol and I grew up around all this. And the school Kira and I attended on the moon was basically a preparation for this. As for Kira, he's just always been amazing at everything he's ever tried. Give it time ok? It will come." I try to sound as supportive as I can without being condescending.

"I know. I guess it's just difficult sometimes; I feel like I'm living in three very tall shadows. Don't worry though," he says looking up at me, "I'm not jealous. You guys are just all very talented." I can tell he's doing his best not to upset of offend me.

"Listen, Hylas. There one thing that you have more of than Kira, Nicol and myself all combined and that's determination. You have a strong will and you'll stop at nothing to get to where you want to go. I envy that about you." I stare straight ahead of me, and then drop my glance into my lap. "Ultimately I think that will get you further than any of us. I can't honestly say that I even know why I'm here. I wish I had what you have. I feel like if I knew what I wanted I could do so much better." I take another sip of my hot chocolate, it's not as hot now, but it still stings as it passes over my already burnt tongue.

Hylas is quiet for a second. Finally he lifts his head. "You'll find it. You wouldn't have gotten this far if you had no motivation. I just don't think you realize what it is yet." Hylas looks me in the eye and forces a smile. He's such a good guy. Even when he's the one upset he still makes an effort to comfort me. I can tell he still isn't in a very good place. If it's not the pilot thing, what could it be?

"You know, if you ever need help with anything to do with training, all you have to do is ask. You're going to be quite the soldier some day." I say smiling. I know it sounds cheesy, but I believe every word of it. I have more faith in those words than I do in myself right now.

"Thanks, Athrun. I might just take you up on that. Think we could go down to the firing range again at some point? I still can't get over how amazing a shot you are."

"Well thank you, but you'd probably beat me right now," I say holding up my right hand. Its bright red from the ice. "But sure, whenever you'd like. Just don't expect any demos for a while," I joke.

"It's taking its sweet time, hey?" Hylas asks.

"Yeah, it's only because I keep falling on it during class and stuff… among other things," I say, mumbling the last part and glancing across the room. I think of the dented up locker next to my bed. It's a lame excuse but I'm not sure if he knows.

"I've seen the dents, Athrun. You shouldn't take your anger out like that. Have you tried just talking to someone? I know you're kind of reserved, but it really does help. I might not be able to relate to your situation, but I'm a good listener," Hylas offers, beaming up at me. His face turns a slightly red colour.

"Thanks Hylas, I know. It's just something I need to learn to deal with." I'm kind of surprised that he knew. I place a hand on my wristband. I wonder if he knows about that too.

"Sounds good. Hey do you wanna grab some food? I'm kind of hungry," he says, slowly getting off the couch.

"I have one more thing to ask you, Hylas." Although I've been thinking a lot about it lately, asking him this now is completely impulsive.

"Hmm?" He asks, sitting back down on the edge of the couch as he notices the serious expression on my face.

I drop my head a little, and then look up at Hylas. I try to put on a confident expression. "I think you should move in with me. You know, make my apartment your permanent residence for holidays and stuff. And when we're done at the academy you can live there when you're off duty.

"What?" Hylas asks, completely caught off guard. "Athrun I – I – don't know." He hangs his head. "I don't want you to offer because you feel like you have to. I don't want to burden you. I know you like your space." I can tell that he wants to, but he feels guilty.

"There's tons of space!" I say more excitedly. I would love for him to come live with me. "It would make me feel better to know that you have somewhere to call your home. Plus, I would love the company. I might seem like the type of person who likes my space, but honestly, I hate being alone. So what do you say?"

"Well, ok then. Only if you're sure it's alright."

"Of course it's alright!" I say happily.

Hylas smiles up at me and nods. I feel a strange sensation of warmth. I feel I've finally made a decision I'm 100% sure is right.

***********************************

I can feel my pulse quicken as I nervously pull on my burgundy jacket. Nicol silently does the same on the other side of the room. The day we've all been anticipating and dreading has finally arrived. Without a word, we exit our dorm together and walk down the stairs to the conference room in which we're supposed to meet the rest of our group for first mobile suit training lesson.

As we enter the room, the first thing I see is the pair of boys from across the hall. Yzak and Shinn are sitting in chairs at the far end of table; Shinn still refuses to look at me, and Yzak just glances up to sneer and give me a dirty look. It takes me a second to realize the familiarity of this room; it's the room where I met my father. My thoughts are thankfully interrupted as the last few students enter the room, followed by a tall, burley man with shaggy dark brown hair and a clearly unshaven face.

"My name is Officer Murdoch, and I will be your instructor for the first portion of your mobile suit training lessons. I am one of the senior engineers here at the academy, and my other job aside from teaching you kids, is to ensure that all of our mobile suits are functioning and in top condition. Imagine my work load during the pilot licensing period," the man chucked to himself. The others besides Yzak, Shinn and myself giggle at his joke. There was way too much tension between the three of us for any of us to find anything funny right now. "You will also learn in time that I am very fond of, and therefore very protective of those machines. If I see any fooling around in these machines or an inappropriate behavior, I will not hesitate to ask you to leave. You will then be required to spend the remainder of the lesson composing a report explaining _why_ you were asked to leave." The man's face was stern, emphasizing the seriousness in his words.

Finally his strict glare turned to one of a slightly friendlier manner. "Today we will begin by familiarizing ourselves with the cockpits of the machines, and a little later, depending on how that goes, we will see if you guys can get them to move. Although I know you've all flown numerous simulations, I assure you that the real thing is quite different. If you were not already made aware, the reason you are in this group is because your simulation scores are at the top of your classes. For this reason, we will be moving a little faster than the other groups. Now if I could get each of you to introduce yourself, we will then head down to the locker room where you will each find a locker with your name and a pilot suit. Now – your names please.

Yzak was the first to introduce himself, then Shinn and the other two at the table, then Nicol and then myself. I couldn't help but notice the particular look in his eyes when he I announced my name. I'm not certain if it was a good or bad look, but either way it was extra attention, and it also caused Shinn to shoot me yet another dirty look. If looks could kill, Shinn alone probably would have murdered me a long time ago.

Upon entering the locker room, we find our lockers, fight with the combination locks, and pull out their contents. To my horror, I discover out a burgundy flight suit while the others are green. Just as I put my head back into the locker, I catch envious expressions displayed on both Shinn's and Yzak's faces. Shinn snarls at me before returning his attention to his locker. I quickly turn to meet a reassuring smile from Nicol. I sigh a little as I pull on the uncomfortably fitted suit.

"So you will not have seen one of these in the simulations," Officer Murdoch says as we enter the large hangar. We glance around the large room to find seven tall grey machines with rounded heads standing in a circle staring down at us. The room is well lit but with no windows. Officer Murdoch is holding a long brown cable that extends from the cockpit of a mobile suit down to the floor where he stands. "This is your entry cable. Put a bit of a pull on the line, and you go up, same if you want to go down." He releases the cable from his grip and walks closer to the mobile suit. "Let me introduce you. This big guy here is the ZGMF – X1017 GINN. This is our basic mass production model here at the academy. Since there are other groups who will need to make use of these more _elementary_ machines, you guys will only be working with them until we're confident that you are able to handle them; then you will be trained in the ZAKU's. But more about that later." The man walks back into the center of the circle where we all stand, and he gestures for us to attempt the entry cables.

I nervously approach the machine next to Nicol's. I securely place my foot in the small triangle at the base of the cable, and tug the line gently only to be quickly hoisted into the air. I close my eyes in fear, and from the sounds around me I can gather that the others are doing the same. The cable slams to a halt at the top of the cockpit, and I cling to the line for dear life. I slowly open my eyes, only to look down about twenty meters below me at Officer Murdoch. I've never been afraid of heights; my apartment is on the 27th floor of the building! I carefully ease my way into the cockpit, careful not to lose my balance. I slip into the seat, and heave a sigh of relief. I watch as the others suffer the same traumatic experience. I look to my left to see Nicol slowly coast to the top of the cable and jump gracefully into the cockpit. I snicker to myself, _what a bastard_.

"Wow buddy, you're a natural!" Officer Murdoch calls to Nicol. "You done this before?"

I glance over as Nicol's blushing head pops out of the cockpit. He shakes his head in embarrassment, before diving back down.

I look around me, the cockpit is fairly lit up since the hatch is open, but it feels safe and secure.

After listening to Officer Murdoch yell across the gap for a good half hour, we are instructed to turn on our machines and close the cockpits. We are then to try to walk out into the field. Being the only Red in the group, I of course am instructed to lead. _Perfect, yet another chance to humiliate myself!_

As I press the main power button, the cockpit is illuminated with what seems like hundreds of tiny lights, and the hatch above me closes. The machine itself comes to life, and I look out through the main screen to see the eyes of the other machines light up. On the left screen, an image of Officer Murdoch appears; his voice hoarse from yelling for the last half hour. _Why didn't he just do it this way from the beginning?_

My shoulders tremble wildly as I place my hand on the main power clutch of the machine. I fear that my hand might actually slip off due to the large amount of perspiration forming in the pit of my palm. I grasp the clutch tightly, and place my foot on the pedal. _Just like in the simulations now._ I press down on the pedal and pull the clutch simultaneously, and the machine takes its first step. The giant being continues forwards as I press the pedals over and over.

"That's far enough, Mr. Zala. Thank you." Officer Murdoch commands. I release the pedal and relax into the seat. I heave a sigh of relief as another screen pops up next to the officer's.

"Nice job, Athrun!" Nicol's smiling face says from the screen.

I smile to myself once both faces are turned away from the screen. I know it's only a small accomplishment, but I can honestly say I'm proud of myself. Perhaps I'm finally living up to my Red status? I never thought I'd see the day, but maybe I'm actually becoming a leader.

*************************************

"Hey, how ya doin?" Kira says, snapping my out of my semi conscious, zoned out state.

"Huh? Oh hey. I'm ok, you?" I'm sitting alone in the cafeteria mindlessly munching on garden salad. Strangely enough I have absolutely no appetite today. Maybe it was just the nerves from the mobile suit training this morning, but you'd think that would be gone by now.

"Not bad. Something on your mind?" He asks, sliding into the seat next to me. He stares at me like a psychiatrist waiting for me to spill my deepest secrets. Then again, Kira probably knows more than I would ever tell any counselor.

"Not really, I've just been zoning out all day. How was your class?" I ask, hoping to take the attention off of myself.

"Good. We didn't really do much. Oh right, I knew there was a reason I came to talk to you. How was your chat with Hylas last night?" By the time Hylas and I went to bed Kira was already out.

"Thanks," I laugh, "it was fine. Why do you ask?"

"He just seems a little off lately. I mean more so than usual."

"Yeah, I dunno. I asked him to come live with me last night," I say, finally spilling.

"I was wondering when you were going to do that," Kira says, a less than shocked expression on his face. He picks a piece of lettuce out of my salad and pops it into his mouth. And to think that I thought he'd be surprised. I really am off my game today. "I assume he accepted?"

"Yeah," I mumble. "Do you want the rest?" I ask, offering him my fork.

"Nah I'm good. I'm gonna grab something in a sec. Hey how's your wrist?"

"It's ok. I think it might finally be on the mend," I say honestly.

"Good to hear. Now no matter what the locker says to you, you have to be absolutely sure that you don't hit him ok?" Kira says seriously before bursting out laughing.

"Fine, but you never said anything about not hitting you!" I laugh, punching him in the shoulder with my left hand.

He hits me back and we continue to laugh out loud… just like old times. It seems like things are finally starting to feel peaceful around here. I'm becoming more comfortable here, and I feel like between my training and my friends, I might finally be finding my purpose and my place in the world… or at least at the academy.

* * *

**So there you have it, chapter 11. I do realize this chapter is a bit shorter and slower than previous chapters. I assure you the next chapter will be longer and MUCH more dramatic. It shouldn't take too long to post since a) it's already written and b) I'm super excited for it!! **

**School has been uber busy and midterms are greatly eating away at my writing time (and my sense of creativity), but I will do my best to update soon. I won't lie, with the stress from school and seemingly shortage of interest with this story, I'm slowly losing my motivation :( This doesn't mean that I won't finish it, it just means that it might happen slower. But I suppose we can only see in time. **

**Thanks for reading!**


	12. Chapter 12: Barely out of Reach

As the weeks pass, mobile suit training continues and all of the students, or should I say soldiers, including myself seem to be gaining more and more self confidence. I can actually say that I'm proud of myself. Even though it's still Murdoch who tells me to, I've managed to take the role of leader several times, even taking on the role of the combat operator a few times. This includes making quick decisions, commanding the other pilots, and even quickly coming up with strategies on the spot.

Not long ago, there was another attack on the plants which left my father enraged and streaming live broadcasts in which he publicly tore apart the naturals for their recent moves. We've all been informed that we're now on standby; this means that if our numbers fall short, we'll be called into battle. I've never felt a greater pressure in my life.

I glance over to the clock above the main entrance to the empty common room. It's getting late. Not that it matters, as it is Saturday, but I can feel myself drifting off. I sit alone in the common room, working on an English paper for my academics class. Kira and Nicol are at the firing range, and I honestly don't have a clue as to where everyone else is. I finally talked Hylas into checking himself in to the infirmary, as he's still complaining of headaches and he's even started coughing. It has me worried, since coordinators aren't supposed to catch serious illnesses, but his sickness seems to have persisted an unusually long time.

I sigh and close my laptop. As I'm about to get up and head to bed, a flustered, exhausted, red-faced Hylas runs through the common room door. He buckles over as he sees me, panting heavily. "Athrun," he says between breaths, "we need to talk."

I stare down at him, a confused expression on my face.

He stops breathing for a second. "Now! But not here." He's panicking.

"Hylas, what – are you ok?" I ask, putting my computer on the side table.

"Yes – No – I don't know. Just please, can we got outside or something?" he asks ecstatically. "I just need to talk you, and it's kind of private."

"Ok, one sec, grab a sweater and we'll go outside," I say, trying to keep a composed tone as he's clearly freaking out. "You're sick remember, cold weather is bad." I pull my own hoodie over my head.

By the time we get outside, Hylas is panting heavily again; his face is red and beads of sweat are forming on his forehead. His knees buckle and he falls to the ground, back against the wall.

"Hylas, what's going on?" I ask, panting a little myself. "What did the doctors say?"

"Look Athrun," he beings, trying to catch his breath. "I have no choice now but to tell you the truth. I lied before – to everyone."

"What? What are you talking about?" I ask, now eager to hear his response.

"My parents aren't dead, they're living on earth."

"What? But…" I trail off, allowing him to finish.

"When I was conceived, my parents had me genetically engineered as a coordinator. When I was born, everything seemed normal until I got sick. It turns out I was born with what they call empty chromosomes. Basically, a genetic test says I'm a coordinator, but I don't posses any of the abilities or immunities that coordinators do. When my parents I realized this…" his voice trails off, almost sadly. "Let's just say I found myself at an orphanage pretty quickly. I remained in the PLANTs, but I haven't seen them since. I was three. So as far as genetics go I'm a coordinator; that is until I get sick. Then the real truth comes out: I'm a natural. I always knew there was the chance that this day could come, and with so many recent attacks, if someone like your father was to find out, I can only imagine what would happen." He stops as he coughs loudly. He pulls his hand away from his mouth to reveal a spatter of blood on his sleeve.

"Look Hylas," I say, the initial shock hasn't quite passed yet, "none of that matters right now. You need medical attention – "

"That's just it Athrun! I can't! As soon as a doctor finds out I'm sick, it's all over. My cover is blown. The infirmary has my test results; they'll be back by morning. I have to get out of here," he says. He's having a full blown panic attack now. His shoulders are shaking, the colour has drained from his face, and he's breathing heavily again. He begins to cough loudly.

I walk over to him and push his head between his knees, hoping that he'll be able to catch his breath. This isn't happening; this has to be a nightmare. Hylas isn't a coordinator? I look at my friend, his sleeve is covered with blood and there are tears forming in his eyes; whether its from coughing or not, I don't know. I don't care that he's not a coordinator; he's still Hylas, my little brother.

"Hylas, listen. Tomorrow, we'll go to my place, and we'll figure something out ok? Maybe it won't be as serious; maybe everything will work out," I offer, hiding my own fear and wishing desperately that I could believe my own words.

He looks up at me, tightly clinging to his shaking knees, "You know it's the first place they'll look when they realize I'm gone. There are no naturals left in the PLANTs, they've threatened us all to death."

I drop my head, thinking as quickly as I can, trying to come up with a solution. "Are you sure the results won't be in until tomorrow?" I ask, attempting to devise a plan.

"Yeah, they said noon tomorrow, but they might get suspicious when they realize I'm gone."

"Then in the morning, we'll go to my place and you can stay there until we figure something out. We'll say that you disappeared when we went into town. We'll get you out before anyone realizes you haven't returned with us," I offer, sounding far more confident that I actually feel. I need to at least appear strong for his sake.

I wrack my brain for a further solution. There is one person I think may be able to help, but that would mean revealing her true identity to yet another person.

I do my best to calm Hylas down before we reenter the building, but he's pretty much hysterical. We return to the dorm where we discuss the plan with Kira and Nicol. The pair appears to be about as shocked as I did when I found out. Although we do our best to keep Hylas in good spirits, we all know that for one reason or another, this will likely be his last night in the dorm.

I leave the dorm and wander down the hallway where I knock firmly on the girls' door. The last person I had hoped to answer the door stares me in the eye as I ask for Monica.

"Classy," Lunamaria says, as she turns to call for Monica.

I lead Monica to the empty common room and explain the situation. She sits silently and listens, and continues to be quiet once I finish. She looks as though she's deep in thought before she speaks. "I'll figure something out ok?" she says reassuringly, obviously seeing the panic in my eyes.

"Thank you," I say. I can hear my voice trembling as she pulls me into her arms.

"You're a good friend Athrun," she says softly. "Listen, in the morning go to your apartment and I'll contact you then. Just keep him safe until you hear from me ok?"

"Thank you," I whisper again.

We wake to the sound of Nicol's alarm clock, but unlike most days, we all spring out of bed and into our clothes. Its 7:00 and I've never felt more awake in my life. For this I am thankful though, since the task at hand isn't going to allow laziness. We quickly and silent pack as many of Hylas's belongings into four duffle bags in order to keep it from looking too suspicious.

We board the early shuttle, and are whisked into town. Once in my apartment, I sigh in relief, but the job isn't over yet. I realize that once the tests results are released, the authorities will likely immediately begin searching for him. Kicking myself for having to do this to him, I grab as many blankets and pillows from various parts of the apartment as possible without making the place look too picked over, and shove them and Hylas into the cupboard behind the bookshelf. We make the room as comfortable as we can for him, and then Kira and I take turns staying with him while Nicol goes to look for some sort of medicine. When I first found that closet, I'd hoped that I'd never have to see it again.

I sit on the couch alone while Kira watches over Hylas. I'm completely distraught. I can't bear the thought of losing Hylas, or worse, the thought of him dying. When it's my turn to sit with him, I try to hide my feelings from him, hoping to keep him from feeling the same. His health is only getting worse; he's in and out of consciousness and his fever is only getting higher. Worse yet, he continues to cough up blood. I don't know much about diseases like this since coordinators can't get them, but for him to be coughing up this much blood I know it has to be serious. It scares the crap out of me.

I sit on a chair beside the pathetic excuse for a bed that we've created for him. I'm sure he's not exactly feeling the discomfort right now though. His face is paler than it was before, and sweat pours down his forehead. I gently place a moist cloth above his eyes, and he lifts his hand to hold it in place.

"Thanks," he says, forcing his lips to curl into a weak smile.

I can barely keep back the tears as I stare down at what's left of my best friend. "Hang in there, we'll get you out." I say, desperately clinging to my words, hoping to encourage myself as much as him.

"Athrun," Hylas says quietly,

"Yeah," I reply, silently screaming at myself not to cry.

Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry. Be strong for Hylas. I bite my bottom lip, nervously awaiting what he has to say.

"When I was at the orphanage, I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't know why my parents abandoned me. They told me that they were taking a vacation and that I would be staying there until they returned. When they didn't return, I asked why. The people who worked there tried to tell me there had been an accident and that they had died. But as I grew older and realized I didn't have the same skill and ability as the other coordinators at the orphanage, I figured it out. They had left me there because I was useless to them; I wasn't what they wanted. I don't know if it was that my eyes were the wrong colour, if I wasn't fit enough, if I wasn't skilled enough, but regardless of their particular reason, I still wasn't good enough. They never even gave me a chance. When I turned eight, I made a solemn vow to myself that I would work and train until I could live up to the standards of a coordinator, even if it killed me. I would rather die than live my life constantly feeling unworthy. When I got there, I would find them and prove to them that I didn't need to be genetically engineered to be good enough for them." Hylas stops speaking abruptly and coughs as a spatter of blood sprays onto his pillow.

I can't hold it in anymore, I can feel the tears run down my face as he pours his heart out to me. It all makes sense now, his slow development, his lack of accomplishment, and most of all; his determination. I also realize now, kicking myself for not seeing this sooner, why he's so emotionally unstable. I was always so worried about my own problems that I failed to see that he was really suffering. Knowing that his parents didn't want him, what could be more heart breaking?

"Hylas," I say, taking his cold hand in mine, "You will get there. You will get there and you will prove to yourself that you're worth something. To me you've already proven it. I see it every day through your determination. You're worth so much more than you will ever know, and you've given me a sense of self worth as well, just by being my friend. You don't need to prove anything to anyone but yourself. What your parents did was pathetic and cowardly, not unlike my own father, but you can't control that. All you can do is live your life day by day for yourself and for no one else. What I've learned from my father is that you can try to please someone all your life, and despite what you accomplish you may never succeed in pleasing them. All that this leads to is never ending sorrow. That's why you need to live your life for you. Set goals for yourself, and do what you have to in order to get there." I feel the tears falling down my cheeks, and Hylas has tears in his own eyes.

"Thank you, Athrun," he says quietly, closing his eyes. As he drifts off to sleep, his hand falls allowing the face cloth to fall from his face. I gently take the cloth and hold it back on his burning forehead. Tears continuously fall from my eyes as I watch his chest rise and fall, assuring me that he's still alive.

There's a loud knock on the door, Kira pokes his head in. He glances at Hylas's sleeping body, and then at me. He offers a sympathetic look as he sees that I've been crying, "Lacus is on the phone," He says quietly. I don't know whether he realizes, or cares for that matter, that he used her real name.

I stand up, carefully balancing the cloth on his head before exiting the room. As I duck out through the door, I inhale a deep breath of fresh air, and I feel my tears begin to dry. Kira hands me the phone. Before I have a chance to speak her high pitched voice echo's through the receiver.

"Athrun!"

Ignoring the pain in my ear, I reply, "Lacus, did you come up with something?!" I demand, immediately feeling guilty for placing so much responsibility on the young girl. But I know if anyone can do it, it's her.

"Yes," the highly anticipated word rings through my head, somewhat calming my nerves, "he will be out of there tonight. I know you will be strongly questioned, so I think it's best if I don't tell you the details now. It will be easier to keep it confidential if you don't know. All you have to do is go back to the academy like you normally would, and the rest will be taken care of. Athrun, I know this is hard for you, are you doing alright?" She asks me, a deep concern within her voice.

I force a composed tone, "Yes, are you sure though? Will this work?" I need confirmation. I need to know that he's going to be ok.

"Yes. I can guarantee his safety as long as he isn't found before we get to him. Just go back to the academy. The further you are from him, the safer he'll be."

Her words pierce through me like a thousand needles. _The further you are from him, the safer he'll be._ "I understand, thank you." I say, letting a slight hint of anguish display itself in my words. I can't help it. She hangs up on the other end, and I put down the phone. By the time I reenter the cupboard, Kira has filled Hylas in on the plan. Nicol enters the apartment, scaring the crap out of us, and then Kira and Nicol stand watch while I keep an eye on Hylas.

"Athrun?" He whispers to me as I sit down.

"Hylas?"

"Listen, I would rather die here in this closet than be Patrick Zala's example to use against the naturals," he says. I stare into his teary eyes; his face is paler than I've ever seen it.

"Hylas, we're going to get you out of here. I don't care if I end up having to get on a bus with you myself. I'm not letting you die here," I take a gulp of air between tears, "I promise."

Again, he displays a small smile, forced or not, it's a smile.

We quiet down as we hear a knock at the front door, followed by the sound of men's voices. They're here to check the apartment. I know the bookshelf is against the cupboard door, and I pray that we won't be found. My heart pounds and I fear the sound will give us away as I hear Kira speaking to the men.

"I'm sorry sir; I don't know where Athrun or Hylas are. We usually separate from them in the morning, and then meet back here but there has been no sign of him." Kira says in a naive tone. I'm sure what he's saying will come back to bite me in the ass later, but right now all that matters is that Hylas isn't found.

"Are you aware that he's with a wanted criminal?" The man asks. "And is this not Athrun Zala's apartment?"

"Yeah it is, but we all have keys. It's kind of like our home away from the academy." Nicol insists.

"If you don't mind, we'd like to look around," says one of the guards.

"Uh, sure. It's a pretty small place, but knock yourself out." Kira says confidently. I'm so glad I'm not out there, there's no way I would be able to remain as composed as Kira and Nicol.

I hold my breath as I hear footsteps enter the bedroom, and I only pray that Hylas doesn't cough. My heart continues to thud in my ears, so loudly that I don't know if the man is still in the room. Finally, I hear the apartment door close, and the bookshelf is pulled away. What if they didn't actually leave? What if they found the cabinet?

I watch nervously as the door opened, only to reveal Kira's thin stature and Nicol's light hair. I heave a sigh of relief, and they leave the door open and allow us to continue talking.

"There's something I want you to have," Hylas whispers, his eyes still set on the wall across from him. He tries to sit up, and I help him gently into a sitting position. He reaches behind his neck as I continue to support him, and pulls a necklace that I've never seen before from under his shirt. He lets the chain fall into his hand before placing it in mine. I cast a confused glance down at my hand, and then to him.

"I can't wear it where I'm going. I want you to keep it." He says, laying back down and coughing again. It seems sitting up drained him of the small amount of strength he had left. I open my hand to see a thing chain entwined around a small pendant containing the symbol of the PLANTs.

"A b-boy that I grew up with at the orphanage gave it to me," he shivers as he talks, I'm not sure if he's cold or nervous, or just sick. "It's always k-kind of symbolized my m-motivation, but other than that it doesn't have much s-sentimental value to me," he says, his words growing thin. He coughs again and closes his eyes. "K-keep it for me, ok? Don't f-forget me," he says quietly, letting out a deep sigh and drifting out of consciousness.

"I could never forget you," I whisper quietly. I know he can't hear me, but I watch his chest rise and fall again, making sure he's still breathing. Tears flow freely down my face as I treasure my last few minutes with him before Kira comes and tells me it's time. I take one last look at him before closing the door to the cupboard, knowing that it's likely that I'll never see him again.

I leave my apartment separate from Kira and Nicol, just in case the guards are still around. I exit through the underground parking lot, stopping to grab my sunglasses from my car to hide my bloodshot eyes, and make my way to where I'm to meet up with the rest of the group to head back to the academy. Kira had instructed that we all keep our composure while on the shuttle to keep ourselves from looking suspicious

The ride back seems longer than usual, and I can't help but resent the happily laughing students filling the rest of the shuttle. It seems that being in the city has breathed life back into the other students, where as for me, it's done quite the opposite. I stare silently out the window, my head pressed into my seat so that no one can see the tears pooling in my eyes. All I've ever wanted to do is protect Hylas, but in the end I couldn't do it. I feel responsible for what happened to him. Maybe if I hadn't forced him to go to the infirmary, or maybe if I'd tried to take care of his health better. Lacus's words ring through my head. _The further you are from him, the safer he'll be. _I can feel a new wave of tears leak through my clenched eye lids. I only ever wanted to help him, to make his life happier. I have no way of knowing if I'll ever be able to speak to him again, or if he'll even survive. For all I know he could die in my closet.

I jump as I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I carefully look over to see Kira's teary eyes smiling back at me. "You did so much for him Athrun. You helped him become a better soldier, a better person. You should be proud of yourself for that." I can hear the pain in Kira's words. I can feel that none of us, myself especially, will ever be the same again.

That evening, our group is called into the common room and Mu gives a brief rundown of the situation. I sit staring at the floor in my usual recliner. I'm aware that my eyes are bloodshot, and that it's fairly obvious to anyone with eyes that I've been crying, but I'm past the point of caring. They'll all know why in a few minutes anyway. Kira and Nicol both bear the same expression and teary eyes as I do. I however, am unable to cry. I've been crying since we returned to the academy over two hours ago, and I have nothing left. I just stare wide eyed at the floor, the no longer shocking events replaying themselves over and over in my mind.

I can hear Mu's voice, but I've completely lost track of what he's saying. I know the story better than him or anyone else anyway. I glance up as I see two men in uniforms enter the room, and immediately lock their glares onto me. My heart stops. Lacus was right.

"Athrun Zala, we have a warrant for your arrest," the taller man says.

"Please stand up," says the shorter of the two. Without giving me a chance to comply, he grabs my arm and pulls me to my feet.

"WHAT – are the charges," Mu demands in my defense.

"We have security footage of Mr. Zala consorting with a spy from the Earth Forces," the man says. My eyes widen in disbelief. _So that's how they're playing this._

My arms are thrust roughly behind my back as a set of handcuffs are locked tightly around my wrists. I let out an involuntary heave as I'm forced from the room, and marched out of the building. I can feel eyes piercing me with their stares from every angle. I hang my head and let my hair fall over my face, attempting to hide from their glances. Before I realize what is happening, I feel myself shoved into a car, and the door is shut behind me.

* * *

**There you go, chapter 12. Sorry, I couldn't help but leaving it at a bit of a cliff hanger! The next chapter will be up soon! Even faster depending on the number of reviews!**

**Cheers!**


	13. Chapter 13: A Father's Loyalty

I awaken to the feeling of water running down my face. Did I sleep walk into the shower again? The room smells of dampened, stale metal and drywall, as if I'm in an unfinished basement. Without opening my eyes I can tell that the room is bright. Where am I? Is this a dream? Why can't I move? There's a strange tension in my shoulders; what's going on?

"Wake up, Zala," an unfamiliar voice says. I open my eyes slowly, only to be blinded by the glare of two irregularly bright lights shining in my face. I realize now that I hadn't been dreaming about the water, as my head is drenched. I also discover that the reason I can't move is because my wrists are tied tightly behind my back, binding me to a tall chair. Where the hell am I and how did I get here? Why can't I remember anything? Wait, I was sitting in the common room when two officers came in and then… I must have fallen asleep in their vehicle. Or did they drug me? My head is killing me. My dripping hair hangs over my eyes blocking my view; not that I can see past the lights anyway. Is this some kind of sick interrogation about something? Wait... Hylas! That's why I'm here. But this is a bit outside of protocol isn't it? I cough quickly; my throat is extremely dry. I hear the sound of a plastic bottle hit the floor. Whoever did this must have dumped a bottle of water over my head to wake me up. He's standing behind the lights to put himself out of my range of vision.

"You know why you're here, kid?" a second man speaks. His voice is much clearer than the first.

"What?" I reply in a dazed tone. Of course I know why I'm here, but if I try to come off as confused maybe they will go easy on me. But judging by the manner in which they've treated me this far, I can only assume this isn't going to go well.

"You were caught on camera with an earth forces spy," he continues.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say quietly.

"You recognize THIS person?" The man says angrily, pushing a photo into my face. I squint my eyes, and I can vaguely make out an image of Hylas.

"What are you talking about, he isn't an enemy," I say in an intentionally naïve tone, "he lives in my dorm."

"Don't play stupid with us, we know you helped him escape; now where is he?" the first man says loudly.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I repeat, turning my head away from the lights. I flinch as I see a fist just before it makes contact with my right cheek.

"WHERE IS HE?"

I shut my eyes tightly. Stunned and in pain, I turn the right side of my face away from him.

I see how it is.

"I don't know," I say as calmly as I can, rubbing my throbbing cheek on my shoulder in attempt to soothe the pain. I'm scared stiff. What are they going to do to me? I have no idea where he is. I see now why Monica didn't tell me anything. The man swings around and strikes me again, this time, harder and on the left side of my nose. I've never been hit so hard in my life. What do I do? I can feel my body shaking as I will myself not to cry. What are they going to do to me if I don't give them an answer? Should I make something up?

"Listen boy, this friend of yours could be relaying information back to the earth forces. How else would they have foreseen our last battle plans?" The first man says in a calmer, but still rough tone. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Hylas has no contact with anyone on earth. According to genetic testing he's still a coordinator. I guess they must have gotten his test results. They probably think that because he's partially a coordinator, he's actually a spy for them.

"Now where is he? We know you had something to do with his departure from the facility!"

"I don't know!" I say louder, my voice trembling. The man turns as if he's going to walk away, but he swings around and punches me square in the left eye, harder than before. My vision goes dark and I clench my teeth tightly. I can feel my nose bleeding on to my lips, and I spit what tastes like a mouthful of blood onto the floor. My body goes limp, putting an intense pressure on my shoulder as my head falls forward. If I wasn't tied back I would collapse to the ground. I can feel a mixture of water, blood, sweat, and tears rolling down my face. Am I going to die? Will they kill me if I don't give them an answer? He hits me again. My head is becoming numb and I can hardly feel his strikes.

"Had enough yet boy?" The first man asks arrogantly. I don't answer; I continue to sniffle softly between gasps for air. Does my father know this is happening? I was arrested by officers after all, did he authorize it? This doesn't seem like it should be within the law. Why is this happening? I attempt to look up, but my left eye is already swollen shut. I have no doubt that my nose is broken; I can feel it with every sob.

"That good for nothing natural scum… stupid creatures don't deserve to exist!" the man mutters under his breath. "And that animal, pretending to be a coordinator, such filth!" I can't stand it anymore. The man is within reach; I stretch my leg out and kick him as hard as I possibly can, making direct contact with the side of his knee. I immediately regret doing this. I'm in no position to fight back; he could easily kill me right here and now.

"You little BASTARD!" The man lunges forward and I brace myself for the blow, but he stops at the sound of an unmistakably familiar voice.

"Enough," the voice says calmly. I glace around the room, but I can see no one. He's behind the lights.

"B-but sir, I almost –" the man says, still panting a little and cowering over his knee.

"Enough," he repeats as he walks slowly into my line of sight. I can see him only slightly through my blurred vision, but even if I couldn't see him, there would still be no doubt in my mind of who he is.

"Father?"

"Athrun," he says, reluctantly greeting me. I don't believe it. He was watching the entire time. He must have planned this. I stare at him in astonishment as a drop of blood falls from my face and hits my jeans. How could he?

"Where is he, Athrun?" he asks in a relaxed voice. He looks at me as though I'm an accused criminal rather than his son.

"I have no idea," I reply.

"If he spills anymore of our military secrets, we could be finished. Do you realize how serious this is?" He says in a slightly harsher tone

"I don't know where he is." I say calmly. I'm confident that the beatings are over.

"A traitor in our midst and my son looks like his biggest supporter," my father says in a frustrated manner, turning away from me. "What a disgrace."

"He's not a traitor!" I yell as the pain surges through my head. "And I'm not a disgrace," I sob uncontrollably.

"Where is he?!" My father yells ruthlessly. Then he lifts his hand, and runs it over what I assume to be a gun on his belt; his eyes never leaving my face. I've never seen a look like this on his face. I stare at him, stunned. He wouldn't. Yes he would. What do I say? Am I going to die? I hang my head and sob.

"I don't know," I say between sobs. I can't take this anymore. I can't think straight, and I don't know how to answer anymore. My head is killing me. I leave my head down, waiting to hear the gun cocked. I hear footsteps; I brace myself for what is to come. But… they sound like they're moving away from me. I look up to see my father walking away from me.

"That's enough, leave him," my father says.

My head shoots up; are they going to release me? My father leaves my line of sight, and returns to the place in the room where I can't see him. One of the guards nods in my father's direction as he walks around the lights and comes up behind me, grabbing a fist full of my hair and painfully jerking my head in his direction. "You might want to think things over carefully, kid."

I know my father is still watching me, and as soon as my captor releases my head, I look up the direction that I would assume him to be in, and let the tears fall freely down my face. How could he do this to me?

Shortly after, the lights shining on me are turned off, and I hear three sets of footsteps leave the room. I'm left alone in the dark room. Where am I? There is no light whatsoever in the room, not even coming from under the door. I close my eyes; my left eye burns as I clench my teeth in anguish. Part of me wishes that they would have just drugged me again. I guess that means they'll be back. I struggle painfully against my bonds, but it's no use. How long will they leave me here? Will they return to torture me again? I'm having difficulty breathing, as my nose burns with every breath and I can hardly breathe through my mouth. My throat feels dry as I struggle to cough.

I begin to slowly lose track of time, although every painstaking moment seems to drag on for an eternity. I find myself counting the seconds to try to estimate how long I've been here. I have no idea. I feel as though I'm becoming delirious; although I may just be falling asleep. I feel a drop of what I assume to be blood fall from my chin. I twist my left hand slightly, only to feel the rope cut painfully into my already raw skin. I don't understand how my father could watch his only family member endure this. Does he feel any remorse? Does he really think that Hylas is a spy? Or is he just trying to set an example to other naturals. Why would he go to such extreme measures? Is he merely trying to prove a point to the naturals? Does he think he'll look bad if Hylas gets away? He knows that Hylas isn't a spy; he could easily trace his records to find that information. I don't think he's ever even been to earth. Unless he's there now… I suppose that's the safest place for him now. I wonder if he even made it out of here. Did he die in my closet? Was he found and taken prisoner? No… otherwise this wouldn't be happening to me. I can't believe he's gone. I already miss him so much.

As I ponder the memories I have with Hylas, I feel myself begin to lose consciousness. I struggle to stay awake, not knowing what might become of me if I fall asleep, but it's no use. And then a darkness that I could never have imagined overcomes me. I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

I'm jolted awake by what I find to be nothing in particular. I'm afraid when I open my eyes, because I only see more darkness. Am I blind? No. I'm still here. I try to move my arms, but it only confirms that I'm still stuck in this god forsaken hell-hole. How long was I asleep for? I stretch out my legs, but they ache from being in the same position for an extended period of time. My neck too, aches; I must have let my head fall to one side or something while I was asleep. I blink over and over, but still nothing comes into focus. I don't know how long I've been here for or how long I was asleep. I curl my toes in my shoes, allowing them to crack and relieve the tension in my feet; the only part of my body I'm able to move without pain. As much as I don't want to think about it, I can't help but wonder what's going to happen to me. I twitch my nose, but wince due to the pain. It has to be broken. I know better than to try to swallow, as it won't work and it will only make me realize how dry my throat is.

My entire body aches, but it's nothing compared to the pain of remember my father watching me as his guards ruthlessly try to beat Hylas's location out of me. And not near as painful as watching Hylas suffer and saying goodbye to him. I feel a tear come into my eye, but it quickly disappears. There's no point in crying. Part of me wishes that someone would come back and hit me again. At least then my mind would be taken away from its present thoughts. I twist my left wrist against the ropes that bind it, allowing for the rough material to further cut into my already raw flesh. My spine quickly twitches in disgust. Why!? Why am I trying to hurt myself when my father is already doing such a damn good job of it!? I can't help myself now, and a hot tear burns my already stinging cheek as it falls from my right eye. I hope to God that Hylas is ok. I hope that he's in a better place than me. When I think about it, I'd rather be the one enduring this than him since I know that he would most definitely be killed.

After what seems like hours, I hear the door open, and a silhouette enters the room. The light to my right is turned on, and I clench my eyes tight as its intensity burns through my head. As I slowly open my eyes, I see that my father is standing alone in front of me. He brings a bottle of water into my view and holds it to my lips. I cautiously drink from the bottle, my eyes not leaving his face, until he pulls it away, apparently satisfied that I've had enough water to allow me to speak. It's hardly enough to quench my overwhelming thirst, but it soothes my aching throat and I attempt to clear it.

"Athrun, I need to know where he is," my father says calmly.

I sob slightly. "I don't know," I say through a hoarse voice.

"I have footage of you speaking with him the day before he disappeared."

I don't reply. How do I get myself out of this one?

"When was the last time you saw him?" he says, sounding more annoyed.

I hesitate slightly. "Y – yesterday, he came into town with us, but then he was gone," I sob. I guess I'm not completely lying. He did disappear from town.

"Athrun! This is the last time I'm going to ask you; where is he?" He presses.

"I don't know!" I say, choking and coughing loudly.

I look up as he turns his back to me. He sighs loudly, and turns to face me again. In his right hand he holds a gun pointed to the floor.

"Where is the natural?!" He booms, raising his right hand, pointing the gun directly at me. I stare horrified down the barrel. I can feel the blood drain from my face; is it over? Is he actually going to shoot me? Kill me? I sniffle painfully, and look up into his cold sinister eyes; I stop sobbing, but the tears continue to silently fall down my cheeks. I had never seen an expression like this on my father's face until earlier today when he was stroking the gun on his belt. Does he really mean to kill me?

"You're a pathetic sight. I thought the military would be good for you, but I can see it's only made you more of a coward. You would betray your own nation, your own family, only to protect a traitor. This is your last chance. Where is he!?" He yells bitterly, cocking the gun.

I look up at his face, utterly shocked. Then I lower my head.

This is it; it's over.

He pulls the trigger.

Pain.

Darkness.

I'm still alive? I open my eyes to be blinded once again by bright lights. Am I still here? I still can't move; I try with everything I have, but still nothing. Then I see it again, like it never went away. My father's menacing eyes staring down at me, his right hand brandishing a sleek handgun. I feel myself cry out.

No! Stop! Don't shoot! Mother!

"Athrun!" My name is being called.

The gun in cocked.

Stop! Please!

"Athrun. It's ok."

I open my eyes to see Monica's face. I sigh deeply. She leans back, and I look around to see that I'm in the infirmary. My head is still aching.

"Where… how did I get here?" I ask, finally finding the strength to move my left hand to my eye. It wasn't a dream; my eye is still swollen. I find white bandages wrapped around my wrist, obviously covering the marks from where the ropes had been. _So it was all real._

"There will be time to explain later. Just relax. Everything's alright now," she says reassuringly. She takes my hand in hers and runs her fingers lightly over the bandages on my wrist. I've felt this feeling before, except this time I didn't do it to myself.

"Father," I say, moving to sit up. A blinding pain shoots through my right arm and I cry out as I drop back down to the bed. A dull pain engulfs my shoulder.

"Don't move your arm, Athrun. You were shot," she says hesitantly. "It's isn't serious though, it only grazed your shoulder. Your nose is broken too, but you're going to be ok. They said you could leave when you woke up," she says, placing a hand on my forehead, brushing my hair out of my face.

"How long have I been here?" I ask, still confused.

"Only a few hours," she says, not wanting to go into further detail. "Here, drink this," she says, handing me a bottle of water. "You're very dehydrated. You should get your strength back soon."

I take the bottle in my left hand and drink form it thirstily. The cool liquid soothes my throat as I empty the bottle, and I can feel my headache begin to subside. I sigh deeply and pass the bottle back to Monica.

She puts a hand gently on my shoulder, "are you ok?" she asks, smiling.

"Yeah, thanks," I lie. Physically I'll be fine, mentally, I'm not so sure.

"Once you're ok to get up, we can go somewhere and talk," she says nervously.

"I'm good, help me up," I say, pulling the blankets off me to reveal nothing but a pair of white boxers I've never seen before. I quickly see Monica's face turn red, and I feel my own do the same as I whip the blankets back over me.

My eyes widen with embarrassment, "uh – sorry," I manage to say.

"I'm just gonna wait outside," Monica says, her face still beat red as she stands up to exit the room.

I sigh as my heart beat slows. What the hell? I never embarrass myself in front of her! Not anymore anyway! And why does hospital underwear have to be so small and revealing?! I thought they were supposed to _save_ you the humiliation of being seen by unwanted onlookers!

I sigh again as my thoughts drift back. I close my eyes, only to see the gun pointed in my face again. I shake my head in attempt to rid myself of the horrible image.

At least it took my mind off of it for a few moments. I think I'd rather suffer chronic humiliation right now rather than have to think about what happened. Not that I'm not going to have to suffer both when my classmates catch sight of my horrid state. Ugh!

I finally pull the blankets off me, and look around the room to make sure it's clear before pulling my pants off of the shelf and carefully putting them on without the use of my right arm. I then carefully slide my useless arm through my _long sleeved_ shirt – courtesy of Monica I would assume – and pull it over my head. I stumble slightly as my head rushes, and I sit down on the bed to pull on my shoes. I then run my fingers through my hair; I can tell by the lack of caked blood that it's been washed. I head for the door, but stop and mentally order the humiliated look to leave my face. Deciding that there's no point, I leave the room to meet Monica.

When I exit the room, I don't see her anywhere. Has my vision gotten worse since I woke up? An old man, a janitor I think, catches me off guard.

"Are you looking for a pretty girl with dark hair?" the old man says in a rugged voice.

"Uh, yes. Did you see her?" I ask, wondering who he is.

"She said to tell you she would meet you later on, and that she had to go meet with the commander," he says, then he narrows his eyes playfully at me, "she'll meet you later," he winks, elbowing me in the arm. It takes me a second to realize what he's implying, and I feel a look of disgust crawl across my face. I reluctantly thank him and walk away.

Now what? Why did she leave so quickly? Did someone find out she helped Hylas? I shake my head as I try to rid the awful images from my mind. I guess I'll just go back up to the dorm. I don't really want to be seen by anyone right now.

"Athrun?!" Kira's voice sounds shocked as I enter the dorm. "What happened to you?"

I glance around the dorm. Nicol isn't around, and I stare longingly at Hylas's bed. We're alone.

"I thought they were just going to take you downstairs and question you. It's been 2 days. Where were you?" Kira asks, an exasperated expression on his face. I guess Lacus hasn't talked to him yet. This isn't really a story I'm ready to relive. I honestly saw myself crying and cutting over it before I told anyone. I run my fingers over my left wrist; there's no need, there are already numerous gashes from the ropes. I pull my sleeves down over my knuckles and bunch the fabric in my hands nervously.

"That's what I thought too." I sigh deeply and climb up to Kira's bed. As I get closer he notices my black eye as well as the abundant small cuts on my face.

"Did they…?" Kira's voice is filled with shock as he realizes only the beginning of what happened. "They tried to torture his whereabouts out of you?"

"Not they. My father," I say simply, leaning my back against the wall and extending my left arm to rest on my elevated knee. I look at Kira's face; he's too shocked to speak. "I woke up in a room I'd never seen before. Fortunately for Hylas, I didn't have any information to give."

"Fortunately for Hylas?! What about you!? Did you tell them anything?"

"No." I fold my right arm across my chest, allowing it to sink into my lap.

Kira looks closely at my face, "there's more isn't there?" I hesitantly show him the bandages on my wrists and his face almost turns green as he realizes what happened. "Are you serious? I – I don't understand how he could do that? How could he even stomach that?" Kira says loudly. "What kind of father tortures his own son?!" Kira cries loudly.

"Shhh," I whisper, "can we not inform the whole C wing?" I'm sure they're already suspecting.

"Sorry, I just don't get it…" Kira says wretchedly.

"That isn't all…" I trail off. I don't really want to tell him this. I don't know if I _can _tell him this. I cross my legs and wrap my left hand around my right bicep, making my injury evident. Kira leans forward, averting his attention to my right arm. I place my hand cautiously on my shoulder, "He shot me, Kira." I look up into my best friend's eyes, only to see them widen with a horror I've never seen before. I feel my own eyes fill with tears as I look away and pull my shirt back to reveal the mass of bandages above my collar bone.

"Athrun…" Kira begins, as if to try to comfort me, but nothing comes out.

I sniffle loudly, feeling the pain in my nose. I swallow the lump in my throat and force myself to speak again. "I thought he was going to kill me." Kira places his hand lightly on my shoulder.

I jump a little as I hear a firm knock on the door. Before we can reply, Monica pokes her head in, and seeing that no one else is around, she quickly glances behind her before hurrying up onto Kira's bed as well.

"Where did you go?" I ask; trying to hide the fact that I've been crying even though I know there isn't much point.

"I just had to talk to commander La Flaga. You don't have to return to class until you feel fit. You don't even need to leave this room if you don't feel up to it. Are you ok?" She asks, changing the subject. She sits to my right, and I move a little closer to Kira to make room for her. Can these beds even hold this many people?

"Yeah. How did I get back here?" I ask seeing as Monica seems to know something I don't.

She looks around, then gestures for Kira and I to bring our heads in close. "My father found you. He'd caught wind of the news that you'd been brought in for questioning, but when he didn't find you in any of the interrogation rooms he knew something was wrong. He said it was then that he heard the gun shot. He found you in the basement of the supreme council office building; you were alone when he got to you. He messaged me to tell me that he was bringing you here."

"So then there's a good chance my father doesn't even know I'm gone yet," I say hesitantly.

"Well it's been a while now, I'm sure he's figured it out."

"But will your father take the blame? What will happen to him?" Kira asks Monica.

"Patrick Zala might be angry with him, but what he did was against the law, so there isn't a whole lot he can use against my father," Monica says calmly.

"Yeah I guess that makes sense," Kira comments.

I lose track of what Lacus and Kira are saying, and my father's words begin to replay in my mind. '_You would betray your own nation, your own family…" _It's kind of an ironic statement when he's the one pointing the gun in my face. '_You're a pathetic sight!'_

I feel a tear leave the outside edge of my eye. I think of Hylas. I wonder where he is. Please let him be ok. After all of this, he has to be ok.

"Athrun?" Kira's voice echoes though my head, bringing me back to reality.

"Sorry," I say, slightly startled. I watch as Kira and Lacus exchange worried glances.

"Athrun…" She whispers sadly, putting her hands gently on my shoulders and pulling me closer to her. She wraps her arms around my chest and rests her chin lightly on my shoulder. "I know this is a rough time for you, just like it is for all of us, but we're here for you," she says softly.

"You carry the word on your shoulders, man, let us help lighten the load," Kira offers.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel the lump in my throat return, and all I want to do is cry out.

Lacus obviously sees this displayed on my face. "Athrun, it's ok to cry. It's all part of the healing process." At this I sniffle loudly and burry my face in her shoulder. She wraps her arms around my back and I let myself go. I hear Kira move closer as I sob like a baby, and I feel his hand on my shoulder. Lacus takes my hand in hers and squeezes it tightly as she too begins to cry. Kira moves closer still, and wraps one arm around Lacus and one around me. The three of us remain huddled there sobbing.

"We'll get through this," Lacus whispers, "together."

I may have lost two family members today, but my two best friends remain by my side, and I know Lacus's words are true. We will get through it.

* * *

**As promised, chapter 13 is posted in timely fashion! So what did you think? Seriously, I'm curious to hear what you have to say about it. I do my best to respond to reply to every review given, and I would love to hear from you! **

**So a couple of things I wanted to note... First off, this is NOT an AthrunxLuna fic. I guess it wasn't quite clear that it was supposed to be a mistake on Athrun's part. Sorry, that was my bad as the writer. I still haven't quite decided what kind of pairings to use for Athrun... for the time being I guess Athrun has a lot of other stuff to think about lol. **

**Second, for anyone interested in what Hylas looks like, a friend was kind enough to draw him based on how I described him. You will find the URL below. You should check out his other art on Deviant Art... he's quite the artist and the writer! He goes by the name of Disco Prince on fanfic. So check him out!**

**http: // arkv. deviantart .com/art/Hylas-140768532 (you have to take the spaces out... it wouldn't let me post a direct link. if you know of a way, let me know lol)**

**I mentioned a few chapters ago that I had some ideas for "theme" songs for this story. The song that I think fits best with Athrun and this story is "Survive" by Rise Against. If you haven't heard it, check it out on youtube or at least look at the lyrics. The other song, I guess the "end theme" song would be "That's Okay" by The Hush Sound. That one is a little harder to find, but if you can get a hold of the lyrics, you should. They're both great songs and great bands and they've inspired me a lot. If you have any other ideas for songs please let me know. I'd love to hear your take on it!  
**

**The next few chapters need some major editing, so I can't promise that the next one will be up as quickly as this one. But for now, you have lots to think about. As you've seen however, the more reviews I receive, the faster the story is posted!**

**Thanks for reading! **


	14. Chapter 14: The Unwelcomed Guest

I don't think a week has ever felt quite so long. I took five days off of school in attempt to hide my rugged appearance and to give my body a chance to heal, not that it did much healing; I still look like crap. It's an unusually dark Sunday evening, which I guess makes sense since we're in the middle of winter. The weather however, is doing nothing for my mood. Kira, Nicol and I have been moping around the academy like zombies since Hylas left. The only spurt of emotion that has crossed my mind other than blatant depression was anger the other day in martial arts. Shinn had brought a fist down on my right shoulder, and seeing the pain I was in, he said something that nearly caused steam to escape my ears. '_What's wrong with you now? Did you sleep with someone else's girl friend?'_

Just thinking about it now causes me to slam my fist into the side wall of the bus. If only he knew how it really happened. But he will never know, no one will. No one besides Lacus and Kira.

"Athrun?" Nicol turns around from the seat in front of me. "You ok?" He's obviously heard me hit the side of the bus.

"Huh? Yeah." He knows about the 'interrogation' with my father, but he doesn't know that I was shot. It's easy enough to cover up my feelings, since we all have so much weighing us down as it is; it's more a matter of covering up the physical mark and the pain earlier in the week.

What is usually a relaxing break for us, has turned out to only be more trouble. Kira had taken as much of Hylas's stuff as he could out of his drawers before guards had come into our room and basically destroyed it looking for evidence of his whereabouts. Today I brought it all to my apartment, in hopes that one day I'll be able to return it to him.

I wrap my right hand around the pendant that hangs around my neck, and my left subconsciously darts to my shoulder. Physically it doesn't hurt anymore, but I can't help but be reminded of what caused it whenever I feel the slightest tweak from the wound.

We wander past the common room toward the dorm. Our wing just seems empty now; a couple other students have already been sent out into the field on top of Hylas's disappearance. The thought of new students hadn't even crossed my mind until we walk into our dorm to find the lights on and a pile of suitcases beside Hylas's bed. I feel myself becoming enraged before I even realize what's going on. I hear the clicking of a keyboard, and look up to find what I would have thought to be a girl if he wasn't in a boys dorm.

The boy sitting atop Hylas's bed has a small, thin frame with unnaturally purple hair that barely touches his collar bones in the front and is slightly shorter in the back. His red, cat like eyes are covered by thin-framed large circular glasses. His body looks like that of an under developed woman, and his pale face, although still slightly 'pretty-boyish' is the only part of him that resembles a male.

I can't believe this, they replaced Hylas already? And just like that?! I only realize now that I've been shooting continuous dirty looks toward the boy since I first laid eyes on him. Thankfully, he still hasn't looked up at us. Is he deaf? Or just incredibly rude?

I walk over to my bed, and then discreetly glance back at the newcomer. He's wearing fitted dark jeans with a yellow dress shirt and a pink cardigan, something along the lines of what an old professor would wear – male or female. He is typing unnaturally quickly on a sleek professional looking laptop. He still hasn't noticed that we're in the room; or rather he's just choosing not to acknowledge us. All I've gotten from him since we walked in is bad vibes.

"Hi there!" Kira says in a friendly tone, "Are you our new roommate?" The boy continues to type on his computer, completely ignoring Kira's attempted welcome. "I'm Kira, and this is Nicol and Athrun," Kira continues. Finally the boy looks up from his laptop, only to flash the most frightening glance I think I've ever seen. Something about his eyes…

"Tieria Erde," he says simply, returning his glance to his keyboard. My heart stops for a split second. Did he say that or did I? His voice is eerily similar to mine. I glance over to Kira and then to Nicol who have both noticed too.

"Nice to meet you, Tieria," Kira says politely.

He looks at least a year or two older than us, and next to Yzak, I don't think I've ever met someone who has come off so arrogant.

I turn to face my bed; I can feel my face glowing with rage. How dare they replace Hylas like that! And with this moron?! Why is he such an ass? I suppose he has no clue what we're all currently going through, but that still doesn't give him a reason to act like a jerk.

"So Tieria, where did you come from?" Nicol asks in an effort to create conversation with the silent idiot. Again, Tieria completely ignores him. Part of me wants to climb up there and punch him, but seeing as I'm going to have to live with him, I think it best to leave him be for now. We'll see what he tries to pull later, then I will reevaluate my plan to launch my fist forcefully into his pretty face. I grin to myself guiltily.

Kira and Nicol continue to try to make small chat with him, but they're continuously ignored. Although I've only heard him speak once or twice, it still creeps me out how alike his voice is to mine.

"Athrun?" Kira asks, obviously repeating something that I missed during my scheming.

"Huh?" I grunt.

"We're going to the caf, wanna come?"

"Yeah, sure. Give me a sec." I say. Something catches my eye, and I catch Tieria's glance. He doesn't look quite so evil now, as he wears a confused expression, obviously noticing the alikeness of our voices.

I forcefully tear my stare away from him, and dig in my drawer to pull on my burgundy hoodie. As I look back in his direction, I see that he's now staring at my red shirt. I grin with a slight sense of pride before heading to exit the room.

"You sure you don't want to come?" Kira asks Tieria as he's walking through the door.

I shove Kira through the door with a slight push as I thankfully hear Tieria decline. I slam the door shut behind me as we head down the hall.

"Athrun, what's wrong with you?" Kira asks, slightly annoyed.

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with _me_??!!!" I say, outraged, "Are you kidding me? Were you not just in the same room as me? Hylas has been gone just over a week, and they've already replaced him, and with that asshole?! What's wrong with me?!?!??!!"

Kira cracks a smile, "calm down. He's not that bad. I'm sure he's just nervous."

"Are you joking? It's like having six Yzaks compiled into one little… girl!" I say repulsively. I can't believe Kira isn't supporting me in this. "Nicol, what do you think?" I shoot angrily in Nicol's direction.

Nicol cowers a little, a surprised expression on his face, "I don't think he's that bad. Like Kira said, he's probably just nervous."

"You guys have _got_ to be kidding me!" I almost shout, "the guy's a complete asshole!"

"Oooook Athrun, time to calm down. Let's just get you some nice supper. You get cranky when you don't eat," Kira says jokingly, playfully massaging my shoulders.

I almost lash out angrily at Kira, and I can see that he realizes it as well as he backs off. But I stop when I remember how supportive he's been these last couple of days. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am going over the top a little. But I still don't like the guy.

It's only after I finish eating and I'm getting up to dump my tray that I notice Tieria sitting alone in the far corner of the room eating a grilled cheese sandwich. "So he is human," I mumble to myself.

What's wrong with him? Does he not like us? Does he just not like anyone? I feel a pang of guilt race through my veins at seeing him alone. I still hope that the others don't notice him. I grunt to myself. _He's a jerk! _I tell myself, trying to persuade myself to continue to dislike him, _he replaced Hylas and he's being a total asshole!_ Despite all this, I can't help but feel a little sympathy.

"Hey look, there's Tieria," Kira says, almost excitedly.

Damnit.

"Why is he alone, we invited him to come with us," Kira says in a genuinely saddened tone.

"Guess he just doesn't like us," I mutter.

"Who doesn't like you?" Monica says as she sits down at our table.

I point over in Tieria's direction, "our overwhelmingly social and friendly new roommate."

"Aw come on Athrun, be nice," Nicol says, "He looked really busy earlier today anyway. Come on; let's go sit with him, he looks lonely.

"Hey, he knew we were here. If he wanted anything to do with us he would have sat with us," I say, hoping to avoid the extremely uninviting situation. Although I've never been a _fan_ of meeting new people, I don't think I've ever been this declined to it.

"I'm going over there," Kira says standing up.

I glance over to Tieria only to see his shoulders tense. He's obviously heard us. He doesn't look quite as egotistical now that he's not perched proudly at his laptop. He looks almost as though he's trying to hide behind his sandwich. As we approach him, I see a familiar expression displayed upon his face, once I've seen plenty of times when I've looked in the mirror. His hair hangs over his face in a similar way that mine does. His body language and the way he carries himself display an utterly clear message to me: he's insecure.

However, I'm still too angry to feel sorry for him. He replaced Hylas, and he was a complete jerk to us not an hour ago. I reluctantly head for the place on the bench as far away as I can get from him.

"Hey, how's the grilled cheese?" Kira asks. "I always thought the food here was pretty good, but I found the grilled cheese sandwiches a little soggy. What do you think?" Kira strategically asks him a question that he can't just shrug off and avoid.

Tieria stares intently at the last quarter of his sandwich, "It's ok I guess," he answers. I can't believe how timid he sounds now that he's been basically backed into a corner by Kira. God he sounds like me.

"Is it cool if we sit with you?" Kira asks, sitting down beside him before he can reply. Nicol and I sit across the table.

"Hey Yamato, who's the new girl?" Yzak yells from across the room. I glance over to see Yzak and Dearka laughing arrogantly from across the room.

"Shut up, Yzak!" Kira yells back. "Don't worry about – "

Kira's reassuring words are cut off by Tieria, "I was actually just finishing. I have to go meet Commander La Flaga," he says in his resumed arrogant tone, standing up.

"Tieria, wait," Kira says, grabbing hold of Tieria's cardigan sleeve. "Let us at least show you around the academy later, or come to the fitness center with us." Kira's words are friendly and innocent, but the look in Tieria's crimson eyes is quite the opposite.

Tieria glances down at Kira's hand on his arm, "I have a lot of work to do before tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me," he says coldly, roughly pulling his arm out of Kira's grasp and picking up his tray.

"Ok, we'll see you back in the common room," Kira calls after him. Tieria keeps walking without looking back.

What a moron!

"Maybe we should give him some space. You know, let him get settled in? Maybe he'll lighten up then," Nicol says optimistically.

"Doubt it," I grunt to myself. I look over at Kira who looks almost hurt. All he did was try to make Tieria feel welcome. My expression changes from angry to sympathetic. Kira never gets shot down like that. This just increases my dislike for the new member of 3C4.

**********************************

We are assembled into the common room for one of Mu's regular last minute meetings at around 20:00. A flustered Tieria is introduced to us as our newest classmate _and_ fellow ZAFT Red. At the mention of this, Yzak's face turns a shade of red that I don't think I've ever seen before. Mu also has yet another important announcement.

"Due to recent events taking place on the battle field, the defense council has announced that a team of four or five students is to be selected from the academy to be sent out on a mission as a support group. Now seeing as our group has the most Red's, and the ministers seem to think it best to take soldiers who have trained together, the students will be chosen from our group. Just because Kira, Athrun and Tieria are Red's does not necessarily mean they will be the ones selected. I'm not entirely sure how the big weights up top make this selection, but the list will be posted tomorrow evening. If there are no questions, you are dismissed."

As soon as the chatter starts, the controversy surrounding Tieria becomes evident. Before anyone can say anything to him, he slips out of the room and sneaks back to the dorm. Although it would be expected that the conversations would revolve around the new mission, there seems to be far more discussion about Tieria. No one can figure out where he came from and why he just showed up and was immediately granted Red status.

"Look you guys," Kira begins as we head back to the dorm, "the pressure on Tieria must be overwhelming right now, so let's not press the matter. He seems pretty shaken up as it is."

"Yeah, I agree," Nicol says.

I reluctantly nod my head in agreement. To be honest, I don't really care where he came from, or why he's here for that matter.

We remain in the dorm with Tieria and we can hear the chatter coming from outside of the door. While Kira and Nicol do their best to be friendly with him, they don't press him for answers. We try to clean up the mess that had been made by the guards who ripped the room apart only a few days ago. While we clean, Tieria begins to unpack his stuff, still silent of course.

All of a sudden, the door bursts open, and an enraged platinum blonde teenager bursts through the door and immediately grabs Tieria by the collar of his shirt.

"Who do you think you are just marching in here like that with a red outfit!?" Yzak yells in Tieria's frightened looking face, "Where the hell did you come from? Are you related to Patrick Zala too?!"

"Yzak!" Nicol shouts, pulling him off the terrified looking purple haired teen.

"What!" Yzak demands, again inching closer to Tieria, "I'm sure you're all thinking it too! Except perhaps Zala here, you two are probably cousins or something. You both look and dress like women anyway," Yzak spits in my direction.

That's it; I can feel myself losing it. I grab Yzak's collar and throw all of my pent up rage into a punch that lands directly on his right eye. "That's enough! Now get the fuck out!!" I yell loudly, shoving him as hard as I can in the direction of the door. A slight redirection from Nicol, and he stumbles out into the hall only to have the door slammed in his face.

We're silent for a few seconds, the only noise in the room coming from me trying to catch my breath. I don't remember the last time I lost it like that. A few seconds later Kira and Nicol burst out laughing. Tieria looks at me as though I'm going to hit him next.

"Wow Athrun, way to lose your cool!" Kira laughs, slapping me in the back. I let out a proud grin. That felt good. Yzak is the most arrogant, proud person I know, and he never fails to piss me off. There is no one I'd rather take my anger out on than him. He got what was coming to him.

"Maybe stay clear of the guys in 3C3," I say, my first words to Tieria who surprisingly nods in acknowledgement.

Just because I defended Tieria does not in any way mean that I like him.

That evening we hit the hay early. It's been a disgustingly long week and all I want to do is drift into a dreamless state – emphasis on the dreamless… Unfortunately that hasn't happened since before I found out that Hylas was ill.

An unfamiliar sound comes from the usually silent far left corner of the room. Tieria has a strange breathing pattern; he isn't snoring, but it's a weird noise. Apparently I didn't release the entirety of my anger on Yzak, as I can feel my body tense as the sound grows louder.

Shut up Damnit!!

I still can't believe that they replaced Hylas so quickly, and with him.

Why won't he be quiet!?

I wonder where Hylas is. Perhaps in a hospital? An image of Hylas lying in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out from every square inch of his body fills my mind. I shake my head to rid myself of the image; I suppose it's better that than dead. I really hope he's ok. I hope he got out. Where did Lacus send him? I trust her judgment, but with such short notice, how good of a place could she have found? Will he be treated with the same dignity and respect he was treated with here? Will he have someone too look up to? Someone to care for him? I feel tears burning in my eyes.

Tieria's breathing grows louder, and I find myself kicking the wall. Not plainly out of anger, but in hopes that he might wake up and be quiet. No change. I sigh, and do the best I can to ignore it. I close my eyes, but the horrid image I've seen so many times in the past week fills my head again. My father's handgun.

'_Where is the natural?!'_

My hand moves on its own up to my shoulder as a familiar pain burns through my arm. I grit my teeth as the ghostly pain engulfs me.

I shake my head again. The image won't go away. I slam my forehead into the wooden rail of the bed. My head stings, but the image remains. Finally it leaves, and Hylas reenters my mind.

I can't take this anymore! My head spins and I quickly develop the urge to punch the already so dented locker as hard as I can, or rather Tieria's loud mouth. I pull my knees to my chest, and squeeze my arms tightly around them, burying my face in my knees. The images and thoughts still race through my head.

Go away; please go away.

Shaking, I reach out my right hand to pull the thumb tack out of my wall. This is the third time since the day I returned to the academy. The tack clenched between my curled pinky and ring finger, I pull my wrist band off and stow it safely under my pillow. The tack hovers above my wrist as the images continue to fly uncontrollably through my mind. I open my eyes, and with the small amount of light pouring into the room from the bathroom light, I press the tack against my skin. The instant the sharp object pierces my wrist, Tieria's loud breathing stops. I quickly look up, only to realize that my curtain is closed; he can't see me. I revert my focus back to the task at hand, and press the tack firmly into skin and drag it across my scarred wrist until a long sliver of blood leaks from my arm. The wound prickles lightly, and I dig the tack again into the start of the cut, and force it painfully across the already stinging incision. I take a deep breath, and push the pin back into the corner of my mother's photo. I let out a sigh of relief as the burning sensation overtakes my mind. I lay with my gracefully throbbing arm rested on my pillow and with my mind completely dazed, I stare up at the dark ceiling. Tears creep back into my eyes, and I let them fall from my face down the sides of my head where they pool on my pillow. I have no idea why I'm crying. My mind is completely blurred, and I make no effort to regain my thoughts as I drift out of consciousness.

************************************

With Hylas gone, I hear Nicol's alarm go off and realize that I'm to be the first to take a turn in the shower. Exhausted from my lack of sleep, I drag myself out of bed and nearly collapse to the floor upon jumping off my bunk. I close the bathroom door behind me and reluctantly turn on the light. I have no desire to see my sickening appearance at the moment, and I head straight for the shower. I wash my hair and then stand under the water, turning up the temperature allowing the heat to soothe my aching body. My mind still feels fuzzy from last night – like it still refuses to clearly comprehend one single thought, but maybe it's just because I'm still half asleep. The hot water hammers down on my shoulder, sending a dull pain through the right side of my upper body. I can feel the cuts on my wrist stinging, but I choose not to look down. What could have been a relaxing shower turns out to only cause me more pain, and I turn off the water and step out into the cool air of the bathroom. I bury my face in a towel and then shake out my hair causing water droplets to fly throughout the room. I dry myself, and then wrap my towel around my waist before finally staring into the mirror.

What I see disgusts me. It's easy to tell that I haven't eaten or slept properly in over a week. On top of that, I've been working myself to the bone in class and at the fitness center in order to keep my mind off of other things. My usually flat chest and stomach have receded, and my ribs are clearly outlined in a sickening manner. Even my face looks thinner. My normally bright green eyes are dull and bloodshot from the lack of sleep; they look somewhat similar to a dying Christmas tree. Under my left eye there remains a small reddish purple bruise, and on my shoulder, a large scabbed wound. Without having to look, I know my wrists bear small cuts all the way around from the ropes that bound me to my father's mercy. I glance down to my left to see that my wrist is bleeding from last night's episode.

_God, I'm a total fucking train wreck._

God Damnit – I turn on the cold water and wash away the blood. I pat my arm dry before digging in the cupboard for some sort of bandage. I watch the blood soak through the gauze as I layer it around my arm. _Did I really cut it that deep? _Using bandages always freaks me out, since a quick slip of the wrist band and my ugly habit is staring people in the face. I continue wrapping the gauze around my wrist until I can't see the blood anymore. Once taped, I pull my wrist band over, carefully covering the entire thing.

I'm startled as I hear a knock at the bathroom door, and I instinctively plunge my hand behind me. "Athrun, hurry up! We're gonna be late!"

Quickly pulling on my boxers and t-shirt, I open the door and throw my towel in Kira's face. "It's all yours, Mom," I say swiftly walking by him.

"God! What were you doing in there for so long?!" Kira asks.

"You probably don't want to know," Nicol comments, still sitting on top of his bunk. He's gotten into the habit of showering at night since he claims that we take too long.

"Oh shut up," I shoot back in an almost angry tone.

"I'm joking," Nicol insists happily, launching his pillow at my head. "Lighten up sour puss!"

I turn to him just in time for the pillow to hit me in the face. "Hey!" I complain, "That was uncalled for!" I pick up the pillow, ready to throw it back at him, but then I glance over at Tieria who is lying on his stomach with his elbows pulled onto his pillow and his chin resting on top of his hand. He snickers amusedly, and I feel the right side of my lips curl into a smile before throwing the pillow directly at his face. The pillow hits his head, causing his glasses to fall off of his face. I turn just in time to laugh into the palm of my hand without him seeing. I hear Nicol laughing from atop his bunk. Then I hear the pillow make contact with something again, and I turn to see Tieria with a grin on his face as Nicol jokingly rubs his cheek. They're both laughing now.

"Hey Athrun," Kira says, sticking his head out of the bathroom. He's completely drenched, as if he got out of the shower and walked straight to the door.

I glance at him seriously; did he see the blood somewhere? Crap, how do I cover this up? Say my shoulder opened? No, it's scabbed. I walk over to him and glance nervously at him, "yeah?" I can feel Nicol and Tieria staring down at him. Kira gestures with his finger to come closer so he can whisper something in my ear.

I put my head close to his, and he shakes his head violently, soaking my dry t-shirt with the water from his hair. He laughs hysterically as I growl back at him. "That's for taking so long in the shower! The water was freezing!" Kira says laughing.

"Thank you," I say sarcastically, pulling my shirt over my head. Kira's face hardens as he sees the scab on my shoulder. Only then do I realize it's in plain sight for Nicol and Tieria to see. I quickly grab another shirt from the drawer – specifically looking for a long sleeved one, trying desperately to keep my shoulder out of view.

"What's going on out here anyway? You guys sound like a bunch of zoo animals!" Kira asks, obviously trying to avert their stares to himself in order to give me time to cover my shoulder.

Tieria crawls back under his blankets to his usual antisocial state, and Nicol just laughs. Kira closes the bathroom door, and I pull on the rest of my clothing before digging in my locker for bag. I nervously pull my left sleeve down over my knuckles, bunching the fabric in my left hand.

A minute later, Kira exits the bathroom and he, Nicol and I go down to the cafeteria, our invitation to Tieria having been declined once again.

**********************************

I've grown to hate nights like this; nights where something important happens. The anticipation only adds to my recent stress levels. It's been a long Monday and I'm more than happy that it's almost over. As for the selection of students for this new mission, I really hope I'm not chosen.

Tieria remained antisocial today, and I seemed to find him in all of my classes except the mobile suit training class. He's a rather entertaining student. He was initially paired with Dearka in martial arts, but was quickly switched with Nicol to be paired with Yzak after easily flattening his former partner. Tieria may not look very strong, but to Yzak's surprise, he was quick and incredibly precise. It wasn't until academics that I grew overly frustrated with him. He obviously wasn't paying attention to the professor, but when he was called on, it took him only seconds to come up with the correct answer, only to prove the answer that had taken me a good five minutes to calculate was wrong. To my extreme delight however, he's absolute shit with a handgun, but I figure it's only a matter of time before he picks that up too. Like Kira, it seems like he's talented in every field. I can't help but wonder though if he's a pilot or not.

My question is answered when the list for the new mission is posted.

Shinn Asuka, Nicol Amalfi, Rey Za Burrel, Athrun Zala and Tieria Erde.

We're to depart in… 48 HOURS?!?!

I glace over to see that Yzak looks like he's going to give birth to a brick as he stares furiously at the list. He gives me a dirty look, but knows better than to mess with us again; his black eye is proof of that.

Later on, we're briefed as to how the mission will be carried out. We're informed that the mission is to provide support for a team infiltrating the Earth Forces' Scandinavian base. The ship we will be aboard is call the Vertier and it is under the command of Captain Barton. The five of us would each be on standby in a ZAKU Warrior. The mission is to take somewhere along the lines of four days as we will only be needed until another team can be properly dispatched. During the next two days, we're all to be excused from regular classes in order to attend exclusive tactical training seminars specific for the upcoming mission. As the senior red, I'm informed that below the captain and commanders, I will have command over the rest of my team on and off the battle field. Tieria holds secondary command as the other Red.

The question still plaguing my mind is why hasn't Kira been selected? When I asked him earlier he had said that he was to complete some important training test and then quickly changed the subject. He never speaks much about his mobile suit training.

* * *

**Hurray! Midterms are finally over and I can focus on what's important lol. Anyway, there it is, Chapter 14. It's kind of the calm before the next storm. I've never been good at writing action scenes, so I guess we'll see how the next couple chapters turn out! **

**For anyone who hasn't seen Gundam 00, Tieria is not my character. He's the gumpy, arrogant pretty boy from the newest Gundam show. He was kind of an after thought to this story, and he's sort of out of character but I figured I'd try to make it work. I always wanted to see how he would react in a more social setting than Gundam 00, so here it goes!! **

**As always, thanks for reading :) **

**Oh and btw, I'm working on a couple of new one shots so hopefully those will be posted soon. Keep your eye out for them! **


	15. Chapter 15: Eyes Opened

**Dear Readers, I am SO sorry this took so long. I've been madly cramming for finals and finishing up classes... yeah its been a rough couple of weeks... and its not over yet :(. Anyway, here is chapter 15. Hopefully after this long it will not disappoint. **

**Since its been so long, I figure I'd better recap what's going on. **

**In the last couple of chapters, Hylas grew ill and Athrun found out he wasn't a coordinator. They (hopefully) got him out of the city, but Athrun has no idea where he is or if he's even still alive. After that, Athrun was arrested and his father attempted to torture Hylas's location out of him. This ended with Athrun being shot by his father, but fortunately he made it home safely. Back at the academy, a new recruit has been assigned to their dorm in Hylas's place. Athrun wants absolutely nothing to do with Tieria Erde, but to his dismay, the two of them along with Nicol, Rey and Shinn have been assigned to a last minute "team" to be sent out into the field. **

**Happy Reading!**

* * *

Wednesday evening rolls around at a rapid pace, and our under experienced and sad excuse for a team is shuttled directly to where our ship is docked in Boaz. The ship is nothing short of magnificent, which unfortunately only puts more pressure on us as its protectors. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we didn't pay much attention to anything as we were shown during our tour of the ship – that was, until we were taken down to the hangar. That was when it all became real. As they introduce us to the Mobile suits, I realize just how real it is. If necessary, we are to be deployed to protect the ship, and by extension, kill all those who get in our way. What rips my mind is two is that there are soldiers on the other side doing exactly the same thing. The only problem is, only one side can prevail. The other will be destroyed as if they were pawns; useless pieces in the larger game of life. It hits me that I'm just another insignificant soldier on the battle field in this disaster we call a war; just another obstacle to be overcome.

"Let me introduced you to Captain Grinnheart, you will be under her command while aboard this ship." The man whose name I've completely forgotten salutes to the captain as he introduces us. Realizing I'm surrounded by saluting soldiers, I quickly raise my right hand vertically to my forehead. I also realize Nicol has an eye on me, as if he's trying to tell me something. Then I get the message; I'm the leader of this group and it's my responsibility to begin the introductions.

"Athrun Zala, of the ZAFT Training Academy," I say in the most confident tone I can force. I glance to Nicol who gives me a discreet nod of approval.

"Tieria Erde," Tieria says, saluting formally.

"Shinn Asuka."

"Nicol Amalfi."

"Rey Za Burrel."

The rest follow suit, and express no complaints regarding my opening.

"I'm Captain Grinnheart. I'd like to personally thank you for coming all the way out here," the young looking, short blonde haired woman says. She seems as though she's trying to drown her stress in her words. I can't blame her though; knowing that a bunch of young, inexperienced, unlicensed pilots will be the ones protecting her ship. Once her eyes are off of me, I let my shoulders drop for their formal position to resume more of a sulking pose.

We follow our usher further into the hangar, where we're introduced to the commander of the mobile suit deck, Commander Kayman. Even he looks hesitantly at us, his eyes laid upon Tieria and me, most likely because we're both clad in Red while the rest are dressed in Green. Even so, we're still only wearing our academy uniforms, so while they are the right colors, they clearly display our inferior ranks. I am paired with Officer Kayman, and each of my comrades is paired with another officer to set the specs of the ZAKUs. I manage to create small talk with the officer, but I can still feel his condescending attitude towards me.

I am relieved when we are finally dismissed and told to head up to the cafeteria for dinner, and then to bed. We are to get as much rest as possible while we're still in ZAFT territory. Although I know there isn't even a chance that anyone will be able to sleep tonight, as the leader I insist that we go to bed.

It feels strange giving orders to the others – especially Tieria and Shinn. I can see the hatred in Shinn's eyes each time I give him an instruction. Tieria simply stares at me for a second and then accepts, as if he would have done something differently. I wish Kira was here; he's never had a problem with that type of thing. Unlike me, Kira is a natural leader.

I stare up at the ceiling; everything has happened so fast. In the last two weeks my life has changed so much. I lost my friend, I lost my father, and now I'm being forced to grow up and face the reality of the life I've chosen for myself. There is no more room for doubt.

I feel my mind drifting. I know I'm not asleep, but I feel as though I'm dreaming. Or rather, having nightmares. I'm in that dark, cold room again. I can't move. Sweat pours off my face, and my father stands before me with his back turned to me. All of a sudden, he turns to me and demands to know where Hylas is. I have no idea! I try to speak but nothing comes out. It's like I've lost control of my vocal cords. I want to scream out as he cocks the gun and presses it against my forehead. I can hear an alarm ringing in my head; I've never seen this part of the dream. I look around, but it seems my father hasn't heard it. Does someone know I'm here? Is someone coming to save me?

"Athrun!"

Who is calling my name? Is someone else here?

"Athrun! Wake up."

I suddenly open my eyes, and I'm staring up at Nicol. I let out a sigh of relief, and then pull myself up to lean on my elbow.

"What's going on?" I ask calmly. I can feel sweat on my forehead as I tremble slightly.

"We've just entered the Earth Forces' territory. We've been told to go to level one battle stations – we need to standby in our machines. Quickly, get up," Nicol says, doing his best not to alarm me.

My heart stops; this is it. All the training I've done in the last 8 months comes down to this. Without a word, I climb out of bed and hesitantly pull on my clothing and head for the locker room. The room is quiet as we gear up in our pilot suits.

My hands shake uncontrollably and my heart pounds through my chest as I board the Red ZAKU. As I press the button to close the cockpit, the tiny lights lining the dashboard light up and the main camera turns on, displaying the image of the hangar before my eyes. To my right, five small screens appear, each one presenting the face of one of my comrades and the last displays the captain's face on the bridge.

"Pilots," Captain Grinnheart says as my eyes avert back to her camera, "An enemy fleet of mobile suits has been spotted. Beginning with unit one, please launch."

"Roger that," I say without even realizing it. Where did that come from?

"You are to eliminate the enemies that are currently engaging us. So far there are eight mobile armors present. Good Luck!" The captain's face glances away from my view, and I clasp the clutch tightly in my right hand. This is it.

"Unit one, moving to the launch pad," a young girls voice echoes throughout the hangar as I feel my machine being transported to the launching dock. "Adjusting 37o, removing final safety locks. You're clear to launch, unit one."

My hands tremble to the point where I'm not sure if I can even push out the clutch. Somehow I get my footing, and place my feet directly on the foot pedals. Here goes nothing.

"Athrun Zala, ZAKU unit one; taking off!!" I yell as I push the clutch forward and hammer my foot down onto the pedal. I can feel myself launched into zero gravity. It's real.

_Ok, just like the simulations._

"Tieria Erde, ZAKU unit two launching!" I hear Tieria's words echo through my cockpit, and out of the corner of my eye I catch sight of a white ZAKU fly to my side. His voice is much calmer sounding than my own. What's up with this guy?

Once the other three have launched, the captain's face glances our way. "Form a line. Guard the ship and destroy anything that comes your way. Don't be nervous!"

_Yeah Right!_

I instinctively leap forward to attack an oncoming enemy. I've done this countless times in the simulator, but this time it's real – there's no room for mistakes. I manage to fire my assault rifle just in time to avoid hand to hand combat, and as bullets tear through the enemy, my eyes widen at the sight of the mobile armor exploding in front of me. That could have just as easily been me. I just _killed_ someone; someone just like me.

My distracted concentration is thankfully broken as Tieria flies past me to engage the next two suits. I watch in amazement as he weaves between suits in a serpentine formation. He's incredible! I've never seen a ZAKU look so versatile! My eye catches on a green and black blob to my left, and I look to see Nicol, Rey and Shinn engaging four enemy mobile armors.

I quickly slam my foot down onto the reverse booster in order to swing back to the left to avoid oncoming enemy fire. A barrage of bullets burst past me as I strafe further beyond my target, successfully evading it. _I can't wait forever – I have to act. _The enemy comes again, this time head on towards me and releases another burst of machine gun fire. A bad move, as I clearly have the tactical advantage in close combat. I blast to the right this time and let the suit pass me as I turn to it and draw the ZAKU's beam hatchet from the shield and cleave the small mobile armor pod into two. Suddenly there is a blast from behind and my cockpit shakes violently. I grunt in an unpleasant blend of shock and pain as a blip on my radar tells me an enemy suit is to the rear.

Having defeated his last two enemies, Tieria yells at me through the radio line, "Hold your position!" I comply and watch as he shoots his beam rifle through an enemy suit that snuck up on me from behind. The next few minutes are a blur, but the enemy soon retreats and we return to the ship. I dock my machine, and exhale loudly, leaning forward in my cockpit. The reality of what happened begins to sink in. I just killed several people. Soldiers just like me. I grip the clutch tightly, and let my head hang as I continue to breathe heavily. Then I realize how easily I could have died. If Tieria hadn't covered me, I would have been killed.

After what seems like several minutes, I open the cockpit and float down into the anti gravity hangar. Nicol and Shinn look shaken up as well, but Rey's face is completely normal, and Tieria is nowhere to be seen.

"Great job you guys. Congratulations on surviving your first sortie. You should be proud of a successful first battle. Please head up to the main deck and get some rest; we're unsure as to whether or not the enemy has made a full retreat." The overhead screen that displayed the captain's face turns black. Helmet in hand; I head for the locker room.

She said it so casually. _Congratulations on surviving your first sortie. _It's as if she didn't expect us to survive. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. To her, we're just another batch of kids. We're disposable. If we die, she calls in the next team. After all, that's what being a common soldier is about, is it not?

Once in the pilot's lounge, I collapse onto the couch and stare at the ceiling with my hands rested behind my head. It had initially felt so natural, but when I realized what I was doing, that I was killing people, I felt sick to my stomach. Isn't this what ZAFT strives for? Mindless killing machines? Have I become a killing machine? Well, since I'm even thinking about it, I can tell that I haven't become completely senseless. I shake my head. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my brain off.

"Hey Athrun, how ya doing?" Nicol asks, handing me a water bottle. I didn't even realize he was there.

"Oh, thanks. I'm alright. You?" I can't help but remember the look on Nicol's face as well when he climbed out of his cockpit.

"Good. I'm glad the first battles over. Have you heard Mu's 'life lesson' for first battles?" Nicol asks casually.

"What? No?" I ask curiously.

"He always told me that forty-five percent of soldiers who die in battle die in their _first_ battle. I guess it's just a relief that the first battle's over," Nicol smiles.

"Yeah," I say, forcing a smile. As much as I'm glad that Nicol can find comfort in that, there's no way I can rely on it for support. If I start thinking there's less of a chance of dying, then I'll start thinking that I'm invincible or something. I find myself staring off into space again.

"Get some rest, Athrun," Nicol says, standing up to walk away. I feel myself drifting off to sleep.

"ALL HANDS TO LEVEL ONE BATTLE STATIONS! PILOTS PLEASE STAND BY IN YOUR MACHINES!" An announcement echoes through the ship, pulling me out of my sleep deprived semiconscious state.

"Nicol? What's going on?" I ask, completely dazed as I sit up from the couch.

"Enemy forces have been sighted again," Nicol says from the other couch, "Come on, let's go down to the hangar." I repeat the procedures of readying myself and my mobile suit for launch as I am given the go ahead for deployment.

"Athrun Zala, ZAKU Launching!" My launch sequence sounds slightly more confident than it did last time; my morale however is just as shaken. After all, I've barely had time to allow the last battle to sink in. And once again, I'm catapulted into the war zone.

"Formation F37; Athrun and Tieria take the upper hand, Nicol and Rey guard the ship, Shinn, remain between the defense and offence for support." The captain calls out her orders and then reverts her attention back to commanding the rest of the crew. I hear Tieria's response of compliance, and I follow as he jets forward. I finally look forward only to gasp at the scene playing out in front of me. There are a good twenty enemy suits coming toward the ship.

"Don't lose your concentration," Tieria says as he flies past me. I remain a few meters behind, and fire my particle gun, damaging two of the oncoming suits.

"Unit one, firing from you're your left; stay clear," Shinn calls, warning as he fires his buster cannon sending a beam past my left. The sheer force of the gun knocks out three of the suits completely and pushes four more further back.

By the time we've taken out about half of the enemy suits, my heartbeat has slowed and I feel a little more relaxed. I'm not sure if I've become desensitized to it, or if my brain just isn't functioning properly. During the simulations, I was always good at dodging enemies, and I think I've finally picked it up in a real mobile suit.

Suddenly I hear a cry that sounds like one of my own. I look quickly at the cameras too my left to see Tieria's pain stricken face as sparks explode in his cockpit and his picture goes black. My eyes glance back to the main screen, and I watch as Tieria's cockpit is penetrated by an enemy suit.

"TIERIA!" I find myself calling out.

"We've lost contact with unit two; Units one and three, cover him. Unit four, when it's clear please retrieve unit two and return it to the hangar." Again I glance down in time to see the captain return her focus to the main bridge.

"Roger that," Nicol and I say simultaneously.

I quickly stamp down on the foot pedal to accelerate my unit to cover unit two. I do my best to block several blows aimed at Tieria's suit that would have otherwise destroyed him – that is, if he's still alive. My shield is jerked forcefully by enemy fire as I feel my stomach lurch, and force myself to focus. In my desperation, I blast through the cockpits of several suits with my particle gun, and for the ones that get closer I pull out my beam hatchet. I've lost my concern for killing others, and now my only priority is to protect the silent unit two.

"Athrun, I got him. You and Shinn take offence, Rey will cover defense by himself until I can get back," Nicol calls out assertively.

I sigh as Tieria's suit is whisked away, only to take my attention off the battle for less than a second. I feel a large jolt as my body is forced forward, my seat belt the only thing keeping me from hitting my head and likely becoming unconscious. To my dismay, the power in my suit dies, causing the ZAKU to switch to its backup power supply. The lights in the cockpit dim and the main camera is the only screed left on my dashboard while other pilots are now sound only. I'm not injured, but with the power down, my suit is rendered useless.

"Come on, MOVE!" I yell, pulling on the clutch; nothing happens. I look up at my main camera only to see an enemy suit heading full speed towards me, sword raised as he comes in for the killing blow. I grit my teeth, drop my head and brace myself for the blow. This is it; it's all over.

Nothing comes. I open my eyes to see Shinn's blue ZAKU hovering above me engaging the suit that was ready to destroy me.

"Rey!" Shinn calls, "Come and get him; I'll finish these guys," he says in a disgustingly overconfident tone. Unfortunately, I can't argue as he's just saved my life.

"Unit four is returning to the battle field," the captain calls out as I look back to see Nicol taking Rey's place as he jets toward me. Rey's yellow ZAKU approaches me and I feel its boosters ignite as he carries my disabled suit to the hangar. My head is swimming like no other.

Shinn just saved me. Is Tieria ok? Will the others be alright with just the three of them?

My mind swarms like a beehive as I open my cockpit and drift down toward the floor.

"Hey kid, are you alright?" Kayman asks me; his face bearing a confused yet extremely concerned expression.

"What? Yeah," I reply, not really paying attention to what I'm saying. It's then that I grow confused by his persistent expression. His eyes are locked on the mobile suit I just exited. I turn around to see that the Red ZAKU is missing its right leg and its left arm. The engine which lies directly under the cockpit is completely destroyed. I understand now. I look down at my body to confirm that I really am unharmed. I'm fine. "Really, I'm ok," I say to the officer. He shrugs and goes to turn away, but then doubles back.

"That other pilot was in pretty rough shape when they pried him out of his cockpit. I think he was still conscious; they look him to the onboard infirmary."

"What? He's alive?" I ask in shock, looking up at unit two's destroyed cockpit. _Thank God…_

As the other units begin docking, I head for the locker room and quickly change back into my standard uniform. I hurry up to the pilot's lounge, not wanting to speak to anyone just yet. I allow myself to fall onto the couch after grabbing a water bottle from the cooler.

I pull my legs onto the couch and up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my crossed legs and resting my chin atop my knees. That could have just as easily been me in Tieria's place. Come to think of it, it almost was. If that blast had hit the cockpit rather than the engine I probably wouldn't be sitting here right now. I can feel my shoulders trembling as I remember bracing myself for death only to have Shinn jump in front of me. He saved my life, and all I've ever done is cause him pain. Even though I took away someone he loved, he still saved me. My stomach wrenches with guilt and I feel as though I'm going to vomit.

My thoughts are interrupted as I look up to see Nicol and Rey enter the room. Are they getting along? I've never really heard Rey talk much, but that might just be me. Nicol is almost as social as Kira – and Kira can get along with anyone.

"Athrun! Are you alright? I saw your machine; it's a miracle you're still alive!" Nicol says loudly. "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," I say, catching Rey's eye as I lower my legs from my terrified position. "What about you guys? What happened?" I completely forgot that they were still fighting out there. Had they fought of the rest of the machines by themselves?

"The enemy retreated pretty quickly after Rey brought you in," Nicol says, watching me watch Rey as he gets bottles of water for him and Nicol. Should I thank him? Should I be thanking Shinn? Where is Shinn? Could he have been injured after I came in?

"Where's Shinn?" I ask nervously, "he didn't – "

"He's fine. He's down in the hangar helping with the repairs. Where's Tieria? He was amazing out there!"

"I'm not sure. I think he's still in the infirmary," I say feeling rather guilty for not checking up on him.

"What? You haven't been down there?" Nicol says, sounding surprised.

"No," I say hanging my head.

"We have to go help with repairs. By the looks of it, your machine is out of commission. Go see Tieria, then come give us a hand if he's ok," Nicol orders. He and Rey leave the room before I have a chance to respond.

"Last time I checked I was the one in command," I call after him, feeling stupid. He's right though; I should go see Tieria.

Before I realize what I'm doing, I find myself walking down the depressing hallway that leads to the infirmary. My heart beats loudly; I've never been nice to him so I don't know how this is going to turn out. Then again, he's never been friendly to me either. I've never even had a real conversation with him before. He spends most of his free time on his bunk doing who knows what on his laptop. I've never been very good with people, and meeting new people has never come easily. From what I've seen so far, Tieria is the same way. This could be interesting…

I take a deep breath before sliding open the door to his room. Tieria is lying in a white linen bed propped up on a small pile of pillows; his eyes are closed. His left arm hangs in a sling and his face bears several small cuts and gashes. The thing about him that is most unusual to me is that his normally pristine hair is matted and untidy. He wears a plain blue t-shirt that sits low enough to expose the thick layer of bandages covering his shoulder. An IV runs from a bag containing a transparent liquid down into his right forearm. I look down at him and he seems almost peaceful.

Not wanting to wake him, I decide that I'll come back later; however, as I'm about to turn away his eyes flutter open. He squints his crimson eyes at me before reaching for his glasses.

"You're about the last person I would have expected to see walk through that door," Tieria says in a weak voice. I can't tell for sure if his tone is resentful or not, so I choose to ignore the statement all together.

"How are you feeling?" I ask awkwardly, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

Tieria looks surprised at my apparent concern. It's only expected as I've never really been kind to him like this. Am I only being friendly because he's injured and almost died? I'm not entirely sure.

"I'm ok. What brings you down here? Shouldn't you be working on your machine?"

"It's out of commission," I reply. Tieria casts me a questioning glance. "I took some heavy damage after you were taken in. We're down two machines now." For some reason I'm beginning to feel more relaxed; more at ease around him.

"You can sit down," Tieria offers, nodding toward the chair beside his bed. I comply.

I remain silent for a few seconds before impulsively asking the question that's been floating through my mind since I first saw Tieria take off in his ZAKU. "You've piloted a mobile suit before, haven't you?"

Tieria looks up at me, a surprised look on his face. "Yes, I have. But not in battle; how did you know?"

"Because it takes practice to be able to utilize a machine the way you do. You were unbelievable out there," I say, my tone sounding unintentionally envious.

"Apparently not unbelievable enough to complete the assignment," he says, obviously disappointed with himself. He looks back up at me, "I used to work as an OS programmer before coming to the academy. There were numerous tests that needed to be carried out to ensure they were functioning properly. I guess you could say that most computer geeks would rather not get into the cockpit if given then choice, so I did it. After a while they insisted that I go train with ZAFT while continuing my research. Like I said though, I've never piloted one in battle before and I was overconfident. I still have a lot to learn." Again he sounds defeated as he stares down at the sheets covering his body.

That explains why he's always on his computer. I'm kind of shocked by how much Tieria is sharing, but even more shocked that he's sharing it with _me_ of all people. I've never seen him this social.

"By the way," he says slowly, "I meant to thank you for covering me out there." He looks as though he's going to continue, but instead he leaves the obvious part of the statement unsaid. He would have been killed if not for me. He seems like he's searching for the proper words, but instead he repeats the words "Thank you."

"Don't mention it," I say casually, a smile creeping across my face. "Shinn ended up doing the same for me once you went in. That's what you do when you're on a team; you protect one another." I can hardly believe the words coming from my mouth. When did I become so wise? Or is it just common sense? Could it be that Tieria is only being nice to me because he feels that he owes me for saving him? I don't know him well enough to properly assess the situation, but his words seem genuine.

"Excuse me, but I have to ask, what happened to the soldier that I replaced in your dorm? You were close right? That's why you've always been so hostile toward me right? Even though Kira and Nicol always tried to make me feel welcome."

I suddenly feel as though I'm being accused. Part of the reason I was cold to him was simply because I was returning the favor. But he's right; that is the main reason. How did he figure that out though? "Hylas. It's kind of a long story," I say, not really wanting to explain it.

"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," Tieria says, pressing the subject.

Maybe I should tell Tieria what happened; maybe it will justify my initial attitude toward him. "Well," I begin, hanging my head, making it clear that it's a sensitive subject, "he came here with pretty well nothing; no parents, no family or friends, nothing. I guess the two of us could just relate to each other. Anyway, he became like a younger brother. Everything was fine until he got sick. Only problem was, it was a disease that coordinators couldn't catch. It was then that he confessed to me that he wasn't a coordinator. His parents had had him engineered as a coordinator but something went wrong; turns out he had what they call empty chromosomes. His parents found this out when he was a child and they abandoned him. When he grew ill at the academy, the leaders of the PLANTs learned of this, and a warrant was set for his arrest. As far as we know he got away, but none of us have heard of him since. I don't even know if he survived." For some unexplained reason, telling Tieria this feels relieving. It kind of explains why I acted the way I did towards him, and he can now see the situation that he unknowingly walked into. "And I'm sorry if I seemed cold. It was nothing against you personally. Like I said, he was like a younger brother that I swore to protect. In the end it was my father who ordered his arrest."

"I see. I'm sorry. I thought it might have been something like that," he says quietly, "Are you close with the others? Kira and Nicol." He all of a sudden seems curious about our group, as if he suddenly wants to fit in. Strangely enough, I have no problem with it.

"Kira and I grew up together. I only met Nicol upon coming to the academy. But yes, we're all pretty close." Part of me hopes that Tieria will at some point be part of our surrogate family.

"I should probably go see how the others are doing with the repairs. They'll want to know how you're doing. Plus, you should rest," I say, feeling as though I may have overstayed my welcome. I stand up and head for the door.

"Wait. I'm coming with you," Tieria says firmly.

"What? No. You need to rest," I insist turning back to find him already pulling the IV out of his arm and climbing out of bed. I can see now that there is no stopping him. As I turn away, I catch sight of him popping a couple of pills into his mouth. I glance away quickly; I know the IV was filled with pain killers. I decide to disregard it for now; there are more important matters at hand.

* * *

**There you go, chapter 15. Hopefully the next chapter will be posted soooooon. **

**For anyone who knows Tieria's character well, from here on out he's a little OOC... I think anyway. Who knows how he would actually react to this situation. Let's just say he's not as much of a jerk as you would expect. **

**Anyway, let me know what you thought! **


	16. Chapter 16: Life or Death

"Hey you guys! Is everything ok?" Nicol asks as we enter the hangar.

"Yeah. How are things going down here?" I ask, glancing around at the machines to try to avert the attention away from Tieria. Nicol gives him a once over and leaves it at that.

"It's good. Units three, four and five are almost fully functional and unit two is at about eighty percent; not that you'll be using it though," Nicol says hesitantly to Tieria. "As for unit one, we won't be able to finish the repairs until we return to the base. Looks like you two will have to spectate if we're attacked again." Nicol smiles as he speaks cheerfully to us. I admire how he can be so calm in what could be such a grave situation. Nicol and I watch as Tieria moves towards my destroyed machine. Nicol gives me a nod as if to commend me for making peace with Tieria.

"I didn't realize that by taking heavy damage you meant it was this bad. How are you still in one piece? Moreover, how are you in better condition than me?" Tieria asks, gawking at the damage to the engine perpendicular to the cockpit.

"Yeah I –"

"ALL HANDS TO LEVEL ONE BATTLE STATIONS. PILOTS STAND BY IN YOUR MACHINES." The captain's voice echoes throughout the hangar as we all stare up at the monitor overhead.

"Seriously?!" I almost yell.

There is commotion and the able pilots enter the hangar. Tieria and I watch from the ground as the others board their machines and ready themselves for anti ship and mobile suit combat.

"Shinn Asuka, ZAKU unit three taking off!" Shinn cries out as his machine is launched.

"Nicol Amalfi, unit four is launching!"

"Rey Za Burrel, ZAKU, I'm taking off." Rey's launch sequence is unusually calm. It kind of gives me the creeps; it's as though he has no problem with killing. A shiver runs down my spine as I see the yellow ZAKU boost into the battle.

With Tieria and me both out of commission, Shinn is to take on the role as leader.

_Poor Nicol_.

"Several enemy machines approaching!" The young girl's voice calls out.

"I can see that!" Shinn's voice echoes as the assault teams collide in a violent dance.

"They're out numbered!" Commander Kayman yells.

"Give them a chance!" Tieria yells, "They'll be ok," he says optimistically, while frantically turning back to the main monitor.

I glance at Tieria, his expression displays his nervousness. I look back up to the screen only to see that the commander is right. Three suits against… perhaps twenty five? Thirty suits?!

The hangar shakes as the ship takes hit after hit. Is this it? Are we done for?

"I'm going out," Tieria says calmly.

"Permission denied, your condition won't allow it, besides your machine is only at eighty percent," the captain says.

"I'll take unit two!" I offer.

"You can't. It's calibrated specifically for Tieria; you would be at a serious disadvantage," the commander says.

"It's better than nothing! They're out matched!" I say desperately.

"Unit five has just taken a heavy hit!" the commander yells. "No response from the pilot!"

Before I'm able to stop him or even realize what's happening, Tieria whips his glasses off his face and throws them at me. I narrowly catch them and look up to see him boarding unit two's cockpit in his hospital attire.

"Hey kid! Get back here!" Commander Kayman yells as Tieria closes his cockpit.

"Open the hatch or I'll blast it open," Tieria says furiously as the red eye of the ZAKU ignites.

The hatch is opened and with a burst of the ZAKU's powerful boosters Tieria takes off into the starry abyss.

"Commander Kayman, explain yourself!" The Captain yells.

"He should be ok to operate it right?" I ask hesitantly, "It's only his left arm isn't it?"

"Not in that machine; the kid's a lefty, all the controls are backwards compared to a normal suit. That's why you couldn't take it," Kayman explains. Operating a suit calibrated in such a way would have been a suicidal move on my part had I actually commandeered it. I am glad that I didn't take the machine out, but at the same time I wish Tieria had stayed behind as well. I watch the screen helplessly as the four pilots fight with everything they've got. Greatly impaired by his injuries, Tieria takes hit after hit but still proves to be of some use out there. I can hear him spouting commands to Shinn and the others under a heavily strained voice.

"Captain!" Tieria calls, his voice rough with agony, "Launch the buster rifle. If I can get a shot on their ship they might retreat!"

The _buster rifle?_ I've never even heard of such a thing, though I quickly learn as a massive mobile suit grade particle cannon is jettisoned from the ship. I watch as the ZAKU unit two grabs hold of the gun, bending it to properly focus on the target ahead. A bright explosion of blue and pink light bursts from the tip of the buster rifle and is followed by the sound of rushing energy. I faintly hear Tieria cry out as the blue stream of particles is launched from the gun. He manages to land a devastating hit, and for several antagonizing moments the battlefield is utter chaos before the enemy signals a full retreat from the area. The enemy forces are heavily damaged and will most likely need to take time to repair.

Nicol carries Tieria's energy drained machine back on board the ship. As soon as his machine is docked, I rush for the cockpit and am quickly joined by Nicol as I enter the emergency code to open the hatch. As the main lights go up we find Tieria, barely conscious and crumpled on the floor of his cockpit in a mess of his own blood clenching his left shoulder.

"Tieria, you crazy bastard, you could have died out there!" I yell, lifting him out of the cockpit and removing his helmet. His shirt is completely drenched in blood and his eyes are barely open.

"Get a medic!" Nicol yells in the opposite direction. Rey and Shinn have drifted up to the level of the cockpit to get a better look at what's happening.

"Tieria, can you hear me?" I shout hysterically, hoping to see his eyes open. I am roughly pushed out of the way as two men bearing a stretcher approach and take over the situation. Just before he's taken out of my line of sight, he opens his eyes and casts me a quick grin.

I breathe a sigh of relief as he's taken to the infirmary. Nicol, Rey and Shinn stand beside me as we watch.

"All pilots please report to the briefing room as soon as possible," the captain says, her voice filling the frantic hangar.

* * *

"At present moment, we only have two machines that are even functional." Despite her best efforts to hide it, the worry in the captain's voice is undeniable. "Until we are able to repair some of the damage, the risk of pulling out or heading forward is too great. Our only option is to land and try to make repairs. Even so, unit one is completely out of commission and unit two's pilot will be unable to sortie until further notice. Our plan so far is to land and find as much shelter as possible and make repairs. Then our best bet is to head back to Boaz while avoiding as many enemies as possible.

Although the captain does her best to hide the distress in her voice, I can't help but feel sorry for her. The responsibility and stress on a captain's shoulders must be beyond unbearable. She seems less confident in her plan that she makes herself out to be.

"What if we fixed unit one with the parts from unit two? All we really need to do is replace the engine, then we should be able to make sufficient repairs, correct? The cockpit on unit one is fine, all we need to do is switch around the parts, right?" I suggest.

"It could work, but do we have the intelligence to rewire an engine?" The senior lieutenant asks.

"If your crew doesn't, there's someone else who might. Tieria used to help design and install operating systems. I'm sure he'd be willing to help," I say hopefully.

"Well either way, we need to find a place to land then set up a radio wave absorber and a visible light canceller. Athrun, when Tieria wakes up, ask him what he knows about rewiring an OS. Even if we can't get unit one working, as long as we have three machines we should be ok. You three, get some rest for now; we're going to need you in pristine condition as there are only three of you at the moment," the captain says kindly. "Get something to eat then go relax."

Although I don't have much of an appetite, I follow the others down to the onboard cafeteria. I find that the food isn't much compared to the food at the academy, but it might just be because eating is the last thing on my mind. In all honesty the only thing on my mind is Tieria. He lost a lot of blood during that last sortie.

"Athrun, you ok?" Nicol asks.

"Huh? What, I mean yeah," I say stupidly. My mind is completely elsewhere. He looks at me with a concerned expression.

"You should really eat something," Nicol says, pushing my untouched plate of food closer to me.

"Right… food," I mumble, stabbing a piece of pasta with my fork. I push my food around the plate for a while, trying to make it look as though I've eaten more. I almost gag as I force myself to swallow a piece of garlic toast.

After I finally force some food down, I go down to check on Tieria.

I find him asleep in the infirmary. His shoulder is heavily bandaged and bound in a sling again. There's an IV in his arm, only this time it's filled with a golden liquid I know to be cell regenerative drugs. His eyes are closed and an oxygen mask covers his mouth and nose. The beeping display next to his bed monitoring his heart rate seems normal, but I can't help but feel sick to my stomach.

I sit down in the chair beside his bed, and realize I still have his glasses in my pocket. I pull them out and glance down at them as I wait for him to wake up. The conviction it must have taken to go back out there even though he must have known his odds of surviving. Then I remember something from when he was first in the infirmary. He had taken those pills even though he had been on an IV chocked full of painkillers. They must have been extra painkillers.

I get it now. He had planned on going back out there if we were attacked, that was why he wanted to go down there in the first place. He didn't even give it a second thought.

The time intervals between the beeps decrease, and I glance down at him to see him slowly opens his eyes. He looks around the room before slowly raising his right arm to pull the mask off his face. He squints his eyes as he looks up at me. "Hey," he says softly.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, taking the oxygen mask and placing it on the table next to his bed.

"I've been better," he says, attempting to sit up. He clenches his teeth in pain and I ease him back down into the soft sheets of his bed.

"You shouldn't try to move yet," I say, placing his glasses in his open right hand.

"How long have I been out?" he asks in confusion as he puts his glasses on.

"Only a few hours. We just had a meeting. They sent me down here to ask you something," I say, thinking perhaps I shouldn't ask him just yet.

"Oh, so that's why you're here," Tieria says, smiling weakly.

"What? No! I tried to come earlier but we were trying to determine what to do next."

"So what's the plan?" Tieria asks, sounding a little more awake.

"Um, maybe I should discuss it with you later when you're feeling better," I suggest, knowing too well what his response will be.

"I'm fine. What's up?"

I let out a sigh, "we're going to be landing soon and we're going to try to make repairs as best we can. We only have two functional machines right now. Once we finish the necessary repairs, we're going to return to Boaz." I inform him. "We should be able to repair unit five, and we were thinking… since you won't be able to pilot unit two –"

"Hey, I'm perfectly able to, I'm just not allowed," Tieria protests.

I laugh a little, "We were going to try to transfer the engine from unit two to unit one and try to repair it."

"And you want me to help rewire the system, right?" Tieria asks, somehow knowing exactly what I was getting at.

"Uh – yeah. Can you do that?" I ask hesitantly.

"Of course I can. You just might have to wait until I'm able to stand up." Tieria smirks.

I acknowledge his boastful comment since he has agreed to help, but then a more serious thought crosses my mind. "Tieria, you didn't think twice about going back out there, did you? Even though you knew how easily you could have –"

"No," he quickly interrupts, "some things can be considered a higher priority. If they had been unsuccessful out there, we would have all died. Either way I was as good as dead if I didn't try. If you're constantly imagining the worst possible scenario, it's going to decrease your fighting capabilities greatly." His voice is starting to sound hoarse. He should probably be resting rather than having a serious conversation with me.

"I understand." I say.

"I know it sounds brutal, but that's being a soldier is all about. You just have to go out there and not let anything distract you," he suddenly cries out and buckles forward, his hand clasped to his shoulder. His heart monitor picks up.

"Tieria, you need to rest. I'm going to the bridge. I'll be back later." I stand up and exit the room as a nurse enters beside me. The door slams behind me.

_That's what being a soldier is all about._ The words ring through my head. As much as the idea of inhumanity disgusts me, I know he's right. Is that my destiny as well? Will I ever really be willing to risk my life for something like that? For a mission?

I head up to the bridge to speak to the captain regarding Tieria's answer. I explain that he will indeed be able to assist with the transfer of the engines once his condition is stable. I am informed that it will take at least twenty four hours to find a position to land and prepare to transfer engines. Since there is really no great need for me to rest, I wander down to the hangar to observe the damage in order to kill time.

I stare up at unit two; although the damage is pretty brutal, it still isn't much compared to unit one. Unit one looks like it was just hauled up from the bottom of the ocean after being down there for a good twenty years. I still can't believe Tieria went back out there.

"So he's alright hey?" Commander Kayman says, causing me to jump in surprise. I didn't even notice he was there.

"Yeah, he'll be ok," I reply. He seems a little less condescending than he did before. Perhaps I have Tieria to thank for that.

"Although we have him to thank for winning that last battle, his actions were far too reckless. If he keeps that up he won't make it past his next birthday," the Commander says, "plus, he's not setting a very good example for you guys. Oh well, I suppose some people are just like that."

"Yeah. I should probably go see how he's doing. I'll see you later on," I say, looking for an excuse to leave the hangar. Is he right? Was Tieria too reckless? Obviously he was pushing it going back out there, but we probably would have been finished if he didn't. Ugh, I don't know what to believe anymore.

I can't help but think of my second battle. Did I get hit because my mind was focused on something else? Was I distracted by the consequences at hand? How did Tieria get to be such a hardened soldier? While he's a soldier on the battle field, he's able to be human outside of battle. How does he find the right balance? Will I ever be like that?

I wander around the ship for a while before returning to the infirmary. It's probably best to give him more time to rest seeing as how he wakes up every time I enter the room.

When I slide open the door, I unexpectedly find Tieria sitting up in bed; his long hair tired back and his glasses high on his nose. He's leaned over a tray spooning soup into his mouth.

"Feeling better?" I ask, glad to see that his condition has improved. I sit down in the chair beside his bed.

"Yeah. I think it was probably the drugs earlier – that or lack thereof," he says smiling.

"So you're a lefty hey? That's interesting, how did I never notice before." At this he stops just as he about to place another spoonful in his mouth. He lowers his hand and stares down. Only about one in ten thousand coordinators are left handed. Several are ambidextrous, but left handedness is considered to be a genetic defect among coordinators.

"It's a bit of nuisance, but I'm pretty well functional with both," he looks up at me and then returns to his soup. "I've run enough tests on standard suits for it to not be much of an issue. I was kind of surprised when they told me they were assigning me to a left-handed suit for this mission." I wonder if it's something he generally tries to hide. I never noticed it in class, but I also never paid much attention to him.

"So how much further back did you set yourself with that last battle?" I ask, hoping to change the subject.

"Only a few days. It's just a dislocation and a bit of a cut. They won't let me leave here till some time tomorrow though. Apparently I lost too much blood and the wound isn't clotting properly."

"A _bit_ of a cut hey?" I ask smiling. He nearly bled to death in my arms earlier. Strange… coordinators have enhanced platelets; wounds generally clot fairly easily.

"What time is it?" A strange tone lurks in his voice.

"Just after 22:30. Why?"

"Perfect. The nurse only comes by every two hours after 22:00," he says, moving as if he means to get out of bed. "I've only left this room once in the last two days. I need to go for a walk. Do you mind?"

"What? Tieria you're not well enough –"

"I'm fine, now help me up." If I wasn't looking at his exhausted face I probably would have believed him. Although his voice is slightly weak, he sounds better. He tries to climb out of bed, but his body it too weak. I slide my arm around his torso and pull him to his feet. I'm shocked to find how small his frame is; he feels fragile, like he might break at any moment.

"Are you sure about this?" I ask, steadying him.

"Yeah. Can we just go sit somewhere?" He asks, swaying a little. I pull his good arm around my neck and guide him from the room. "I know for a fact those rooms have surveillance," he says once we're out of the room.

"What?"

We come to a lookout at the end of the hall. I gently ease my arm out from under Tieria's and set him on the floor. I walk up to the window and stare out at the darkness.

"Are you ok?" I ask, looking back at his unusually pale face.

"Yeah. Athrun, did you say that Shinn saved you during the last battle you fought in?"

"Yeah," I say miserably. I still haven't said anything to Shinn about it.

"You don't get along well with him, do you? Initially I thought you were just anti social, but now I see that's not the case."

"We have a bit of a history. He injured me in training a while back, and then I… did something to hurt him," I trail off. I don't really feel like sharing the story about Luna with him. I only just became friends with him; if he found out, his respect for me would plummet like a mobile suit reentering the earth's atmosphere.

"Does it have something to do with that girl? Luna something?" His question catches me off guard, and I shoot him an interrogating glance. "I've seen the way she looks at you. I've also seen the way Shinn looks at her. I think I could cut the tension with a knife when the three of you are in the same room."

What is he, a mind reader now? I lean against the wall and fold my arms across my chest. "I've made mistakes in my past just like everyone else," I say confidently. Contrary to my statement, I never really decided if it was really a mistake or not. One thing I know for sure is that I hate the strain it has put on my friendship with Shinn. Shinn hasn't spoken to me since the event, and I haven't had the guts to talk to him.

"It's only human," Tieria says, snapping me out of my current trance.

"That isn't all thought," I say. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, but it feels almost relieving. "There's a reason we didn't get along in the first place. See, his parents were deported to Junius Seven under the orders of my father only a few months before it was attacked. I guess he figures he can hold me responsible by extent."

"They were naturals? I would have thought someone with his talent would be at least second generation. But I guess it explains the tension. If you guys are ever going to work together, you're going to going to have to set that aside, especially when you're putting your lives on the line like that." Tieria says, his voice trembling slightly.

"I know," I say. "Are you alright?" Tieria has his knees pulled high and he's hugging himself with his right arm.

"Cold. Circulation problems due to blood loss. I'm ok," he says shivering.

I unzip my hoodie and drape it around his shoulders before returning to my spot against the window. He's close to the same height as me, but his shoulders are much narrower and the hoodie is too big for him. Nonetheless, he slides his right arm through the sleeve and pulls it tightly around himself. "Thanks," he says. "Athrun I need to ask you something. You can choose not to answer if you want. Are you close with your father?" he asks, not making eye contact with me.

I lean against the window and slide down to sit on the floor. A thousand thoughts race through my mind, the most forward being that I have no father. "No," I finally force. I look up at him and see the expression of concern on his face. "He's never been much of a father figure."

"Judging by what happened to your friend, is it safe to assume that you don't agree with his ideals?" Tieria asks.

"Yeah," I say sadly. "I never understood his disregard for the naturals. Ever since my mother was killed he's just turned into a lunatic."

"I see. I have this theory; I know since you're his son you're the absolute last person I should be sharing this with, but I think you're also the only person that might be able to confirm it." Tieria stops and waits for me to confirm that it's ok to continue.

"Go for it," I say apathetically.

Tieria looks toward the window. "I too lost someone important to me during the attack on Junius Seven."

"Huh?" I say surprised, looking quickly in his direction. His eyes remain fixed on the window and he pulls the hoodie tighter around him.

"After the Junius Seven attack, I did some research. It took me a while to dig up the information I was looking for, but it turns out that over a hundred thousand naturals were given the option of moving to Junius Seven or to a third world country on earth. More than sixty thousand ended up on Junius seven, along with the twenty thousand that already resided there," he finally looks up at me. "The remaining eighty thousand naturals in the plants were wiped out the day Junius Seven was attacked. The reason that number remained on the down low was because two hundred thousand coordinators were killed as well. In my opinion, there have been great measures taken to cover this fact up. I think one of those measures could have been your mother. All of the naturals knew that Junius Seven was the only PLANT left for them, so why would that be the one they attacked?"

I can feel my eyes widen as my mind absorbs what I'm hearing. The idea that the attack could have been planned had crossed my mind, but I've never considered this type of evidence before. I've always tried to avoid the thought, since it directly accuses my father.

"Athrun, your father hates naturals beyond belief correct? Do you think he's capable of this kind of treachery?" Tieria looks up at me awaiting an answer.

"Yes," I say without even having to think. "I think he might have even sacrificed my mother in order to make it more believable." This idea horrifies me. To think that he was the reason for her death; no wonder he never really seemed all that upset.

I understand now why Tieria wanted to leave the infirmary and why he was worried about surveillance.

"Athrun, you can't speak of this to anyone. A co-worker of mine was arrested for bringing it up in front of a superior. But yeah, I just wanted your opinion. So you really think he could have been responsible?"

"Yeah, I think he could. But what do we do? We're being trained to fight for his morals, are we not?" I say cynically.

"No," Tieria say immediately. "We're being trained to fight to protect the PLANTs."

I look down at him as his breath quickens. He clasps a hand to his shoulder and his face twists in agony. "Come on, you need to get back to the infirmary," I say calmly, helping him to his feet.

"Athrun, wait," he says just as we're about to reenter the infirmary. "Not a word, ok?"

"Not a word."

* * *

I return to our sleeping quarters and climb onto my bunk, being careful not to wake any of the others. The bed underneath mine is empty in Tieria's absence, and Nicol's bed is adjacent to mine with Rey under his.

"Athrun," Nicol hisses from his bed, "are you just getting in? How's Tieria?"

I lean on my elbows to face him, "He's alright. Sorry to wake you. Go back to sleep," I whisper.

"Ok, night," Nicol whispers, and almost immediately the sound of his dull breathing comes from his bunk.

I lay back in my bed, facing the ceiling with my hands behind my head. My mind is spinning again. Forty eight hours ago I had never had a real conversation with Tieria, and now all of a sudden we're talking like we're best friends. I'm sharing things with him that I wouldn't share with most of my close friends. I don't know, it just feels like he understands. I know he's trustworthy; who would he tell? I've bonded with him over things I never thought that I would be able to speak to anyone about. Could what he said really be true? All those facts about Junius Seven? Did his information come from a reliable source? I don't know why, but something inside me tells me to trust him. It reminds me of Hylas. I almost feel like being friends with Tieria is an insult to his memory. I miss him; I hope he's ok wherever he is. I always felt protective over Hylas, and now in a way I feel like I look up to Tieria. He really is a soldier. Could it be that he's what I'm striving to be? Will I ever be like him? I realize that being like him requires a great deal of detachment. I think I'm well on my way…

* * *

**Yes! I am still alive! Exams are finished! And now I can focus on the important parts of life... writing and anime :)**

**I don't really have a whole lot to say about this chapter, other than that Tieria is getting more and more OOC. He's much friendlier in this story than in the series... Anyway, I like him better like this. And if you are reading this and still haven't checked out Gundam 00, you should definitely do that and meet the real Tieria... although you probably won't like him now that you've been introduced to a nicer version here. Ok, I'm babbling. Drop me a review and let me know what you think!! The more reviews the faster the next chapter will be posted :D**


	17. Chapter 17: Frankenstein

**Once again, I sincerely apologize for the amount of time it's taken me to post this. I have been SO busy I hardly have time to feed myself daily lol. Anyway, you've waited long enough, thanks for sticking with me! **

**

* * *

  
**

"Nicol, Athrun, wake up!"

I slowly open my eyes to see an average height figure with long blonde hair draped over his shoulders. I sit up and rapidly blink my eyes until they come into focus. Rey is standing just inside the door, fully dressed. I lean forward in time to see Nicol shoot bolt upright into a sitting position.

"What! Are we under attack?!?" Nicol yells, his eyes still closed as he flails his arms, nearly causing him to fall off his bed.

"No. We've just landed," Rey says in his calm, collected and monotone voice. "The captain wants all ship personnel to help with the camouflaging of the ship. Meet in the hangar in twenty minutes," he says, leaving the room before either of us has a chance to respond.

"Where's the bad guys?!" Nicol says, his limbs still thrashing about.

"Nicol, wake up," I say, throwing my pillow at him.

"Huh?" He says, finally opening his eyes. I laugh at him before climbing down from my bunk.

"Get ready, were going down to the hangar."

"Bad guys?!"

"No!"

* * *

Once assembled in the hangar, the four of us and most of the crewmen are briefed on how to set up the camouflage system. The surface of the ship is fairly jagged, leaving less surface area to allow transmitted radio waves to bounce back to an enemy ship. The flat areas are to be covered with a PVC cellular plastic material in order to absorb any radio waves that do happen to hit the ship. On top of this, we are to set up the proper visible light lamps in order to cancel out regular visible light. This makes the ship virtually invisible to an onlooker. I vaguely remember learning this in physics. Maybe I should start paying attention in class.

After about four hours slaving away in the heat, the task is complete. Now our best bet is to hurry and make the repairs we can before moving out to head back to Boaz. We return to the hangar and are briefed on the next task.

"We've assigned a team of crewmen to each of your three machines," Kayman says to Nicol, Rey and Shinn. "Asuka, since your machine is currently in the best condition, I'm going to ask that you be the one to physically transfer the engine from unit two to unit one. We will let you know when we're ready."

"Understood," Shinn says, saluting.

"Zala, go see if Erde's condition will allow him to assist us. Once the engine is transferred, you two will need to rewire it and recalibrate it while your crew repairs the damage to the arm and leg."

"Yes sir," I salute. I turn to exit the room.

* * *

"What took you so long?!" Tieria demands as I enter the room. He's sitting up in bed, apparently waiting impatiently.

"Sorry, camouflaging a ship of this caliber isn't exactly a walk in the park. How are you doing?" I ask, taking a much needed break in the chair beside his bed.

"Better. They said I couldn't leave until someone came to get me," Tieria says, carefully pulling the IV needle out of his arm and rubbing the reddened area.

"Good call on their part. I wouldn't let you run around the ship in your condition. For all we know you'd end up taking off in a mobile suit again."

"Whatever. I'm going to need my laptop." Tieria says ignoring my comment.

"You get ready to go. I'll get your computer and meet you back here in five," I say standing up against the will of my exhausted legs. I leave the room before he has a chance to respond.

I hurry up to our surrogate dorm and dig around at the bottom of Tieria's bed looking for his laptop bag. He's such a messy person. Even back at the academy; he's only been there a little over a week and his quarter of the dorm is already a disaster. I finally find the black narrow bag buried under the rest of his stuff and I pull the strap over my head, resting it on my left shoulder. I leave the room and head back to the infirmary. I find Tieria sitting up on the edge of his bed in his uniform struggling with his jacket.

"You know, no one expects you to be in your uniform. We're in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere; plus, you're doing us a favor," I say as I help him do up his jacket around his injured arm.

"Thanks, but it wouldn't feel right." He stands up and leads the way out of the infirmary.

"Where are you going?" I ask as he turns a corner in the opposite direction of the hangar.

"Coffee," he mumbles, looking back at me over his shoulder.

"Uhh, aren't you not supposed to have caffeine when you're on regenerative drugs?"

"It's never actually been proven to be a bad thing, it's just a precaution. I'm off the drugs anyway. Besides, you don't want me falling asleep while I'm programming your machine, who knows what could happen," he says laughing a little.

Now that I think about it, I can't think of a morning that I haven't seen him with a coffee in his hand.

"Do you drink coffee?" He asks, filling a cup almost to the top

"No," I say.

"Try it. It'll wake you up. You look about as exhausted as I feel," he laughs.

"Thank you," I say sarcastically, filling up a cup of my own. I take a sip of the bitter liquid and twist my face to a disgusted expression. Tieria just laughs at me.

"You get used to it."

Great

We arrive in the hangar in time to watch Shinn and unit three move the engine from unit two to unit one. I glance over at Tieria. His jacket hangs loosely off of his shoulders and the left sleeve hangs uselessly at his side. He holds his coffee cup in his right hand and slowly lifts it to his unusually pale face. He's trying to make it seem like he's ok, but it's clear that he's still not in very good condition. Just by the way he's standing displays his physical well being.

Once the engine is in place, Tieria explains to the crew how to rewire it. We are then boosted up to the cockpit on an extendable platform. Tieria plugs his computer into the output port of the engine and waits for his computer to start up. I nibble on the lid of my coffee cup mindlessly as I stare at the massive engine that means absolutely nothing to me. I don't know anything about any of its parts or how it works at all.

Once his computer boots up, Tieria starts typing at an unimaginable pace with only his right hand. I stare down in amazement as he runs through a program on an interface that I've never seen before.

Tieria pauses and turns to me, noticing the look of astonishment on my face. "I'm used to typing on two keyboards at once, that's the only reason I can do this. You should come watch; it doesn't hurt to know how to do this. It's really not that complex," he says, turning his laptop slightly as I sit down beside him and stare over his shoulder. He takes a sip of his coffee.

"It isn't overly complicated. I just have to reformat the OS for this specific machine and run through the set up. Kind of like you would do with a new computer. After that we just need to calibrate it to play to your strengths," He says, his fingers still flying over the keys of his laptop.

God, he multitasks like a woman.

"Right," I say, hoping to convince him that I have even the slightest clue as to what's going on. He runs through the program, entering data and jumping through pages before I can even read half of it.

"Hey, can you look under the clutch in the cockpit and get me the serial number and the polarimitry spec number?"

"Yeah, one sec," I say, standing up to climb into the cockpit. I search around under the clutch for the right numbers.

"The serial number should be twelve digits, and the other one is only three or four," Tieria calls from outside.

"Ok, ready? The serial number is 8476-3910-2249." I wait to hear him respond.

"Got it. Next?"

"And the other one is… 1.46. Is that everything?"

"Yeah, Thanks."

I climb out and sit back down on the platform beside Tieria.

"Lunch time guys," Kayman yells from the ground, "Take a break. You can finish after."

"Come on, Tieria. Let's go."

"Nah I'm gonna stay. I'm not hungry anyway. Go ahead though." Tieria insists, not taking his eyes off his computer screen.

"Its fine, I'll stay too. I haven't had much of an appetite since we left Boaz anyway," I say truthfully.

Tieria tries to explain what he's doing to me, but it goes right over my head and makes absolutely no sense to me. Eventually I just tell him not to bother trying to explain it; it will only slow him down.

Once Nicol finishes the repairs on his own machine, he comes to see if he can help with anything. Tieria tells him to hang around and learn about the system. Nicol stands behind him watching over his shoulder while I wander around looking at the engine and the cockpit themselves. Nicol seems to understand it a little better than I do, but he might just be better at pretending than I am.

We watch as he runs through the set up which would have taken us days, in only a couple of hours. I can't believe how many access codes and serial codes he has memorized. When the set up is finally complete, Nicol excuses himself and Tieria and I calibrate the ZAKU the way I want it. Still being a fairly new pilot, I don't really know how I want things set, and Tieria just guesses on most of it, asking me the odd question here or there.

"You like beams or swords better?" He asks, pausing to wait for my answer

"Well if I can take them out with a gun before they get close to me that's good, otherwise I don't mind close combat," I say, wracking my brain for an answer.

"Right," he says, returning to his keyboard.

Once the calibrations are complete, I stand up to stretch my legs out only to realize the hangar is almost completely empty.

"Try it out," Tieria insists, closing his laptop and moving to the gear shifter for the platform.

I climb into the cockpit and Tieria moves the platform to the floor. I switch on the machine and close the main hatch, bringing the dashboard to life. Actions such as this are starting to feel a little more natural. I move the limbs and walk around the hangar a bit to find that everything is more responsive than it was before. The damaged leg and arm have been repaired with the parts of the other ZAKU. After messing around with it a bit, I turn it off and take the entry cable to the ground.

"Wow, it's amazing, Tieria. Thanks!" I say, staring up at the now red _and_ white ZAKU.

"I installed a special feature on it as well," Tieria says. I look at him curiously. "It's something I've only ever used on my own practice machines, but I think you can handle it. It's an adjustment that decreases the energy used for movement precision and channels it towards the agility. Basically you can move faster but the movements won't be quite as certain. I figured it would be useful with the way you pilot. It might take a bit of getting used to, but I think you'll like it better."

Yawning, I follow Tieria towards the exit of the hangar and stop as he stares at the sky grasper.

"Don't even think about it," I say in mid yawn, pushing Tieria out of the hangar.

* * *

That evening, the five of us sit in the lounge crowded around a coffee table. Tieria has decided that it would be best if we try to devise our own battle tactics, as the captain doesn't really know our own personal styles. I sit on the larger of the two couches between Nicol and Tieria as we watch replays of our previous battle on the overhead screen.

"Nicol," Tieria begins, pausing the monitor, "you prefer the long range style, correct?"

"Yeah. I like to avoid direct combat if possible," Nicol says, looking a little embarrassed.

"OK, so if another battle happens to befall us, you take on the role of defensive defense, ok? As you saw in the last battle, this ship carries a buster rifle; you should take it. Rey, you will be offensive defense. You remain just ahead of Nicol unless one of the offences fails, then you will move up to offence and Nicol will be the last line of defense." Shinn's red eyes seem to resemble that of fire as he listens to Tieria give orders. "Athrun and Shinn, offence ok? Athrun, you go in first. Shinn, you provide support. Got it?"

"Who put you in charge? I don't have to take orders from you. You were the first one knocked out anyway. You'll get us all killed with your recklessness." Shinn spouts arrogantly.

Tieria looks taken aback by Shinn's words.

"Do you have a better idea, Shinn?" I say in Tieria's defense.

The expression on Shinn's face blatantly shows that he hadn't thought that far ahead.

"Athrun and Shinn should go in together. I'll cover them both and Nicol can move in if necessary." Rey says calmly.

"Are you ok with that, Nicol?" Tieria asks hesitantly.

"Uh yeah. As long as it's ok with you, Athrun."

"Yeah that's fine. Shinn, what side do you want?" I ask Shinn in an unaggressive tone. Shinn looks at me as though he wants to respond angrily, but I've put him in a position where he can't be a jerk.

"I'll take right," Shinn says in a defeated tone.

"Right then. Anything else?" Tieria asks, re-asserting his role as leader.

"Yeah. Quit trying to give me orders," Shinn says angrily. He's obviously looking for someone to release his rage upon.

"Listen Shinn," Tieria says calmly, getting in Shinn's face, "whether you like it or not, as a Red uniform, I am your superior. I have every right to give you orders on or off the battle field, so deal with it. You need to learn some self discipline otherwise you're completely wasting your time being a soldier. Got it?"

Shinn stares into Tieria's eyes, as if waiting for him to back down. Finally Shinn salutes and walks away angrily.

As he exits the room, Tieria turns to me and smiles. "There you go, now he can be angry at me rather than you. It should work to your benefit since you two might be fighting together again."

"Thanks," I say as Rey leaves the room. Something tells me Rey is running off to tell Shinn what Tieria just said.

"I'm going to talk to Kayman about calibrating unit four for the buster rifle," Tieria says, standing up to head for the door. He groans in pain and nearly falls into the wall.

"Tieria – "

"I'll go," Nicol says, helping him up before leaving the room.

"You ok?" I ask, sitting him down on the couch.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just weak," he says, pushing his glasses up his nose and running a hand through his hair.

"Sorry about Shinn. He's just… an angry person," I say, trying to compensate for Shinn's words.

"It's fine. He'll figure it out eventually. Just keep in mind that you'll never be able to fight on a team with him to your full extent unless you trust him. If there's conflict off the battle field, there's going to be conflict on the battle field as well. Plus, it won't only affect the two you, it will affect how the entire team functions – especially in this case since you two are the offensive pair."

"Right. I know." I trail off.

"ALL HANDS TO LEVEL ONE BATTLE STATIONS. PILOTS PLEASE STAND BY IN YOUR MACHINES!"

"What?! We just took off," I yell, jumping to my feet.

"Go! And remember what I said," Tieria says as I leave the room.

I hurry to the locker room and suit up in my pilot suit. I then boost into my cockpit and close the hatch.

"Enemies approaching. Pilots, please launch!"

"Athrun Zala, Zaku Lauching!!!" I yell as loud as I can as I'm boosted into the battle field.

"Athrun," Tieria's face pops up on my screen, "the code 0462 initiates the agility booster."

"Right!" I say, pulling down my keyboard to punch in the code

"Agility booster?" I hear Kayman ask Tieria. He doesn't answer.

"Athrun," I hear Shinn's voice say. His face too, pops up on the screen. "I'll provide support. Go ahead." Wow, did he finally come to his senses and listen to Tieria? Maybe Rey said something to him.

This is it. I pull out my particle gun and snipe a few of the targets. Once I'm further in, I whip out my beam hatchet and with a few swings, am able to take a few more machines. Shinn is carefully shooting his beam rifle from behind me, covering me as he is supposed to. I look around to see that the enemy numbers have quickly decreased. Was that all me and Shinn??

"Athrun! Shinn! I'm firing from your left! Stay clear!" Nicol calls out as a thick particle beam blasts by us with an unimaginable intensity. I can almost feel the heat from it.

"Unit one! To your right!" Rey's voice calls out as an enemy suit brings its sword down on my right arm, knocking the beam hatchet from my reach. Shinn approaches to provide support, and I pull out the ZAKU's knives which prove to be of little use against so many machines.

"Units one and three, pull back. The ship is being bombarded" The captains voice echoes through my cockpit.

"Unit four has taken heavy damage!" Kayman yells.

"Reinforcements are approaching! Reposition yourselves!"

I watch as at least ten more enemy machines quickly approach us. Crap! Are we done for?

Suddenly a blue and white fighter plane shoots from the Vertier and takes down two enemy suits with two subsequent shots.

"Who's in the sky graspers?!" I yell.

"Who else?" Kayman says calmly, "I tried to stop him…"

"Tieria!" I yell in disapproval.

Tieria's helmeted face appears on my screen; his sling hangs empty around his neck. "Athrun, I'm bringing you a spare sword," he says as he approaches me. He fires a missile at an enemy suit that's just about to take a shot at me as he drops the sword into my reach.

"Don't drop it!" Tieria yells as he flies further into battle.

I catch the lengthy sword and swing it through the torso of another approaching enemy. Why didn't I use this thing from the beginning!

"Athrun, Shinn, take offence. Rey, move up. I'll cover Nicol on defense!" Tieria yells as he doubles back in the sky grasper.

A new sense of determination erupts within me as I hammer my foot down on the foot pedal to thrust forward. I scream out loudly as I swing my sword horizontally through three suits. Utilizing the agility booster, I quickly move from enemy to enemy, shooting as many as I can before engaging in close combat with the sword.

"They're retreating! Pilots, please return to the ship," the captain says in a relieved tone.

I did it. I managed to fight without being distracted by thoughts flying through my mind. I shut my brain off completely from everything except the battle at hand. I smile proudly to myself, and look out through my main camera to see the sky grasper make almost a crash landing.

"Tieria!" I still can't believe he went back out there… AGAIN! I quickly exit my cockpit in time to see Tieria basically fall out of the Sky Grasper's cockpit clutching his shoulder.

"I'm ok," he insists as I approach him. There's blood on his shirt again, but nothing compared to the last battle. "Really," he looks up at me, "I'm alright." I offer him my hand, and he takes it as I pull him to his feet. Nicol and I help him to the infirmary again where the doctor rebandages his wounds and gives him a shot of cell regenerative medication. He is then permitted to leave.

We return to the pilots' lounge where we find Rey and an embarrassed-looking Shinn. Tieria lies down on the couch and I dramatically fall to the floor. Stretching out on the soft carpet, I close my eyes only to feel water hit my face.

"Hey! What the hell!" I open my eyes to see Nicol standing over me with a water bottle held horizontally over my head. He laughs then replaces the lid before handing it to me.

"Thanks," I say as he hands one to each of the other four.

I sit up and drink from the bottle. Rey follows Shinn out of the room as Nicol and I begin to giggle. "Man, he's hopeless," I say.

"He'll learn. Just give him a chance," Tieria says, his eyes closed and his right wrist rested on his forehead.

"Thanks for the backup out there," I say to him.

He opens his eyes, "no problem. I figured I owed you anyway."

"Maybe try to avoid combat for a while though, hey?" Nicol says smiling

"No promises," Tieria jokes.

"Remind me to lock him in his room next time we sortie," I say to Nicol, laughing as well.

"ATTENTION ALL PERSONEL," the captain's voice fills the room.

Crap, not again!

"WE HAVE JUST ENTERED ZAFT TERRITORY. WE WILL BE DOCKING AT BOAZ IN NO MORE THAN FOUR HOURS."

"Nice!" Nicol yells. "Tieria, you ok?" he asks, noticing the agonized expression on Tieria's face.

"Yeah. It's just the regenerative drugs," he insists.

"No, it's all the caffeine in your system!" I say jokingly.

"I'm telling you! It's never been proven!" He yells.

"Right. Whatever helps you sleep at night," I laugh.

"Um, should we take him back to the infirmary?" Nicol asks, kneeling down beside Tieria's head.

"Nah, he'll be fine."

* * *

"I want to thank you five for everything. All of your combat data will be forwarded to the academy, and I will speak directly with the head of the academy regarding your accomplishments. I'll admit, I was skeptical at first about having undergraduate students protecting the ship, but I can see now why you five were selected. I know you will all go on to accomplish great things, and I hope to have the pleasure of meeting you all again." The captain of the Vertier salutes, and we return salute.

We then turn to reenter the academy.

* * *

**Once again, thank you for supporting me after all this time. I know how frustrating it can be waiting for updates. At least I didn't leave you with a cliff hanger!! **

**I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this, but the reason I made Athrun and Tieria have very similar voices (mentioned when Tieria was first introduced) was because in the english versions of Gundam Seed and Gundam 00, both are voiced by (my favorite voice actor!) Sam Vincent. **

**On another note, I was so desperate to get this chapter up quick that I didn't have my editor proof read it! So please forgive me for any grammatical or spelling errors. **

**I'm not sure how long it will be till the next chapter is posted, but hopefully sooner than later! I get reading break for a week soon, and I fully intend on doing nothing so perhaps I'll pump out a couple more chapters then!**

Until next time! 


	18. Chapter 18: The Art of Shopping

That evening I lay curled up on the couch in the dark common room. I would assume that the reason no one else is around is because it's roughly dinner time. I'm sure it won't be long before someone comes back and finds some cruel way to wake me up, such as dumping water on my head. Everyone knows that falling asleep in the common room is all together a bad idea unless someone is standing guard. Nevertheless, here I am, vulnerably drifting in and out of consciousness on the couch.

Now that I think about it, it's pretty extraordinary that we all survived. The way we go out there and kill individual enemies like they're nothing is mildly unsettling; especially considering that to another pilot, that's all I am as well. It would be so easy for an enemy to take me out with a swing of a sword when my back is turned.

I'm beginning to think that becoming a soldier was pretty much a death wish on my part. Ugh, I don't even want to think about my chances of surviving until I'm twenty. I guess I might as well face the facts. What's the point in having hopes and dreams if I'm pretty well guaranteed to die fighting? Do I just abandon all hope or what? What do I have left anyway? The only people in the world that I care about are in the same place as me.

I wonder if it would even faze my father if I died. Would he be upset? Or would he just consider me to be another ordinary casualty. Considering he almost killed me that night when he was trying to find Hylas, I don't think he would be all that bothered by my death. My mind returns to the horrendous scene. I've gotten to the point now where I know the dream isn't reality – anymore, so it doesn't scare me anymore. It just pains me to think that my father would do that to me. Every night I have the same dream; I'm stuck in that room and my father asks where Hylas is. I'm never able to answer, whether I want to or not, and he points the gun in my face. The worst part is that unless something wakes me up, the dream doesn't end until I hear the gunshot.

My eyes shoot open and I wake up as I always do, clutching my right shoulder.

"Athrun? Are you ok?"

I look up to see Lunamaria standing over me. She's wearing a pair of light blue and white striped pajama pants and pink tank top. I slowly turn my head to make eye contact with her, and I cautiously bring my hand down from my shoulder. "Yeah," I finally say.

"Listen, we need to talk," she begins, the expression on her face immediately appalls me, and I look around for any excuse I can think of to leave. I'm starting to wish someone would have dumped water on my head. Defeated, I finally agree to talk to her, and I sit up to allow her to sit down.

"What's up?" I ask in the most casual tone I can force.

"About that night – I haven't stopped thinking about you. I've tried to stop, I've tried to get over it but I can't," she says, her voice is shaking.

What do I say to that? I haven't stopped thinking about her either, but I have no idea what she'll say or assume if I tell her. I think back to what Tieria said, about how I need to make peace with Shinn. He saved my life, the last thing I should be doing is giving Luna a reason to think there's hope for us.

"Luna, I –"

"Shinn and I broke up. What you and I shared that night, I meant it. I meant every second of it. I want to be with you, Athrun. I can't be without you," she says sobbing. She throws herself at me and buries her head in my chest. I lift my arm to put it comfortingly on her back, but then think better of it. My heart is pounding, what do I do?

"Luna, I'm sorry," I finally spit out. I don't think I need to say much else. Whether she meant it that night, whether she means it now… it's all irrelevant.

"You're sorry?" she says, quickly moving back from me, a desperate look on her crying face. "What do you mean you're sorry?!"

"I'm sorry Luna, I just can't. If I'm going to work with and fight alongside Shinn, I can't have that kind of tension between us. I can't coexist with him if this is happening. And most of all, I can't hurt him anymore. He doesn't deserve it. You should understand that." I cowardly avoid making eye contact with her, and I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees.

"You're going to let your training – your work come between us? We're meant to be together, I felt it that night! I've never felt that way around someone before. I know you felt it to, Athrun! Stop trying to deny it to yourself!" Her tone is exasperated, and tears are flowing down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to do this to her; I do, after all still have feelings for her. She's the first girl I ever kissed, the first girl I had true feelings for. I hate to see her sad, to make her cry. But this has to be done. "I'm sorry, Luna."

She looks at me, and her mouth hangs open as though she wants to say something, but nothing comes out. Rather, she turns and runs out the door. She stops in the doorway and turns to her left, "What are you looking at?! You nosey bastard!" I hear her slap our eavesdropper in the face, and she turns to run in the direction of her dorm.

Someone was listening? How much did they hear, and who is it? What if it's Shinn?! I feel my heart beating even harder as I stare intently, waiting for the person to walk around the corner. I heave a sigh of relief as Tieria walks in, holding his right hand to his cheek, an embarrassed expression displayed on his face.

"That was rough," he says, slowly moving to sit in the chair across from me.

"Are you ok?" I ask, humiliated that he heard any, if not all of it.

"No, I mean that conversation, if you could even call it that. Are _you_ ok?" He asks, dropping his hand from his reddened cheek.

"Yeah well, it needed to be done."

"You really like her, don't you?" Tieria asks awkwardly.

"She has my virginity," I say impulsively, mentally kicking myself for saying it out loud.

"Do you have hers?" Tieria asks, not taking too much time to respond.

If I hadn't already been metaphorically kicked in the face several times in the last few minutes this would probably have come as a shock. I've never really thought about it. Luna had seemed like she knew what she was doing during the act, but how would I know if she was experienced or not? It could have been all wrong and I never would have known; it just felt right. "I don't know," I finally say.

"I think you did the right thing. I know this isn't the best time to tell you this, but I think it's safe to say that you and Shinn will fight together as a team again," Tieria says, tilting his head to the side to look at me.

"What?" I ask, looking back at him, "what do you mean?"

"That last battle, before I took off in the sky grasper, I watched a bit of the fight. The way you and Shinn fought together, the way you supported and complimented each other was unbelievable. Once the higher ups catch word of that, there's a pretty good chance that you'll find yourself fighting with him again," Tieria says informatively.

"Great," I say simply.

"You need to turn over a clean slate with him, and I think you just took the first step. How can you fight to your fullest with someone; how do you place your life in their hands if you don't trust them?"

I feel my eyes widen as Tieria's words hit me like a ton of bricks. He's right. I'll do it; I have to do it. If I'm going to stand a chance of succeeding, or surviving rather, in this 'career' that I've chosen for myself, I have to do anything and everything I can to keep luck on my side. I'll make peace with Shinn; I'll do whatever I have to.

"One more question," Tieria says, interrupting my thoughts and putting his hand back to his cheek. I look up at him. "Why do girls hit so hard?"

* * *

I awaken to the sound of Nicol's alarm clock screaming from across the room. At first it startles me, but then I realize we're not on the Vertier anymore. I hear Nicol groan and smack the alarm clock with the palm of his hand. My eyes flutter open and I wait for them to focus on the ceiling above my head. I hear a curtain fly open, and I force myself to sit up and pull my own open. I lean forward and rest my chin on the edge of the bed. Tieria and Kira both pull open their curtains and we all just lie lazily in our beds.

"So how'd the mission go?" Kira finally asks. He hadn't been around last night when I conked out at like 21:00.

"Eh. Not too bad I guess. We all came back in once piece… well, almost," I say glancing over at Tieria. "I'm gonna take a shower." I jump off my bed, doing my best to land as close to the bathroom door as I can, leaving me with fewer steps to take until I actually reach the shower.

I never thought I'd appreciate being on solid ground this much. It's great not having to worry about the level one battle station alarm ringing in the middle of the night. I step into the shower and turn on the hot water. My eyes are barely open and I allow the water to run over my face, which does nothing to wake me up. It's so relaxing that I don't want to get out. Finally I wash my hair and my body and stumble out of the shower in search of a towel. I dry myself and pull on my boxers and a pair of shorts. I glance at my worn looking face in the mirror; I look as though I haven't slept in a week. Actually, come to think of it, that's pretty well the case. I stare closely at the scar on my shoulder; it's finally lessened enough so that I can pass it off as something that's always been there.

"ATHRUN!" Kira yells as I open the bathroom door.

"Huh?" I say as I dig for a shirt in my drawer, partially ignoring him.

"What did you do to this guy?!" Kira says loudly, his index finger pointed in Tieria's direction, "He talks!"

I laugh, "yeah, and he's even friendly sometimes," I say as I pull a light blue t-shirt over my head. I turn to face Tieria, only to have a pillow make contact with my face. I pick it up with the intent to throw it back, then decide it's probably best not to.

"You're coming into town with us today, right Tieria?" Kira asks kindly.

"No, I think I'm going to stay here. I have a lot of work to catch up on," Tieria says, avoiding eye contact.

"What?! No way! You're coming with us. You can't type with one hand anyway," Kira says, picking up the pillow to toss it back up to Tieria's bunk.

"I can too!" Tieria protests, "just ask Athrun." Kira turns his head to me and I raise my eyebrows and nod.

"Whatever, you're coming. You guys all need a day to relax." Kira insists.

"Really, I'd rather not. Plus the doctor said I'm not supposed to exert myself," Tieria says persistently.

"It's shopping …" Kira says in a dull tone.

"You didn't seem to have a problem with it when we were back on the Vertier. You know, when you risked your life and went back out on the battle field," I tease.

"This isn't a life or death situation!" Tieria argues.

"Yeah it is! If I have to be seen with you in that pink cardigan one more time I'm going to die!" Kira says, laughing.

"Hey!" Tieria yells.

"I'm joking! Relax. Come on, you can see Athrun's apartment!" Kira pleads excitedly.

"You can see Athrun's car!" Nicol jumps in.

"Athrun has a car?!" Tieria says, swinging his head in my direction. I drop my hand behind my head and grin sheepishly.

"Come on, get up, get dressed; we're leaving soon," Kira says without waiting for an answer before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

"Pfft, easier said than done," Tieria says as he struggles to climb off his bed, his left arm and shoulder still next to useless.

With a little more persuading, Tieria agrees to come with us. He's almost completely silent on the bus ride into town. I sit beside him as he stares almost nervously out the window. I can't help but wonder what his past was like.

"Have you ever been to this mall before?" I ask, startling him slightly.

"I've never been to any mall before," he says, his pale face glowing red.

"What?! You've never been to a mall?" I say loudly, almost yelling.

Nicol and Kira pop their heads up over the top of the seat in front of us simultaneously, both with shocked expressions on their faces.

"What?!" Kira wails.

"Have you been living under a rock?" Nicol asks.

Tieria inches back into the corner of his seat, wincing as his shoulders tense. I instantly feel bad for him. Why does he always cower like that? What is up with this guy?

"Well, this should be fun then," I say smiling, trying to make Tieria feel less intimidated.

Finally the bus comes to a halt and we wait as the rest of the students hurry past us. Once everyone else gets off, we too head towards the large shopping destination. Tieria stands staring at it as though it's a historic artifact that he's just discovered.

"That's what I thought the first time I saw it too," I say to him, remembering my own first impression of the massive building.

"Come on, it's not meant to be stared at," Kira says, pushing Tieria toward the front doors.

"Ow!" Tieria whines.

I watch him intently as we enter the doors; he looks almost like a child the way he gazes around at the entrance.

"Where to first?" Nicol asks joyfully.

"I think we should take Tieria clothes shopping," I say, shooting a grin in Kira's direction.

Kira catches my drift, "Yeah, you dress like an old lady, Tieria."

"Hey I do not!" Tieria exclaims, "What is this, harass Tieria day?"

"Pretty much," Nicol says.

"It's constructive criticism," Kira insists.

"Hmmm," I say, examining his apparel, "The jeans are fine for now, but you need to lose the shoes and the dress shirt. The cardigan…. Enough said," I laugh. Tieria is wearing the clothing he wore when I first met him. Blue jeans, yellow dress shirt, pink cardigan and black dress shoes.

"Shoe store!!" Kira yells out, throwing his fist into the air excitedly. He then pushes Tieria in the direction of his favourite shoe store.

"Quit pushing me!" Tieria complains, obviously a little annoyed that he's still being picked on.

Less than a minute after we enter the store, Kira is in Tieria's face with a handful of shoes "Ok! Which do you like of these three?"

"Uhh, none of them?" Tieria says, barely even looking at the shoes.

"What!? Come on! Ok, one sec!" Kira says, running back to the wall.

"He sure has a lot of energy," Tieria says to me as I walk up to him.

"He just gets excited at the prospect of shoe shopping," I laugh. "Why don't you go look at the wall rather than letting Kira pick for you," I suggest.

Tieria walks up to the wall and stares at a few rows before plucking a white converse shoe off its stand. "Now what?" He asks in a bored tone.

"You ask the associate for your size. Don't tell me you've never bought your own shoes before?! Um, excuse me, ma'am," I say, flagging down an associate, "can he get this in a…. what size are you?" I ask Tieria.

"I have no idea," he answers.

I plunge my forehead into the palm of my hand.

"That's alright," she says, "We can measure you over here. Come have a seat."

I follow Tieria and the young looking sales associate to the bench where she sits him down.

"So how did you hurt your arm?" She asks him, taking note of his sling and trying to create conversation.

"I fell," Tieria says impolitely. She looks slightly caught off guard by his arrogance, and she looks back down at her measuring device.

"You're an eight. I'll be right back," she says, obviously forcing a cheerful tone.

"Tieria, you don't have to be a jerk," I say to him.

"It's none of her business," he says.

She brings him back a pair of shoes in his size and he agrees to buy them, whether or not it was just to get out of the store, I'm not sure.

"Where to now?" Nicol asks as we leave the shoe store.

"What about Ragna-rock?" Kira suggests.

"I dunno, that might be a bit much. Let's take it one step at a time. What about…."

"Uh… where did Tieria go?" Kira says, glancing around.

I too, begin looking around; I didn't even notice he was gone. "He couldn't have gotten far."

"Athrun!"

I turn around to see Tieria waving at me from inside Golden Plum. "This store has great stuff!"

Kira and Nicol join me in the doorway, and my jaw drops to the ground. Two elderly women are standing on either side of Tieria commenting on his cardigan and all three of them are giggling.

"Tieria," I hiss across the store, gesturing for him to come over.

"Tieria, that's a senior store…" I say to him as he walks up to me.

"Yeah, and you've got old ladies hitting on you!" Kira giggles.

"What! I like it, I'm going back in," Tieria turns to reenter the store

"No!" I say, tugging his right arm. "I'll show you a store you'll like better."

Finally he agrees.

"Ok, what do you think of this?" Nicol asks, holding up a black v-neck t-shirt.

"Too flamboyant," Tieria says.

Kira snickers, and Tieria shots him a dirty look.

"Ok, this?" I say holding up a red hoodie.

"Don't you think we have enough red clothing?"

"Good call. Hmm… what about this?" I ask, showing him a black and white striped cardigan.

"Actually, it isn't bad," Tieria says, moving closer to me to get a better look.

"What?! You actually like something?" Kira says jokingly.

"Try it on!" Nicol insists.

"I can't" Tieria says, hugging his left arm with his right.

"He's a small," I say, throwing the cardigan at him. He catches it swiftly just before it hits his head, and he lowers it to examine it more closely.

We all end up spending our fair share of money in that particular store. Once we're done, we wander down towards the food court; Kira had insisted that it was something Tieria needed to experience.

"What?! You've never had fast food before?!" Kira bellows as we enter the food court. Tieria recoils as if he thinks Kira is going to hit him. Poor guy, what's he so afraid of? Or better yet, why is he so timid?

"Lunch is on me. Nicol, take Tieria and go find a table. Kira and I will get food. What do you want?"

"Whatever you guys are getting," he says, dragging Tieria to an empty table.

The look on Tieria's face as we put the burger and fries in front of him is priceless! He looks as though he's going to puke; his face even turns an unusual shade of green.

"You can't call yourself a normal human being if you've never had a burger," Kira says, biting into his own burger.

"I never said I was…" Tieria says with a disgusted look on his face.

"Just try it," I mumble, chewing on a French fry.

"Eat the burger, Tieria," Nicol says, smiling.

"The what?"

Kira slaps his palm to his forehead.

"Fine, fine!" Tieria says, lifting the burger to his mouth and taking a bite. We all watch intently as his face turns from a sour expression to one of astonishment.

"It's good right?" Nicol asks.

"That was unexpected…" Tieria says in a monotone voice. "This can't be good for me." He takes another bite.

"It's better if you don't think about it," I laugh.

"Do they have this kind of the thing at the academy?"

"There's a snack bar downstairs that sells fast food, but it's too unhealthy for the main cafeteria," Kira explains.

Once finished, we slowly make our way back to my apartment. I unlock the door and wander inside to the kitchen, placing my shopping bags on the marble counter. Kira collapses onto the couch and Nicol runs for the bathroom. I turn back to see Tieria standing in the doorway, gaping at the room in front of him.

"You can come in," I say, taking his bags from his right hand and closing the door behind him.

"This is yours?" he asks, getting out of the way so I can close the door.

"Yeah. It's pretty awesome hey?" I ask; trying not to sound conceited.

Tieria continues to stare around the room in awe before finally sitting down cautiously on the couch.

"I'll be right back," I say, standing up to head for my bedroom. Pulling the hoodie over my head and throwing it on the floor results in nearly losing my wristband. My eyes dart down to my bare wrist; other than a few scars, it's clean. It's been a while since I last cut myself. Maybe I can go to the pool back at the academy. It's always been something I've wanted to do, but I never have for risk of exposing my wrist. I pull the wrist band back over my hand and pick up the brass key from my dresser. I turn to leave the room, but then stop and take my own keys out of my pocket. Sitting down on the end of the bed, I take my key off my keychain and I replace it with the one from my dresser – Hylas's key. Almost instinctively my hand draws the necklace out from under my shirt and grips it tightly between my fingers. _I hope you're ok, Hylas._

"Here, Tieria," I say, handing the key to him as I reenter the main room.

"What's this?" he asks, taking the key.

"The key for the apartment. Both these intruders have one; come here anytime. It's kind of like our place of refuge."

"Oh… thanks," he says, still sounding a bit confused.

"So Tieria," Kira beings with typical his mischievous grin crossing his face, "I've seen your simulation scores, but can you play real video games? How about a round of CS?"

Tieria laughs modestly, "not with my arm like this, but if you'd like to get your ass kicked another day, I'm in."

"OOOOOH" Nicol and I taunt simultaneously.

"You're on," Kira laughs, "Next time we're here then."

I can't help but notice the smile on Tieria's face. He seems happier than I think I've ever seen him. Is he finally starting to feel comfortable around us? I expected it to take him longer to warm up to us. Has he ever had friends like this? He seems like a lost dog that's been kept in a cage all his life. I wish I knew more about his past.

"Tieria, you have to see Athrun's car," Nicol says excitedly.

"I can't believe you have a car…" Tieria says.

"Go show him, Nicol," I say, tossing him my keys. "But don't let him drive. You've seen him pilot a mobile suit," I joke.

"Hey! I saved your ass out there!" he complains, "more than once!"

"I'm kidding. Now go gawk at the car," I laugh. "But seriously Nicol, don't let him drive it." Tieria shoots me a dirty look before following Nicol out of the room.

As Nicol and Tieria leave the apartment, Kira disappears into 'his room' to get changed, and I wander out onto the balcony. Despite the fact that it's dangerously high off the ground, leaning over the railing is comforting. I wish I could spend more time here, it's like I have this great place and I never get to be here. I'm looking forward to next weekend when I can spend the weekend here. I wonder I'll be alone.

"So, I'll admit even I'm surprised," Kira says as he walks out and leans on the balcony beside me. He's wearing the new bright green t-shirt he bought only hours ago. "When you left for that mission, you couldn't stand Tieria, now you guys seem pretty close."

"I wouldn't say close, Nicol was actually the one who got me to talk to him in the first place."

"How did he manage that? Even I couldn't get you to give him a chance."

"I don't really know. Tieria was injured in our second battle and my machine was destroyed too. I didn't really have any excuse _not_ to talk to him. I guess I just felt obligated. I've never really met someone like him. Despite his lack of experience in real combat, he really is more of a soldier than anyone at the academy. I still don't understand how, even though he was physically unable to pilot his machine, he still went back out there in order to complete the mission and protect the ship. Even though he was almost guaranteed to fail, he still did it – several times! And yet he can be a perfectly normal kid when he's not in battle."

"I wouldn't say perfectly normal," Kira says, turning his head in my direction. "He has _traumatic experience_ written all over him, but aside from that I think it's because he knows what he's fighting for."

"I don't know if I'll ever be like that, I don't think I'm that strong – that crazy. Do you have to be mentally psychotic to be a soldier?" I ask in an exasperated tone.

"You have to know why you're doing it," Kira says.

"I don't know if I do…"

"There's a reason, you just haven't realized it yet. Something provoked you to join the military and you couldn't have come this far without it." I've heard these words before…

"Nice car, Athrun," Tieria says, making his presence known as he walks out onto the balcony.

"Thanks, it just kind of appeared in the parkade when I moved in."

"Ok kidlettes, we should go back down to the mall. The shuttle should be here soon," Kira says.

* * *

**Not a whole lot to say here, other than that I'm super proud to have gotten this posted in a decent time frame. The next chapter needs quite a bit of editing, but since I'm on reading break, I'll probably try to have it up in the next week or so. **

**This chapter was a little bit lighter... I think it was needed. Let me know what you thought!**


	19. Chapter 19: Truth and Lies

**So I'd like to start off by saying I'm sorry this took so long, my life has been incredibly dramatic in the last month and I haven't had the mental capacity for anything lol. Anyway, this chapter is twice as long as most of my previous chapters! So that's how I can make it up to you. **

**Also, when my friend read over this the first time, he told me it was boring. I thought about shortening it. There isn't a whole lot of action in it, but its very emotional. Then I realized this whole story is pretty damn emotional/angsty, so if you've come this far then clearly you enjoy that kind of story lol. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me, and enjoy this super long, 10,000+ word chapter! WOOT!**

* * *

That evening, we're called to a meeting in the common room. I curl up into my usual recliner and wait quietly in the noisy room for Mu to arrive. When he finally enters the room – unusually late, he carries a large white paper bag in his hand and a serious expression on his face.

"I apologize for not taking the opportunity to speak with you last night," he begins, sounding unusually formal. "As you all know, five members of our group were sent into battle this past week. I have received word from captain Grinnheart that the team provided a tremendous amount of support to the crew of the Vertier, on and off the battlefield." Mu looks in our direction, "The captain was shocked at how well the five of you acted as a team, even designing your own battle tactics and procedures despite your short amount of combat training," he grins down at us, and then lifts his head to face the rest of the students. "Even in the face of death, they fought desperately, yet calmly, and never gave up." Mu shoots Tieria a commending glance.

"You will each be awarded a special rank not normally given to students who have not yet graduated." Mu bows his head at this statement, and the rest of the students in the room clap quietly. "But I have to ask, what's this about you guys frankensteining a ZAKU?" He says, a grin on his face.

"Uh, yeah…" I say, laughing a bit, "…about that. Talk to Tieria."

"It was your idea," Tieria counters quietly.

Mu just laughs. "We'll chat about that later on – you guys might have to give me some pointers. I have one more important announcement before I can dismiss you," he says, resuming a more serious tone. I would now like to call on Shinn Asuka, who after careful review is being promoted to a ZAFT Red."

I glance over to Shinn to catch his eyes light up with joy. He stands up, and he and Mu salute each other before Mu hands him the white bag, which is likely his new uniform.

"Thank you sir," Shinn says.

I suppose during that second battle on the Vertier he must have done something incredible. After I was brought aboard the ship I paid little attention to what was going on outside. Otherwise I would think Rey and Nicol would have been promoted as well.

"The secretary of defense is watching this group closely," he says as Shinn sits back down, his face still glowing, "So let this serve as an incentive to all of you to put in one hundred and ten percent at all times. This conflict is currently escalating into what could become a full blow war. Teams of soldiers are being thrown together at random, so you never know when your chance will come."

I glance back in Shinn's direction; his red eyes have not stopped beaming – I've never seen him look quite so innocent and happy. I can't help thinking, maybe he is human after all; a regular person just like me, trying to deal with the stress of being a teenager alone in this world while simultaneously trying to acquire the skills of a hardened soldier.

* * *

I sit impatiently at my desk as I wait for Kira to finish changing into his swim shorts. It's been a long day and we're all thrilled at the prospect of going down to the pool. It was weird to return to regular classes today. I couldn't help but notice that Shinn and Luna seemed closer than they have been in the last few days. I wonder if it has something to do with Shinn's new status. Did she lie to me? Or is she now lying to Shinn? Either way, she said she couldn't be without me, so she lied to one of us. Since our mission, I've had this idea in my head that training should be a breeze, now I'm not sure if they've stepped it up a level or if I'm just exhausted, but it seems more difficult than usual. Regardless, I'm doing my best to put everything I have into it now that I've seen what it's all for. It's to the point where it doesn't matter that I still don't know why I'm here; the prospect of dying on the battlefield is enough motivation for anyone.

"Ready?" Kira asks, exiting the bathroom and flicking water in my face.

"Hey, what the hell?" I yell, wiping the water off my face.

"You're supposed to take a shower before you go in the pool, remember?"

"Yeah, in the _change rooms_!"

"Whatever, let's go," Kira says. Nicol and even Tieria, who has agreed to come sit in the hot tub, follow us down the hallway.

The cold water feels amazing as I dive into the deep end of the pool. What feels better however, is not wearing my wrist band. It's the first time I've left my wrist exposed since I've been here at the academy. It isn't only physically a good feeling, but knowing that I haven't emotionally broken down in a while feels great. Maybe I'm growing past it.

There are several other people in the pool, and Kira, Nicol and I join in on a game of volley ball in the shallow end of the pool. Kira of course is showing off, but it makes for a good laugh when he gets drilled in the back of the head when he has his back turned.

Finally I decide to join Tieria in the hot tub. The large hot tub too, is filled with several people. Tieria sits at the far end by himself. I climb out of the pool, holding my right arm close to my body. Although there are no recent cuts on my arm, there are still scars, and if anyone is going to notice them it will be Tieria.

"Hey, how's it going?" I ask as I jump into the hot tub. The overwhelming heat causes me to quickly jump back onto the stairs; holy crap it's hot!

Tieria laughs at me. "Not bad, how's the pool?" he asks.

"It's nice. This is the first time I've been down here," I say as I slowly ease my body into the hot water. "So is this place anything like where you used to work?"

"A little I guess. The factory was smaller though, and had less recreational space. There were also a lot less people, and no one close to my own age," Tieria says. "I never really had friends my own age before coming here." His cheeks flush slightly.

"Really? That must have been boring," I say stupidly. No wonder he has such trouble opening up to us. He's never been exposed to a normal social setting; he has no idea what to expect. Coming here must have been terrifying. "How long did you work there?"

"I had lived there since I was young," he replies with a detatched gloomy look on his face. I can tell there's something more.

"I see, with your parents or…?" I trail off, waiting for him to fill in the blanks.

"No, not with my parents," he says, still looking down, "You want to know the story?" he finally asks, looking up at me, as though he's examining me to see if I'm really interested.

"Only if you're up to sharing," I say in attempt to sound supportive. I remember now what Kira had said about him, '_He has traumatic experience written all over him.' _Could this be it?

"When I was younger, around three or four, there was a terrorist attack on the PLANT I lived on. Most of the citizens were brutally murdered or taken prisoner. I'm not exactly sure what happened upon my own parents, but I vaguely remember my mother trying to protect me till the last minute; then we she couldn't any longer she told me to run. That's all I remember. I did what I was told, but I was injured trying to escape. A man happened to find me lying on the ground and he took me to safety. His name was professor Nataki, and he was a mobile suit engineer. After the event, I was unable to locate any of my family, so the professor took me to live at the factory with him. As I got older, I helped him with his work and his research, and I continued to live as his adopted son." Tieria hangs his head, "He was killed in the Junius Seven attack. After he died I continued to work at the factory, but I quickly lost my passion for the job. Some of the other professors suggested coming to ZAFT to train as a soldier, and it took some time but I finally decided to take their advice. As far as I'm concerned, I made the right choice," he says, looking up at me with an optimistic expression displayed on his saddened face.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I'm not only shocked by his story, but the fact that he's telling me at all. I suppose you can only keep something like that at bay for so long. "Are you returning there over the weekend break?" I ask.

"No. There's nothing there for me anymore; my place is here now."

His tone of voice easily expresses that he feels alone. I can tell by looking at him because I've seen that emotion so many times upon looking in the mirror. I understand how he feels; I felt the same way when I lost my mother. "Tieria," I say looking up at him, "in the short time that Kira, Nicol and I have been here, we've become like a family. Like you, I don't have anyone outside of this academy, but the three of us take care of each other. If you allow yourself, you can be part of that family too. I can honestly say it's given me something to live for, and I have no doubt that it could potentially do the same for you." I wonder if that was out of line. If he's come this far, he obviously has something to live for, right? I allow my words to sink in for a minute before anticipating a response. It's easy to see that Tieria has never had much emotional contact.

"I think in a way I already have. After that second battle on the Vertier, I had no intention of fighting again. But then you unexpectedly walked through those doors, and I made the first real friend I've ever had. In that instant, I think I learned what friendship means, and since I've never really had a means of distinguishing between good friends and family, the meaning of family as well. In that next battle, I felt that if I didn't go back out there then you and the others might die. I guess you could say I had an overwhelming urge to protect."

Again, I can hardly believe what I'm hearing. The fact that he never had a real friend before coming here – that he considers me a good friend… I can't believe it. I glance over at the scabbed wound on Tieria's shoulder. I can't help but think that maybe if I had been more focused in the first battle, it might not have happened.

"It's ok," he says reassuringly, holding his hand to his shoulder, "it was a small price to pay for everyone to get out alive."

I can't help but feel sorry for him; he's never known any type of emotional contact before. I can't imagine how hard just having this talk with me must be. I wonder if he's ever told that story about his past before.

Just then a thought pops into my head. "Tieria," I say, averting his attention from the water, "come with me this weekend; come stay at my apartment."

"What? I was just going to stay here," he says hesitantly.

"I insist. If you want to be a part of this family, you can't stay here alone. Kira and Nicol will be around at some point too. Plus, you told Kira you were going to kick his ass at some video game, remember?"

Tieria smiles and agrees.

"Hey you two!" Kira says loudly, dumping a handful of cold water over my head as he jumps into the hot tub. I gasp and plunge my body into the warm water up to my chin.

"Shit it's hot!" Kira almost yells, jumping back out of the water just as I had done initially.

Tieria, Nicol and I laugh as Nicol slowly eases his way in and Kira sits on the stairs.

"Why don't we do this more often?" Kira asks. "The pool is so refreshing."

I frown to myself; unfortunately, I know the answer to that.

* * *

It's Friday afternoon, and this has probably been the most stressful week of training I've ever endured. That idea I had, about training being easier after I'd already completed a mission, yeah… not so much. All I can think about now is going home. The only obstacle left standing in my way now is martial arts. Mobile suit training has become increasingly more competitive now that Shinn is a red. As the two Reds in the group, Shinn and I have been paired as sparring partners, and it's becoming much like our martial arts class. This has me worried a bit, as the worst he could do in martial arts is injure me, but in a mobile suit he could potentially do a lot more damage. The competiveness between us is ridiculous, and we basically battle over who takes command. Since I've had more practice, I think I am the better leader, but Shinn insists on asserting his authority.

Shinn is his usual self in martial arts class. He's still in a crappy mood from mobile suit training; the officer had told him to lay off and let me take on the role of commander. We take turns beating the crap out of each other, which has also become a rather common occurrence. We've both gotten better at keeping our pride intact regardless of what the other throws – that or we're just good at hiding it.

I sit down on our mat as Shinn goes to get a drink. Kira has no problem taking Rey out, but being the courteous person he is, he gives him a chance. I glance over at Tieria and Yzak, which is a completely different story. It's only Tieria's third day back to class after being absent due to his injury, but he's still not having much trouble with Yzak. Yzak still makes fun of Tieria at every chance he gets outside of class, but even being smaller and not in perfect condition; Tieria still takes him down easily. I laugh a bit as I watch Tieria flatten him into an arm lock. During their next match however, Yzak, red with frustration, takes a cheap shot at Tieria's shoulder causing him to crumple to the ground in pain. Yzak proudly stands over Tieria as Mu approaches him to lead him out of the gymnasium. Even Shinn who is now returning from the water fountain has a disgusted look on his face.

"What a jerk," I mutter as I stand up. I watch as Officer Xiung escorts Tieria from the gym, obviously back to the infirmary. Poor guy, he just can't catch a break.

My anger towards Shinn has practically evaporated, and we actually have several almost civil sparring matches before the class is dismissed. Finishing class is a relief; I can't wait to get home and just relax. I wonder how Tieria is, he left class nearly forty five minutes ago and he still hasn't returned. I grow impatient and wander down to the infirmary where I ask the secretary.

"He's in exam room three, I don't know how much longer he'll be. You're welcome sit and wait," she says, gesturing to the waiting room chairs.

"Uh, that's ok. Thank you," I say politely, leaving the room. I lean against the wall outside the waiting room. I've always felt awkward going near the infirmary when I don't need to be there. I slide down the wall to sit on the floor, and fold my arms across my knees. Resting my forehead on my arms, I ponder the thought of leaving the academy. Now that I have experience, how long will it be till I'm plucked from the academy and sent into battle again? Being a temporary soldier was one thing, but having a permanent place on a team isn't something I feel I'm entirely ready for. I can feel myself slowly drifting off; I'm exhausted.

Finally I feel a light kick in my side, and I look up to see Tieria standing over me, his arm in a sling once again. He has a miserable expression on his face. He offers me his right hand, and I'm careful not to put too much weight into it as he pulls me to my feet.

"Are you ok?" I ask worriedly. I haven't seen him this miserable in a while.

"Yeah, back to square one though. Yzak set it out of alignment with that hit. I can't believe that guy sometimes."

"I know what you mean. He's been harassing me since day one too. Come on though, let's get out of here. We can try for the 15:00 shuttle."

"I dunno, maybe I should just –"

I cut him off, I know exactly what he's getting at in his dejected state. "You're coming with me. I'm not leaving you here. You need to be around people. Come on, let's go. And quit being so grumpy," I say lightly, putting a hand on Tieria's good shoulder and leading him in the direction of the dorm.

"Sorry, having your shoulder popped back into place doesn't put you in the greatest of moods," he says in an obvious attempt to sound less miserable.

On the ride into town, I sit quietly beside an apathetic, reluctant Tieria. He's staring out the window with his hood over his head, something I've never seen him do. As far as I know, he's usually too concerned about the condition of his hair to wear anything other than a helmet on his head.

Once in the city, we walk discretely to my apartment. I still don't really want people knowing where I live. I unlock the door and tell Tieria to make himself at home before going to my room to get changed. I don't like to associate myself at all with the academy when I'm not there. I pull on a pair of dark blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a black v-neck sweater. Once finished, I wander back into the living room to see no sign of Tieria, but the sliding glass door opened. I grab two bottles of water from the fridge before joining him on him balcony.

"It's so peaceful," Tieria says, leaning on the railing and staring out over the city. I'm surprised to see a cigarette clenched in his right hand. I place the water bottle down beside him, and he finally turns to face me.

"I didn't know you smoked," I comment as casually as I can. It isn't something people normally do now a days, especially not people training to be soldiers.

"Started about a year and a half ago. I've heard all the lectures, so don't bother," he snickers. "If something doesn't kill me before smoking does, then I'll admit it was a bad idea." His words are a little too casual. I can tell he's said them before though. But in all reality, with the life we've chosen for ourselves, he's right. It's still not healthy for coordinators, and it still can kill us, but not nearly as easily as for a natural.

"Don't worry about it. Just keep it outside," I laugh. "And yeah, the city is relaxing. It's actually a pretty cool place, not that I've explored it much myself. If you'd like to see it, I was thinking of going over to the grocery store; it's a nice drive, want to come?" I ask, taking the lid off the bottle and taking a large gulp.

"Sure, I guess," he says, his expression finally lighting up a bit. "I'm interested to see how that car of yours runs." I've never seen it first hand before, but apparently smoking is something people do to relieve stress. Perhaps it's a good thing after all for him.

We head down to the parking lot, and I unlock the car as we approach. The lights flick on and off. "Do you drive?" I ask.

"Well, not in my present state, but yes, I can," he says, opening the passenger side door.

I turn on the car and flick the switch to roll back the roof. I reach for my sunglasses as we pull out of the parking lot and I'm blinded by the sun. Tieria raises his right hand to block the rays from his eyes, and his hood is blown off his head. I laugh as he tries to hold his hair from being blown all over the place. Once out of the city, I speed down the main road towards the water. Tieria stares out at the ocean, looking very intrigued. Seeing this, I slow down and pull over to the side of the road. "You've never seen the ocean before, have you?" I ask, turning off the ignition.

"Huh?" he says, breaking his stare, "not up close, no."

"Let's go," I say, rolling the roof back over the car.

"We don't have to," Tieria says as I open my door.

"Come on, this is my favourite spot in the city."

Tieria follows me cautiously down to the water, walking through the sand like he's afraid he might sink. He climbs up onto a ledge just before the shore and sits staring out at the ocean. I pick up a rock and launch it as far out into the water as I can. I watch as it soars through the air, maintaining an almost weightless like state until finally falling to the water and creating a small splash. I pick up a second one, and feel the tension in my mind slowly fly out to sea with the rock. I throw a few more, and then turn to join Tieria on the ledge. He's massaging his shoulder with a pained look on his face.

"Are you ok?" I ask worriedly, "Is it… broken?" I mumble, sounding stupid.

"I'm ok. It was dislocated at first, and then it was healing alright until Yzak put it out of position again. The nurse had to pop it back into place – not a pleasant feeling," Tieria says, dropping his hand around his elbow and focusing once more on the scene in front of him.

"I can imagine. Yzak is way too proud; he doesn't like being showed up. He's just jealous that despite your size and your injury, you're still better than him."

"It isn't even that I'm better than him. He's powerful, but he's always too angry to really focus it into anything useful. If he concentrated rather than competing so much he would be good," Tieria says.

"He's just too aggressive. Shinn's like that too, but there's also the fact that he really doesn't like me. He almost broke my arm a while back in martial arts, which was when I found out that his parents were killed because of my father's… decision. He's really a talented kid as you can probably see; he just lacks the discipline."

"Just like Yzak," Tieria mumbles. "Athrun, what made you decide to join the military?"

I'm completely caught off guard by his question, although I suppose I shouldn't be. It seems like a subject that comes up every time you meet someone new; I guess it's only natural. "Um, well…" Despite the large number of times that I've been asked this question, I still don't really have a decent answer. "After my mother was killed, it was just kind of an impulsive move. I can't really explain it since I don't really understand what made me do it. I guess it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time." That's probably the most honest answer I've ever given. I really don't know.

"Would you say you felt powerless?" Tieria asks empathetically.

"Yeah, sort of. It seemed like the only thing I _could_ do at the time. I just felt like I couldn't sit around and watch it happen again. Although it wasn't really that I wanted to avenge my mother; it really opened my eyes to what was happening. Obviously it affected me before since it affected my father, but I never really saw the direct outcome of war very clearly until then. I just felt that if there was something I could do to prevent it from happening to someone else, then I should probably do whatever I can." I'm not sure I've ever discussed this subject in this kind of honest detail before. It feels kind of weird, but almost clarifying. "What about you?"

"Well like I told you before, after the professor died I lost the will to keep working there," Tieria says.

"Yeah, but you didn't have to join the military. Why did you choose ZAFT?" I say, feeling like I'm prying. Oh well, he asked me too.

He stares down into his lap for a few seconds, then up at the water. "I've lost everything and everyone that has ever been important to me to war. You'd think that would turn me off of fighting, but I decided that I wasn't going to let that happen again." He stares intently out at the ocean, his expression becoming a little more confident - almost like he's becoming more comfortable with talking to me. "As you have probably already figured out, I'm not a social person and I don't make friends easily. The few people I allowed myself to get close to were taken by war. I don't know what it was about you that day you visited to me, but I don't usually open up like that. I guess I just felt like you could relate. That was what compelled me to go back into battle after I was injured, I wasn't going to let it happen again."

I smile at Tieria, "Well thank you. And you're right, you can relate. I don't make friends easily either; I'm awkward like that." I stare back out at the water as well, but I can see him smiling out of the corner of my eye. It feels good to give him someone to lean on. Kira has always been that person for me, but I was never really able to be that person for him; he never really needed it I guess. Other than Kira, I've felt alone for so long, but now with Nicol, Tieria, and despite his absence, Hylas, I don't feel alone at all anymore. I think I'm ok.

"Do you wanna get going?" I ask Tieria, who is still staring attentively at the ocean.

"Uh, ok," Tieria replies reluctantly.

"Tieria, you know you're welcome to come stay at the apartment anytime. There's no such thing as overstaying your welcome there. Just ask Kira and Nicol, they pretty much come and go as they please."

"Thanks," Tieria says as we get up to leave the beach.

It becomes obvious to me that Tieria has never been exposed to a normal setting. He looks around the grocery store like it's a historical museum or something. We pick up enough food for the weekend, and the only thing he requests is coffee. I buy enough junk food to satisfy probably twenty people for a week, but hey, I don't get it much anymore.

Once back in the car, I make my plan known. "So I was thinking, the game console at my place is kind of out dated, and by kind of I mean it's like 12 years old. You up for video game console shopping?"

"Ok," Tieria says with a confused look on his face.

We drive to the electronics store, and decide on a PlayStation 3. We buy controllers and games and agree to split the cost. I had initially insisted on paying in full, but I figured maybe if I let Tieria pitch it, he might feel more welcome having possessions at my house. He seems to have the money for it. I guess he's never really had anything to put his money towards.

"Are you hungry? Cuz I'm starving," I say as we walk back into the apartment.

"Yeah a bit, are you up for pasta?" Tieria says, offering to cook.

"For sure," I say, I unloading the contents of the plastic bags into the fridge and cupboards.

"Do you like cooking?" I ask, watching him fill a large pot with water.

"Yeah, I could only eat cafeteria food for so long at the factory. I taught myself when I lived on my own. I think I was eleven when the professor insisted that I be given my own living space."

"Wow, I only ever helped my mom cook. I never really flew solo," I joke.

I sit on the counter and do whatever I can to help while Tieria cooks. It's a good thing I've only been here alone a few times as I'd probably starve to death. That or live on frozen pizza and macaroni and cheese.

Tieria makes a meal of pasta, some kind of tomato and meat sauce and garlic bread as well. I keep eating until I actually feel sick, then I collapse onto the couch.

"That was awesome, maybe even better than Nicol's cooking," I say from the couch. "Hey you don't have to clean up."

"I told you, I taught myself; trial and error. And I don't mind cleaning."

"Ugh," I grunt as I peel myself off the couch to help him. "How about I clean and you hook up the Play Station."

Within minutes, Tieria has the console running, full HD and everything. We play what seems like hours of various video games; everything from racing games to first person shooters. Tieria hadn't been bluffing to Kira, he's incredibly calculated and controlled when it comes to video games.

"I'm gonna have to quit, sorry," Tieria says, rubbing his wounded arm.

"Oh, sorry, I forgot," I confess. "You should go take a bath or something, have you seen the tub in my room?"

"No I haven't, but maybe I will. Thanks," he says, heading for the master bathroom.

The room becomes silent and only the sound of running water prevails. A thought crosses my mind. Lacus has been away from home for over six months now; I can't help but wonder how her replacement is doing. I pull my laptop out of the bag and type her name into a search engine. The first thing that pops up is a window with several images. I click on the first one. The page that comes up has a number of thumbnails, and I physically recoil from the computer at what I see. The image looks like Lacus, except she's far more 'curvy,' and what really throws me off is what she's wearing… and even her body language. Her dismal excuse for a shirt barely covers her outlandishly large bust, both on the top and the bottom, and looks more like a handkerchief than a shirt. Additionally, the straps on her extremely short pink skirt don't leave much to the imagination. Does Lacus realize what this girl is doing to her image. Lacus is a sweet, conservative, intelligent girl, not some provocative whore who looks like she came off a New York street corner. I close my computer in disgust and try to get my mind off the horrid images by playing another round of Halo.

I glance over to see Tieria return. He's wearing a pair of red and black plaid pajama pants and a black t-shirt. He pulls his hoodie around his shoulders and curls up on the couch opposite me. I turn my eyes back to the television just as my character is blown up at the game over sign flashes on the screen. "Feel better?" I ask.

"Not really, it's really sore still. I think I might have shifted it out of alignment again." Tieria says, his right hand wrapped around his left elbow.

"Are you on any pain killers or anything?" I ask, my eyes glued to the TV again as I do my best to avoid the numerous shots fired at me on the 'difficult' setting.

"No. I try to avoid them whenever I can," Tieria says.

I pause my game and toss the controller in his lap, "wanna play? Video games are good for getting your mind of things," I say, heading to the freezer for an ice pack for him. I still can't get the image of fake Lacus out of my mind. I hand him the ice pack and return back to the couch.

"Thanks," he says, throwing the controller back to me.

"I think I'm going to take a bath, make yourself at home. I'll back soon," I say, again passing the controller back to him.

"Ok. Thanks again," he says.

* * *

As I lay in the bath, my mind swims with a blur of mixed thoughts. Why is it that whenever I take a bath everything seems to come flooding back to me. I pull my hand out of the water to stare at my wrist, and I smile to myself. I'm actually proud of myself; despite all the scars, it feels good to see it clean. I can't help but wonder what provoked me to start doing it. Was I really that messed up two and a half years ago? What could I have been going through that was so difficult to deal with? All I want to do now is put it in the past.

I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I know that I need to find a better way to deal with things, and I know I have the strength to do it. But how? Talking? That's easier said than done. I've never been good at putting my feelings to words, and I've never been good at approaching people. It's one thing when someone asks me what's wrong, but I have a hard time going to people and asking for help.

I grow tired of thinking, and I climb out of the bath. I dry myself, get dressed and head back to the living room. The TV is on low, and Tieria is asleep on the couch. He's hugging his left arm and the ice pack is lying on the floor below him. I guess he just passed out. I flip off the TV and put the ice pack back in the freezer. I then take a blanket off one of the beds in the spare bedroom and gently put it over his body. I then lean over to take his glasses off his face, only to realize that he has tears in his eyes. There are wet spots on his pillow below his head where his tears had fallen. There's no mistake, he's been crying. I place his glasses on the table beside him, and walk back to my room for my sweater. It can't simply be from physical pain, I wonder what's bothering him. I guess I'm not the only one with problems.

The thought leaves my mind as I enter my room to find an unfamiliar envelope on my dresser. How did it get there? Without a second though, I tear open the letter to find familiar handwriting; I sit on my bed and begin to read the letter.

_Dear Athrun,_

_I realize I'm taking a great risk by writing this, but I can't leave you in the dark any longer. I didn't write a return address or anything so I think it should be fine. I'm sorry I can't tell you where I am or how to contact me, but as you know, it's too dangerous for both of us. I'm writing to tell you that I am now healthy and good as new. It took some time, but I'm fine now. I want to thank you for everything you did for me, and I'm sorry if you had to endure some kind of questioning as to my whereabouts. I hope all is going well at the academy, and I'm sure you're doing well. I know you will accomplish a lot, Athrun, you're just that kind of person. I can see you becoming some kind of renowned pilot or commander some day. Sorry, I know it's cheesy._

_I want to say thanks again Athrun, for everything you did for me while I was at the academy. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. I miss you and the others so much. Hopefully some day when this war is over, we'll see each other again. Until then…_

_PS. Say hi to Kira, Nicol and Monica for me._

_-Hylas_

I can feel my eyes flooding with tears. I'm relieved that he's alright, but I can't help missing him. I miss the days when we would go to the fitness center or the firing range. Part of me feels responsible for what happened to him. I can feel my heart racing; I wish I had some way to contact him. There are so many things I want to tell him; about Luna, about Tieria, about the mission, even about what happened with my father. I wonder what's going on down on earth now.

I lay back into my pillow; my head aches as thoughts fly through my mind. Thoughts of guilt, thoughts of anger, thoughts or remorse, but most of all, thoughts filled with sadness. I wish none of this had happened with Hylas. I think about what my father did to me after he left, and I would endure it a thousand more times if I could spend one more day talking with Hylas.

Before I know it, three fresh cuts on my wrist are staring me in the face, and tears continue to fall onto my bed below me. This time however, rather than soothe my anguish, it only increases my guilt. I'm angry with myself for doing it again, especially after telling myself I wouldn't just earlier today. Tears run down my cheeks and fall onto my arm, the saline burning the cuts as the tears and blood pool in the palm of my hand. I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my hand into a fist for a second before throwing it ruthlessly into the wall beside me. My body is shaking now and I'm breathing heavily.

It's all my fault. Hylas, my mother, my father, even my own anger. If I had paid more attention to my mom, maybe she wouldn't have gone to Junius Seven that week; maybe she would have stayed home with me. I would be with her right now. And Hylas, maybe if I would have taken better care of him, he wouldn't have gotten sick. He too would be here now. There are so many misfortunes that could have been prevented.

I wipe my eyes on my sleeve before climbing off my bed and heading for my bathroom. I reluctantly look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot, my cheeks glisten with tears and my hair hangs dismally over my face.

You're pathetic.

I lean forward with my hands on the counter and hang my head to let my tears drip into the sink. I brought this upon myself. I should have stayed away from the military all together. None of this would have happened, and I would still have at least one family member. As I close my eyes, I find myself staring down the barrel of my father's gun yet again. I shake my head violently, and I return to reality. I stare up into the mirror once more and I slam the palm of my hand fiercely into the image of my face. With my hand still pressed against the mirror, I hang my head again.

"Everything, everything is your fault." I say out loud to myself.

I collapse to my knees and then to the floor. My tears subside, but I remain on the floor curled against the cabinet. I stare at my bleeding wrist in shame. Why did I do it again? I wonder if Tieria heard me. I completely forgot that he had been crying. I remind myself that I'm not the only one in the world with problems. But why? There has to be something more than what he told me. He reminds me of myself.

I finally semi-regain my composure, and I pull myself off the floor. I splash water on my face, avoiding my own image in the mirror; I'm in no mood to see myself again. I rinse the blood from my arm and the cold water stings as it hits the wounds. I leave my wrist under the cold water for a while longer, as it is tremendously soothing. I wander back to my room and turn off the light behind me. I pull my blood stained t-shirt over my head and throw it to the back of my closet. I let out a deep sigh and put on a clean long sleeved shirt. My mind is slowly eased as the cuts continue to burn my forearm, the pain increasing with time. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how twisted my logic really is. I compete with my emotional pain by causing physical pain to myself.

I sicken myself.

Unable to handle my own thoughts any longer, I pull my sleeve down over my hand and leave the bedroom. I walk quietly past Tieria, who is still asleep, and slowly open the sliding glass door. Closing it behind me, I approach the railing, cross my arms and stare out at the lit up city. The cold air blows through my hair, lifting my bangs off my face. Strangely, I feel at peace here.

I'm startled as I hear the door open behind me, and I turn quickly to see Tieria standing there, barely awake. He holds an ice pack to his shoulder and his folded glasses in his left hand.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" I ask hesitantly. I hope to God that he didn't hear me. I instinctively pull my sleeve further over my hand, even though there's no way it was visible in the first place.

"What? No. Cat nap," Tieria says in a dazed tone as he balances the ice pack on his shoulder before rubbing his eyes with the back of his right hand.

"You feeling better?" I ask.

"That couch did nothing for my shoulder, but other than that, yeah I feel better. Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep," he says, slowly awakening from his drowsy state.

"It's fine," I say simply. I stare deeply into the dark sky. Tieria seems to be doing the same. I clench my fist tightly, feeling the pain from where I struck the wall. That's going to hurt tomorrow.

"It's so peaceful, it's hard to believe there's a battle going on somewhere out there," Tieria says.

I'm not sure what to say to this. I've been completely overcome by my feelings, which now seem insignificant in comparison to war. "Yeah," I reply.

"I don't think we're going to be at the academy much longer," Tieria says, not breaking his stare into the dark sky.

"What?" I ask, turning to him.

"I think we'll be called into battle again soon, but we probably won't be returning next time."

"You think?" I ask. It had crossed my mind, but I hadn't seriously given it much thought. After the last mission, I realized how real the war is, and in all honesty I don't think I'm ready for it. But then again, how can someone really be ready for that?

"Yeah. That's why were at the academy, isn't it?"

"I guess you're right. You don't seem all that into it," I say stupidly.

"Eh, I just do as I'm told. That's what being a soldier is, right?" He says. He seems as though he's completely resigned himself to life; like he's ready to go out there and die. He throws the ice pack down beside him and pushes a cigarette between his lips. The flame of his lighter glows brightly as he lights the end of it.

"I guess you're right," I say. Maybe I'm in the same boat as him. Have I given up hope?

"Athrun," Tieria says after a few moments of silence, "you have a gunshot wound on your shoulder, don't you?" He exhales a breath of smoke, then turns to me.

I quickly turn my head to cast him a questioning glance. Then I stare back out into the darkness. This time I don't even have to close my eyes; I see my father's horrible expression again. "Yeah, I do," I say quietly.

He is quiet for a second, then he continues. "That was your first mission, correct? How did it… happen then?" He asks.

I let out a deep sigh, "you really want to know?" I ask.

He gives me a confused look, and pushes his glasses onto his face.

"After Hylas fled, my father had me arrested to try to pry Hylas's location out of me. Except it wasn't a usual arrest, I woke up in the basement of the supreme council building, and my father stood in the shadows and watched while two men tried to beat Hylas's whereabouts out of me. Luckily I didn't know anything, but when I wouldn't give up any information, my father shot me."

Tieria takes a drag on his cigarette and holds it for a few seconds before blowing the smoke out into the air away from me. "I see, that's awful," he says quietly. He doesn't seem all that shocked. "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

"It's fine. It's not like it's something I can forget about anyway. But you're the only person I've told other than Kira and Monica."

"Well your secret is safe with me. It isn't like I have anyone else to tell. It must be a heavy burden to carry around. If you ever want to… you know… talk… feel free ok?" Tieria says awkwardly. I can see that he's shivering. Is he nervous? Or is he just cold?

"Thank you," I say, "same goes for you." I wonder if he'll share whatever's on his mind now that I've shared one of my darkest secrets. Honestly, I really don't have a problem talking to him; I trust him.

We talk for a while longer before going inside. Tieria goes to sleep in the spare bedroom, and I head for my own room. I climb into bed and roll up my sleeve to allow the cold air to sooth the cuts on my arm. My mind continues to swim, and every now and then I press my thumb into the cuts in attempt to block out my thoughts. Finally, after what seems like hours of recurring thoughts, I fall asleep.

The room is dark, just as it always is. But this time it's different; I can see the chair I'm supposed to be in, and the lights and all, but it's like I'm watching from a distance. I can see someone sitting in the chair, and my father is standing over him. I can hear him whimpering; almost like he's crying. As my vision clears a bit, I see that it isn't me. It's Hylas.

Father!! No!! What are you doing?!

I can hear myself yelling and my voice echoes through the room, but neither of them seem to hear it. I can tell that my father is yelling at him, but I can't understand what he's saying. I can tell by his expression that he's becoming increasingly angry, but I can't make out Hylas's face. His shoulders are trembling. I watch in horror as my father raises his gun to Hylas's head and I cry out.

FATHER!! STOP IT!! DON'T!!

Athrun

I can hear my name being called, but I continue to scream at my father in terror.

PLEASE FATHER!!

Athrun

STOP!!

I hear the gun shot and I sit bolt upright in bed, my eyes wide open.

"Athrun?"

Kira sits on the side of my bed, a concerned expression displayed on his face. "Are you ok?"

I let out a deep sigh and wipe the sweat from my forehead with my sleeve. "Yeah."

"Same dream?" he asks.

"Almost," I say, my breaths finally shortening.

"Was something different?"

"Hylas was there," I say, taking a deep breath. I attempt to slow my breathing. "I actually got a letter from him yesterday," I say, passing him the envelope from my night table. I pull my sleeve down over my hand, hoping Kira didn't see anything. My right hand is throbbing from hitting the wall last night.

"He's ok then?" Kira asks calmly.

"Yeah. I don't know where he is, but he's alright." I lean back against the wall.

"Are you ok?" Kira asks, looking me in the eye.

I stare down into my lap, "yeah." My dream has never been like that before; it's only ever involved me and my father. Could this be a sign that something is going on with Hylas back on earth? At least that's where I assume he is.

"Athrun?" Kira asks, breaking me out of my entranced stated.

"Huh, sorry. When did you get here?" I ask in attempt to change the subject.

"Not too long ago. Tieria and I were cooking when I heard you… screaming," Kira says hesitantly.

"Great, so he heard it too?"

"Yeah. You told him though right, about what happened?"

"Yeah, last night."

"You don't usually scream out loud. Do you think it's because you told the story out loud? Or maybe because you heard from Hylas."

"Probably both, I don't try to understand how my brain works. Wait, Kira, why are you here so early? We haven't been home in a while; shouldn't you be spending time with your family?" I ask curiously.

Kira drops his glance to the floor, "there's some stuff going on at home. I didn't really want to be there during my only time to relax. You don't mind that I'm here, right?"

"Of course not, but what's going on? Usually you're ecstatic about going home." It's true; Kira usually loves spending time with his sister and his parents. I've never seen him get touchy like this about the subject. It almost reminds of… me.

"Mind if I tell you later? It's not that I don't trust Tieria in the kitchen, but with only one arm, there's a good chance that he's going to burn breakfast." Kira says.

"Sure. I'll be right out," I say as Kira leaves the room.

Did he just try to get out of that? What could be going on that he doesn't want to share? It worries me; usually he isn't that nervous about things like this. I climb out of bed and stumble into the bathroom. I can't believe I was actually screaming, and worse, I can't believe I let Tieria and Kira hear me. Kira is one thing, but Tieria is going to think I'm crazy.

I walk back through my bedroom and out into the living room. The smell of the food immediately brings a smile to my face. "Wow, it smells great out here," I say.

"Yeah, no thanks to Kira here. He's less helpful than you," Tieria says in a jokingly irritated tone. I can't believe how far he's come socially since the day I first met him; he wouldn't even speak to us.

"You ate half the pancake mix before I could even finish making it," Tieria says to Kira.

"Hey, it was good!" Kira exclaims

"It's flour, water and eggs…" Tieria says to him, shooting him a sarcastic glance, "and you would have known that if you would have helped me make it!"

Kira laughs sheepishly, "Athrun, I'm going to let you take over from here," he says. I laugh and head into the kitchen to help Tieria who seems to be more annoyed now than amused.

"Did you see the new PlayStation? You should give it a try, you're going to need some practice if you plan on beating Tieria; he destroyed me last night." I laugh as I being to wash out some of the used dishes.

"Psh, practice. Ugh, my stomach hurts," Kira complains.

"That's what you get for eating raw eggs," Tieria laughs.

Tieria and I finish cooking breakfast, and the three of us sit down at the table to eat. Tieria and I watch, almost disgusted as Kira shovels his food into his mouth at an overwhelming speed. "It's good ok," Kira says with his mouth full of hash browns.

"Did you forget to eat at home or something?" I ask, stabbing a piece of my pancake and raising it to my mouth.

"Actually, as a matter of fact I did, now may I eat my breakfast without being constantly criticized or observed like I'm an animal?" Kira asks as he shoves a massive forkful of pancakes into his mouth.

Tieria laughs as I try not to spit out my food in laughter.

* * *

"So where's Nicol?" Kira asks as he and I clean up the kitchen.

"I dunno, I haven't heard from him," I say as I block him from sneaking out of the kitchen and leaving me to clean by myself.

"You should call him, we can have a family day," Kira laughs as he dries the last plate and places it in the cupboard. "Mind if I take a shower?"

"Uh, yeah sure," I say as he heads for the bathroom.

"Does something seem a little off to you with him today?" I ask Tieria as I sit down on the couch across from him.

"You know him better than I do. But when I woke up he was asleep on the couch."

"Really, did he say anything to you?" I ask, wondering if Kira had mentioned anything to Tieria about his apparent family issues.

"He just said that he needed to get out of his house," Tieria says, focused on his computer.

"Hmm, I wonder what's going on. Sorry, are you working?" I ask, realizing that he looks rather busy.

"What? No. I'm not working with the factory anymore," Tieria says.

"Oh, since when?" I ask. I knew that he had been continuing his research or something since he arrived at the academy, but I wasn't aware that he had quit.

"Since we set out on that last mission. I told them I had too much else to focus on."

"I see," I say quietly.

"Are you worried about him? Kira I mean." Tieria asks, finally looking up from his computer.

"Huh? Yeah. He's generally a happy person, and not many things get to him so it's kind of weird that something bothered him enough to come here," I say.

"I admire the friendship you guys have," Tieria say almost enviously as he stares out the window.

"It's more of a brotherhood than a friendship I think. He's the closest thing I have to family now," I say sadly.

"I see. While I'm sure he'll talk to you later," Tieria says awkwardly. It doesn't have to be said that he doesn't have anyone even close to family. I feel sorry for him. I don't know what I'd do without Kira.

"Have you spoken to you father since… you know, his interrogation?" Tieria asks cautiously

"I wouldn't exactly call it an interrogation, but no. Even before that, I hadn't spoken to him since he last came to the academy to meet me. That was when he had informed me he was selling our house."

"So when you said he wasn't much of a father figure, you meant it," Tieria comments.

"As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a father."

"Hey Tieria, ready to get your ass kicked?" Kira asks as he exits the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his head like a woman.

"Yeah yeah, come on. I don't know how long I'll be able to play, my shoulder is still pretty bad," Tieria says, putting his hand on his bad shoulder.

"Excuses excuses. You know, you can just forfeit now if you're too scared," Kira teases.

"Nope. I don't need much time to beat you anyway," Tieria says, pulling his arm out of his sling. "What are we playing?"

"You're all talk," Kira laughs as he digs through the pile of games. I snicker to myself; I already know what the outcome is going to be.

After about half an hour, Kira's jaw drops to the floor as Tieria beats him for the fourth time at the same game. "What!? You're cheating!"

"How can you cheat with video games?" Tieria laughs.

"You probably stayed up all night practicing! New game!" Kira says, diving into the pile again.

I pick up my cell phone from the kitchen counter and dial Nicol's number

"Hey Athrun, how's it going?" Nicol asks as he answers his phone.

"Not bad, how are you?"

"Good. Just finished lunch. What's up?"

"Oh, just watching Tieria destroy Kira at every game he picks up"

Nicol laughs on the other end

"Are you going to come by at some point?" I ask.

"I'd love to, but my dad took the whole weekend off and we're going to December city. Sorry."

"No problem man, have a good time ok?"

"Thanks, I'll see you guys on Monday; say hi to everyone for me!"

"Bye."

I hang up on the phone and inform Kira and Tieria of his answer.

"That's fine, I'm sure Kira doesn't want anyone else to see this anyway," Tieria laughs.

"Shuddup! Next game!" Kira shouts.

Tieria manages to beat him at four more games before he insists that Kira has suffered enough humiliation for one day.

"Whatever, I didn't get much sleep last night," Kira whines.

"Now who's making excuses?" Tieria asks, sliding his arm back into his sling and massaging his shoulder.

I take the opportunity to question him, "Why didn't you get much sleep?" I ask.

Kira looks me in the eye; he knows exactly what I'm doing. I feel slightly guilty, what if he doesn't want to say it in front of Tieria?

"I slept in – or at least tried to sleep in an airport last night. I tried to get a shuttle to earth, but since I belong to the military, they wouldn't allow it. I stayed there all night trying to get through customs, but they seemed to think that I was trying to infiltrate their nation or something. They're not allowing any coordinators on earth now. I guess it shows how the battle has escalated."

"What? Are you serious?" Tieria asks.

"Yeah. I'm not sure if it's all coordinators, or if it was just me because I'm a 'soldier', but security was pretty tight," Kira says.

"What about your sister?" Tieria asks, "isn't she a coordinator?"

"No," Kira confesses, "she's a natural. I don't ask my parents questions. It's something I've always wondered myself, but I'm sure they have their reasons."

"I know it sounds bad, but they'll – your family will be safer that way, if they keep coordinators out. Until then Kira, you're welcome here," I say supportively.

Kira looks in my direction and smiles, "thanks."

* * *

**So, what did you think? If you are the type of person that enjoys the action, then theres a bit coming up in the next few chapters that you'll probably enjoy. The main "climax??" is about to hit pretty soon, and I've definitely put a lot of thought and planning into the sequel. This will probably have at least another 6-8 chapters though.**

**I realize that this chapter is super "cheesy" (for lack of a better term), and the majority of guys don't actually communicate with one another like this lol. These boys are very emotional to been teenage guys... But this is a fanfic, use your imagination haha. **

**Also if you're bored and sick of waiting for the next chapter, I just posted another Gundam Seed fic; another super angsty Athrun story that you will likely enjoy if you enjoy this. It's just a oneshot, but I might write more for it. It's called "Burden"**

**As for reviews, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I make a point to respond to every review I get, even if it's just simply a "nice". So if you have any questions or comments, please drop a review. Reviews motivated me to write faster, and they make me happy :)**

**Thanks for breaing through this looooong chapter and author's notes! **

**Oh and PS... I lost my editor, so bear with me if theres typos. If you see any tragic mistakes, let me know lol. Thanks!**

**Until next chapter...**


	20. Chapter 20: More Questions than Answers

**So I would just like to point out now that this chapter is rated M for a reason. This chapter is another prime example of why. Happy Reading :)**

**

* * *

  
**

It's about a week and a half later before Tieria and I finally get around to visiting the shooting range. He's been bugging me since his shoulder healed to help him practice his shooting. I don't think I've ever seen someone quite so shaky with a gun before, and I struggle to keep myself from laughing as I watch him miss the target entirely three out of five times. He hangs his head and pulls off his earmuffs.

He looks up at me; apparently it's fairly obvious that I'm trying to contain my laughter. "That bad, hey?" he asks. "Can you help? It's kind of humiliating in class since everyone else has had so much practice. Luckily I have all my other classes to redeem myself, but still..."

"You're just way too shaky. You're probably just nervous; you haven't handled guns much have you?"

"No."

"The other thing you do is something a lot of beginners do; you twist your wrist just before you shoot, and since you're already so shaky it completely throws off your aim. Watch and learn," I say, picking up the gun. I aim at the target, "Extend your arm completely and straighten your thumb over the side of the gun to create a three hundred and sixty degree wrap grip. The other thing you have to be careful of, which is always hard at first, is not to tense your entire hand when you pull the trigger. Only tense your index finger since squeezing with your whole hand causes the gun to move slightly to the left or right. Give it a shot, but watch the recoil when your arm is straight," I say, handing the gun and earmuffs back to him.

He places the earmuffs on the table in front of him and aims the gun at the target.

"Thumb straight," I say as he adjusts his left thumb on the side of the gun. "Look through the sight on top, and hold it there until you stop shaking," I say casually. I move behind him so I can see where else the problem lies. "K, go ahead."

Tieria fires the gun and manages to hit the outskirt of the target.

"Good, see you hit the target that time. You can also try using your left hand – or I guess right in your case – to steady it. Yeah, try that," I say as he lifts his right hand to balance his left. Again he fires the gun and hits the target, closer to the center this time. "There you go. You just need practice. Once you get more comfortable around guns it will be easier to relax."

"Alright, thanks. It's easier than I had expected I guess," he says. He pulls his earmuffs back over his ears and takes a few more shots.

I walk to the booth beside him and fire off a few rounds myself. I set the target to moving and shoot about ten targets in a row, narrowly missing the center of the target only once. I catch Tieria watching me out of the corner of my eye and grin to myself. It reminds me of the first time I saw him type with only one hand.

"I think I'm going to go back to the dorm. I'll see you up there," I say, growing bored with shooting.

"Ok, thanks again," Tieria says.

I turn on my heel, exit through the automatic door and proceed past the main gymnasium. I'm startled as a hand reaches out from one of the change rooms, grabs my collar and pulls me inside.

I nervously open my eyes; the room is dark, but I can vaguely make out a woman's figure. She's about three inches shorter than me with glistening red hair. Luna.

"Luna? What's going on?" I ask nervously.

"Shhh, she whispers, squaring her body to mine. I feel my shoulders tense further as she stands on the tips of her toes and whispers in my ear, "shhh."

"Luna, I –"

Before I can speak, I feel her lips close lightly around my right ear lobe, sending a warm tingling sensation through my entire body. My neck twitches as a shiver flies down my spine. I feel myself becoming aroused. Part of my brain tells me this is wrong, but the force from the rest of my body keeps me from stopping her. She releases her hold on my ear, and kisses my neck and then my lips. She warps her arms around my shoulders, and I passionately return the kiss, allowing my tongue to slip between her lips to gently brush hers. The voice in my head continues to ring, telling me to stop.

"Luna," I begin, reluctantly pulling away, "I can't do this. We have to stop." I firmly place my hands on her shoulders, keeping her at a distance.

She relaxes her body, almost as if allowing herself to melt between my arms. She presses her body against mine and raises her hand to stroke my cheek. "How am I to believe your words," she says seductively, "when your lips so greatly disagree, Athrun? This is meant to happen, and I know you want it as much as I do."

She stares deeply into my eyes in the dimmed light as a thousand thoughts race through my head. What do I do? It's true, I do want this, but I know it isn't right. She brushes her hand along my inner thigh, and the voices in my head grow quiet as my mind continues to fight a losing battle. It's like the hormones in my body race up to my head and drowns the remainder of my sanity. She slowly drags her hand up along my torso and places it softy on the back of my neck. I can feel myself giving in as I put my hands on her waist. She almost hesitantly moves in and places her lips on mine, waiting to see if I'll decline. I allow my lips to meet hers, and she runs her fingers through my hair, sending another shiver down my spine.

I move my hands under her t-shirt and onto her lower back. I'm reminded of the soft and warm feeling of her skin. I allow my tongue to interlace with hers, gracefully following her every move.

It's too perfect.

I can feel my pulse throbbing through my body. This time however, I feel calm and relaxed. I bring myself to release my last ounce of tension and constraint. I make no further effort to stop her.

She consensually lifts her arms above her head, and I pull her t-shirt off of her alluring body. She pushes me toward the pile of martial arts mats, and I manage to unclip her bra strap, all the while still attached with her by the lips. I sit up on the mats and she stands in front of me as our tongues continue to dance with one another for what seems like an eternity.

Finally, she breaks free of our hold, and breathing heavily, she pulls my shirt quickly over my head. I can feel my own breath quicken, and I try to lean forward, only to feel her force my shoulders backward into the mat and she climbs on top of me, kneeling over my body with a leg on either side of my waist. I reach for her again, but she takes hold of my wrists and forces them against the mat, holding them firmly above my head. She leans over me, pressing her weight harder into holding me down, and her breasts fall gently over my face causing me to let out a deep sigh. I've never felt so turned on in my entire life. She releases my hands and sleeks her body backward so that her breasts press against my stomach. She moves her body lower and begins kissing my stomach softly. I feel the form of her breasts surround me and I let out a deep moan as she continues to kiss my stomach, her face moving dangerously close…

Her body closes in on mine, and her temperate skin makes my entire body shiver. Where did this come from? Why is this happening? Although I know that this is wrong, it feels so right and I can't bring myself to stop it. She presses her body against mine with an overwhelming intensity, and her lips once again lock themselves onto mine, as if they were a key perfectly cut to fit my own. My senses surge as I feel her hands move to undo my belt. I wonder: can she feel the blood pulsing through my body? As she successfully removes what is left of my clothing, I pull her closer and continue to kiss her.

Every fiber of my being screams for more, and I quickly sit up to roll on top of her. I hold her right hand above her head and place a knee on either side of her torso, allowing myself to slip between her legs. As her lips break free of mine, she breathes deeply with a slight moan under her breath, and what happens next is once again a complete blur. Everything I have experienced until now is nothing compared to this – not even last time. I feel her entire body tense as she cries out and I release a subsequence sigh accompanied by the greatest pleasure I've ever known.

Gasping for air, I allow my body to collapse beside hers on the mat. My thoughts begin to make sense again, and I realize what I've just done… again.

I turn to her questioningly as her breathing pauses.

A part of me is not surprised when she doesn't respond verbally, but stands up, dresses herself and heads for the door. Unsure of how else to react, I sit up and begin to speak, "Luna, I –" but before I can continue, she throws my clothes into my lap and leaves the room. The door closes and returns to its darkened state. Somehow it seems darker than before.

I replace my clothing, and then force myself into a sitting position on the bench across from the pile of mats. I let my head fall between my knees, and my mind is once again consumed by a wave of emotions.

"Damn it," I mutter. How could I let myself fall into this again? Why am I so unable to control myself? Why am I so weak? So Pathetic. Maybe my father's right...

I curl my fingers into a fist and I feel my shoulders tense as I throw my fist forcefully into the adjacent brick wall. I feel the skin on my knuckles tear as my hand makes contact, but it doesn't hurt. A part of me wishes it did. I continue to swear under my breath.

I realize how tense my shoulders are as I stand up to exit the sinful place that was once only a locker room to me. I stumble as I'm blinded by the unexpected brightness of the empty hallway. My body collapses into the wall, and I allow my back to press against the cold surface as I slide down to the ground. I can feel my entire body shaking, and although I can feel the sweat on my forehead, I'm cold. I finally begin to catch my breath, but my brain still refuses to comprehend simple thoughts. What have I just done? I stare down at the torn knuckles on my right hand, and I clench my hand into a fist again to feel the burn of the cuts. "Damnit," I mutter incoherently as I slam my fist to the ground.

"Athrun?" I look up to find Tieria pacing toward me. "Are you ok?" Seeing my dismal state, his pace quickens. "What happened to – is that lip gloss on your neck?"

Great, how's he ever going t look at me the same again? First he hears my screaming in my sleep, now he finds me like this? God he must think I'm a complete basket case. Well I guess it's kind of true. I don't want to tell him what happened, but I know he'll figure it out anyway. He kneels beside me, my body still shaking.

"Athrun, you didn't; not again…" I look up at him, my expression giving him the only answer he needs. He stands up and outstretches his hand to me.

"I didn't mean for it to happen." He pulls me to my feet, but I fall back against the wall, barely managing to steady myself through the dizziness.

"Are you ok? Come on, let's go sit somewhere." He leads me to the snack bar and I sit at a table, head in hands while he goes to the counter.

"So, what exactly happened?" He asks me, sitting down and handing me a water bottle. I twist the cap off the bottle and take a slow drink to buy myself some time to think. I still come up with no sufficient answer. "I honestly don't know," I pause to think, "I was walking back to the dorm and out of nowhere she grabs me and pulls me into the change room."

"Yeah, I saw her run by the firing range just before I found you. She looked as frantic as you did,"

Tieria hands me a napkin from the dispenser as I try to rub the lip gloss off my neck. I take another sip from the water bottle and my mind finally starts to relax. I still can't believe what I've done. Will I ever be able to look at Shinn or Luna the same again? I throw the napkin in the garbage beside me, then lean forward and rest my chin in the palm of my right hand.

"So it was Luna who started it then?" Tieria asks.

"Yeah, same as last time…" I trail off. My mind drifts as I remember the last time. Shinn had been standing outside the door when I left the room. I don't think I've ever been so close to having heart failure.

I still can't believe this is the girl I lost my virginity too. I'm a disgrace; it wasn't even to someone who loved me. Tieria interrupts my thoughts.

"Did Shinn find out last time?" It's as if he's reading my mind.

"Yeah. He was waiting for me when I came out of her room." I leave out the part where he collapsed to the ground after being unable to bring himself to hit me. The part I really don't want to tell him is the part where I left him there and ran away. I shake my head and try to clear my thoughts. It's not something I feel like reliving right now; but the night isn't over, and I have no way of knowing what will happen if Shinn finds out.

"Do you think she'll tell him this time?" Tieria asks.

How the hell am I supposed to know?

"I'm not sure" I respond. Part of me knows that he'll find out sooner or later. It's not something I'll be able to cover up forever. Besides, that's only me; is there even the slightest chance Luna will be able to keep it from him?

My question is answered far sooner than I expect.

"There you are!" an angry and yet unfortunately familiar voice booms from across the hall. I turn instinctively to see Shinn standing there looking far more angry than I've ever seen him. Last time, he was more shocked than anything, but I can tell that this time he's had time to think it through and plan out his next move.

I feel myself cower as he walks toward me confidently. "How dare you?!" He yells, his pace quickening, "I got over it last time, I forgave you! I even saved your life! And this is what I get in return?"

The words hit me like bullets. I can barely comprehend the first thing he said before he moves closer to me. Before I know it, I'm on my feet defensively.

"Shinn, listen. She-"

Before I can finish my sentence he draws his clenched fist backward and projects his entire body forcefully into a punch that lands almost directly over my right eye. The blow causes me to fall backward, and I hit the ground.

I clutch my hand to my eye and Shinn starts yelling again. "Shut up! I can't believe you! I didn't think even _you_ could sink this low." He approaches me again as if to attack me; I lower my head and wait for whatever he has to throw at me. I don't care anymore; if it will leave me less indebted to him, then I really don't care what he does to me. When nothing comes, I open my eyes to find Tieria standing defensively in front of me. "Shinn," he says calmly, "Maybe you should be having this conversation with Lunamaria; find the root of the problem before you blame Athrun." With that, Tieria backs off.

The words catch Shinn off guard, and his face turns a bright red. He says nothing. Finally, he looks at me and the colour drains from his face. "You're a spitting image of your father," he says. Satisfied with his counter attack, he turns and leaves.

I remain sprawled on the floor, absolutely stunned. It's like his words zapped the life right out of me. Finally I shake my head, trying to regain my composure. My head burns from the motion, and I clench my teeth tightly as Tieria drops down beside me. I rub my forehead and consciously try to untwist my face.

"You ok?" Tieria asks. I'm not sure if he means physically or mentally; regardless, the answer is the same for both.

"Yeah," I lie. I pull my hand away from my eye to ensure nothing is bleeding. Unlike last time, Shinn had held nothing back in his counter attack. I can feel my head spinning, except I'm not sure if it's because I was hit or if it's simply due to the hurricane of thoughts flying through my head.

"Come on, let's get back to the dorm," Tieria says, offering me his hand. I let him pull me to my feet and steady myself against the wall.

"I deserved that," I comment quietly, immediately regretting my statement and hoping Tieria didn't hear me.

"Athrun, his fight is with Luna. You weren't the one who started it."

"Yeah, well I could have stopped her. I should have said no."

"You aren't his friend, Athrun, you don't owe him anything," Tieria puts his hand on my shoulder.

"I owe to him to be a decent human being," I add, pulling away from him and putting my hand back to my eye.

"The only reason he's coming to you like this is because he can't admit to himself that the fault might be hers. He wants to put the blame on someone else, and you're the perfect target."

"Right," I say. I know what he's saying is right, but even so I can't rid myself of the guilt. Even if I could, it just wouldn't seem right. I follow Tieria silently back to the C wing. As we walk by the common room, I notice that our entire group is assembled in front of Commander La Flaga; Shinn and Lunamaria included.

"Nice of you two to join us," Mu says as he notices us. "Unfortunately we're just finishing up here, so you'll have to have someone else fill you in. Please try to avoid missing meetings in the future."

As the group rises from the couches and chairs, I glance at Tieria to see his face glowing red. He's obviously horrified that he missed the meeting. If not for my current state, I'm sure my face would bear the same fuchsia shade.

"When were we informed of this meeting?" Tieria asks Kira as he walks by us.

"We weren't, he wandered around the dorms asking everyone to assemble in the common room, kind of like he always does," Kira replies, making it obvious that Tieria should have realized that. We follow Kira and Nicol back to the dorm. I honestly couldn't care less about missing the meeting.

"We were told that the pilot licensing will be happening next Friday. There's a theory component and a physical test. If you want to apply you have to get an application from the main office," Kira says in a monotone voice, apparently not amused. "I'm going to the fitness center, anyone wanna come?" He asks in a slightly more enthusiastic tone.

"Sure," Nicol says, turning to his locker.

"No thanks, I have some work to catch up on," Tieria says, his eye on me.

I don't reply, I simply climb to the top of my bunk and plant my face in my pillow. I wish Tieria had gone. I'm not in the mood to be harassed. I hear Kira and Nicol leave and I let out a deep sigh.

"You should ice your head, Athrun. You could have a concussion," he says, walking beside my bed.

"I'm fine," I reply coldly. I'm in no mood for one of Tieria's parent-like talks.

"It will swell if you don't. Then you'll have to explain it to everyone tomorrow," Tieria urges. I hear the fridge close and I jump as he tosses the ice pack up to my bed and it comes in contact with my neck. Enraged, I sit up, "I said I'm fine, Tieria!" I throw the ice pack down and Tieria recoils as he dodges the flying object.

"I'm going for a run," I say, climbing off my bed and opening my locker for a jacket.

"Bu –" Tieria begins. I stare at him for a second and he shuts up, obviously thinking I might strike him if he doesn't. Without another word I leave the room and slam the door behind me.

I walk quickly through the building and out through the front doors. I drop my sweater outside the front door and break into a run down the all too familiar gravel trail. I'm past upset now; I'm angry. Why does Luna keep doing this to me? Why does she continue to taunt me? Why is it than when I'm with her it feels so right, but then as soon as she's gone I come to my senses? Are those my true feelings or just my hormones? As for Luna, one minute she acts like she's head over heels in love with me, and then the next… well she doesn't. She must know that I can't control myself around her, but why does she take advantage of me like that? Is it only when she's upset with Shinn? Is it about me or him?

"Ugh!" I shake my head and run a little faster. The rain pours down, drenching my hair and causing goose bumps to appear on my arms. Everything Shinn said was true. It's true, he saved my life, and this is how I repay him. What hit me the hardest however, was the last thing he said. I continue to do whatever I can to block it out

I burst into a full sprint and squeeze my eyes tightly as I feel a tear burn down my cheek. Why did Luna do it? How did Shinn find out so quickly? Did she run to tell him as soon as she was done with me? Why do I keep allowing this to happen? She always seemed like a nice girl, especially when were…

I order my brain to turn off and I continue to run as fast as I can. Finally I can't physically keep going and I collapse to my knees.

'_You're a spitting image of your father!'_ The words ring through my head as I find myself incapable of blocking them out any longer. Is he right? Is it true? What really separates me from him? I seem to have no problem hurting others. Even after Shinn saved my life, I still betray him. Even Tieria; all he did was try to help, yet I managed to hurt him as well. I took my anger out on him for no reason. Would it have been any different if it had been Kira? Probably not. Why am I like this? Why am I so incapable of controlling my emotions? I feel my chest wrench with guilt as I replay the scene with Tieria. He stood up for me, and yet I still managed to take my anger out on him. How many times have I done that to my friends? It's been too many times to count. Maybe it would have been best if Shinn had let me die that day; at least then Shinn, Luna and Tieria wouldn't have to feel the pain they're in now.

My head throbs as my mind overflows with a wave thoughts. I wish they would all just stop. Why won't they just go away? My mother's face enters my mind. What would she say if she knew what I did? I can see tears in her eyes; the last thing I ever wanted to do was disappoint her.

I can't take this anymore.

I stand up from the ground; I can feel my knees bleeding. The cuts distract me from my thoughts, and a new idea enters my mind. I stare down at the gravel at my feet.

No! I'm not doing this again. I pull my wrist band off my arm and stare at the cuts and scars from my previous break downs. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't; I won't! This ends now. If there's one thing I can do to make my mother smile again it will be to stop this. I choke back one last tear and break into a fresh jog. A new sense of determination overwhelms me as I run quickly back to the building. Once at the front door, I lean forward to catch my breath and wipe the mixture of rain, sweat and tears from my face before reentering the building.

I discretely hurry back to the dorm. I don't want to accidently run into Shinn or Luna or anyone for that matter. Thankfully, I find the dorm empty. I close the door behind me and sit down at my desk. I can't bring myself to climb up onto my bed and look my mother's photo in the eye. Although I'm determined not to hurt myself, there's no guarantee that I can fully control myself. I don't want to put myself in a situation when the opportunity might arrive.

I look up as a misplaced white piece of paper catches my eye on my desk. I stare at it for a moment before picking it up and opening it.

_Athrun,_

_Meet me in the pool at 9:30. –Monica_

I stare at the letter for a few seconds and then look up at the clock displayed on the ceiling. It's 9:25. I have five minutes to decide what to do.

Does Monica already know? I wouldn't put it past her. Did Luna tell her? Will she be angry with me? Why couldn't she just come knock on the door like a normal person rather than requesting that I go to the pool? It just seems a bit random.

I decide not to wrack my exhausted brain for an answer, and instead, I submit and put swim shorts on before hurrying down to the pool. I creep around the corner of the change room into the pool area, and find the black haired girl in the hot tub alone. The pool is otherwise deserted. I let out a sigh and slowly walk towards the hot tub.

Upon seeing me, she glances up and smiles at me.

"Athrun! So you got my note. I'm glad!"

"A little random. How did you know I would come?" I ask, slowly easing my way into the hot water. I learned last time not to jump into the hot tub.

"Because I know you needed someone to talk to. I knew you would forfeit to your thoughts and come out of desperation."

"So you've heard then? Geez word travels fast around this place," I mumble. I pull my arm close to my body. I only realize now that my wrist is fully exposed, but then I also recognize that if I make it too obvious, Monica will discover that I'm trying to hide it. I do my best to relax.

"Are you ok?"

"You should know the answer to that," I say coldly. She looks at me with a concerned expression. I quickly realize what I'm doing; exactly what I didn't want to do. Putting other's down because I'm upset.

"I'm sorry, Monica. I'm alright," I say, staring into her saddened blue eyes.

"What happened, Athrun? I didn't really get the full story."

"It was the same as last time. She grabbed me out of now where and just started… Yeah." I don't think I need to reiterate the rest. She knows what happened last time.

"Athrun, you know she's not in her right mind. She never has been. Like I told you before, she does all she can to mask the pain she's in."

"I don't get it though; does that give her an excuse to do this to me? Time after time! Why is she so messed up anyway?" I ask, not stopping to think about what could be so wrong.

"Like I told you before, Shinn doesn't treat her very well," Monica says, not making eye contact. There's a hint of deceit in her downward left stare.

"What else? There's more to it, isn't there?" I plead.

"Athrun, it's her business. Just trust me ok? Try not to get involved with her ok? That's the only advice I can give you," she says seriously. I decide not to pry.

"Fine. I just don't understand. If sex is the ultimate form of love, how can she throw it around so casually?" I ask, sinking my chin into the water. The warm water feels good after jogging in the rain.

"I don't really understand it either. You need to block it out, Athrun. You can't live your life properly if you're constantly thinking or worrying about what she might do next," she looks from me down to the water in an uncomfortable way, "I don't understand how Shinn does it. I don't get how he can live a normal life dealing with her. I mean, the pressure on all of us is already so extreme. How does anyone manage to think about anything else?"

"I don't think he's quite in his right mind either. If they both have massive voids in their lives; maybe that's why they can be together. Maybe that's why Luna targets me. I have no doubt that she knows my background, maybe she's looking for someone else to fill in the holes in her life."

"I have no idea. Athrun, I honestly think your best bet is to stay away from her. I know it's your life, but I would seriously advise you to remain as uninvolved as possible." She has a strange sense of resolve in her eyes. It's like she knows something that she can't tell me.

"I understand." If there's anyone in the world I trust, it's her. Her and Kira; my family.

She stares into my eyes, and then down at my left arm. She slowly moves her hand to mine and pulls my hand out of the water, giving me the chance to pull away if I desire. I however, let her observe my wrist. She pulls it close to her face and stares at the cuts.

"They're not fresh," she comments.

"No. They're over a week old," I mumble. I had been proud up until now, but a little over a week doesn't seem like much of a feat anymore.

"Then, tonight…"

"I stopped myself. I wanted to, but I didn't. I think I partially have you to thank for that. I made it back to the dorm without doing anything, but I wasn't sure if I'd make it until the end of the night. Thank you. But I have to ask, how did you know?" How did she know? I doubt Luna would have told her already, maybe she could just tell by the way Luna was acting.

"Tieria told me. He told me that you were in trouble and he didn't know what to do," Monica informs me. She releases my wrist and looks me in the eye, "he was worried about you. You know, I've never spoken to him before. I was surprised when he came to me like that. He seemed desperate. You have a good friend in him, Athrun."

"I know," I mumble, burying my hand back in the water. I need to apologize to him; he didn't deserve what he got. We remain silent for a moment, only to be interrupted by a newcomer.

"Wuddup guys? Thanks for the invite!"

"Kira, what are you doing here?" Monica asks, obviously surprised to see him.

"I found the note on Athrun's desk. I figured that unless I'm seriously missing something, I wouldn't be interrupting anything," Kira winks at us, climbing into the hot tub.

"Wow, you really are nosey," I mumble to him.

"You know it!" Kira laughs, clapping a hand on my shoulder. "So how you hangin in there?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, attempting to make it seem as though there isn't anything going on.

"You know… sleeping with Luna… well I suppose you didn't really sleep…" he says quietly.

"How did you know?" I ask questioningly. I didn't tell him, did Tieria tell him too? Or could it have been Monica? I glance over to see if Monica displays a guilty expression, but she looks just as confused as I feel.

"Well, you were freaking out after the meeting, Tieria was all freaked out, Shinn and Luna came late to the meeting. I guess the biggest tip off was seeing Shinn and Luna acting all weird… just like last time," Kira ponders, staring up at the ceiling.

"What? You knew about last time?"

"Of course I did. I know everything. I don't know why you bother trying to hide things from me," he says confidently.

I self consciously pull my arm closer to my body; could he know about that to?

"I have to admit though, I'm hurt man! You go to Lacus before you come to me," he laughs.

"Kira, shh!" Monica interrupts, shushing him at the mention of her real name.

"We bros gotta stick together!" Kira laughs, roughly putting his arm around my neck and playfully pulling me into his arm pit while messing my hair with his other hand.

"Ugh!" I complain, pushing myself out of his grip. He and Monica laugh as I try to brush my long bangs out of my eyes.

"So did you end up getting ahold of your parents, Kira?" Monica asks. I completely forgot; he had been unable to get to earth to see his family last weekend. I wasn't aware that he hadn't been in contact with them since.

"Um, No. That's part of why I came down here," Kira begins, resuming a serious tone. I glance over to Monica who looks intrigued. "I was looking for Athrun so I could talk to him, but when I found the note I figured it would be a good opportunity to talk to both of you."

"About what?" Monica and I question simultaneously.

Kira heaves a heavy sigh and even his posture displays his seriousness. I'm not sure I've ever seen him like this before. What could be going on? I've been so wrapped up in my own drama that I haven't even taken a minute to speak with him. I feel so self-centered.

"Well you see, I came across a rather interesting piece of information about a year ago. It hit me pretty hard and I didn't want to believe it, so I tried to ignore it. But now I figure it might be best if I just accept it." He lets out another loud sigh. "Don't freak out ok? I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys this sooner…"

"Kira, what is it?" Monica asks, her anticipation level evident.

He looks away from us, " it turns out that I was adopted. I tried to deny it to myself when I first found out, but now I think it would be better for me and my family if I just sever ties with them, at least for now. Ever since I found out they've been kind of distant. It's only going to get harder to keep in contact with them, so Athrun, if it's cool I think I'll just camp out at your apartment for the time being." He speaks so quickly, throwing his decisions at us without even giving us time to comprehend it. It's pretty clear that he doesn't want to think or talk about this; he just wants to get it out of his mind. I can't say that I really blame him; we have enough weighing us down without outside drama.

But I can't even believe what I'm hearing. Kira's family isn't his real family? Does that mean his sister isn't his real sister either? Where did he really come from? Were his real parents coordinators? How is he so calm about this? I guess he has known for a while. "Yeah, of course. But, wh –"

"I don't know. All they would tell me is that I was adopted at birth. I kept asking for the details but they said they didn't know. I have so many questions too, but I have no idea where I would even begin to look for answers." I haven't seen Kira look this distraught in… ever. I've never seen him deal with anything like this before. Things always seemed a little too good for Kira. Maybe this is why; because the truth was covered up.

"Are you ok with just cutting them out of your life, Kira?" Monica asks.

"Yeah. It will be easier for everyone. They never really approved of my decision to become a soldier, so this way they won't have to worry about it," Kira insists.

"I don't think they'll ever stop worrying about you, Kira. It's just not what parents do; biological or not," Lacus says sweetly. I try to keep a neutral expression, but I can't help but wonder if that's really true. After everything my father has done, does he worry about me? He didn't seem all that worried when he shot me. I can feel my expression sinking. _Stop thinking about yourself, _I tell myself.

"Well Kira, you know we're here for you," Monica says, moving to his side to comfort him.

Kira forces a half smile, "thanks."

"Sorry Athrun, I know this was about you; I kind of stole the spotlight. Are you ok?" Kira asks.

In all honesty I'd completely forgotten about my ordeal with Luna upon hearing this news. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks." It's been quite the night. I'm not sure I was ready to hear that from Kira. His parents were always so good to me. I remember being there as a child and wishing my father was more like his. And Cagalli, what's the deal with her? Is she his biological sister or not? I always thought they looked similar even though their hair color was different; I guess that's because he's a coordinator. I mentally shake my head to clear my mind. I need to be here for Kira now. As of now, neither of us have family other than each other. Maybe now I can return the familial favor. Questions will have to wait for later.

* * *

**I had planned on completely redoing this chapter, then I realized I'd already redone part of it... so I just left it. I'm not overly happy with it, but I think it worked. It just feels a little rushed. Hopefully the next chapter comes out better. **

**Something else I should probably point out is that the history I wrote for Tieria is not his real past from Gundam 00, it's completely made up. **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope to have the next chapter posted sooooooooon. Shit is about to go down! Lol**

** Let me know what you thought!**

**Thanks for reading :)**


	21. Chapter 21: Imprudence

"I'm going to bed, Nicol. I'll see you back in the dorm."

"Ok, I'm just going to finish up this chapter. I'll be back soon," Nicol says, his eyes not leaving the perimeter of his textbook.

"Good luck. Hey do you still need this book?" I ask, waving the thin book in front of him.

He finally looks up, "nah; I've read it like four times. It doesn't make any sense to me. Do you understand any of it?"

"A little; only what Tieria explained to me," I reply, stacking the purple covered text book on top of the rest of my books. "Anyway, good luck."

"Yeah, thanks. Night," Nicol says, squinting to refocus his eyes back on his book.

"Night," I mumble as I begin pacing away. My eyelids are heavy and barely open as I wander back to the dorm. Glancing up at the clock, I realize it's almost midnight. The mobile suit licensing begins tomorrow morning at 09:00. I've had my head buried in text books for the last week, and now my brain feels like it's turned to goo. I hate studying for tests; it's always so nerve wracking. I keep thinking back to things I feel like I don't know very well, but I think it's probably too late to learn them now. The written exam is less than ten hours away. I shudder slightly, and carry on to the dorm. The lights are off, but our curfew has been extended as it's our last night to study. When I left Nicol in the library, it was still packed with students taking part in last minute cram sessions. I feel like I've done all I can, and my mind is slowly shutting down.

I enter the dorm quietly and slip off my shoes. Tieria and Kira are both sound asleep, and I do my best not to wake them. I clumsily fumble on a pair of pajama pants and throw my clothes in a pile beneath my desk before climbing to the top of my bunk. Once the curtain is pulled around my bed, I flick on my light for a last minute look at my text book. I prop my pillow against the wall and lean back against the insufficient padding of the hard surface and stare at what appears only to be a jumble of letter and numbers on my page.

_Come on, focus!_ No matter how many times I tell myself, I think I've reached my saturation point. The written exam is in nine hours, I think I'm out of luck for now. Following the written exam, there's the practical portion in which we are matched up with an invigilator and asked to perform certain skills tasks and skill. I guess if they figure you can follow instructions well enough then you receive your license. It seems like a pretty pointless test; if you can lift the mobile suit's left arm when they tell you to and answer a few questions about its engine then you're fit to pilot one in battle. What a joke.

It isn't the practical portion I'm worried about as I've had more than enough practice; it's the written portion. I can pilot a mobile suit fine, but I don't know much about the mechanics. Tieria has taught me a bit and I've been reading up on it a lot in the last week, but I still don't feel ready. Maybe it isn't that I don't feel like I know enough, maybe it's that I don't know if this is what I should be doing. I've already been dispatched on one mission, and yet it still doesn't seem completely real. Once I have my license I can be plucked from this academy and thrown on a team faster than I know. Or worse – I could be taken as the final member of the van Aderkas team. I don't want to leave the academy or my friends. Is this really what I want to do? To be a soldier and fight in a mobile suit until the war is over or until I die; whatever happens to befall me first.

Ugh, I shouldn't be thinking about this right now, I need to get some sleep or I won't be able to focus tomorrow. I shake my head and lean over the bed rail to place my text book on my dresser. Flicking the lights off, I lay back and rest my hands behind my head. I feel exhausted, yet I'm wide awake. I can't force my brain to stop thinking. I have a bad feeling about tomorrow.

Nicol still isn't back yet. He and I have barely left the library this week, yet I haven't seen Kira or Tieria there once. They both seem so relaxed. I guess Tieria is no surprise, but Kira should have at least been studying. I've never seen him pilot before; I assume he's in a lower level group. Then again, he's always been good at whatever he does. Shinn and Rey have also spent a lot of time in the library, as have Yzak and Dearka. There are only a few others in our group that are taking the licensing test.

What if Kira, Tieria and Nicol all pass but I fail. Will they be taken from the academy and put on teams while I'm left behind? What if we're all separated? I don't want to be left alone. I don't want to write this test. I don't want to be here at all. I run my fingertips along the edge of my mother's photograph. If only she were still alive, I wouldn't even be here.

My finger hits a bump at the corner of the photo paper: the thumbtack. No. I told myself I wasn't doing this anymore. But the thoughts won't stop. I don't know how else to make them go away. Should I message Lacus? No, it's past midnight; I can't bother her. I could wake up Kira or Tieria? Or I could go find Nicol, he's still awake. But what do I say? I'm stressed out? They're all in the same position I am. This is stupid; I'm too weak to overcome such a measly wave of thoughts. Was I always this weak?

I pull the tack from the wall and press it into my arm. Why am I doing this? I said I wouldn't do this anymore. I don't want to think about it. I push the sharp object in again, harder this time, creating a second streak across my pale flesh. A third… and a fourth. My mind becomes completely numb. I drop the tack, barely hearing it hit the floor behind my bed.

All that I can think about is the welcomed pain in my arm. Pulling my wrist close to my chest, I curl up facing the wall. I clench my eyes shut and feel a tear burn down my face. Why do I have such a horrible feeling about tomorrow?

* * *

I awaken to the sound of Nicol's extremely persistent alarm clock ringing across the room. I hear him slap the off button, but strangely enough he doesn't get up. He must have been up later than I thought. I sit up and rub my eyes with the back of my hand. My head still feels tremendously cloudy from last night. My wrist is tender under the wrist band, and every now and then when I move it the wrong way it stings. I put my palm to my forehead; I can't believe I did it again. I inhale deeply and pull my curtain back.

Tieria's moving around in his bed, but there's no movement from Nicol's corner of the room. Strange, usually he's out of bed instantly. I ensure that my wristband s covering my wounds, then climb out of bed and head for the shower. I turn the water on cold, hoping it will wake me up since I'm so exhausted from last night. I wash my hair and then continue to let the cold water hit my face with a light force. The temperature feels soothing and I feel more relaxed than I've felt in days.

Today's the day – once I get through today it's done. I climb out of the shower and wrap a towel around my waist. Once dry and clothed, I wander back out into the dorm to find Nicol still asleep. Kira and Tieria are chatting casually, but Nicol's curtain is still shut. I cast Kira a questioning glance, but he only shrugs his shoulders in response.

"Dude, are you ok?" I ask, pulling Nicol's curtain slightly.

"Huh? Wha?" Nicol mumbles.

"It's time to get up. We're supposed to be down there in an hour. You should get up," I insist, pulling his curtain further.

"Right. Sorry," he says, sitting up rubbing his eyes.

"How late were you up last night?"

"Uh... I uno," he murmurs, "maybe two?" He sits up a bit more and then collapses back into his pillow.

I hear a thump and turn to see Tieria jump off his bed, his knees nearly buckling under him. Kira and I laugh a bit, and then Tieria turns on the light before wandering into the bathroom himself.

Kira too, jumps down from his bed and walks over to Nicol's bed.

"Dude, you're pale as fuck! What's wrong with you?" Kira says blatantly.

"I'm just tired," Nicol insists, again rubbing his eyes.

"I'm getting food, coming?" Kira asks me, pulling on a clean t-shirt.

"Uh, yeah. Nicol?" I ask.

"I'll be there soon. I'm gonna take a shower."

"See yeah," Kira says. I follow him out of the room and towards the cafeteria. He seems so relaxed.

* * *

At 9:30, we along with the rest of the applicants assemble in the first gymnasium to write the written portion of the exam. I'm blown away by the number of students present; there were only about two hundred students in our year, but I suppose students and soldiers from other years are writing the test too. The doors are opened to reveal a sea of desks as well as many invigilators. As we begin pouring into the room, I lose track of Kira, Tieria and Nicol. I'm swept into a desk before I get a chance to look around. Oh well, I'll meet up with them later. I need to focus now. I wait impatiently as everyone takes their seat and I sloppily fill out my name on the multiple choice bubble sheet. Contrary to others, I hate multiple choice tests. At least if its written answer, I can try for part marks. It seems whenever I'm trying to answer a multiple choice question, I have it narrowed down to two answers and I have to guess. I lean back in my seat and continue to wait. I glance around, but I can't seem to spot any of the other three. Perhaps there are more people in the other gym.

The written portion doesn't prove to be overly difficult. All those tutorials from Tieria paid off in the end, even if I did offend him several times by falling asleep. I ended up leaving earlier than the majority of the students writing, and I'm not sure whether to be proud or worried because of that. Regardless, it's over and I feel extremely relieved. One part down, one to go. In all honesty, I'm far more worried about the practical portion now that it's upon me. I wonder if we'll be required to fight at all; they were a little vague on the details.

After dropping by the dorm to pick up my stuff for the second portion of the test, I slowly wander on down to the cafeteria. I didn't eat anything at breakfast; I was too nervous I guess, but I'm starving now. I fill my plate with hash browns, bacon, eggs and toast. It's weird; I hardly ever come to the cafeteria alone. Just as I'm about to pick up my cutlery, I hear a familiar voice behind me.

"Finally work up an appetite after writing that test?"

Startled, I quickly turn around to see Nicol behind me, a tray full of food in his hands as well.

"Hey – Yeah. How 'bout you? No time for breakfast this morning? You kind of slept in."

"Yeah. I was up late last night," Nicol says, following me to a table. "So what did you think?"

"I thought it was ok, what about you?"

"I found it difficult actually," Nicol frowns, "I don't know if I passed. Oh well, maybe the practical part will save me."

I offer an encouraging smile, "I'm sure you'll do fine." Nicol's a pretty decent pilot, he's naive at times, but in time he'll be a good addition to ZAFT. I look up at him, the only thing he's focused on right now is stuffing his face – which reminds me, I should be doing the same. I resume stuffing my own mouth full of food.

"Hey," I mumble, my mouth filled with hash browns, "did you see Kira or Tieria at all? I haven't seen them since we went into the gymnasium."

"Nope," he says, wiping his mouth with a napkin, "but they're doing the tests in shifts; perhaps they're already doing it?" Nicol suggests.

"Right," I say. Something doesn't feel right. How did I completely lose sight of them in the gym? I guess I didn't see Nicol either. Maybe he's right. Either way, I need to focus on this test now.

After breakfast, I sit alone in the common room impatiently awaiting the dreaded test of fate only hours away. This was a terrible idea, sitting here doing nothing. I feel like my nerves are going to eat me from the inside out. My stomach has been doing back flips all morning and I can even feel myself breathing heavily. Annoyed, I leave the common room and proceed to pace around the building until it's finally 1430.

At that time, I head for the locker room and change into my burgundy pilot suit. I can feel my heart racing through the material. Why am I so nervous? I've fought battles in mobile suits before, yet I'm terrified of a stupid test. I sit down on the bench; beads of sweat pour off my forehead and my hands shake as I finger the ring on the chain around my neck. I wonder if Hylas would be applying if he were here now. I squeeze the ring tightly before zipping up the collar of my pilot suit.

I slowly close my locker and reluctantly make my way to the hangar where I find the last person I would have liked to see about now: Shinn Asuka. I haven't spoken to him since the night with Luna. He shoots me a dirty look and is about to open his mouth to speak just as a commander enters the room. He takes our names and directs us into mobile suits. We head out along with a few other people. I make a mental note of the number of Shinn's mobile suit as we pace slowly out into the field.

As we approach the main battle field, I notice a number of student mobile suits paired with white ZAKU's, much like the one Tieria had piloted on the mission. I'm separated from the rest of the students, and paired with one of the invigilators in white. As he orders certain commands, I realize how young the person sounds; he can't be much older than me. His head appears on my main screen, but I'm unable to make out his face under his helmet. He continues to spout off simple commands; lift the right arm, left arm, focus cameras and read small print, draw weapons, touch certain points with the hands, etc. It's all simple things that I've never really thought about before while piloting. Once the tasks are complete, we engage in a short, controlled sparing match.

Overall, I feel that I did fairly well. I guess this test is designed for those who haven't had much experience in a mobile suit; after all, pilots aren't actually supposed to embark on missions like ours without a license. I don't know why I was so nervous.

Once finished the match, I am informed that I'll receive the results within twenty four hours, and I am sent to the sparring field. I guess this is their last chance to see how we fight from a spectator's perspective. Uninstructed, I approach a lone mobile suit and offer to spar with him. He turns around, and I am mortified when I recognize the number on his suit. I wonder if he recognizes me as well. Unfortunately, I glance around to see the evaluators watching us already, waiting for something to happen. An invigilator approaches to instructs us and we are each handed a shield and to my surprise, a beam saber. I've never fought with a weapon such as this before; it makes me nervous.

"In this match, you will demonstrate your power, your skill and most of all, your control. You have been supplied with one of the more deadly weapons generally wielded by a mobile suit pilot. Unnecessary killing is a huge problem amongst soldiers. Once a soldier holds a powerful weapon, they become less than human. You are to disarm your opponent _only_. Good luck," the invigilator in the white ZAKU's pilot says, stepping aside and allowing us to begin.

I take up a defensive position and await Shinn's next action. Sure enough, his face appears on my screen and his beam saber ignites. I've never handled or even seen a real beam saber before. I've used practice ones for certain, but I've never held such a powerful weapon in my own hands. Come to think of it, it isn't my own hands I'm worried about.

Sure enough, Shinn raises his beam saber above his head and quickly moves for a vertical slash. I quickly ignite my own weapon and block it high above my own head. I break free of the hold and manage to swing my weapon horizontally into Shinn's shield, causing him to stumble backwards.

Before long, our innocent sparring match has escalated into a heated battle. We simultaneously swing our weapons only to have them clash and lock at shoulder level. To my utter astonishment, Shinn thrusts me back with great force and before I have time to react and regain my position, his beam saber is raised high above his shoulders in both hands.

"You've taken everything from me! No matter what I do, all you ever do is cause me more pain! I'm through with trying!"

"Shinn stop!" I gasp as he brings it down fiercely through the shoulder of my machine, piercing the left side of my cockpit.

"Arrrrggggghhhh!!" I let out a hoarse cry as it comes into contact with my body. My mobile suit is thrown back and I feel an overwhelming heat conquer my body. I know I should be in pain right now, but I all I feel is hot. I can see blood gushing from my hand, but then I realize I'm still in battle. My cockpit is wide open now.

I look up to see his weapon again raised above his head, ready for the killing blow.

"THIS ENDS TODAY!" Shinn belows.

This is it; it's all over.

"Athrun! Get out of there!"

That voice… it's painstakingly familiar. The invigilator; the white ZAKU! The face appears on my screen! It's Kira!

Before I'm able to speak, the ZAKU dives in front of me, blocking Shinn's blow. The ZAKU's beam sword and Shinn's beam saber swing wildly against each other. I hear both of them scream angrily; words I cannot distinguish. I can hear my heart beating through my chest; I cough and look down at the blood covering my monitor. Am I dying? I grit my teeth tightly and force myself to watch the ongoing battle; a battle more ferocious than any I've seen or fought before. I can taste the blood in my mouth, and I feel as though I'm going to pass out. I force myself to continue to stare.

I watch in horror as the two suits swing their weapons violently, accompanied by loud cries of pain and determination. I hear a blood curdling scream, only to see Shinn's green beam saber emerge from the back of Kira's cockpit. Shinn too releases a horrid scream as Kira's sword simultaneously pierces his cockpit, and the two suits begin to spark and fall.

The white ZAKU hit's my machine.

Everything goes black.

* * *

**Does this answer some questions? Sort of? Not yet? I suppose you'll have to keep reading...**

**Let me know what you thought, the more reviews, the faster the next chapter will go up!**

**Do I believe in character death? I guess you'll find out!!**


	22. Chapter 22: Aftermath

I awaken to the sounds of jumbled voices in the distance along with the bitterly sweet essence of an overly sanitized room.

My head feels fuzzy, my entire body aches and I can't remember anything. Where am I? What happened?

I slowly force my eyes open but am blinded by the bright lights surrounding me. I squint my eyes, then slowly open them and allow them to adjust to the light. I'm lying in a hospital bed surrounded by luscious white linens and pillows. My blankets are pulled up to my chest, and as my vision focuses I realize my arm is covered from my finger tips to my shoulder in bandages and held in a sling.

What the hell happened? There's an IV running from a bag hanging above my head down into my right arm. I suppose that would explain why my head feels so cloudy.

"Hey, you're awake."

I glance quickly to my left, causing my vision to spin horrendously and my eyes to snap shut.

As I slowly open my tightly clenched eyes, I notice the familiar purple shade of Tieria's hair. He looks utterly exhausted; his eyes are bloodshot, his face is pale and his right eye is surrounded by bruising. Nevertheless, he wears a relieved expression across his tired features.

"What happened?" I ask, attempting to sit up. A searing pain shoots through my left shoulder; crippling my body and forcing me back down into the pillows.

"You shouldn't try to move," Tieria says calmly, readjusting the disturbed pillow under my arm, "you were injured in a sparring match that took place three days ago."

"Three days ago…" my voice trails off. Gritting my teeth, I hold my hand to my left arm and wrack my brain for an answer. Why can't I remember anything?

"Your collar bone was badly broken in the accident, and some of the tendons in your hand were injured. You've got a fractured ankle and some burns, but other than that, you're in alright shape. Considering the condition of your mobile suit when you were brought in, I'd say you're pretty lucky."

I brush my fingertips across the tape and mass of bandages on my collarbone, still trying to remember what happened. At that instant my heart stops; I remember the beam saber cutting through the left side of my cockpit. Then Kira came in and –

"KIRA!" I cry out, lunging forward in my bed.

"Athrun!" Tieria scolds, gently pushing me back down into my bed. He presses a button on the side of the bed and the upper portion of the bed rises up, lifting me into a half sitting position. I can feel tears come into my eyes.

"Where's Kira? And Shinn? Are they…" I ask frantically, not knowing if I really want to know the answer. The image of the beam saber emerging through the back of Kira's cockpit overwhelms my mind.

"Shinn is there," Tieria says, pointing across the room to where Shinn lays sleeping in another bed. "He has some broken ribs, a broken arm and a concussion, but he's in better shape than you are. He hasn't woken up yet."

"And Kira?" I demand.

Tieria drops his head to the side, eyes resting on the curtain to my right. "His condition isn't good. They weren't sure if he would survive the first night he was here. They brought him in with several broken bones including a fractured spine and a ruptured lung. The doctors did all they could for him, now it all depends on how his body responds to treatment. He's suffering from paralysis but they're not sure yet if it will be permanent. He hasn't woken up either," He explains. I feel like I'm watching – no I feel like I'm living a horror movie. An on-the-edge-of-your-seat horror movie in which you want to know what happens next but you can't bear to see it at the same time.

I can feel my jaw hanging open in shock. It's too much to comprehend. I can feel my breath and my pulse quicken as though I'm hyperventilating. If I hadn't gotten carried away in that stupid match with Shinn, Kira would be ok. "Where is he?"

Tieria nods in the direction of the curtain beside me. I relax a little, knowing that he's beside me; I breathe a sigh of relief and relax back into my pillows. Part of me wants to see him, even if only to confirm that he's alive; but at the moment, I'm not sure it's a good idea.

I notice two empty chairs beside Tieria; probably the ones from beside Shinn and Kira's beds, and I cast Tieria a questioning glance.

"Monica and Nicol were here. They've been here for the last three days; I pretty well had to force them to go into town today. They didn't want to leave you." I completely forgot that three days from Thursday would make today Sunday. I've completely lost my sense of time and date.

"Why didn't you go? And what happened to your eye?" I ask, finally questioning the mysterious bruise around his eye. I hope he wasn't somehow involved.

We're interrupted as the door opens and Mu enters the room carrying two paper coffee cups from the snack bar. He hands one to Tieria and sits beside him. "Figured you'd still be here," Mu says to Tieria, "you should get some sleep; you look almost as bad as he does," Mu nods nodding in my direction.

"Uh, thank you?" Tieria says, taking a sip from the cup.

"So how are you feeling kiddo?" Mu asks in a fatherly manner.

"Kind of like I got hit by a bus," I say in good humor, although I don't feel too far off that.

"I think the feeling is mutual in here," Mu says, glancing over to Shinn and then in Kira's direction. "You look a lot better than you did when they first brought you in here though. Know what a compound fracture is?" he asks, referring to my collar bone. I shudder at thought of my collar bone snapping in half and protruding through my skin. I nod slightly. "You lost a lot of blood; enough that you required a blood transfusion," Mu says uneasily.

"A blood transfusion?" With today's regeneration technology, blood transfusions are almost unheard of; not to say that they haven't been scientifically perfected, they're just generally unnecessary. Because of the new technology, blood is generally not supplied to hospitals; therefore if a transfusion is necessary, a donor has to be found on the spot. "May I ask who the donor was?"

Tieria shifts uncomfortably in his chair and he moves his right hand to cover a band aid on the inside of his left elbow.

"You're looking at him," Mu says, "blood type O. You're lucky; the universal donor, but you can only receive from another O type. It's one of the more uncommon types."

I glance up at the IV running into my arm. I nod to Tieria and silently thank him. It's no wonder that his face is so pale, but you can't get a black eye from giving blood.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Shinn yells loudly from across the room. I turn quickly in his direction in time to see him sit bolt upright as he yells. Mu stands up and places his coffee cup on my bedside table before walking over to Shinn.

Sweat pours down Shinn's bandaged forehead as he gasps for air and winces in pain. He wears no shirt and his torso is wrapped in tape, labeling his broken ribs. "Who was the pilot of that white suit?" he pants in a demanding tone.

Mu approaches him and nods in Kira's direction. Evidently Shinn can see Kira from his own bed as his look of rage subsides and his expression turns to one of deliberation. "Him, but why?" Shinn asks. He winces again and wraps his arms around his torso before Mu gently lays him back into his bed. He catches sight of me and reassumes his look of anger. He quickly grunts and looks off into a different direction, "this is all your fault."

"That's enough," Mu says firmly.

Shinn's words cut deep into my heart and I turn my head away from everyone else, facing the curtain that hides my best friend from me. I feel Tieria gently place a trembling hand on the edge of my shoulder. He's right though, isn't he?

Mu grabs one of the chairs from beside my bed and drags it to a spot at an equal distance between our two beds. He sits down and lets out a loud sigh. "I suppose now that the two of you are awake I should tell you the news." At this, I notice that Shinn looks up intently; however I continue to look away. "You two were both successful in obtaining your pilot licenses, and you two along with Kira were the top choices for the van Aderkas team. However, since the ship was scheduled to depart yesterday and none of you were able to pilot in your condition, Rey Za Burrel was chosen for the position."

"Rey?" Shinn whispers softly.

"What? Rey?" I yell, finally acknowledging Mu. "Why didn't they take Tieria?" I demand. It doesn't make sense; Tieria is an amazing pilot with talent and skill far beyond what Rey could ever even dream of achieving.

"Tieria did not apply," Mu answers, "he was however, offered the position, but he declined it."

I look questioningly at Tieria who hangs his head. "Why?"

"The decision was his own personal choice, Athrun. You need to respect that. Regardless, the position has been filled and the team has embarked on its first mission." Mu glances over at Shinn who turns away uncomfortably. The news has obviously hit him hard. Seeing this, Mu stands up and heads for the door, "I have some things I need to take care of; I'll see you guys later. Take care," he says, exiting the room. "Oh and Tieria," he says, popping his head back around the corner, "get some sleep."

"Right…" Tieria mumbles as the door is shut behind Mu.

It isn't long before Monica and Nicol return from their trip into town. Monica carries three bouquets of flowers; leaving on my bedside table, she goes behind the curtain to leave one with Kira, and to my surprise, she places one on Shinn's table. Shinn casts her a questioning glance, yet she simply smiles at him and asks him how he's feeling. He responds by saying he's alright in the most polite tone he can force. How could anyone be nasty to Monica?

"Oh I'm so glad you're alright," she says, returning to my side and cautiously hugging me. I return her kind gesture with a sad attempt at a one handed hug. I catch Shinn's eye over Monica's shoulder; he looks almost angry. I do my best to simply avoid his glance.

"Tieria, you look horrible. Go get cleaned up and maybe get some sleep," Nicol says as Tieria tries to cover up a yawn.

"We'll stay here. You need to get some rest," Monica says kindly. "Let us take over for a while," she smiles.

"Yeah, maybe I will. Thanks, I'll be back in a bit," he says, yawning again. He stands up and heads for the door.

"Are you feeling alright?" Monica asks me, making herself comfortable in the chair closest to my head.

"Yeah, you've been out for days," Nicol adds.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I reply not so honestly. Physically, I'm in a bit of pain, but not near the severity of the emotional hurt. I still haven't gotten over the initial shock. My best friend is lying barely alive in a hospital bed and it's entirely my fault. I can't help but feel completely consumed with guilt. It was also my fault that we all missed our chance at the van Aderkas team. Not that I wanted the position, but I'm not sure if the same can be said for the others. I feel like crying, but I know I can't break down in front Monica, Nicol and Shinn. I'm sure the emotional strain on all of them is heavy enough. All I want right now is to be alone. I catch Monica and Nicol exchange worried glances. I didn't even realize I was sulking.

"So I heard you passed your test, Athrun," Nicol says, attempting to create conversation, "Congratulations!"

"Yeah, thanks. How about you?"

"I failed it. I'll redo it next term; no biggie." He seems to be taking it extremely well; far better than I would have if I had failed. In all honesty, I'm surprised I passed after pulling a stunt like that. I guess it _would_ look pretty bad if the Red status pilots they sent out on a mission failed their licensing tests. But why didn't they pass Nicol?

"I see…. Oh hey, what happened to Tieria's eye?" I ask, remembering the bruising around his eye.

"Oh," Monica says, "it was Yzak in martial arts. Are you surprised? Tieria meant for it to happen though."

"What?" I ask, completely confused. Meant for it to happen? Why are they grinning?

"It was kind of funny actually, well, until Tieria got hit. He pushed Yzak until he blew," Nicol explains.

"But why?" It still doesn't make sense to me.

"Athrun, he did it so he could be excused from class; so that he could be here with you and Kira," Monica says. "He's hardly left since you've been here. He has a moderate concussion so he'll probably be out of class for the next couple of days. He didn't want to leave you guys alone."

I understand now, but it only adds to the guilt wrenching in my stomach. Another one of my friends was injured on my account. As much as I'm grateful, I wish he hadn't have done it.

* * *

That evening, Tieria and Monica remain with me until the nurse arrives around 21:30 to inform them that visiting hours are over. Despite their protests, the nurse only smiles and ushers them out of the room assuring them that I will be well taken care of. I thank them and wish them good night as they leave.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Zala?" She asks sweetly.

"I'm ok thanks," I reply, inwardly cringing at the name.

"Do you mind if I take a look at your hand? I need to clean out the wound; would that be ok?" She sits on the edge of my bed and smiles down at me. She looks young; no older than thirty, and her light wavy brown hair complements the soft feature upon her light skin. Everything about her displays genuine kindness and purity.

"Uh, sure," I say, lost in the gentle look in her eyes.

"Thank you," she smiles again, reaching down to pick up a small catch basin filled with bottles

"Uh, no problem," I say awkwardly. As she reaches her arms around my neck to untie my sling, I feel a strange sensation of warmth; not in a sexual way, but in a comforting manner. I feel secure and cared for; I feel happy. It's almost a maternal feeling. She giggles a little as I shiver, and again, she smiles at me and apologizes. I feel the muscles in my neck and shoulders begin to relax as the tension of the sling is removed. As she looks into my eyes once again, I realize why her expression is so familiar.

Her bright green eyes are similar to those of my mother, and her expression is filled with happiness and warmth, just as my mother's was. I can remember countless times when my father had said something that upset me. I would be crying and upset and even if my mother had no idea what happened, she would always find me and reassure me that my father loved me and everything would be ok. Even in the most trivial of times all she had to do was look down at me with her brilliant emerald eyes and her loving smile and I knew everything would be alright. I miss my mother.

"Mr. Zala, are you alright?" The nurse asks, noticing my sulking state.

"Sorry, yes I'm fine. Please though, call me Athrun?" I request. I can't stand hearing the name Zala from someone so kind and gentle; it just doesn't fit.

"Alright, Athrun. Now I'm going to need that hand of yours," she smiles happily. She moves closer to me and gently pulls my left hand into her lap. She dumps the contents of the small basin onto the mattress beside her and begins unraveling the thick, bloodstained bandages from my hand.

"You have a good friends, Athrun," she says quietly as she concentrates on the bandages.

"Huh?"

"Every night I've had to make them leave. Mr. Erde is always sitting outside the door in the mornings when I arrive. They've barely left your side since you got here. He was even with you when you were brought in." She places my hand down on her knee and pulls a needle out of its wrapper. "This may sting a bit."

I hang my head. I know I have great friends; that's why I feel guilty that Tieria was injured. It's the same with Kira. "Believe it or not, I've only known Tieria a couple of months," I wince as the needle penetrates my skin. I look down at my exposed hand to see a large swollen, bruised and bloody wound with several large stitches attempting to hold it closed. It's everything a normal hand shouldn't be.

"But why does it matter how long you've known him? A friendship can't be gauged on how long it's existed. Sorry, you might want to look away while I do this," she says, holding a clear bottle filled with a transparent liquid over my hand. I absently turn my head away. She's right; we're close despite the short amount of time we've known each other. Even though we've only recently met, I feel like I can trust him. He's always been there for me and I know he genuinely cares. There are very few people in this world that I can depend on like that. Again, it brings my mind back to Kira.

"Good friends are hard to come by, and it's important to keep them close when you do find them – especially with the life you've chosen. War does its best to create mindless killing machines out of young soldiers like yourself; your friends become all you have to keep you human."

I look her directly in the eye; this wasn't something I had been expecting to hear. How is she so wise? She looks so young. I guess she's seen battle before though. Is that my fate too?

I glance down at my hand and am horrified to see a bubbling white liquid escaping the wound.

"Don't worry, it's only cleaning it," she says, apparently reading the expression on my face.

"That's gonna leave an ugly scar," I mumble.

"It isn't the scar you should be worried about," she says in a serious tone.

"What?"

"Did no one tell you?" She pauses, looking up at me with a serious expression, "There's likely to be some permanent damage. Several of the tendons in your hand were completely obliterated by the oncoming beam saber. If the damage is completely repairable, it will take a considerable amount of time before it's the same again. I'm sorry."

Why did no one tell me this? I'm sure Tieria and Mu both knew. Will I still be able to function? To pilot? To get by?

"It isn't a big deal really. The rest of your body will heal fine given adequate time and treatment. If need be, you'll adjust to the handicap fine," she says, blotting the wound with a cotton ball. A handicap? I never imagined something like this could happen to me. I guess it's something I should have considered when signing up to pilot a mobile suit, but I haven't even entered battle yet. I'm afraid for what the future might hold.

"H – How long will I have to stay here?" I ask nervously, not really wanting to know the answer after my most recent news. I've had enough bad news for one day. I squirm anxiously as I await her answer which seems to take years to come.

"Probably a little over a week. You have a small fracture in your ankle and since you won't be able to use crutches with your shoulder like that, you'll have to wait for it to heal a little more. You also shouldn't be moving around too much with your clavicle in two pieces like that," she says smiling. As much as I'm grateful for her kindness, smiling just doesn't seem appropriate right now.

"Right," I mutter in agreement. I watch as she splints two of my fingers and layers the fresh bandages heavily around my hand. Her touch is soft and gentle, and although I never thought of having bandages applied as a nice thing before, I kind of like it. I don't want her to leave; I don't want to be alone.

"Mind if I take a peek at your shoulder?" She asks, sliding my left arm back against my body.

"Sure," I reply, as though I have a choice. I really don't mind though; I'm grateful for her company. There's something positive about her, something optimistic.

She unbuttons my hospital shirt and gently runs her fingers over the lump on my shoulder. I wince slightly as she presses down a little harder. "It was a rough break; it had to be surgically realigned. It's a good thing you weren't conscious when you were brought in," she says, somehow still managing to smile and sound sincere. "It's still pretty swollen. I'm going to get you an ice pack alright? Fifteen minutes and then you're free to go to sleep." She giggles and walks across the room.

As she turns her back to me, I gently run my own fingers over my shoulder and feel the unnatural mass on my collar bone. In a strange, twisted way I'm almost thankful that I was injured. It meant that I couldn't be chosen for the van Aderkas team and although my father might be angry about that, there isn't anything he can do. Plus I get to spend more time with my friends.

That's when it hits me. Soon we'll all be sent out on different missions, different teams, and we'll be separated. Kira, Nicol, Tieria and Monica are my family; they're really all I have in this world. I'm not sure that I can live without them. My mind grows increasingly foggy and I can feel my face grow warm and my breathing, heavy.

"Are you alright?" The nurse asks me. I thought she left the room. She places a thick cloth encased ice pack on my shoulder and I move my right hand to hold it, accidently brushing hers along the way.

She giggles slightly, "sorry," she says, smiling. I can feel my face turn red a bit as I stare up into her eyes once more. I feel my breathing slow and I relax a little.

_One thing at a time,_ a voice inside my head tells me.

"I'll be back in fifteen minutes ok? Just hold it there and try to relax." She walks over to Shinn's side of the room and closes the curtain around my quarter of the room.

I balance the compress on my shoulder and then sink my body lower into the pillows, pulling the blanket as high as I can with my right hand. My body feels pathetically weak and I can barely find the strength to lift my head off the pillow. I hate this feeling: the feeling of utter uselessness.

I can hear Shinn complaining on the other side of the curtain as the nurse speaks with him. I do my best to ignore his grunts and protests. Here he is whining and complaining like a child when he should be grateful that he's alive after what happened. I can't help but feel bad for him however. I haven't been left alone by my friends all day, but he hasn't had any visitors. I've caught a few envious glances from him throughout the day. I know that he's lonely. Monica offered to have his bed moved closer so we could all talk, but he simply refused. If only he'd let his pride go; he'd be so much better off.

Thinking about what he doesn't have makes me realize what I do possess. I always think about what I don't have, but I fail to realize what I _do_ have. Monica. I've known her for as long as I can remember and even when we were young, she always took care of me. I was a bit of a cry baby when we were young, yet she always comforted me. Then there's Nicol. I don't feel that I know him as well as the others, but I still feel like he's family. He may be naïve, but he's lucky that way and it causes him to always see the best in people. I envy his optimism. I only recently met Tieria, but we've grown so close so fast. Possibly because he has no one else, but I feel like I can relate to him; like he's experienced some of the same stuff I have. Last but definitely not least is Kira. I've known him all my life and I could never think of him as anything less than a brother. He and I have been through so much together, and he's never failed to be there for me through thick and thin. Kira is the most loyal and selfless person I've ever met or known, which was demonstrated when he took that hit for me. I could never ask for a better friend. If only I hadn't screwed up and forced him to take that hit. Then everything would be ok.

The nurse returns in fifteen minutes as promised, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I feel an even greater sympathy for Shinn as I realize what he's been going through all day; utter loneliness. I lay awake in my bed and glance around the darkened room in attempt to find something to distract me from my thoughts. I notice something out of place on my bedside table and look more closely to find my cell phone. I definitely didn't bring that down, and I didn't notice it when I first woke up.

Ugh! Why is that table on my left side? I slowly reach across my body, gritting my teeth and waiting for pain to attack my body, but nothing comes. I grab my phone and return to my normal position, confused. Then I glance up at the IV bag hanging over my bed and realize it's a deeper yellow than earlier. I suppose the concentration of pain killers has been increased. Sighing deeply, I open my phone and as the screen lights up, a small folded piece of paper falls out.

"Huh?" I mumble quietly. With some difficulty, I open the paper to find a scribbled note.

_'Hang in there. Text me if you need anything. –Tieria'_

Underneath the text is a scribbled phone number. Upon checking my messages, I find that I have a text from Lacus saying the same thing. I smile to myself; I'm grateful to have friends that care. I add Tieria to the address book and snap my phone closed. I didn't even know that he had a cell phone. I wonder what Kira would be doing if he hadn't jumped between Shinn and I during the fight. Would he be with me as much as Monica and Tieria? I shake my head, causing it to spin again. Of course he'd be there, and I would do the same for him.

I still don't think it's really sunk in yet, what happened to Kira. I only realize now that I still haven't seen him. Maybe if I see him with my own eyes it will become more real. Do I really want that? Regardless, I need to confirm that he is indeed alive. Without another thought, I pull my blankets back, brace my left arm and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I wonder if I'm even able to put weight on my ankle. Nevertheless, I'm going to try. It's only a few steps anyway. As I stand up, I realize just what three days without walking does to you; my legs are incredibly shaky despite the instability in my left foot.

"What are you doing? You know you're not supposed to get up," Shinn grunts from the other side of the room.

"Don't worry about it," I say, trying to hide the pain in my voice, "go back to sleep." Shinn only grunts in response.

I manage to physically stabilize myself, forcing more weight onto my right foot before taking my next step. I try to mentally prepare myself as I pull the curtain back separating me from my best friend. The dim light in the room is just enough for me to see the horrible state of my friend. The majority of his body is covered in bandages. A firm brace is rested on his shoulders and screwed into the sides of his skull obviously to keep his neck straight. Half of his face, including his right eye is swathed in bandages and his mouth and nose are covered with an oxygen mask.

I feel my stomach wrench and my knees nearly give out under me. I collapse lightly into a chair at his bedside and I can feel my breathing quicken. It kills me to see him like this, especially since I know it's my fault. As I rest my elbow on my shaking knee and let my forehead sink into the palm of my hand, a tear rolls down my cheek and hangs on my chin.

"Kira…" I sob quietly. I don't care if Shinn can hear me. This isn't Kira; this isn't my best friend. Kira is energetic and always joking around; he's lively and no matter what; he's always there for me. The Kira in front of me is motionless and barely alive. He can't be here for me now, and it's all because of me. For my entire seventeen years of life, he's always been there for me and this is what I do to repay him? I hate what has happened to him, but most of all, I hate myself for allowing it to happen. How could I be so stupid? Why wasn't I thinking?

Tears flow freely down my face now, and I let my head drop softly onto the edge of Kira's bed, being careful not to move his body and ignoring the pain coursing through me due to the absence of the IV. When will Kira wake up? When will things go back to normal? Why did I come here in the first place? If I hadn't volunteered, Kira wouldn't be here either. He and I would be back on the moon going to school without a care in the world. There are so many ways this could have been prevented. The first and foremost being me thinking while sparring with Shinn.

I've wanted to ask the nurse when he'll wake up, but I don't have the guts. I'm afraid to ask because I know the answer I fear most is possible. But it's not real until I hear it.

I jump slightly as I hear the door to the room open. I'm sure it's just a nurse that will come yell at me for being out of bed. I listen quietly, clearing my throat softly to make it known that I'm still in the room. I look up to see none other than Monica duck under the curtain and into Kira's half of the room.

"Monica, what are you doing down here?" I whisper, sniffling in attempt to hide my tears.

"Don't worry about it. I came to check up on you guys." She pulls a second chair close beside mine, and puts her arm gently around my shoulders. "Athrun, are you ok?"

I wipe my eyes with my good hand and lean into her embrace, "I'm ok, well, as good as I can be. Thanks for coming down here," I whisper gratefully.

"It's horrible isn't it? I couldn't stop crying the first time I saw him too."

"I'm so sorry for putting you through this. If I didn't –"

"Athrun, don't blame yourself for this, it's only going to make you feel worse. It's not like you swung the sword on him yourself. He chose to step in and fight. It's not your fault."

I take a deep breath, "I realize that Shinn, Kira and I are the only ones who really saw what happened. Shinn had attacked me and left my cockpit wide open. He would have killed me if he got another hit in. Kira saved my life, Monica."

"Even so, Kira wouldn't want you to feel guilty like this. You would have done the same for him if the situation called, right?"

"Of course I would have," I sob loudly. I don't care if Shinn hears; it might do him good to understand what's happening as a result of our stupidity.

"Athrun, you need to stay strong, for both yours and Kira's sake. He protected you; that's what family does for one another."

"I know, it's just horrible. I wish this never happened to him." Monica tightens her embrace and leans her head on my good shoulder.

"I know. It will be ok though. Believe that he'll wake up. Have faith in him."

I sniffle loudly and again wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my hospital shirt. The material is thin and I can feel my body growing cold. Whether it's actually a decrease in temperature or not, I don't know. Monica takes my right hand in hers and squeezes tightly. She's crying a little now too.

"Kira wouldn't leave us. I know he'll wake up," I say reassuringly, weakly returning the gentle squeeze to her hand. "We can get through this, together."

After a few minutes, Monica sniffles and wipes her tears. "I'm so glad you're awake, Athrun. I felt so alone without you two," she sobs again.

"It's ok. I'm here now," I say, painfully stretching my right arm around her shoulders. I really shouldn't be moving this much, "And soon, Kira will be awake and with us again too." She nudges her head deeper into my shoulder and I rest my chin on top of her head. I'm happy to call her my friend.

We remain there for a good twenty minutes before an angry nurse enters the room and yells at me for being out of bed and at Monica for being there at all.

"Yeah yeah, she's going," I say rudely to the night nurse. I wish it had been the nurse from earlier; she would have understood. I pull a sobbing Monica into a gentle one armed hug and kiss her on the forehead. "Don't worry ok? We'll be fine. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night Athrun. Um…" she stammers hesitantly, "I love you." I smile down at her as her cheeks flush. Although it's always been implied, we've never really said I love you to each other. I guess neither of us wants it to be taken the wrong way. In times like this however, it's only right that it's said.

"I love you too," I say without hesitation. "Have a good sleep."

The nurse ushers her out of the room and I climb back into my bed. I can hear Monica protesting all the way out of the infirmary. "I was just saying good night!"

"Well good night Ms. Blaise. Mr. Zala needs his rest. You can come see him in the morning."

"Don't call him that! His _name_ is Athrun, and I…" Her voice trails off in the distance. I grin to myself; she always did stand up for me like that. The nurse returns to the room and I pull the blankets over my body.

I feel better now than I have all day. Being with her reminds me of how lucky I really am to have such good friends. The nurse pokes the IV needle back into my arm causing me to grunt in pain, but once she's gone, I easily drift off into a deep, peaceful sleep.

* * *

**Well there you have it. I'm sorry I made you wait so long! I've been rereading the seventh Harry Potter book and its been very time consuming! I forgot how much I loved that book!**

**Anyway, is everyone happy that I didn't kill anyone off? LOL, I know there were a few of you that wouldn't have minded saying goodbye to Shinn, but sorry, he's gotta stay for now! **

**But what do you think? Will this knock some sense into Athrun and Shinn? Will they become more civil towards eachother? Even friends? I guess you'll have to wait and see! :)**

**So we finally come across a problem with writing in the first person perspective. When writing from a certain characters point of view, if that certain character happens to be injured and confined to the infirmary for long periods of time, unfortunately I, the writer, and you, the reader, must remain there with him. So for the next week and a half my friends, we will remain at Athrun's side in the infirmary. LOL bear with me please! It will get interesting. **

**Let me know what you thought! I may have mentioned it before, but I do my best to reply to EVERY review I get, so please drop me a line! I'd love to hear from you! **

**Thanks for reading!**


	23. Chapter 23: Revelations

**I'd just like to start by saying that I'm SOO sorry that this took so long. I thought with school being done I would have more free time. But with a summer class and 2 jobs... I'm not quite as free as I'd hoped. Anyway, I won't delay any longer... Happy Reading!**

* * *

I awaken the next morning with a jolt. What caused it? I have no idea. I catch my breath and slowly open my eyes; going back to sleep now is out of the question. Light fills my room and the curtain between Shinn's bed and mine has been pulled open; I guess it's easier for the nurse to keep an eye on us that way.

"Hey," Tieria says casually from his usual spot.

I allow my eyes to adjust and his face comes into a near focus. "Hey," I mumble. My head feels clearer but heavier than it did yesterday and my body feels like dead weight. I rub my eyes with my good hand almost ripping the IV needle out of my arm. I've been poked by that thing far too many times in the last twenty four hours; I have no intention of yanking it out any time soon. I feel sick; my shoulder hurts, my hand feels weird, it's too hot in here and my stomach is ever so graciously reminding me that I haven't eaten in four days.

"How are you feeling?" Tieria asks, acknowledging my sour expression. I don't know why he's even asking; I'm sure my face says it all.

"Disgusting," I retort bluntly. I contort my face further and lift my right hand to my shoulder in attempt to massage the pain from it. No luck.

"They're trying to ease you off some of the medications," Tieria explains. "You're still on basic anti-inflammatory and regenerative drugs but that's about it. I guess your hand is pretty messed up and some of the pain meds slightly interfere with the cell regeneration." I glance up at the IV bag to find that it's fully colorless and transparent in contradiction to the deep yellow of last night. I'm starting to understand; yellow means less pain. I wince slightly as my shoulder throbs; I want the yellow back.

"I can call the nurse if it's really bad," Tieria offers. "I never knew pain killers effected regenerative drugs; it's kind of contradictory if you ask me." I wish he'd just shut up. The last thing I want is to listen to him ramble about nothing right now; my head ache is bad enough as it is.

"It's fine," I lie, "What time is it? Shouldn't you be in class?"

"It's 10:30. And I know you heard; I have a concussion. I can't attend for the next couple of days."

Right, I forgot. I suppose I should be more appreciative, he did go through a lot to ensure that I wouldn't be left alone. "Oh yeah. I still can't believe you did that," I say in a friendlier manner.

Tieria smiles, "I really had him going; it was pretty funny. I've never met someone with anger problems like him. The pride on that guy… God…" he trails off.

"He gets it honestly. You should see his mother," I add, laughing slightly.

"I can imagine. Oh, I did go to academics this morning. I brought you the work you missed. He said you could do it if you felt up to it, but don't worry too much about it. I think he knows it's not going to matter for much longer."

I choose to ignore the last part of his statement; I don't really want to think about that right now. "What is it anyway?"

"Integration and electromagnetism. It's pretty basic," he says, picking up the books off the floor and placing them beside me.

I give him a twisted sarcastic look, "I don't know anyone who thinks calculus and advanced physics are easy." I laugh as Tieria's face turns red. He's too smart for his own good.

"Well I finished it. You can copy mine if it's _too hard_," he counters.

"Oh shut up," I laugh, throwing the note book at him, "maybe you should do it for me. I'm injured after all."

"I see nothing wrong with your right hand," Tieria laughs, picking up the notebook to throw it back but deciding against it. His casual expression changes to one of uneasiness. "I have something else for you," he says, digging in his pocket.

I watch patiently as he pulls out a chain with an object hanging from it. He passes it to me and my eyes widen as I realize its Hylas's necklace that I had been wearing the day of the accident.

"I grabbed it as soon as they took it off you. Although I don't know the details, I know it means something to you."

I continue to stare at the necklace intently, checking it over to ensure that it wasn't at all damaged. Who am I kidding; I'm lucky to have it back at all. How did I not realize it was missing? Tieria continues to stare questioningly at me. I finally explain. "Hylas gave it to me the day he left the academy. Thank you. I could never forgive myself if I lost it."

"Yeah, no problem. I couldn't however, save your wrist band." Tieria mutters quietly.

I wonder if Hylas would be down here if he was still at the academy. Would he have tried to get his license? Could he have somehow been involved if he were here? No, he said he didn't intend to pilot for a while.

"I was there when they cut it off. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. It didn't really mean anything to me," I say, still holding the feature of the necklace at eye level. It's really a beautiful ring. I wonder where it came from. He didn't explain much when he gave it to me.

"Athrun," Tieria says, looking me straight in the eye to get my attention. I glance up at him, staring into his magnified eyes through his glasses. "We expected that under your wrist band would be the only uninjured portion of your left arm. But we were wrong." His tone is firm and extremely serious.

I quickly understand what he's getting at. The area under my wrist band would not be clean. I release a saddened sigh and allow my hand and the necklace to fall into my lap. I hang my head. I never wanted Tieria or anyone else for that matter to find out. It's my problem alone; no one else should be involved.

"I don't expect you to understand," I mumble, doing my best not to make eye contact with my friend.

Tieria leans back in his chair to glance around the curtain, apparently to make sure Shinn is still asleep. When he returns his gaze, I still refuse to make eye contact or even look up at him.

"What is it that's so bad that makes you feel the need to hurt yourself? How is it going to make anything better?" He says in a less than sympathetic tone. If anything, I think he's flat out mad.

"Look Tieria, I appreciate the concern, but there is no way that you can ever understand," I trail off, bracing myself for a long and bitter argument. I don't know what else to say; there's no way to explain why I do it. I barely understand how it works myself; all I know is that it masks the emotional pain. Somehow I doubt Tieria would take that as a satisfactory answer. "Please, just let me deal with it ok?" My head is killing me and the bright lights illuminating the room aren't helping.

"I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds; it just came as a bit of a shock. Just keep in mind that Nicol, Kira, Monica and I, we're all here for you," Tieria says, apparently trying to comfort me. I know he hasn't had much experience in the field, but I'm grateful that he's not pressing the matter.

"It's ok. Just for the record, I never told anyone else either," I say, hoping to leave it at that. I don't want him to feel like an inadequate friend. I know he's there for me along with Kira and the others, but some things I just need to deal with on my own. Then something pops into my head. Now that he's gone digging in my personal life, I might as well take the opportunity to do the same.

"Tieria, I have to ask you about something," I say, finally making eye contact.

"Sure," he says, probably expecting for me to ask him for advice or something.

"That night you stayed at my apartment, you fell asleep on the couch. When I found you, you were… well… crying." I've wanted to ask him this for a while but I never wanted to pry.

The expression which crosses his face resembles one of a child being backed into a corner. I can tell he feels trapped and exposed, but he knows he can't avoid the question – that is unless he gets up and runs out of the room. Unfortunately I couldn't follow him if he did. For a second, it looks as though he might do just that.

Finally, he heaves a sigh similar to my own only moments ago, and bravely looks up at me. "I realized that you probably saw that, I had only hoped you hadn't," he says in a stressed tone. I'm starting to wish I didn't ask.

"You don't have to –"

"It's alright. Look, I never told you the whole truth about what happened to me as a child." He sighs again as he readies himself to spill the truth. "The whole truth is… I really have no idea. I don't remember anything from before or during the terrorist attack. I'm an amnesiac. The only reason I know my name is because of DNA records. For all I know there may not have even been an attack. I vaguely remember being close to a woman; a woman I assume to be my mother, but that's it. I don't remember anything specific about her, I just remember waking up and missing someone. That night at your place, I saw the photo of you and your mother. I know you mourn the loss of your mother just as I do, however I can't remember anything about her. I can't even remember her face; I could walk into her on the street and I wouldn't know her. I've never forgiven myself for not remembering."

I understand now. People of have always told me to hold onto the memories of my mother, yet I've never been grateful or even understood what that meant until now. Tieria has nothing to hold onto. I can't imagine not remembering my mother's face, her voice, her touch, her smile.

I glance down at him; his arms are crossed on the edge of my bed and his chin rests on his right forearm. His eyes look heavy as he stares down at the floor.

"Tieria, you can't blame yourself for something like that. Even if you don't remember her face, it's not as if you would hold her memory any more fondly if you did, right?"

"I know, but that's just it. I have nothing to hold onto. All I know is that she and I were close." He leans back in his chair, dropping his clasped hands behind his head. I can tell he's struggling to keep his composure; he hadn't been expecting to share something like this I'm sure.

"Well, you can't blame yourself for something you can't control; something like amnesia. Don't be so hard on yourself," I insist.

"Yeah. Thanks," he mutters quietly. He seems a little happier to be reassured, but I feel like I've reopened his wounds more so than I've helped heal them. I should have left it alone. He would have told me if he wanted to.

We remain quiet for several minutes. Finally Tieria speaks, surprising me a little.

"There's something else you should know. Lunamaria was sent out as an intelligence member with the van Aderkas team."

"Wha?" I ask, completely taken aback. She's gone? "Does…" I nod my head in Shinn's direction.

"Know? I think so," He says.

"It's probably for the best," I sigh. I know that with Luna gone I stand a far better chance of making peace with Shinn.

"You know what needs to be done, Athrun." Tieria says, as though he's reading my mind.

My head is now throbbing and I feel that I can no longer think. I raise my hand to my forehead and squint my eyes. I try breathing deeply but there is no relief.

"Are you ok?" Tieria asks.

"Yeah," I mumble in a forced tone, "My heads just killing me." My head isn't the only thing. I try to lift my good arm to shield the light from my eyes, but I gasp in pain; everything hurts. I curl forward, grasping my shoulder.

"Athrun?"

I don't reply; I grit my teeth to try to keep myself from screaming out. I hear Tieria's footsteps as he hurries out the door in search of a nurse. I try to keep myself from moving and I hold my breath hoping for the pain to subside. It feels as though a fire has erupted throughout my entire body.

It's not too long after the nurse replaces the IV bag that the pain finally dulls. My entire body grows numb and my head begins to feel fuzzy yet again. I still feel sick to my stomach but I can't see that feeling disappearing anytime soon. I guess it's probably from the regenerative drugs. My breathing grows more relaxed and it's not long before I fall asleep.

When I open my eyes, I find Tieria and Nicol sitting beside my bed eating burgers from the snack bar and talking quietly. I grin lightly as they still haven't noticed that I'm awake. Could Tieria be bonding with the others because of this?

"I thought you didn't like fast food," I mumble quietly to Tieria in an utterly exhausted manner.

"Hey, you're awake," Tieria says with a relieved expression.

"Are you kidding? That's all he eats now! You should see the dorm, there are wrappers everywhere." Nicol laughs.

I stare at Tieria in disbelief.

"Are you feeling better?" Nicol asks.

"I guess. I don't really feel anything," I mutter quietly. It's true; I feel like I don't even have a body.

A nurse enters the room carrying two trays. She puts one in my lap before pulling open the curtain between me and Shinn and proceeding to his bed to give him one. The tray contains a bowl of soup, a spoon and glass of water. I feel like a ninety year old man. Nevertheless, I begin spooning the hot soup into my mouth at a quickened pace. I'm starving.

"Hungry?" Tieria laughs as I continue to drip the hot liquid all over the place.

"Shut up, I haven't eaten in four days," I say between mouthfuls, "I still can't believe you're eating fast food now."

Tieria glares at me. "I need to go do something, I'll be back," he says, standing to leave.

As he walks out the door, Monica pops her head in and whispers something to Tieria.

"Yeah, I did," he whispers back, obviously I assuming I can't hear him.

Monica again peeks her head in the room conspicuously and then turns behind her. She grins back at me and enters the room followed by an unfamiliar looking girl. The girl looks nervous; her long blond hair falls over her shoulders in a manner that depicts a very familiar quality to me: insecurity. She's about the same height and build as Monica; petite, but a little less curvy. She's very attractive. Her light green eyes look similar to mine, and I stare intently into them before attempting to break the awkward eye contact. I can't keep myself from looking at her.

Monica leans over my bed to hug me lightly, "how are you feeling?"

"Uh better," I mumble, awkwardly staring around Monica to look at the blonde girl. Her face glows red as she realizes I'm looking at her.

Monica sits in the chair beside Nicol and the blonde girl sits uneasily beside her. It's only now that I realize how atrocious I must look. I haven't showered in four days and I've hardly left this bed. I could kill Monica right now for bringing this girl in here.

Monica adjusts the pillow under my left elbow, "Athrun, this is Sienna, she's new to our group."

"Hi," I say quickly, in possibly the most unnatural tone I've ever heard myself use. I'm grateful to have an excuse to rest my eyes upon her.

"Nice to meet you," she says timidly in a fairly high pitched voice.

"That's Shinn over there," Monica says, pointing in Shinn's direction. She hesitates for a moment, "you can meet Kira when he wakes up." Sienna shifts uncomfortably in her chair. Nicol smiles at her politely.

"So Athrun, I heard they tried to take you off the painkillers. How did that go?" She asks. If it were anyone other than Monica I would think she was mocking me.

"Not well. I was awake for less than an hour before Tieria had to go chase the nurse down," I laugh, trying to make it seem funny now that she's made me look weak in front of Sienna.

"You wimp," Nicol laughs.

"Oh shut up!" I snap jokingly, "You try pissing Shinn off while he has a beam saber in hand."

"Now why would I do that?" Nicol laughs.

Do these two take pleasure in embarrassing me? Or did they see the way I looked at Sienna. Either way I seem to be digging myself a deeper hole.

"I'm just kidding," Nicol says playfully.

That afternoon people seem to come and go, dropping by for random reasons. Tieria remains for most of the evening, nodding off every now and then, often with his forehead flat against the edge of my bed. I can't help but laugh. Around dinner time, Monica comes and insists that Tieria join her and Nicol for dinner. I feel like they're up to something, what with the whispering and all earlier, but I don't know. About half an hour later, Monica returns alone.

"Hey, you're back," I comment after seeing her return so soon.

"Yep, quick dinner," she comments, climbing onto the end of my bed and pulling a deck of cards out of her pocket. I quickly move to cross my legs and give her more space. She deals the cards out between us.

"Where's Tieria?" I ask, taking the pile of cards in front of me. He had said he'd be right back after dinner. It's strange; he's usually here during any free moment he might have.

"I told him I needed to talk to you privately," Monica says.

"Well we aren't going to get much privacy here," I laugh, trying to balance the cards in my useless left hand.

"I don't need to talk to you, I just figured he needed to relax and maybe get some sleep. I'm sure he'll be back later. You probably don't notice because you haven't seen hi m outside of this place in a while, but he's really tense down here. Nicol said he doesn't sleep much, spends most of the night tossing and turning. I think he's just worried."

"Well that was good of you."

"How are you feeling?" She asks, a worried expression on her face.

I hesitate for a second, "I'm ok." She looks at me as though she doesn't believe me. "Really, I'm alright," I insist, taking her hand in mine and lightly squeezing it to reassure her. "How are you?" I ask. I'm sure she must be feeling the pain too, especially with Kira in his current condition.

"I'm ok. Very busy, but ok." The look on her face and her tone of voice is as doubtful as mine.

"What's going on?" I ask, looking her directly in the eye.

"It's nothing. Just… things are changing, Athrun. I know you've been too preoccupied to notice, but they really are. This disagreement, this argument… it's only escalating. Soon it's going to become a full blown war. Travel is completely forbidden between the PLANTs and earth. It's only a matter of time, Athrun. What's going to happen when our training is done? We're going to be soldiers. We are going to experience this war first hand."

I drop my head. I know what she means; I've been blocking the same thoughts out of my mind for months.

"I'm sorry." Monica says quietly

"It's alright," I say, forcing a half smile. She's been here for me since we arrived here, now it's my turn to be strong for her.

"Try not to think about it too much right now. Enjoy your time here with all of us." It's all I can come up with right now. She too, forces a smile.

"So that girl you brought down here earlier…" I begin, a grin on my face.

"Sienna. She's a very sweet girl. Timid, but sweet."

"I noticed. I can't believe you let her see me like this though! I haven't showered in days!" I laugh.

"I guess I just talked about you and Kira so much, and I kept leaving her alone to come see you so she asked to meet you. I figured you would forgive me," she grins.

"I guess I could see my way to forgiving you," I laugh.

"I saw the way you were looking at her," Monica jokingly sneers.

I can feel my face reddening.

"Don't worry, she thought you were good looking," she grins.

"What? Really? She said that? Even though I'm as greasy as the cafeteria frying pans?" I can feel my heart pounding.

"Well I think the exact term she used was 'pretty,' but it all means the same thing right? She took an interest. That's good right?"

I smile and lean back against my pillows, completely ignoring the pain in my shoulder. The cards fall face up on the bed in front of me. I can feel my eyes closing and my face glowing, but I don't care. I can't stop thinking about her. Her hair, her eyes, just her presence. I let out a loud sigh.

"Wow Athrun, I've never seen you like this," Monica says, picking up all the cards and pulling them into a neat deck.

I clear my throat and attempt to regain my composure. "Sorry," I mumble, rubbing my sore shoulder and sitting back up.

Monica giggles, "It's alright. It's good to see you smile."

"I feel like everything has been about me lately. What about you? What have you been doing all this time? What about your studies? You're studying to be an intelligence expert right?"

Monica grins at me, "Yeah, but only for now. Someday I'd like to be a lieutenant and then maybe even a captain"

"That's great!" I say enthusiastically.

It's not too long before Nicol and Tieria return. They sit on either side of my bed and the four of us play cards and just talk. It's starting to feel like old times again. Monica even asked Shinn if he'd like to join us, be he just grunted and declined. Even though this was partially because of him, I can't help but feel sorry for him. He's been alone almost the entire time he's been here. Meyrin came to visit him once or twice but that was it. Poor guy, I know what it's like to feel alone. As we continue to play games and chat cheerfully, I catch Shinn's eye every now and then. He looks lonely, almost to the point of desperation. Shinn may put up a front to try to act tough, but underneath he is just as lonely, lost and confused as the rest of us. I do feel sorry for him.

At around 21:30 a nurse enters the room and informs my friends that visiting hours are over and that they are to leave. Monica hugs me and the others say their goodnights before all three leave. I'm envious that I can't simply return to the dorm as well.

I lean back against my pillows and watch as the nurse picks at the bandages around Shinn's forehead. As I hear him grumble and complain out of sheer irritation I can't help but laugh to myself. It's my turn next. She cleans out the wound on my hand as she did last night, and replaces the bandages, only a little lighter this time. She also takes the tape and bandages off my shoulder, leaving me with only the soft sling which in my opinion is much more comfortable. She puts the icepack on my shoulder again – not so comfortable – and leaves me for twenty minutes.

I pull the laptop that Tieria left me into my lap and begin mindlessly browsing the internet in attempt to cure my rapidly increasing boredom. Unfortunately when the nurse returns she takes it from me and despite my protests, places it out of my reach insisting that I need to rest. As if I can't rest with a laptop in front of me. Once the nurse leaves I pick up my cell phone and type a quick text to Monica thanking her for everything tonight. Dropping it back on the bedside table, I heave a deep sigh and contemplate what to do next. I'm sure the IV bag above my head is to put me to sleep soon.

The more I think, the more the horrors that seem to return to me each night threaten to overcome my mind. I think about Kira, wondering when he's going to awaken. I think about how great my friends are and how inadequate it makes me feel. I feel like I don't deserve them; I haven't done anything positive. After all, I'm the reason Kira is in his current state. I sob lightly, picking up my cell phone again. I flip through the scarcely visited image folder and pull up one of the first images. Kira and myself stare back at me from the small screen. The photo was taken at a ski hill only a year ago. We're clad in our heavy winter jackets, thick scarves and toques with our arms over each other's shoulders wearing grins as though there isn't a care in the world. I feel a tear fall down my cheek. If Kira does wake up, will he ever be able to do stuff like this again? Will he be vegetable? Confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life? I'm not sure if I could live with myself if that were the case. I shake my head, causing my headache to return, and slowly and carefully slide off my bed. My ankle seems to support me a little better than last night as I move slowly and sobbing to Kira's side.

I stare down in the dim light at my best friends bruised and bandaged face and let the tears flow freely down my face. "Wake up Kira. Please." I whisper.

I hear a slight cry and quickly look up to see if my friend is awake. Nothing. I then realize it's coming from Shinn's corner of the room. I turn around to see Shinn squirm around the curtain into Kira's cubicle. He's wearing a button up hospital shirt not unlike my own, and he cradles his right forearm which is encased in a plaster cast. He wears a pained expression on his face until he sets his eyes on Kira. His garnet eyes grow wide in concern as he slumps into the chair beside me. I notice a small pink cell phone clasped in his left hand. I brush the tears from my eyes and stop sobbing.

"It's awful isn't it?" Shinn says softly.

"Yes," I reply, hanging my head, "and it's my fault."

"What?" Shinn asks, looking at me, "You can't be blaming yourself for this. I'm the one who shot him down. If anyone is responsible it's me." It angers me to hear almost no trace of remorse in his voice.

"Look," he begins in an unexpectedly composed tone, "we're learning to fight in these giant machines; these killing machines. We're being taught to take lives in order to protect ourselves and our nation. Accidents are bound to happen. No matter how talented a pilot is, he's not invincible. We all knew that there was a chance of dying the day we enlisted. Guilt, grief, any emotion at all is only going to increase your odds of being killed."

I'm both shocked in appalled by what I've just heard. For one, I never believed that Shinn could be so full of… wisdom – if you could even call it that. I've never seen any side of Shinn other than his rage and anger. On the other hand, I can't deny that what Shinn is saying is true. But I've never thought of it from that perspective before. Maybe he's more mature than I thought. I don't know what to say. After a few seconds, I speak.

"Shinn, I'm sorry about what happened with Lunamaria, I know she meant a lot to you." It doesn't feel like enough, but I had to say something.

"Forget about it," Shinn says quickly, "Let's put it behind us. You've heard what they said. The commander, Tieria, Rey and the others. If we're going to learn to work together, fight together, we can't have things like this between us. You know he's going to say the exact same thing when he wakes up," he says, nodding toward Kira's motionless body. "I don't have to like you, but I need to be able to trust you. Can I trust you?" He asks, looking seriously at me for probably the first time.

"Even if I say yes how would you be able to believe me?" I ask, turning my head away from him to look down at Kira.

"Call me naïve, but if you can look me in the eye and tell me I can trust you, I will." He continues to look at me.

I turn back to him, looking into his red eyes searching for something other than rage and hatred. I can't help but remember the day he saved my life. "You can trust me."

"Ok," he says in a lighter tone. He looks away from me, "In a way I'm kind of glad you did that with Luna. If you hadn't I never would have seen her for what she really was. I just can't believe it took me two tries to get it right."

What he says makes me feel awkward. I know that what I did is in no way a good thing.

Shinn remains quiet for a moment.

"Any word on his condition?" Shinn asks quietly.

"No, nothing new," I mutter regretfully. "What about you? How are you?"

"I'm ok," he sighs, "You?"

I nod in agreement.

"I hear your hand is pretty messed up," Shinn comments.

I hold my left hand in my right, "Yeah, something about decondensed tendons or something. I might lose some mobility but it's not too serious." I had initially been horrified at the prospect of losing complete control over my hand, but now as I gaze upon the unconscious body of my best friend, it seems insignificant in comparison.

We both remain silent for a few moments. I glance down at the phone in Shinn's left hand. Whose is it? It can't be his. Unless he has a pink phone.

"It was my sister's," Shin says, noticing my curiosity. He hands the phone to me. As I take hold of it, I realize it's the same as mine only a different colour.

"It's all I have left of her; of any of them," Shinn says sadly. He sounds as though he might cry. I wouldn't blame him.

"Does it still work?" I ask stupidly, unsure of what else to say.

"It's still in service. I couldn't bring myself to cancel it. But it's dead and they don't make a charger or battery for it anymore. I've look everywhere. It's better than nothing though."

A light bulb flashes in my head. "Wait a sec." I stand up and limp around the curtain, picking up my own phone and returning to the chair. The medications are wearing off and I can feel the livid pain in my foot and throughout my shoulder. I do what I can to ignore it. Sitting down, I struggle with the back of the phone until I successfully manage to remove the battery. I hand it to Shinn.

"You don't have to –"

"Just see if it works," I cut him off.

I watch as he loads the battery into the phone. He nervously presses the power button, and after a few doubtful seconds, the screen lights up. Shinn releases an excited gasp. I smile.

Shinn's smiling eyes fill with tears as he browses through the photos of the young girl. She is very pretty; her eyes remind me of a happier Shinn. I watch as he plays a short video clip of the two of them laughing, throwing snowballs at each other. He sniffles and wipes his nose on his sleeve.

Finally, after several minutes he closes the phone, but continues to stare down at the floor. "Thank you," he says softly. He begins struggling with the battery, but I place a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Keep it for now. I have a charger you can have for the phone."

"Thank you," he says again.

We are interrupted when a nurse enters the room. She begins freaking out, turning on the lights and scolding us for being out of bed.

"You two! Back in bed! This is twice now Mr. Zala! You will never recover if you don't rest and stay still!" She scolds, ushering me back into bed.

I do as I'm told, but once again, I smile as I fall asleep.

Despite the nurses threats, Shinn and I sit by Kira's bed for the next several nights. Over a week passes by and nothing changes. No word on Kira's condition. I can't help but fear that he'll never wake up.

* * *

**A/N: Again, I'm sorry this took so long. I don't really have a whole lot to say other than I'm sorry if it depressed you at all. I feel like I'm losing motivation for this story... but I definitely still intend to finish it since most of it is already written. Drop me a review and let me know what you thought!**


	24. Chapter 24: Only Human

**Second post within a week! AND its a super long one. Does that make up for the lack of activity in the last month? I think so! Anyway, enjoy this wondrously long chapter!**

* * *

Things are beginning to feel less and less hopeful here in the infirmary. It's been ten days since the accident and Kira still hasn't showed any signs of consciousness. On the bright side, his injuries seem to be healing. On the down side, mine have been doing just the opposite. My shoulder feels like it's getting worse. I suppose that could be because I continue to disobey the nurse's orders by getting out of bed each night when they're not looking. I've been outfitted with a figure 8 brace that straps around both of my shoulders, connecting between my shoulder blades and keeping my posture straight.

"At least if you're sneaking out of bed your clavicle will be still," the nurse insists.

"So can I leave then?" I ask; an obvious hint of annoyance in my voice.

"No Mr. Zala! Give yourself time to heal! You're only going to be stuck here longer if you don't."

I can tell the nurses are becoming horribly annoyed with me. But I'm utterly bitter and frustrated. The brace is painful, irritating and not to mention extremely inconvenient as it restricts my use of my right arm as well. I've been here far too long in my opinion. Shinn too seems to be growing antsy. I thought I overheard the nurse mention that his broken ribs weren't healing all that well either. Again though, I guess we only have ourselves to blame.

Tieria has since returned to class, but he's still down here as often as he can be. Nicol has been studying for his pilot license test again, and Monica has been studying for an exam as well. Nicol doesn't come around too often anymore, and when Monica is here she usually has her head buried in a textbook. I know it's the thought that counts, but I think it frustrates me even more having her here and being unable to socialize properly with her. I'm already socially awkward; what's going to happen to me if I don't speak with anyone for more than two weeks? More than anything, I just want to be out of here.

It's still early in the morning, only about 10:30 and I've completely exhausted everything I could think of to do. I've been on the computer for just over an hour and I'm totally bored of it. I might try to watch a movie on it later, but now I don't feel like staring at the screen anymore. I lie back against my unnecessarily large pile of pillows and close my eyes. Maybe I'll try to sleep. I close my eyes, but my mind doesn't slow at all. I guess it's because I slept for over eleven hours last night. The lights are too bright and my stomach is aching because I haven't eaten in some time. I've definitely lost weight since all I've been eating since I woke up is soup.

After a few more minutes I decide to give into the fact that I'm completely unable to sleep. I just don't know how to entertain myself. After ten days I've exhausted all my resources. As a last ditch effort, I pull myself into a sitting position, cross my legs and pick up the pack of cards from my bedside table to begin the long and grueling task of setting up a solitaire game for myself. I always hated this game and it's never been anything but frustrating. Hopefully however, it will be less frustrating than the unrelenting boredom I face otherwise.

Just as I'm about to give up and throw the cards to the floor, the door opens. In walks the last person I would have expected to see: Sienna. She slowly steps through the small crack in the door and closes it behind her. Awestruck, I drop my card into my lap.

"Wow. I never expected to see you down here. Alone I mean. I never expected you to come alone." I can feel my face heating up. I'm ecstatic that she's here, but I didn't expect her and I have had no time to mentally prepare. "It was Sienna, right?" I ask, noticing that she looks just as nervous as I feel. Someone has to take the upper hand.

"Yeah," she says softly. "I had a free block and I was alone in the common room. Monica has suggested a few times that I come see you."

"That was nice of her. She must realize that I'm going crazy down here since she and the other's started visiting less frequently," I say in a lightly sarcastic tone.

"She has been studying a lot lately," Sienna says sadly in Monica's defense.

"I was only kidding. She's been here quite a bit actually."

"You two are pretty close aren't you?" She asks in an almost disappointed tone.

Could she be sounding disappointed because she's interested? "Well we aren't close in the way you might think. She's more of a sister to me than anything. She, Kira and I have been friends since we were kids."

"I see. How is your friend, Kira anyway?"

I feel my mood skyrocket downwards. She definitely hit a nerve on that one. "He's doing ok. He's recovering, but he hasn't woken up yet." I stare down into my lap as I speak.

Sienna is silent for a moment before reaching out in front of me to pick up my stray card. "You know, a coma is the brain's way of healing the body. Especially with spinal cord injuries. Without much else to worry about, the brain can focus on recovering the injury. I'm sure he will wake up soon." She smiles at me, placing the card correctly on top of another, reinstating my game I had thought to have been lost.

I look up at her curiously; I hadn't expected that. She's just full of surprises today. "How did you know –"

"I've taken my share of nursing courses," she smiles.

"Interesting," I mumble incoherently.

"And what about you? How are you feeling?" She asks, more than a hint of concern laced in her words.

I look into her hopeful green eyes. "I'm doing alright actually. My body is taking its sweet time to heal, but I'm ok." This is one of the first times I've uttered those words and almost believed them. There is something optimistic about this girl, although I can't quite put my finger on it.

"Painkillers have been known to affect the rate at which regenerative treatment heals the body. On the other hand, the regenerative drugs have been known to affect the levels of dopamine in the brain."

I stare at her, completely dumbfounded by her intelligence and the fact that I have no idea what she is getting at.

She giggles slightly. "Dopamine is what makes you happy! It's provided usually by exercise and often even sunlight – both of which you have been deprived of."

"Very much so. I understand what you mean though. But I'm not sure if it's the dopamine levels." Here I go again, rambling off about my emotions to a complete stranger. "I guess I can't help feeling like this entire thing is my fault. I'm sorry; you probably don't want to hear it. It's a long story after all. I don't really want to get into it anyway. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. If you feel the need to talk though, I'm a good listener. Perhaps I can leave you my cell phone number?" She nods in the direction of my phone.

"Unfortunately it doesn't have a battery right now," I say, silently cursing myself for giving Shinn my cell phone battery.

"I understand. Maybe I will come visit you again then. I should get off to class now, Mr. Zala." She says, standing to leave.

"Please, it's Athrun," I insist.

"I hope you feel better, Athrun."

"Thank you for coming!" I lunge forward, hoping that she hears me as she leaves the room. She's gone. I hope I didn't give off the wrong vibe. Did she think I was rejecting her in saying that my phone had no battery? Oh God I hope I haven't scared her away. I haven't felt like that since…. I can't remember. I mentally kick myself.

The door reopens and I jump up, hoping she's come back.

I honestly don't think I've ever been so disappointed to see Tieria. But maybe that's why she left, because she knew Tieria was coming. Or maybe because she didn't want anyone to realize she was down here.

"Excited to see me?" Tieria laughs as I sink back into my pillows.

"Sure," I mumble disappointedly.

"Was that the new girl I just saw leaving your room?" He asks in disbelief.

"Yeah," I say, a look of astonishment crossing Tieria's face. "I know; I'm as surprised as you are."

"How come she ran off?"

"I don't know. Did she look… upset?"

"Why? Did you do something to upset her?" He asks with a slight grin forming.

"I hope not!" I say desperately.

"I'm kidding. She actually looked rather happy."

I heave a sigh of relief. "Thank God!" I resume a normal tone. "How was class?"

"Boring," Tieria replies.

"Consider yourself lucky. I'd rather listen to the short old man blabber on about nothing than be stuck here. This place is making me crazy!"

"And apparently giving you bad posture?" Tieria teases about the brace.

* * *

That evening Tieria returns wearing an expression that screams business. He sits down and attempts to pretend that nothing is on his mind.

"What has gotten into you? You look like you're off to save the world," I laugh.

"Not quite the world," he mumbles slowly. At that instant a nurse enters the room to check up on us. She replaces Shinn's IV bag and once she is satisfied that I'm not moving; she leaves. Tieria is completely silent for the next few seconds, and then he quickly stands up and grabs my hoodie off the hook beside my bed.

"Come on let's go," he demands, holding out my hoodie and waiting for me to get up.

"What?"

"We're going for a walk. Hurry up."

"Huh?" I question again, but quickly climb out of bed and pull the hoodie around my body. Tieria pulls my shoes out from under the bed and quickly leads me from the room. "What's going on?" I question as he leads me past the main office and out the front door.

"I'm tired of listening to you whine. That and I figured I owed you a trip out of here," he says lightly, obviously referring to the time when I bailed him out of the infirmary while we were aboard the Vertier.

I follow him to the edge of the grass where he throws a blanket down on the grass and gestures for me to sit down. Before uttering a word, he picks up his phone pokes away at his keyboard leading me to believe that he's texting someone. But who? I didn't know Tieria really talked to anyone else. Maybe Nicol?

"How are you feeling?" He asks, laying back on the blanket and resting his hands behind his head.

"Better," I say honestly, hugging my left arm close to my body, "the fresh air is nice." In all honesty, outside feels foreign to me.

"How's walking on your ankle?" He asks.

"Fine actually. I can't feel it at all." It's true, it's like it completely healed.

"That's because there never was much wrong with it. I think it was a hairline fracture or a bruise or something. They just played it up to keep you from getting out of bed," Tieria laughs.

"Are you serious?"

"Mhm."

"Great. I love being lied to," I comment quietly.

"Tieria, I think that room is making me go crazy," I say, my eyes fixed on one spot on the grass as my right hand massages the back of my neck. The tension from the sling is making it sore.

"How do you mean?" He asks, lifting his head slightly to look at me. He raises his hand to his forehead to block the sun out of his eyes.

"I just don't know how much longer I can sit in that room and wait for Kira to wake up. I just feel like the longer I sit there, the more time passes by, and it just seems less and less likely that he'll wake up. It's like I'm waiting for him to die. Like I-" I can feel my voice trembling. "It's like I'm staring at my best friend's dead body. I just don't think I can do it anymore!" On the verge of tears, I hang my head and cover my eyes with my hand.

Suddenly Tieria slaps me swiftly across the face.

"Snap out of it Athrun! He's not dead and he's not dying! Don't give up on him so easily; his friends are all he has! Do you mean to leave him alone, fighting for his life while you completely gives up on him?" Tieria says to me, almost yelling.

I can't hold back the tears any longer and they spill down my cheeks. "It's just so hard to see him like that," I sob pathetically.

"How do you think I felt? I sat in that room for three days while you were both unconscious, praying that you would wake up. Athrun," he says firmly but desperately, "you know my past. Everyone I've ever been close to has been taken away from me. How do you think I felt – in the same situation but with both of you – the only two people I have in this world?" His words are frantic, and his voice finally cracks, "but I never gave up on you."

I stare at him, absolutely stunned, as he looks away. He seems surprised by what he's just said. His face is so tense, not to mention the dark circles that I've become accustomed to seeing. He shakes his head and pulls a box of cigarettes out of his pocket.

I'm completely silent for a second, staring almost awestruck at him. He's right. I've become so absorbed in my own feelings yet again, that I've lost track of what's important. My thoughts have become completely irrational.

"I won't give up on him," I whisper quietly. The tears have stopped coming, but they still stain my face as I attempt to brush them away with my good arm.

"Good," Tieria mutters, a weak smile forcing its way across his face.

"Hey," Tieria says, looking up and behind me. I painfully twist my body around to see Monica approaching.

"I can't believe you actually brought him out here," Monica says, sitting down beside me.

"He's fine," Tieria protests, finally pulling a cigarette out of the box.

"Hi Monica," I mumble, watching intently as Tieria lights the end of the cigarette. I know I was always told as a kid that smoking is bad, and I always believed it, but for some reason, it just looks cool on Tieria.

"How are you?" Monica asks, tilting her head to the side to look me straight in the eye. Not that I can successfully lie to her anyway, but I know she'll see right through me if I try at the moment.

"I'm ok. How did you know we were out here?"

She looks over at Tieria. "Your captor messaged me. Not a very good kidnapping strategy if you ask me," she laughs. "Tieria you shouldn't smoke around Athrun, he isn't in the best of health right now; not that it's ever a good idea."

"Yeah Tieria, you shouldn't smoke around me," I jokingly whine.

Tieria heaves a sigh, "fine." He digs the end of the cigarette into the ground and then puts it back in his pocket. "Everyone happy?"

Monica and I exchange guilty smiles; we burst out laughing.

Tieria pushes his glasses up his nose and lies back down.

"Look, the sun is setting," Monica comments, pointing off in the distance to where a great fiery orb is preparing do dive beneath the horizon.

We're completely silent as we watch the sun dip beneath the trees. I rest my head on Monica's shoulder and watch the greatly missed sight of the sun. I think about what Tieria said. He's right. I can't give up on Kira. He's been there for me through so much; I owe it to him not just because of that, but I owe it to him as his best friend. I can finally do something for him.

Soon after the sun sets, I return to infirmary to watch over Kira.

* * *

Friday morning rolls around marking the two week point since the accident. Other than my latest trip outside with Tieria and Monica I've scarcely left this room in the last fortnight. I haven't been quite so reluctant to stay though; I'd rather not leave Kira alone. As if mocking me, a nurse enters the room and clears her throat to get my attention

"Mr. Zala," she begins, causing me to cringe at the name, "After reviewing your latest examination results and X-rays, I've decided to permit you to return home for this weekend. Mr. Erde and Miss Blaise have agreed to accompany you and keep an eye on your condition. Although your activities must be limited, I think it would be beneficial for your mental well being to get out of this room for a while."

"Wha?" I'm completely caught off guard, "but… Kira…" is all I manage to say. I don't want to leave him.

"You have a phone, correct? We will contact you if there are any changes to Mr. Yamato's condition," she says, then looks up at me, "and this _isn't_ an offer."

With no other option, I hesitantly agree.

Before leaving that evening I regrettably request my cell phone battery back from Shinn. He seems to have no problem giving it up since he heard what the nurses had said. As we leave the room, I feel guilty about leaving Kira and even Shinn. I noticed a look of longing in Shinn's eyes when the nurse had initially told me that I'd be going. I know Shinn is in better condition than I am, but he has no place to go home to. I wonder where he went before; Luna's? Or maybe Rey's? Or maybe he just stayed behind. Regardless, I'm tempted to ask if Shinn could come with us, but then Tieria and Monica would have to babysit both of us, and I'm not sure if the other two are on good terms with him. I don't even know if I'm on good terms with him.

We board the empty shuttle bus just as its getting dark out. The ride into town feels especially long. I lean against the window and stare outside worrying about Kira. Monica and Tieria sit in the row behind me, quietly talking. I'm glad that Tieria is finally speaking to someone else, and a girl no less, but I know it's only because of me.

As we approach our destination we find that the city is covered in a light blanket of snow. Although slightly inconvenient, it's beautiful and peaceful; it puts my mind at ease as we slowly make our way to me apartment. I find myself deep in thought as we ascend in the elevator; Tieria is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. Monica too has her arms crossed, but she's staring at me intently as I try to avoid her worried glance. The two thankfully remain silent until we reach the top. Upon arriving at my door, I struggle to find my key but when I finally find it, I see that Tieria has already unlocked and opened the door with his own. I smile thankfully at him as he holds the door open for me. I'm grateful that they were willing to come with me, but I hate feeling useless and like I need to be taken care of. Not that it's been anything but that for the last two weeks, but at least then it was nurses whose _job_ it was to take care of me.

I walk straight to the window sill and sit and watch the snow fall. It's surprisingly comforting to watch. It doesn't snow often in the PLANTs; I find my spirits high.

"How are you doing?" Tieria asks in a concerned tone, speaking for the first time since we entered the building.

"I'm alright," I say in a serious tone, pulling my jacket off my shoulders and throwing it to the floor. "But could you do me a favor?"

"Hm?" He questions as Monica picks up my jacket and begins folding it over a hanger.

"Get this god forsaken thing off of me!" I yell, referring to the brace that continues to ruthlessly wrench my shoulders back in an agonizing position. The stupid thing is designed so that it can only be adjusted or removed from the back where it rests between the shoulder blades. In my opinion, it must be like that so the wearer can't take it off when it starts to drive them crazy.

"Athrun," Monica says apologetically, hanging Tieria's jacket now in the closet.

"You know I can't," Tieria says chuckling.

"What you think this is funny?" I say, laughing a little to hide my disappointment.

I walk out onto the balcony and stand amongst the falling snow, my feet quickly growing colder in my now drenched socks. It's cold out, but there is no wind; it's completely calm. I let the snow fall over me.

Being here doesn't seem right for so many reasons. When you're sick or injured, you should be at home in the care of your parents. I miss being at home. I miss my mom fussing over me whenever I got hurt. I always hated being babied, but knowing that it'll never happen again, I miss it. As much as I've tried to accept that this place is now my home, it still feels so foreign to me. It feels lonely no matter how many people are here with me. I wish I could go back in time to when I was a young, naïve child. I was happy living at home with my parents and even though deep down I knew my relationship with my father wasn't strong, it felt better than this. At least then I didn't feel so lost. I didn't have to worry about my future and what's going to happen tomorrow. Life was my paradise back then. Who would have thought I'd turn into the dysfunctional teenager I am today. In reality though, it's my own fault that I'm here. I know it's ridiculous to think I'm responsible for my mother's death and my father's abandonment, but I just feel like maybe if I had made different choices in life, I'd be in a better place right now. I took so many steps being so uncertain and now here I am only steps away from the front lines of the biggest battle our world has ever seen. How did I end up here? I know it's a cliché, but it seems like only yesterday I was attending the Lunar prep school with Kira, my parents waiting at home and my biggest worry in life was regarding which girl I would embarrass myself in front of next – not that that isn't still a concern.

Then there's the other reason that being here doesn't feel right. My best friend is lying unconscious in a hospital bed because of my actions. He should be here right now with us – with his family enjoying the precious time we have together before we're sent off on different teams into a battle that none of us may come out of alive. That is, if Kira comes out of _this_ ordeal alive.

I feel a tear I wasn't even aware of fall down my cheek. I've pondered and dreaded the idea of Kira never waking up, but what if that becomes reality? What will I do if he never wakes up? Will I be able to live a normal life knowing that I was the reason for my best friend, the one person who's unconditionally stood by me my entire life's death? I can't imagine what life would be like without him. I know I have other friends, amazing ones at that, but I would feel so empty and so alone if he didn't make it through this. I'm so uncertain about everything pertaining to life and I depend on him to help me get through things. Hell, I can hardly carry a conversation without him.

If only I were at home. Even if it was only with the person I continue to deny is my father. Why did he sell our house? Why did he force me to live on my own? Why doesn't he want me? What did I do that was so wrong?

"Athrun?"

Slightly startled, I turn to find Lacus standing in the doorway, her left hand perched against the sliding glass door and a concerned expression gracing her pale features. The colour of the snow surrounding us makes her look even paler than usual. Her glance changes to one of further concern as she realizes that I'm crying. Remembering it myself, I quickly wipe my eyes with the back of my sleeve.

"What's wrong?" She asks, moving toward me and placing her hand on my good shoulder.

"It's nothing. Just the same old," I mutter honestly.

She wraps her arm around my lower back and leans into my right side, "everything is going to be ok Athrun. Now isn't the time to worry."

Sluggishly, I pick up my right arm and wrap it around her shoulders, tightening my hand around her arm for a brief second in a comforting way. My limbs feel heavier than usual. Maybe it's just the medication wearing off.

"Monica, your phone is ringing," Tieria calls from inside, "it's your dad."

"One sec," she says to me, pulling away and quickly hopping back inside. "Thanks," I hear her say to Tieria.

I lean over the railing again and stare out into the lit up city. Suddenly I hear a click and I feel my shoulders fall into a natural position. Caught off guard, I turn to face Tieria standing behind me with the brace in his hand.

He grins at me, "just take it easy ok?"

I nod, smiling.

"It's good to see the life back in your eyes. I was worried that the infirmary had permanently dehumanized you."

I allow my shoulders to hang and my arm relaxes into the sling causing a bit more pressure around my neck. It hurts a little but it feels much better than the constant ache from the brace.

"Don't tell the nurse, ok? Monica can yell at me rather than you," he laughs.

"You got it. Thanks," I say gratefully, stretching out the stiff joints in my right shoulder.

Tieria leans on the snow covered railing beside me, "I still can't get over how peaceful this city is."

"Yeah, it's beautiful," I add. The thought racing through both our heads is that the city is quiet compared to the war zone that impatiently knocks at our door. I shake my head in order to prevent my recent thoughts from resurfacing.

"Hey are you guys hungry?" Monica asks, poking her head out the door once more.

"Kind of," I mumble.

"I could eat," Tieria says.

"There isn't really much in the way of food here though," I add, realizing I haven't been here in weeks and I haven't shopped in even longer

"Should we go to the… food store?" Tieria asks awkwardly.

I stare at him in disbelief, "you mean the grocery store?"

Tieria turns beet red and Monica holds back a giggle. I bluntly laugh at him.

"Whatever!" he yells.

"There's one across the street," I say informatively.

"There's one across the street? Yet you always insist on going to the one across town?" Tieria asks.

"I like the drive," I shoot back.

"Maybe just you and I should go Tieria, Athrun should take it easy," Monica says to Tieria.

"Maybe one of us should stay with him," Tieria adds.

"I want to go. I'm tired of being cooped up. I need fresh air," I plead, knowing that if Monica doesn't think it's a good idea, it could take a lot of begging to persuade her.

Monica eyes me carefully.

"Really, I feel fine," I insist. It might not be totally true, but I do feel better than I have in days just being out of the infirmary.

"Fine," she says, "but put a coat on, the nurse will freak out if you come back with a cold."

I grin at her. She's acting very motherly in a strange and overprotective way. It's nice to know she cares though.

"Deal," I say grinning. I wonder if she's noticed that I'm not wearing the brace. Tieria's been holding it behind his back the entire time. As we head back into the warm apartment, I suppress a laugh as he throws it into the corner of the room when she's turned away.

"I'm going to get changed," Monica says, picking up her bag and heading for the bathroom.

"Sure," I say, heading for the closet to hold up my end of the bargain. Yanking my jacket off the hanger, I slide my right arm through and manage to pull it around my other shoulder. Now the fun part; the zipper.

"Need some help there?" Tieria asks, laughing slightly.

"No! I got it!" I almost yell as I hopelessly fight and fail with the zipper.

"Yeah ok, let me know when get it," Tieria laughs, picking up the remote for the TV and sliding onto the couch.

"Fine!" I say, admitting defeat. Red-faced, I turn my head away as Tieria zips up my jacket. I feel like a child. This is ridiculous. I hate more than anything feeling like I can't do things for myself. I hate being useless. "Thanks Mom," I joke, unable to bring myself to thank him seriously.

"No that's Monica," Tieria laughs.

"What about me?" Monica asks as she exits the bathroom. She's dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a hoodless sweatshirt. Her long black hair falls over her shoulders in a very feminine way. I'm so used to seeing her in her sloppy sweatpants and training clothing with her hair tied back. I forgot how pretty she could be.

"Nothing," I laugh, "let's go."

We descend in the elevator and head outside into the quiet, snow covered street as the flakes continue to fall weightlessly from above us. Despite the peace and tranquility of the normally busy street, I find myself glancing around nervously, often checking my back. The last time I left my apartment at night I got jumped by a group of guys from the academy. I would in no way be able to properly defend myself at my current fighting strength if something like that happened now. Monica would be easily overrun and although Tieria is stronger than he looks, he wouldn't pose much of an initial threat. He'd probably be assumed to be a girl upon first glance. Come to think of it, I was injured at that time too…

I nearly jump out of my skin as a kid on skateboard whizzes past us. Come to think of it, the kid doesn't look much younger than me. Carefree, without burden; the way a sixteen year old should be living his life. I can't even imagine it anymore.

"Are you ok? You're kind of edgy tonight. What's up?" Tieria asks from beside me, his hands buried deep in his pockets. We approach the crosswalk and I glance nervously all around me rather than just left and right like a normal person would do while crossing the street.

"What? Nothing. It's fine," I say absentmindedly. I try to sound relaxed but I'm sure he can see right through the lie. My shoulder is aching now, probably because my body is so tense. "I'll tell you later," I mumble quietly to him, hoping that Monica won't hear. Hopefully this will keep him from pressing the issues throughout our shopping trip. I've never told him or Monica about the encounter with the four Greens.

We finally reach the door and my body starts to relax. I wince, hugging my shoulder as I climb up the stairs.

"Are you sure you're ok?" Tieria asks, holding the door open for me as we enter the store.

Monica, who has until now been off in her own world jumps in, "What's wrong Athrun?"

I do my best to untwist my agonized face – I'm becoming quite good at this. "I'm fine. It's just a bit sore."

"Your medication is back at the apartment. Can you hold on until then or do you want me to run and grab it now?" Monica asks. "And why aren't you wearing that shoulder brace?" She finally noticed.

"Uhhh… it became too painful," I say in an almost questioning manner as if to see if the answer is acceptable by her.

She glares at Tieria, "you shouldn't have done that," she scolds him.

"Relax, I'm not moving it and I'm ok. Once we get back I'll sit down and not move," I say, desperately hoping she won't force me to put it back on when we return.

She sighs heavily, "fine. But let's hurry this up so we can get back and you can rest. I'm going to get some vegetables. You guys find something for dinner."

"Right," Tieria says.

"As if two weeks of resting wasn't enough…" I say quietly as she walks away.

Tieria laughs and heads in the opposite direction. I follow while Monica hurries to the produce department. I finally crack a smile.

"So, what's for dinner?" Tieria asks.

"Doesn't matter to me, you two are cooking so it's your call!"

"Making the guests cook are you?"

"Hey, you're the one who volunteered to babysit me all weekend. You knew what you were getting yourselves into," I laugh.

"Well excuse me if I opted to get you out of there for a few days. I figured you could use a vacation. That room was getting to your head."

"I know, and thank you. Do you wanna just get something from the frozen section? Make things easier." I suggest.

"I'm down," Tieria says awkwardly.

I laugh out loud. Tieria never speaks in slang; he's too highly educated. It just sounds weird coming from him. I'm about to comment, but I bite my tongue and think better of it. We all pick on him a lot; he takes it well but I decide I should lay off at least for now. After all, he's the reason I'm not stuck in that dungeon of a hospital room like a prisoner right now.

"Let's get some junk food; I've been living on soup for the last two weeks," I say, glancing around, "I never want to see a bowl of soup again," I mutter as we walk around the corner.

"Hey look!" Tieria exclaims, "Soup!" He points to a mountain of canned soup in all different flavors. "You said dinner was my cho –"

"Come on," I say, grabbing Tieria's arm and dragging him away from the mountain of soup.

I load up the basket with different kinds of pop and chips and various types of candy. I've never had such a craving for junk food.

Although Monica disagrees with my purchases, I finally convince her to letting me buy it. I pay for all of it, saying it's my way of thanking them for getting me out of the infirmary. Finally we head back to the apartment and I'm no less nervous on the way back than on the way out. Every noise makes me jump. I can see Tieria watching me out of the corner of his eye. I suppose I'll tell him later.

The first thing I do as we enter the apartment is pour myself a tall glass of pop.

"You know you're not supposed have caffeine," Tieria comments.

"Don't care," I say, taking a deep breath before downing the rest of the glass, "and, you're one to talk. Wasn't it you that said it was never proven to interfere with regenerative drugs?" I recall the several times I told him not to drink coffee while he was undergoing regenerative therapy. I pour myself another glass.

"I need coffee," Tieria says, retrieving his only item from the shopping bag before turning on the coffee pot. I simply laugh at him.

After my third glass of Coke, I slam the cup down on the counter and take a deep breath. "Ahhhh, now that was good."

Monica walks out of the bathroom and lifts her eyebrows at me. She's now dressed in her pink striped pajama pants and a loose t-shirt with her hair neatly braided from the top of her head. Again, she looks very pretty.

"Now where are those meds?" I ask, completely hyped up on caffeine and sugar.

"Not that you need them now, but they're in the bedroom," Tieria says, a surprised expression on his face.

I nod to him and grab the bag from the dresser and plop them down in front of him. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be taking. Tieria pulls a certain number of pills from each bottle and hands them to me.

"What's with the needles?" I ask, noticing two large, not to mention terrifying looking syringes in the bottom of the bag.

"You don't wanna know. Now get out so I can get changed," he says, almost pushing me out of the room.

"Fine fine," I laugh hesitantly, leaving the room. I head for my own bedroom and carefully sink onto the bed, holding my left arm at its proper angle. Despite the caffeine pulsing through my body, I feel exhausted. All of that doing nothing for two weeks has sure worn me out. Feeling as though I might fall asleep if I don't get up, I pull myself off the bed and dig in my drawer for a pair of pajama pants.

Approximately three minutes later I leave the bedroom, utterly frustrated with trying to dress myself with one hand.

"You alright?" Monica asks from the kitchen, obviously noticing my distressed expression.

"Yeah, but I never knew dressing yourself could be so difficult," I say in an attempted upbeat tone.

Tieria laughs to himself from his stool at the kitchen counter.

"Shut up!"

"Hey I've been there too, remember?" He laughs.

"I could have helped you," Monica says sincerely.

I feel my face turn red. Even though it's Monica, I still can't fathom the idea of my friend dressing me.

"It gets easier with practice," Tieria says, still laughing.

"Great," I mutter hopelessly to myself.

"Are you hungry yet, Athrun?" Monica asks gently.

I've honestly been too preoccupied to even consider it, but now that I think about it, yeah, I am hungry. It only makes sense seeing as how I haven't eaten a solid meal in over two weeks. "Yeah, I am. How about you?" I try to sound considerate. I feel guilty that she's been so kind and helpful to me in the last couple weeks, yet I've been so self absorbed that I've hardly paid attention to her needs.

She smiles at me, "yeah, I'm getting pretty hungry too."

"Everything ok there Tieria?" Monica asks. He's standing in the middle of the kitchen with the frozen pizza box turned upside down in his hands, staring at it intently with a confused look on his face.

"Huh?" He looks up from the box at her. She grins back at him.

"Do you need help?"

His face glows red.

"Tieria, have you never made pizza before?" I asks, puling myself onto a stool next to the kitchen counter.

"Maybe…" He mutters inconspicuously.

"Wait a second… have you ever _eaten_ pizza before?" I recall that he had never eaten fast food before we introduced him to it.

His face turns an even darker shade of red.

Monica covers her mouth to suppress a girly giggle.

"You are so deprived," I say calmly, shaking my head whilst trying to hold back my own laughter.

Monica takes the box out of his hand and tears it open before turning on the oven.

"I could have figured it out," he protests.

"I bought a bunch of vegetables, do you wanna make those?" Monica asks cautiously, obviously not trying to sound too demanding.

"Sure, how do you want them done?" Tieria asks.

"However you want," she replies, pulling a pan out of the cupboard. "I can't believe you guys chose pizza," she laughs.

"Can I help with something?" I ask, hopping down off the chair.

"No!" They both say in a louder than necessary tone. I jump backwards almost as if their words winded me. Defeated, I sit back up on the stool, lazily slumping my right elbow atop the supportive back rest and resting my chin in the palm of my hand.

I watch almost jealously as Tieria and Monica chop vegetables, wishing I could help. I feel useless.

I continue to sulk as Monica and Tieria prepare a delicious smelling meal, and I'm almost drooling by the time it's on the table in front of me. Then again, I think tree bark would be appetizing after the amount of stale, watered down soup I've been eating. It's like they didn't have enough to go around so they added twice the amount of water required. I snicker to myself at my cleaver notion.

"It's so typical of you, Athrun," Monica begins as I'm about to take a bite of my pizza.

"Huh?" I say, forcing myself to speak before shoving the food in my mouth.

"I ask you to pick something for dinner and you choose pizza," she laughs.

"What's wrong – with pizza?" I mumble through a mouthful of food, taking another bite in mid sentence.

"Never mind, just chew before you speak," she says, slightly disgusted.

Tieria laughs.

"Sorry," I mutter, my mouth still filled with food.

"What do you think of the pizza, Tieria?" She asks, intentionally turning away from me.

"I haven't tried it yet," Tieria replies, careful not to speak with his mouth full.

"Try it!" I say, my mouth finally empty.

"Ok," Tieria says hesitantly, cutting a piece of the pizza with his knife and fork. I suddenly feel self conscious for eating so sloppily. Monica and I watch with anticipation as he chews the food with a look of uncertainty on his face. Finally, it changes to one of surprise. "It's good!"

"Damn right it's good!" I almost yell.

"Calm down, Athrun. You shouldn't get worked up like that in your condition," Monica scolds.

"Fine," I mumble, resuming my full attention to my food.

"So Tieria, the nurse told me you had a really high level of first aid training, did you obtain that before coming to the academy?" Monica asks politely.

Tieria looks up from his food, "Yeah, I worked in a mobile suit factory so it was sort of required."

"Oh really?" She asks, sounding utterly astonished, "What did you do there?"

"I didn't really have an official position. I was sort of living there as I grew up so I just performed random tasks. I guess you could say I was the test pilot."

"Really? So you piloted before coming here?"

"Yeah."

"Didn't I tell you all this?" I ask her, swearing that I told her at least about some of it.

"No you didn't. But that's pretty amazing."

I cast her a glance that begs her not to dig any deeper. I desperately hope that she doesn't ask why he was living there or why he came to Zaft. And I hope she doesn't ask me either as it isn't really my story to tell.

"Whew, that was good. Thanks Tieria," Monica says, neatly putting her fork down on her virtually clean plate.

"You cooked most of it, so thank you," he replies.

I'm leaning backward in my chair feeling as though I might explode. "Yahhanksguyths," I mutter quickly.

Monica slides her stool away from the table and begins neatly piling the plates on top of one another.

"Do you want help?" I ask, knowing all too well the answer she'll give me.

"No thanks," She says, as expected. Tieria too begins collecting condiments from the table

"Athrun, do you mind if I take a bath?" Monica asks me once they've finished cleaning up.

"Yeah go for it. Use my bathroom. I'll show you where the towels are," I say, standing up from my stool and leading her into the bathroom. Leaning down and reaching into the cupboard, I retrieve a large white bath towel and hand it to her. "Need anything else?" I ask thoughtfully.

"No, that's great, thanks," she says, "Are you ok?"

"What? Of course," I say a little too quickly. She stares up at me without a word, a concerned expression displayed on her face. "Really, I'm ok. Thank you so much for coming here with me. It really means a lot." She still doesn't say a word, but continues to stare up at me with worried eyes. I pull her into a loose, one armed hug against the right side of my body. She gently hugs back. "Stop worrying about me, I'm fine," I say, resting my chin playfully on her head. "Just enjoy your bath ok?"

"Ok," she says, still sounding troubled. "Thanks."

"See you in a bit," I smile, leaving the room and closing the door behind me.

I undo my hoodie and throw it on the floor, now only wearing only a thin t-shirt. It might just be my anxiety, but despite the falling snow outside, I'm feeling a little too warm. Maybe it has something to do with the medication I just took. The cramping in my neck has grown increasingly painful due to the sling which now bears the full weight of my arm. I attempt to ease some of the tension by supporting my left arm with my right, but have little success.

I leave the room, closing the bedroom door behind me. I look around for Tieria, but he's nowhere to be seen. The bedroom light is off and the bathroom is empty, only one more place to check. I slide my shoes partially on and head for the balcony. I find him leaning on the railing, an ignited cigarette held between the index and middle fingers of his right hand. I slide open the door and join him on the railing. The snow continues to fall lightly around us.

"She's worried about you hey?" He asks, not taking his eyes off the glowing city.

"Yeah. That's just how she is."

"You probably shouldn't be inhaling smoke in your condition though should you?" He asks hesitantly. He knows how much I hate it when he smokes around me.

"Don't worry about it. I don't think smoke is going to make my injuries any worse," I say, forcing a laugh.

"Right," he laughs, taking a drag on his cigarette. After a few seconds he blows it as far away from me as he can. "So are you going to explain to me why you were freaking out on the way to the grocery store?"

"Right," I look around, ensuring that the windows to the bathroom are closed before continuing. I lower my voice, "Don't say anything to Monica; I never told her. I know she'd freak. It was the night after the ceremony in which I received Zaft Red status. A lot of people figured I only got it because of my father's position; that and Mu and I always got along really well. I came here the next day and when I was at the mall that evening, I got jumped by a group of unhappy Zaft greens. I was injured at the time and I didn't really put up much of a fight and I basically got the snot beaten out of me. I guess it's sort of put me on edge ever since."

Tieria flicks his cigarette, allowing the ashes to fall down into the depths of the city. "Yeah really. That would be enough to make me nervous too."

"It was weird, Nicol of all people was the one who found me. But yeah, Kira's the only other person who knows. I never told Monica," I say quietly. Even though there is no wind, the cold air stings my bare arms and I can feel goose bumps on my left bicep.

"You three are really close hey? You, Kira and Monica?" He presses the cigarette to his lips again.

"Yeah. We've been friends forever," I say almost sadly, allowing my words to trail off. I press my right hand to the back of my neck and slide it under the knotted material of the sling, trying to ease the pain a bit. Tieria blows out a cloud of smoke after what seems like far too long for him to be holding his breath.

"Are you ok?" Tieria asks, catching me just before I plummet back into that endless pit of undesirable thoughts.

"What? Yeah. My neck is just really sore."

"You should be relaxing. Go sit down and rest your arm on a pillow or something to take the strain off your neck."

"Yeah, good call," I say, watching him as he takes one last puff on the cigarette before putting it out. He follows me inside.

"Aren't you hot?" I ask him, noticing that he's wearing an irregularly heavy hoodie. I guess he was just standing out in the snow though.

"Nah," he says simply.

I head for the couch, positioning one pillow behind me and one in my lap to rest my arm upon. The absence of the material cutting into my neck is immensely relieving. Tieria throws an icepack at me from the kitchen, "Do you want something to drink?"

"Uh, sure, thanks," I say gratefully, pressing the cold compress to my shoulder. "So how did you manage the role of nurse who's in charge of the drugs over Monica?" I laugh.

"I have a higher level of first aid certification," he replies filling a glass with pop and flicking on the coffee pot.

"Right, you said that earlier. Sorry."

"I'm surprised you never told Monica about where I came from." He places the glass of fizzy pop in front of me on the table.

"I dunno; it isn't my story to tell. And to be honest we haven't talked a whole lot lately. A lot has been happening if you know what I mean."

"Yeah."

Tieria pours himself a tall cup of coffee before returning to sit on the couch across from me.

I shiver slightly; now I'm getting cold, probably because of the ice pack. I hear my bedroom door open and turn to see Monica emerge from the room. "How was your bath?" I ask lightly.

"It was very nice. How are you?"

"Good," I reply honestly. I _am_ good. I'm out of that god forsaken infirmary, I'm with friends, I've eaten something other than soup and I'm enjoying myself.

"Good," she repeats, picking up the blanket from the back of the couch and draping it over my shoulders.

"Thanks."

She disappears into the kitchen and returns with bowls of chips and a bottle of pop. I feel my jaw drop to the floor as she sets them on the table in front of me. Picking up my jaw, I cast her a questioning glance. Never in a million years would I have expected her to put that much junk food in front of me, even when I am feeling 100%.

She shrugs her shoulders and sits down beside me on the couch. I let out a half laugh. I'm not about to complain.

"So now what?" Tieria asks, taking a large sip of coffee.

"I feel like video games," I say stupidly.

"Right, and I suppose you're capable of holding a controller with one hand?" He asks with an eyebrow raised.

"How about I control one side and you control the other?" Monica asks thoughtfully.

"Sounds good! Tieria, ready to get your ass kicked?" I laugh. I know he's amazing at video games; I've seen him beat Kira before.

"Sure," he laughs.

Monica positions herself to my left and takes the left side of the controller while I hold the right.

We play a good 2 hours worth of video games before giving up and settling down for a movie. I continue drinking pop but Monica and Tieria look as though they're beginning to fade. Tieria looks like he could pass out at any minute now, but I suppose he's looked like that for the last two weeks.

"I think I'm gonna go to bed," Tieria says as if on cue. "I can just sleep here, then you can have the bedroom, Monica."

"No no that's fine, you take the bedroom. I'll sleep on the couch or I'll just crawl into the other bed in there later," she replies. "I'll probably be up later and I'll probably get up before you."

"Are you sure?" He asks thoughtfully.

"Yeah."

"Ok, well then good night you guys," Tieria says standing up and putting the dishes in the sink.

"Goodnight," Monica says.

"Nite Tieria, Thanks."

He closes the bedroom door behind him.

"You should think about going to bed soon too, Athrun," She says in a motherly tone.

"I don't mind sleeping on the couch if you wanna sleep in my bed?" I ask, trying to be considerate although I know what her answer will be.

"No, it's fine."

"Ok, well I'm actually going to head off too then," I say, standing up to head for my own room. I'm not overly tired but I haven't actually been alone in two weeks and I'd love some time to myself.

"Ok, come get me if you need anything," she says.

"I will, thanks for everything Monica."

"Anytime."

Dragging myself away from the couch, I pick up my phone and flick off the light switches, leaving only the lamp in the living room on, then head for my room and shut the door, finally allowing myself some privacy. Nothing has caused me more disappointment today than my cell phone. Although I know the result will be no better, I flick open my phone hopefully, only to find nothing on the home screen. I wonder, maybe the nurse wouldn't call me this late if Kira woke up because she might think I'm sleeping. I suppose I should be sleeping, it's way past midnight. On that note, I flick off all my own lights besides the one on my night table, then crawl into bed myself. Sleeping has been utterly uncomfortable for the last two weeks as I've been forced into an awkward upright position to ensure my collarbone stays straight. Convincing myself that sleeping awkwardly for a few more nights is a smaller price to pay than having a messed up shoulder for life, I pile my pillows against the wall and lean my body up against them. As soon as I lay down I feel a dull ache in my ankle. I guess walking on a fractured bone no matter how minor is never a good thing. The moment I turn off the last light the discomfort and pain in the rest of my body sets in.

I stare at the darkened ceiling and try to redirect my thoughts. One on side, I'm worrying about Kira but on the other side, I can't stop thinking about the pain I'm in. I suppose I'd rather the latter than the former. You'd think that after two weeks though I would be starting to heal. I guess I haven't because I've moved around so much in the last two weeks.

I squirm uncomfortably as much as my body will allow; I'm not tired but I guess that's due to all the caffeine I drank. I wonder if it actually does interfere with regenerative drugs. Maybe that's why I'm in pain despite the pain killers. That or the fact that I've moved more in the last 12 hours than I have in the last two weeks.

Then I hear a timid knock at my door. Tieria or Monica? Definitely Monica.

"Hello?"

"The door opens slightly to reveal nothing but darkness, and then it closes again. I can see Monica's small silhouette moving toward my bed. Then I hear a light sniffle which tells me that she's crying. All the discomfort, pain and worry dissolve from my mind and it becomes solely focused on her.

"Monica?" I ask softly, "Are you ok?" I lean forward and stretch out my right hand to find hers. She takes it and climbs onto the bed beside me. She sniffles again and lets out a soft cry. "What's wrong?"

"I don't think I can do it anymore, Athrun," she says, her voice cracking under her tears.

"Do what? What are you talking about?"

"Hold it all in. There's so much happening and I don't think I can handle it anymore." She sniffles loudly this time and buries her head in my right shoulder before bursting back into tears. I wrap my arm around her and hold her as tightly as I can.

"You don't need to hold it in. Let it out. Talk to me. You've been here so many times to take care of me and help me. You always look out for me now let me do something for you. Talk to me and tell me what's on your mind," I say reassuringly. I feel stronger than I have in days. It feels good to be able to be here for her after she's done so much for me. She continues to cry almost frantically into my chest. I do my best to reposition my body so that I can comfort her.

Finally she calms down and her breathing becomes more stable.

"Are you ok?" I ask, waiting for her to speak. I know all too well that sometimes you just need to cry. I feel anxious but at the same time I do my best to maintain a positive, optimistic front for her. I learned this technique from her. It's easier to feel comforted when the person who is consoling you isn't a complete train wreck.

She sniffles loudly again, "yeah, thanks."

My vision is starting to focus in the very dim light from the window, and I pull my arm from around her and carefully wipe where I assume her tears to be with the back of my finger tips.

"Now tell me what's going on. I know better than anyone that it isn't good to keep things bottled up," I say, glancing down at my left hand. I guess it's a good thing that it's been regularly wrapped in bandages; at least this way I know the option isn't even there. She shoots me a saddened look and gently rubs my left hand her with her fingers.

"There's just so much going on it's so hard to find balance. It's like the scale has been thrown so far out of whack that there's no way to return it to normal. Everything with school and my tests and then the idea of being dispatched into the field. On top of that there's my replacement as a singer, I don't know if you've seen her but she isn't exactly holding up my image well. There has been drama with my parents and then everything with Kira and you. Athrun I'm so worried about you. Between what's happened with this accident and what happened with Hylas and your dad only a little while ago."

I cut her off, "Monica, don't worry about me right now. Really, I'm actually doing alright. I'm just worried about what will happen with Kira. You can't hold somebody else up when you can barely stand on your own two feet," I say to her, amazed at the analogy I just pulled out of nowhere. I guess it applies to me, but right now, for the first time in ages, I feel that I _can_ stand on my own two feet. I guess not literally, but other than being worried about Kira I'm more stable than I've been in a while. "You need to get your own affairs in order before you're allowed to worry about me and Kira alright? We're big boys, we can take care of ourselves," I laugh. "But honestly, I'm worried enough about Kira for the both of us. As for me, I'm really ok… Besides the fact that that you may have to dress me in the morning…" I say, again attempting a joke.

She remains silent for several seconds. She leans back into my arm and stares straight ahead. "Athrun, what if Kira doesn't wake up?" She looks directly at me and I can see the seriousness in her poorly lit, but vibrant blue eyes.

"Don't think like that," is the first thing I blurt out. "Really, think positively. He _will_ wake up. I know he will. He knows that we both need him; he wouldn't leave us." I wish I could truly believe my own words. I can only hope she doesn't hear the doubt in my voice. "As for your replacement singer, maybe you should talk to her. If she can't do things the way you want her to, maybe Lacus Clyne should disappear from the scene for a while. Pretend you're writing a new album and deal with it later when you have more energy to direct toward that matter."

"I know. You're right Athrun."

"I'm here for you ok? We should talk like this more. And with Kira too."

"I agree, is it ok if I stay here for a while longer?" She asks, still sobbing.

"Of course," I say, allowing her to lay down properly.

After a while I come to the conclusion that she's asleep and I gently pull away from her and move to the opposite side of the bed. She's always so strong; it's hard to believe that even the best fall down sometimes.

The pain in my shoulder reminds me that the possibility of sleeping tonight is rather low. I squirm uncomfortably, trying to shut my brain off. Glancing over at Monica, I think of Sienna. I really like her. Is it ok that I'm sleeping in the same bed as another girl? I know we used to when we were little, but now? Heaving a deep sigh I sit up and glance at her once more. She's sleeping so peacefully, and she looks much happier than when she first came in here. Maybe I did succeed in making her feel better. That or she just grew too tired to stay awake.

Without a second thought, and with Sienna in mind, I pick up my pillow and head for the couch.

Collapsing down into the surprisingly comfortable couch, I honestly wonder if Sienna could ever feel the same way I do. Really, what is there to like about me? I always seem to find trouble and I'm so absorbed in my own problems.

I set up my pillows behind me and pull the throw blanket from the back of the couch over my body. I guess this is a better set up anyway; with the arm of the couch behind me I can set myself in a proper upright position.

Sienna seemed at least a little interested when she came to see me the second time. Why would she have done that if she wasn't? Maybe she was just bored. Ugh. I'm tired of thinking. I shake my head in attempt to clear my thoughts before I consciously realize that shaking my head never actually works. No matter how much I shake my head, I can't clear it like that. I guess unless I knock myself unconscious.

I let out a loud sigh and begin my mission to fall asleep. To my surprise, it comes easier than expected.

* * *

I slowly open my eyes only to be blinded by the bright room. As my vision focuses, I notice Monica asleep on the couch across from me. I wonder why she came out here. Maybe she felt bad kicking me out of my bed, but then why wouldn't she wake me up and tell me to go back. Weird.

As I sit up, a searing pain shoots through my shoulder and I nearly fall back into the couch. I manage to catch myself with my good hand before my shoulder hits the couch, and I pull myself into a sitting position. I guess it hurts so badly because I was sleeping on it.

Barely even thinking about it, I grab my phone off the table and check to see if I've missed any calls. Nothing. I release a heavy sigh and drag myself off the couch, tucking my phone into my sling.

I wonder if Tieria is up yet. I quickly find the answer as I glance out onto the balcony. I wrap my blanket tightly around my shoulders and slip outside.

"Were there spiders in your bed last night or something? Or did you just pass out on the couch?" Tieria asks without turning around.

Rather than explain the real story, I lie. "Yeah, we just fell asleep talking. And good morning to you too."

"Yeah I thought I heard you guys talking," he says. I'm not sure if that was sarcastic or not since we weren't talking at all in the living room. Maybe it's his way of saying he doesn't believe me. I brush it off. It's too early to think.

Tieria is leaned over on the railing, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other, standing in about five centimeters of snow with his massive hoodie zipped up to his chin. I almost laugh at him.

I wonder if he always smokes this much. I'm not with him 24/7… does he sneak out of the building? Or maybe he's just particularly stressed this weekend.

"How are you feeling?" He asks, not making eye contact.

"Do you even need to ask?" I ask casually, leaning against the wall behind me.

"Your arm is absolutely killing you. I saw the position you were sleeping in," He flicks his cigarette and I watch the ashes fly from the balcony until I can no longer see them.

"Yeah. Pretty much. I'll take the medication soon," I mumble. All those drugs can't be good for me.

"Is Monica ok? She sounded pretty upset last night." Tieria asks, finally looking at me.

"Yeah. She's just stressed out is all. She rarely breaks down, but she's still human. I think I forget that sometimes." I say honestly.

"It happens to the best of us. She's lucky to have you."

"I guess…" I've always been grateful to have her as a friend, but I've never really thought of anyone else being lucky to have me. I guess now that Kira isn't around I'm the closest friend she has. Could I really be that good of a friend though? I'm so self absorbed and I don't think enough about the people around me. "Did you sleep ok?" I ask, trying to take the focus off of myself.

"Yeah, it was nice having a room to myself. It's been a while. To be honest though, I don't really enjoy being alone anymore. I'm so used to the dorm."

I laugh a little. He takes one last breath of his burnt out cigarette before tossing it in the pile he's created next to the door.

"Don't worry, I'll clean it up. Should we go inside?" He asks.

"Yeah."

I follow him back inside to find both couches vacant and the bathroom door closed. I hear the sink for a few seconds, then Monica merges.

"Good morning," she says sweetly.

"How did you sleep?" I ask stupidly. I probably shouldn't have asked.

"Not bad. That couch is really comfortable."

"Good to hear. I think I'm going to attempt a bath. Wish me luck," I say jokingly.

"Good luck," Tieria laughs

"Call me if you need anything," Monica says. I feel my face turn red.

The bathing part itself doesn't turn out to be too difficult, I rip off all of the bandages from my body, revealing the disgusting, but finally healing wound on my hand. The warm water soothes my aching body, and it's quite refreshing especially since I haven't been able to shower much in the last while. It's nice to feel clean and not greasy for a change. Once out of the bath tub, I start having difficulties. With a great amount of trouble, I finally manage to pull my sweatpants on, but I know I don't have a hope in hell with my shirt. Admitting defeat, I poke my head out my bedroom door and call for Monica. She simply giggles and follows me into my room.

"You should try to wear button up shirts, or anything that's easier to get on and off," she comments, digging through my closet.

"I don't have any other than formal dress shirts," I say honestly, sitting on the corner of my bed.

"What do you mean you don't own any," she asks, almost astounded. "I swear I've seen you in a button up shirt before."

"Nothing other than crunchy, uncomfortable formal wear," I say.

She closes the closet and pokes her head out the door, "Tieria, do you have a button up shirt Athrun can borrow?" She calls.

Crap, this isn't going to be good…

"Oh, you mean the ones he makes fun of every chance he gets? Yeah, I do," Tieria says. I can hear him almost laughing. I guess I deserve that.

She waits in the doorway as I silently pray he doesn't give her the pink one. _Please not the pink one!_

I sigh in relief as he passes her a dark blue button up, collared shirt.

"Athrun," he says without looking in the room, "I brought it for you because I figured you would need it. You're lucky, the pink one was dirty." He laughs.

Monica giggles before closing the door.

She gently helps me put on the shirt, taking care not to disrupt my shoulder in the slightest. Once she finishes dressing me, she pulls my sling back over my head and rewraps my hand. I place my cell phone back inside my sling on top of my arm. I figure if it rings or vibrates I'll definitely notice it there.

By time I leave my room, Tieria is making breakfast in the kitchen and he has the pill bottles on the counter waiting for me. I sigh quietly; Monica and Tieria take such good care of me.

It isn't long after breakfast when I feel a strange vibrating sensation against my left arm. It takes only a second to register that it's my phone ringing. I frantically pull it out of my sling and answer.

"Hello?" I almost shout into the phone. Tieria is now staring intently at me.

"Athrun?" A weak but familiar sounding voice echoes into my ear. I nearly drop the phone.

* * *

**A/N: So? Good? Bad? Ugly? This chapter has been written for a while, but it took me allll evening to go over it. Hopefully there aren't too many typos. At this time I'd like to point you in the direction of Sienna's character design. The link is posted below. ****I did not draw this picture, I came up with the concept. Ark V. on Deviant Art drew it. However, I'm not sure how long this picture will be up, as Ark and I are no longer on good terms. So he could take it down at any time. So if you go to look at it and its gone, let me know and I'll find a new way to share it with you. (You have to type the link into your browser and it should come up). So let me know what you think of her! **

.com/gallery/#/d2ctd7x

**As for the chapter, I don't have too much to say. Cliffhanger a little bit there I suppose. But yeah, let me know what you thought please! I'd love to see some of you lurkers post some reviews? I KNOW WHO YOU ARE (thanks to subscriptions :)) Thanks guys, hope you liked it! **

**I wont wait another month to post the next chapter! I'm back in writing mode!**


	25. Chapter 25: Is this normal?

"Kira!" I yell into the phone, nearly dropping it.

"The nurse told me to call you," he replies weakly.

"When did you wake up? Are you ok?" I ask frantically. Tieria is standing beside me now with a look of anticipation and concern on his face.

"I – I dunno…" his voice trails off.

"Kira! What's going on?" I almost yell into the phone.

"Mr. Zala," a woman, most likely a nurse, says, "we're sending a shuttle for you. Meet at the normal drop off location at 1400."

"Is he ok?" I demand.

"We can discuss it when you arrive." She hangs up on me.

I slowly pull the phone away from my ear and stare at it until the screen goes dark, completely ignoring Tieria's requests for information.

"Athrun? Is he ok?" He continues to ask.

"Well… he's awake. I don't know." I mutter, still staring at the blank screen. "They're picking us up in two hours." I finally flip the phone shut and shove it back inside my sling.

"At least he's awake, right?" Tieria says, clearly attempting to comfort me.

"Yeah…"

"I'm gonna go let Monica know," he says, heading inside.

"Sure," I mumble, staring off into space. Tieria closes the door behind him, leaving me alone with my thoughts. My head is swimming yet again. While I'm grateful he's awake, I can't help but worry desperately about his condition. He didn't sound like himself at all on the phone.

* * *

I spend the next two hours waiting and imagining every possible outcome that could become of Kira. Monica and Tieria do their best to comfort me, and although they do what they can to remain optimistic, their spirits too, are wary. Everything I've been thinking of in the last few days and especially last night, has completely evaporated from my mind. All I can think about is Kira's condition. I'm just praying that he's alright. What if he dies before I even get there? What if he's unconscious again and I've missed my only chance to speak with him. Why did I leave? How could I have left his side at a time like this?

The three of us are completely silent as we climb onto the shuttle. Tieria and Monica each take separate seats in order to give me a choice of who to sit with, but I climb onto the seat in front of them by myself. I don't want to talk. I hear shifting behind me, and turn enough to see Monica move over to sit with Tieria in the seat further from me.

On the ride back to the academy, I close my eyes and vividly remember the battle that changed my life, possibly forever. Shinn had struck my cockpit with his beam saber, leaving it open and making me completely vulnerable. I would have been easily killed if Kira hadn't jumped in front of me. Then the most horrible sight I've ever seen… I clench my eyes and remember the white ZAKU standing in front of me. I can hear Kira's cries, and then I see the green beam saber emerge from the back of Kira's cockpit. I can hear Kira and Shinn screaming as their two machines fall on top of my own crippled one. I feel myself jump in my seat, my eyes bursting open. Monica and Tieria stop talking, and I can feel their worried eyes on me. I choose not to turn around; rather I shift in my seat to find a more comfortable position. I can't get rid of the image of the beam saber coming through the back of Kira's machine. Was Kira impaled? He's been completely covered with blankets every time I've seen him. I probably have no idea how badly injured he really is.

Kira saved me. I owe him everything.

The moment the bus stops, I run to the building as fast as my body will allow, hurrying down the hall to the infirmary. Monica is close behind, but Tieria is taking his time, probably giving us a chance to be with Kira undisturbed.

"Kira!" I almost yell as I run through the door.

Shinn's bed is empty and has been cleaned. Kira is laying in his bed, slightly angled upward so he sits up a bit. The brace that had been holding his neck straight has been removed and there are small bandages on his temples where the screws had been. Bandages cover his torso and extend over his right shoulder. His blankets are pulled just above his waist, where his arm lays thickly encased in more bandages across his body. His right eye is still covered but the rest of his face is bare, covered with several small scabs. He looks much better than he did when I first saw him, and he's nowhere near as pale.

As I slowly approach him, I'm shocked to see him turn his head slightly to look at me. There still so much life present in the one eye I can see.

"Hey," he says weakly, attempting a small smile.

I can feel my eyes fill with tears as I fall into the chair next to his bed. I cowardly allow my head to sink into the edge of Kira's bed and cry. "I'm so sorry," I sob.

"Why?" Kira asks quietly.

"This was all my fault," I sniffle hard. I feel a hand lightly touch my shoulder. I feel my eyes grow wide and I raise my head to see that it's Kira's. His fingers right lightly across the brace on my shoulders.

"So they finally figured out that you have bad posture?" He asks, smiling.

I immediately stop sobbing, "Kira, you can move?"

"Not my legs," he says quietly, "but hopefully soon." Although weak, his voice is optimistic.

He's so tired and weak, but he's the same Kira I know so well, even after all this.

His eyes close and his hand falls back to his bed.

I hear the door open and turn to see a nurse, Monica and Tieria in the doorway. "Let him rest, you can come back later," the nurse says quietly.

The nurse closes the door after me, "He has regained full motor use from his waist up in only two weeks. This is virtually unheard of even in coordinators. He is healing at an unbelievable speed. I think it's safe to say that he will indeed make a full recovery. That boy has a very strong will. Mr. Zala, I would like you to come back in about an hour for x-rays. Go get some lunch, but remember, no caffeine," she says before walking away.

"Right," I mumble.

Monica follows her away, and as soon as the two are gone, Tieria bursts out laughing.

"You probably drank at least three liters of pop last night," he laughs.

"Shhh," I laugh, smiling too.

"I have to go meet with commander La Flaga, I'll meet you back here later," Tieria says.

I watch as he walks away, then turn to leave myself.

I wander slowly back up to the dorms, it's been quite some time since I actually slept in my own bed. Is this my own bed? Or is the one at my apartment my own bed? Considering that I can count the number of times I've slept there on two hands, it doesn't feel all that much like home. No, the dorm is my home. At least for now. What should I do now? Why did Kira have to fall asleep, I have so much I want to say to him. I glance at the clock above the entrance to the library; its 1:30. I probably should take the nurses advice and eat something, but I don't feel hungry. Maybe I just have too much on my mind.

I make up my mind to go back to the dorm and get changed. I haven't worn my uniform in over 2 weeks. Will it still fit me? All I've done for the last two weeks is lie in a bed and eat soup. Can soup make you fat? Have I put on weight? I guess I'll find out soon enough. I suddenly feel self conscious.

I open the door to the dorm to see that Nicol hadn't been lying about Tieria's new burger addiction. In the garbage can there are a few wrappers, but it seems he's been throwing them from his bunk; at least that would explain why most of them are on the floor. The kid's a genius, and he's physically strong too, but when it comes to shooting a gun or anything to do with aiming, he might as well be blind.

I dig in my drawer for a fresh T-shirt, God I haven't done laundry in like a month! Finally I find one and I pull my arm out of the sling. With great difficulty, I manage to slide my useless left arm into the sleeve and pull the shirt over my head. I replace my arm in the sling, and I find my pants hanging off the side of my bed. "God Damnit," I swear, as I pull them on," this is ridiculous." Even the simplest tasks are difficult without the use of my arm. I pull my jacket around my shoulders and button it up. Thank god for buttons, I've grown to see zippers as my mortal enemy in my current state. I reach for my belt, but decide against it.

Finally after what _should_ have only taken like 30 seconds, I leave the dorm and head for the cafeteria. I wonder what Nicol's been doing these past two weeks. It's not like Tieria's the most social person, I don't know how Nicol hasn't gone crazy being stuck alone with him for this long. As I walk past the common room, I glance inside to catch a flash of blonde hair. Could it be? I double back; it is! My heartbeat quickens, and I take a deep breath before entering the room. _Stay cool,_ I tell myself.

Siena is sitting on the couch reading a piece of paper. I quietly approach her. _How has she not noticed me yet? _She looks a little bit out of it. Her shoulders are tense, and her face is paler than I remember. "It's Sienna, right?" I ask to get her attention. Obviously I know who she is, but I don't want to come off like a creep. I'd rather cut off my leg than let her know that I've been thinking about her since the day we met. I feel slightly more confident now than I did on that day. I hadn't expected the most beautiful girl I've ever seen to just randomly come walking into my hospital room. God, I could kill Lacus for that. I must have looked and smelled so bad. _Oh well, forget it,_ I tell myself. _I'm out of bed, showered and dressed this time_; perhaps that's the source of my unexplained confidence?

"Yeah, hi Athrun," she says in her soft voice. It makes me melt slightly. "How are you feeling?" she asks timidly.

"I'm doing better, thanks. What are you doing up here all alone? Isn't it lunch time?" YES! So far so good! I'm horrible at talking to girls. Other than Lacus, I think I've managed to make a fool of myself in front of every girl I've ever spoken too. Come to think of it, I'm sure I've done it around Lacus too, I just don't realize it because were such good friends.

I sit down on the chair next to the couch. I don't want to get too close as I'm afraid of scaring her off. She's prettier than I remembered. She's wearing a loose white T-shirt; loose, but not too loose. I am still able to see her irresistible, petite figure. On her lower half she wears sweat pants rolled up to just below her knees. Her legs are bent and tucked slightly under her to reveal only a glance of her white ankle socks. Her long blonde hair surrounds her face and falls gracefully over her shoulders. My heart continues to race.

"I was in the cafeteria, but there was this group of guys… they started yelling things at me. Everyone was looking at me, so I left. I never thought people here would be like that." She says, her sentence drifting off. She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, only to have another fall to cover the left side of her face again.

"Well, you can't just not eat," I say without thinking, "what if I go with you? They won't say anything if you're with me." Actually, they probably would. They make fun of me all the time, for different reasons now and then, but I've gotten past it.

Where is this coming from? It's like someone is speaking for me.

"Really?" her light green eyes light up, and then she cowers slightly, "you don't have to. I wouldn't want to be an inconvenience." She seems almost afraid. She's just like… me.

"Yeah," I say kindly, "come on, let's go." I give her a gentle smile, and stand up to offer her my hand. She takes it cautiously; as though she's afraid she might hurt me. Damn my fragile state! I wish I could sweep her off her feet and carry her to the cafeteria! She stands up, transferring only a small amount of her weight to me. I feel like I'm lifting a fly, she's so tiny. I smile to myself; _absolutely adorable!_ As she stands beside me, I realize just how small she is. She's about 5 inches shorter than I, and her frame looks childish compared to mine. I wonder how old she is. Her face tells me she cannot be much younger than me, but her size begs to differ.

As we enter the cafeteria, I can see her shoulders tense. Her eyes are set on a group of boys that I don't recognize. Then I spot Yzak at the table. _Typical._ Boldly, I drape my right arm around her shoulders. I do my best to provide a sense of security to her, while not seeming too forward. I hear the boys snicker, and she timidly cowers closer to me. "Don't worry," I say as I look at her pretty face, "they're just a bunch of losers. They make fun of everyone."Her shoulders relaxed a little.

We approach the counter, and I reluctantly take my arm off of her. I still don't feel hungry, but if I don't eat she'll think I only came here for her sake. While this is true, I don't want her to feel as if she's troubled me. Sienna loads all our food onto one tray so I don't have to struggle with my own. I smile and thank her.

It's already pretty clear that she's a sweet girl.

We walk to a table as far away from the group of boys as possible, and I settle into the seat across from her.

She breathes a sigh of relief, "Thank you so much." She then dips her spoon into her soup and blows on it before placing it in her mouth.

"Hey no problem," I say, staring at the soup in subconscious disgust. She starts to giggle, "what, you don't like French onion soup?" she speaks with a smile on her face. It's the first time I've seen her really smile; she has heart stopping smile. I can feel my heart melting again.

"What? Yes… uh no. Wait, what? Right, soup. Sorry, I have nothing against French onion soup, but for the past 2 weeks, I've eaten nothing _but_ soup." I laugh slightly, and I can feel my face glowing red. There I go; I knew it was only a matter of time before I made a fool of myself. I stab a piece of my salad with my fork.

"I can't imagine being stuck in a hospital room for two weeks, you must have been going crazy," she says, breaking a cracker into the bowl in front of her. She's obviously looked past my blatant fail.

"Yeah, maybe not something you want to try," I say. As I shuffle the lettuce around on my plate awkwardly, I watch her out of the corner of my eye. I still can't get over how pretty she is.

"But you're feeling better, right?" She says, looking up at me. "And how are the others?"

"I don't know about Shinn, he was released from the hospital but I haven't seen him since yesterday. I'm sure he's doing alright though. And Kira's doing better too; he just woke up this morning actually."

I wonder what Lacus told Sienna about me. Oh God. I hope she hasn't said anything about Lunamaria. Dear God. She wouldn't, would she? No, she wouldn't do that to me. I'm sure she wouldn't. I can feel myself sweating a little.

"So, what brings you out here so late in the year anyway?" I ask in attempt to create conversation. I am curious though, people are generally only recruited during specific periods of the year. I watch Sienna as she lets her spoon fall into her half empty soup bowl. A frown creeps across her face. Crap! Did I say something wrong? I immediately regret asking.

"My father, he was a mobile suit pilot," she begins, speaking rather slowly. "He was injured when he was young; he lost his sight in his right eye, and was banned from piloting. It was his passion and his dream in life. He always hoped that my brother would follow in his footsteps, but unfortunately, he passed away not too long ago. My father was the one who insisted that I enlist. He told me that someone in the family needed to get involved. I think he knew I was kind of a hopeless prospect for the military, but he made me do it anyway." Her words are filled with pain. It almost reminds me of the way I think of my own father. Damnit, why did I ask?

"I understand, so it wasn't your choice then," I say hesitantly. "Well, it's not all bad here. There's a lot to keep you busy, and there are loads of great people. Being here has done a lot for me. I find that it gives you a sense of self worth, if you know what I mean." Under normal circumstances, I would never share this information with someone. But I feel like I forced her to share her personal feelings, so in attempt to repay her, I do the same.

"I can see what you mean," she says seriously, "so you're training to be a mobile suit pilot?"

I'm not sure what to say. If I say yes will I remind her of her father? There isn't really an alternative answer. "Yeah, I am. I got my license a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure you've heard the story of how that ended though." There is no doubt in my mind that if Lacus hasn't told her what went down, someone has. I'm sure it was the talk of the academy for at least a few days there. "What about you? What are you training for?" I ask lightly.

"I've taken nursing courses before, so I guess that was the qualification that got me in so late in the year, but I don't really want that to be my area of study. I wouldn't mind going into intelligence."

"I see, so like Monica?" I ask.

"Sort of, she has higher ambitions than I do though. Hey, do you want a candy?" Sienna asks, as she holds the small bag filled with sour candies toward me. I smile, "sure, thank you," I say as I reach into the bag. I don't know why I'm eating candy, I ate enough of it last night. Oh well, making up for lost time! …Damn that soup.

I gaze across the room, and my eyes set on the clock in the corner of the room. "CRAP!" I say loudly. Sienna jumps slightly, and I try to calm down. "Sorry, I was supposed to be back at the infirmary ten minutes ago. Some stupid X-rays or something. The nurses are already frustrated with me, they're gonna kill me this time. Do you want me to walk you back to the dorm?" I ask, slightly frantic. As if I haven't disobeyed the nurses enough.

"Oh, no I'll be fine thanks," she says, smiling.

"Ok. It was very nice talking to you, and I'm sorry I have to run out on you like this. I'll see you later on?" I ask, assuring that everything went ok in her opinion. I really don't want to leave her.

"For sure!" she says. "Good luck!"

"Thanks," I stand up and carry the tray to disposal rack. I turn back to catch one last look at her, and she smiles back at me.

My heart flutters as I almost skip down the stairs to the infirmary. There's a dull ache in my cheeks from grinning more than usual. It's another form of comforting pain; except this time it's healthy.

"You're late Mr. Zala!" The nurse exclaims in a frustrated manner.

"Sorry," I say, still smiling. She gives me an odd look before leading me into the X-ray room.

After several high frequency electromagnetic waves have been fired at my shoulder, I wander back into Kira's room without the nurse's permission. They're already mad, how much worse can it get?

Kira seems to be a little more… with it now that he's fully awake. I slump down in the chair beside his bed, lean back and sigh.

Kira watches me intently for a moment, and I can feel his eyes reading me. "You met a girl, didn't you?" He asks, as if reading my mind.

"Yes I'm fine thank you, and how are you?" I laugh.

Kira's expression is dead serious "Spill it," he says bluntly.

I can feel my face flush. "Have you met Sienna? The new girl living in our wing?"

"I just woke up. I've only seen you, Monica and Nicol. Where's Tieria anyway?"

"No clue. I'm sure he'll be around soon. He doesn't stay away from this place for long," I say. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Nice and drugged up," he smiles absent mindedly. "How about you?" He asks lightly.

"Aside from a couple broken bones, I'm fine," I say smiling. I'm in a better mood than I've been in days. I think it's just a feeling of relief. Like a huge weight has just been lifted from my shoulders.

"So it's been two weeks…" Kira trails off. "Shinn… is he?"

"He's alright. I wouldn't worry too much about his physical state. I think he might be feeling a bit lonely, but other than that he's fine."

"I see. What have you been up to all this time? Have you been bored without me?" Kira laughs slightly, but stops quickly in obvious pain.

"Hmm…" I laugh, "yeah, I only just got out of here yesterday." I smile. It feels so good to finally be talking to him on a normal level.

The door opens and Tieria appears in the doorway. Only moments later, Mu and a reluctant Shinn enter as well. Mu pulls several chairs around Kira's bed and gestures for us all to take a seat.

"So am I the only one that wasn't informed of this meeting?" Kira asks innocently.

"Nah, we didn't tell Athrun either. We figured he'd be here anyway," Mu laughs. "How you doing skinny?" He asks Kira.

"I'm ok," he responds, still confused as to why he's being surrounded.

"So it's been confirmed that you will indeed make a full recovery," Mu says a little too casually. If this is news to Kira he's obviously too distracted by something else to react properly. I myself feel like jumping for joy.

"…which is kind of why I called this meeting. I know it's a little hasty, but I thought you should know as soon as possible." Mu's tone has gone from casual to serious in a disturbingly small amount of time. I can feel my heart beating with unwelcomed anticipation.

"The defense commanders are looking at dispatching another team of newer recruits in the next month or so. Basically, they're getting desperate. Since there isn't a whole lot of time for the team to be trained together, they're looking for a group of ZAFT Reds that have gone through training together. You can probably guess from this that they have their eyes on the four of you. As your training commander, they've asked for my input. Now it's in no way inside protocol for me to being speaking directly to you guys about this," he says, lowering his voice and ducking his head lower into the small huddle, "but in light of… recent events, I need to hear what you have to say about this. Mainly you three," he says, excluding Tieria.

I quickly make eye contact with Tieria; he was right.

"Can the three of you function as a team without trying to kill each other somewhere in the process?" He asks, sounding almost angry. "Was having a comrade almost die enough of an eye opener for you? Enough to show you that war isn't a game?" While his words are harsh, his tone retains a sense of sincerity. "Frankly, I'm disappointed in you two," he says to me and Shinn. "You two are fighting on the same side of a battle. You can't let silly things like girls and childish games come between you. I don't care if you hate or love each other off the battlefield, but when you're out there fighting to protect your nation, with thousands of lives depending on you, there is no room for silly mind games. I know this is rough seeing as how you are all still children, but you knew and understood that the day you enlisted. You four have all grown into mature and skilled young soldiers, and you each have huge potential. The guys at the top of the ladder have obviously realized this; otherwise they wouldn't be considering you."

The commander's words cut through me like knives. I fight back the urge to cry as the man who has filled the role of mentor and parent for the past year cuts me down with his words. He's right though; every word of it is true. I hang my head in shame, while I can see Shinn doing the same across Kira's bed from me. I'm disgusted with myself. It really did take my best friend almost dying for me to clue in that this really isn't a game. I need to face the reality of all this and grow up, now or never.

"Tieria," Mu turns to Tieria, who's become almost a spectator, "what is your opinion on all this?"

Tieria looks up, slightly surprised at first, but his expression quickly changes to one addressing business. "Well, given what we've all been through together, and the mistakes we've made and learned from, _I_ think we're all quite _capable _of working as a team," he says confidently. He does well speaking for all of us, while not pointing a finger at any of us.

"Well put," Mu nods to him, "anyone else?"

I shake my head as I feel his eyes pass over me, and I refuse to make eye contact. I feel horrible. I want nothing more than to be out of the room and alone in my bed.

"I think I can speak for all of us," Shinn pipes up, "when I say I think we'd all feel a little more self worth if we felt that we were actually contributing."

I find it to be sort of an odd comment at a time like this, but he's definitely looking for positives at a time like this. Perhaps it's something I should learn to do.

"Interesting statement," Mu comments.

I think that whether any of us realized it before or not, it's definitely true. None of us have much to return home to aside from Kira. There's nothing left anywhere else for us. Shinn is right. I think I would feel better doing something that made me feel worth something. But at the same time, do I want that something to be killing other people?

"Anyone have anything else to add?" Mu asks. "Or I guess the better question is, does anyone have any objections?"

While we are all silent, I want to scream out in protest. It's all happening so fast, I don't even know if this is what I want anymore. I need time to think. I can't just make decisions spontaneously like this.

Then it hits me; it isn't really my decision anymore. The day I enlisted I signed my life away. Unfortunately, none of us have a choice anymore.

* * *

I stare blindly at the ceiling above my head; I can feel Tieria watching me. He sits across the room from me atop his own bunk with a text book rested on his elevated knees and his laptop at his side. I have only recently put my own text book away; it's probably why Tieria's watching me. I wasn't actually studying in the first place; I just didn't want to cause Tieria concern. Although it's rather annoying, I know he's just worried. Ever since he found out why I really wore that wrist band, he's been watching me like a hawk. Part of me just wants to be alone, but on the other hand I'm happy to be back among people. I glance at the text book next to my head. I have done well to keep up with my homework while I've been in the infirmary, not that there was anything else to do in that dreadful place.

Thoughts swarm my mind; thoughts of the meeting that took place not 3 hours ago. What was said repeats itself over and over in my mind. What Tieria said, 'the mistakes we've made and learned from.' Have I, have any of us really learned from what took place? It seems stupid to think that we should have to learn something like that. Don't attack your own comrades – that's what it comes down to. You should be mature enough to be able to control yourself in a sparring match. Shinn and I should have both known better, but our pride stood in our way and lead to disaster. We're lucky that Kira, no, all of us are alive. How can I continue to call myself a ZAFT red after what happened? I wonder if my father has caught word of this yet. I have no doubt that the three suits were destroyed or at least damaged.

"Did you give up on the physics?" Tieria asks me in an awkward attempt to confirm that I'm ok. He has such a hard time talking to anyone, to me even. He's not unlike myself in that way though, were both relatively awkward. Maybe it's why we seem to get along so well.

"Nah, I think I finished it," I lie. I finished it last Thursday. "I'm just tired, it was a late night last night" I say, trying to convince him that I'm alright. I force a smile but he sees past it.

"They just bought some new high definition DVD player the other day, Dearka was saying they rented a movie and everyone was getting together to watch it. Wanna go check it out?" Tieria asks in a forced casual tone. Tieria hates social gatherings; he's obviously just trying to help me out of my brooding state.

"I guess," I say reluctantly. Maybe Sienna will be there. The though causes my heart to skip a beat, and I grow eager to head down to the common room. I still feel guilty for running out on her earlier today.

Kira's nurse threw us out again after our meeting. What, sleeping for two weeks straight isn't enough? I think I'll go by later on to see if he's awake. I remember the times that I was alone in that room, I almost went crazy.

"Just give me a few minutes to finish this up, k?" Tieria says, typing something on his laptop with his right hand and flipping textbook pages with the other. It still blows my mind how well he types with one hand.

"Sure. Hey, where's Nicol?" I ask, I almost completely forgot that he wasn't around. I haven't seen him all day.

"Library I think. He's been studying there a lot lately."

I can imagine why. Tieria easily comes off as arrogant, but the truth is, he really just doesn't know what to say to people. I only understand that because I'm the same. I however, come off as insecure rather than arrogant. I stare back up at the ceiling, I'm grateful to have a few more minutes to think. I've cooled off a bit since the meeting, I was a little frantic when I came back up and locked myself in the bathroom. I had considered cutting, something I've been thinking of a lot. Unfortunately there are two things stopping me, the first being Tieria's watchful eye, the second being the layers of bandages encasing my left wrist. I'm getting better at controlling it; at least I think I am anyway. Every time I think about it and don't go through with it, I'm always left in an awful, mentally exhausted state. I guess that explains my current condition. I do my best to think of nothing now. My mind has been through a lot today. I really don't feel as though I am ready for what is coming.

"Ready?" Tieria asks, slightly startling me. He jumps down off his bunk, and I snap back to reality. Funny he should ask…

"Yeah," I say as I climb down my ladder with some difficulty. Should I be getting properly dressed? I'm in a t-shirt and sweat pants. I want to look nice for Sienna, but at the same time I think it's too difficult right now. I pull a zip up hoodie around my body, and follow Tieria out of the room. As we enter the room, I walk mindlessly toward my usual recliner only to find that Tieria has beaten me to it. What the hell? It's been 2 weeks and he thinks he can steal my spot? I shoot him an annoyed glance, but he grins and gestures to the couch to the left him. I look over to see Sienna sitting alone. I get it now.

I hesitate for a second; I don't want to intrude on her personal space. Nervously, I sit down beside her, only to catch sight of a colossal grin on Tieria's face.

"Hey," I say to her, trying to sound more confident than I feel. I can hear the fatigue in my own voice.

"Hi," she says, she looks happy to see me. At least I think she does? "Long day?" she asks, seeing my exhausted expression.

"Yeah, sort of," I reply. I am not allowed to disclose the details of our meeting to anyone, as nothing has been finalized yet. Then it hits me, if I go, I'll have to leave Sienna. The thought of this hurts, but I do my best to cover it up. "How about you, how was your day?"

"Pretty boring, I went to the fitness center and then the library. I'm so far behind in all of my studies, I guess that's what I get for coming late," she says.

"If you ever get stuck, I can try to help you if you'd like," I offer. I love the idea of sitting next to her and helping her study. I would make the most of any opportunity to be near her.

"Thanks for the offer," she smiles, "I might just take you up on that. Do you know what movie we're watching?" she asks. Is she trying to change the subject?

"I'm not sure," I reply. She moves closer to me as another boy that I'm do distracted to notice the identity of sits next to her. I feel my heart beat faster. I sort of hope it's a scary movie, as I'm in the perfect position for her to lean into me. The movie turns out to be the new Underworld movie. I saw the first one, it was good, and the graphics look great on the new DVD player, but at the moment, the movie is the last thing on my mind. Sienna seems to be inching closer to my right shoulder. The room is dark, and what could have potentially turned into a romantic scenario, is prevented by the large amount of people present in the room. I'm in the perfect spot, she and the television are to my right, so in order to see the TV I have to look past her. I glace at her out of the corner of my eye, her eyes look beautiful as they glisten in the faint light of the television. I pretend to be watching the movie as I continue to observe her beauty.

It isn't long before Sienna leans forward to yawn, and she places her head on my right shoulder. I stretch out my arm, and she leans comfortably into my side. I've never felt so exhilarated, it's like something I've wanted so badly has finally happened. My heart pounds, I really hope she can't feel it. I can feel myself beaming, and I glance over to Tieria who nods and grins back at me. I wish Kira could see me now; he always makes fun of me when it comes to girls.

Sienna jumps as a startling part of the movie passes. I pull her closer, and she puts her hand gently on the mess of bandages that is my left hand. I only realize now that my left shoulder is aching from the awkward position it's in. I know it's probably not the best thing for it, but at the moment, there are more important things within reach. I wish I could hold her hand. Regardless, I feel happier than I've been in quite some time. Kira's ok, and I'm cuddled up to the most incredible girl I've ever met. Could things be finally getting back to normal? What is normal these days anyway? Will things ever really be normal again? I try to silence my thoughts as I softly rest my cheek on Sienna's head.

* * *

"Wow man, you might as well have woman written across your forehead, I don't remember the last time I say you this happy," Kira says as I enter the hospital room. I can feel myself beaming as I sit in the chair next to his bed. The room seems so empty now that the other two beds are unoccupied.

"You have no idea," I say letting out a dramatic sigh, "she's just… amazing."

"Haven't you only known her like a day?" Kira asks, laughing slightly. Normally I'd feel at least a little self conscious with Kira bugging me like this, but right now I don't even care.

"Love at first sight, man," I say, gazing up at the ceiling. I never believed in that statement until now. In fact, I never even thought about before. As much as I found myself attracted to Luna, I never considered loving her, and it's nothing compared to what I feel about Sienna. I'm probably just infatuated, but either way, it's a good feeling that I'm choosing not to question right now.

"Geez, I've never seen you like this before. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty convinced you were asexual for a while there," Kira laughs.

I raise my eyebrow at him, and attempt to give him a sarcastic glance. I'm unsuccessful however, seeing as how I can't wipe the large smirk off my face.

"Well," Kira begins in a teasing tone, "while you were on your little date, I've been bored out of my mind here! How did you survive two weeks here?"

"Let's just say I've done more homework in the last two weeks than I have since we got here."

Kira holds up his completely immobilized right arm, "think I'm out of luck there," he laughs.

"Kira, I know you're ambidextrous," I laugh

"Yeah, but the teachers don't!" I'm glad he's able to laugh.

"How are you feeling?" I ask him in a more serious tone. I had completely forgotten why I was here. I've been so wrapped up in my feelings about Sienna, I've basically escaped reality.

"Eh, not too bad. My knees kind of ache, but I suppose that's a good thing right? Means I'm getting the feeling back," Kira says staring at his legs.

"Yeah, I guess," I say. Guilt attempts to consume me once again, but Kira interrupts before I get a chance to hang my head.

"So, tell me about this girl, I'm not sure I approve just yet," Kira jokes.

"You don't get a say!" I laugh, "She's very… quiet I guess, but it's not awkward. It was her father's idea for her to enlist, not hers. It might just be because she just arrived, but she's a little more together than most of the girls here," I say seriously as Lunamaria comes to mind.

"Is she hot?" Kira asks bluntly in the most masculine manner I've ever heard from him.

I look him directly in the eye with a grin on my face, "what do you take me for? Of course she is."

"Just asking, Luna wasn't exactly…"

"Oh shut up! That was completely spur-of-the-moment!" I protest.

Kira laughs. "Well that expression hasn't left your face all day, you've thought about her a lot hey? So, when do I get to meet her?" He asks in a confident tone.

"Yeah right! I'm not bringing her down here. God only knows what you'll say to her!" I exclaim.

"Aw come on, I promise I'll be civil!" Kira pleads.

"No way man!" I reply, a triumphant smile on my face.

At that moment, Tieria enters the room. He wears an exhausted expression.

"Dude, you really need to start sleeping," I comment.

"Hey, it was your idea to load up on junk food and stay up all night last night; I'm not used to that!" Tieria shoots back laughing.

"Tieriaaaaaaaaa," Kira says in his best whining voice, "Athrun won't let me meet his new woman!"

"Oh, no need really, just imagine female Athrun, she's exactly like him. It kind of scared me at first," Tieria says, a confused look on his face.

"Do you think they're related?" Kira jokes

"Maybe… ew…" Tieria says, closing his eyes and cringing slightly.

"Guys!" I say loudly. Kira and Tieria are both laughing at this point.

"Don't worry, we won't judge you. What, with all the genetic enhancements these days you could probably avoid incestuous effects like extra arms and whatnot," Kira says.

"An extra arm might be useful if he's going to follow in your footsteps, Athrun," Tieria adds before I get a chance to get a word in.

"SERIOUSLY!" I yell. They're laughing hysterically to the point where they can hardly breathe now.

"Ugh, no more Athrun, it hurts to laugh," Kira says as his laughter begins to subside.

I can feel myself laughing slightly too. It's good to have Kira back, I haven't laughed like that in a while. Soon after, Monica enters the room in her light purple pajama pants and a white tank top.

"I just came to say good night. I'm going to bed," she says. She leans over Kira's bed and kisses him on the forehead.

She's been just as worried as I have. I don't know what we'd do if something happened to Kira, it's like our friendship would be incomplete. "I'm glad to see that you're ok, have a good sleep, Kira" she says quietly next to his ear. Kira's face glows red.

"You'd _all_ best be getting to bed," a nurse says interrupting our visit, "especially you, Mr. Yamato." She's hinting for us to leave. I find it slightly ironic that he wakes up the day after I am allowed to leave. I really wish I could spend more time talking to him, but I've come to learn that arguing with the nurses is useless.

"Ok, g'nite Kira," I say.

"Night," Tieria says awkwardly.

"Night guys," Kira says as the nurse basically pushes us out of the room.

Tieria, Monica and I walk down the hall. It's the first night we've left the room smiling. Tieria walks ahead slightly.

"Sienna really likes you," Monica says quietly to me.

"What?" I say, she catches me slightly off guard. How does she know this already?

"She says you're not like the other guys here at the academy. You aren't so hot-headed and full of yourself like the others, and you're kind," Monica says. I can feel my face turn red. "Between you and me, I don't think she's had much attention or affection in her life. She just seems so… so tortured. I think this could be a good thing for both of you."

"Well, I like her too," I say nervously.

"I'm glad," Monica says as she smiles and enters her dorm. "G'nite," she smiles sweetly before closing her door.

"Night…" I trail off. I then enter my own dorm.

I haven't had an easier time falling asleep in a long time.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, so its been a month since I last updated. I am sorry! But I've grown slightly frustrated with the lack of reviews... I honestly don't want to beg for reviews, nor do I feel like I should need to. But they do serve as great motivation. I know how many of you have subscribed and favorited. I put a ton of work into these chapters and I would greatly appreciate it if you could take 10 seconds out of your time and leave me a comment. I'm not going to bully you into reviewing by refusing to post, but as I said, it definitely helps motivate me to write. **

**Aside from that, I'd like to say that I've started a new story, called A world of Darkness. This centers around Athrun after sustaining an potentially permanent injury that leaves him blind. How do you think his girlfriend, Cagalli, and his friends would react? Check it out if your interested. **

**I only have a couple more chapters for this story written, and I'm almost finished. So it may take a bit of time to finish it off, but I'm curious, do you guys want to see a second story? I had planned it out... it was going to focus around the new team labeled in this chapter. It will play out a little more like a Gundam series, but still with my own little twists on it. And it will remain sort of AU... so it won't follow the exact story line the series did. What do you think?**

**Also, for anyone who knows about writing and such, I would like to know your take on different writing perspectives. I wrote this in first person, and the one I just posted is third person (I'm still working on finalizing the perspective). What do you guys prefer? And if I was to write a sequel for this story, what perspective would you like to see it in. **

**I appreciate your feedback. **

**Also, were gonna try the link to the Sienna picture one more time. As said, she was created by me, but drawn by Ark V. Check him out deviant art if your interested. **

The link is as follows... you'll have to take the spaces and breaks out of it, as it didn't work last time.

**.**

**com/art/**

**Sienna-142457901?g=gallery:ArkV/10355701&go=97**

**Thanks for reading!**


	26. Chapter 26: A Light in the Dark

**So I would like to start by thanking those of you who reviewed. It is greatly appreciated. I have allowed for anonymous reviews, so to those of you I could not reply to in message format, **

**Purpledove: Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far, and I will definitely continue it!**

**myperversities: Although I have nothing against M/M relationships, any pairings in this story will be M/F. Unfortunately email addresses don't show up in any kind of posts on this site. Nonetheless, thank you for your review. **

**

* * *

**

"So the ray of light passes through the barrier from a less dense to a more dense medium, causing the ray to bend towards the normal, this can be calculated…."

My mind wanders and I no longer even hear what Dr. Thow is rambling on about anymore. I'm sitting in class for the first time in almost 3 weeks, barely awake with my chin in the palm of my hand and my elbow resting on the desk. I was honestly looking forward to returning to class, then I remembered how boring Dr. Thow's voice is. I can feel my eyes oscillating between open and closed. Consciously making an effort to stay awake, I stare down at my empty notebook, twirling my pen in my hand, accidently leaving a trail of ink on my neck. I breathe a small sigh and lean back into my chair, rubbing my neck with my fingers in attempt to erase the line.

Tieria is sitting on the bench beside me, madly typing notes on his laptop about the 'fascinating' subject of Snell's law. Even if I could type, there's no way I'd be taking notes right now. However, at the moment I still don't have a choice since my arm is still utterly useless hanging annoyingly against my stomach in the sling. At least it gives me an excuse to ask Tieria for his notes. I hate writing notes by hand anyway. My shoulder on the other hand is profusely aching, as is my neck from having to support the weight of my arm all day.

Tieria shoots me a scolding glance, I'm sure he knew all too well that I would use my injury as an excuse to not take my own notes. He knows me way too well. I swear he's making a mental note to lecture me later on the topic. Maybe he'll teach me how to type with one hand.

I honestly am not worried in the slightest. If we are indeed sent out in the next month or two, none of this will matter anymore. I can't really see Snell's law coming up when we're in battle. Our lives as students will be over. I wonder if my body will be sufficiently healed by then. I'm not required to wear the shoulder brace anymore, but the sling is still necessary and I haven't made much improvement. Even Kira is making better progress than me.

I find my hand on my collarbone, touching the lump which is the newest addition to my skeletal system; a metal plate that holds the break together. I'm off the medication now, so I'm in the home stretch and I also don't feel as light headed anymore, but it still hurts and it doesn't feel as though it's getting any better. I guess I have myself to blame…

"And this, class, is what explains the phenomena of mirages," Dr. Thow says.

This catches my attention, and I look up at the image projected onto the overhead screen. My eyes greeted by numbers and angles. Ew.

"In the extreme heat, air lower to the ground is cooler and therefore more dense. As you know, more dense media has a larger index of refraction, causing it to bend the rays of light towards the normal, making it appear that the image of something such as a tree is inverted. The onlooker believes they are seeing a reflection, and therefore a pool of water."

* * *

"See you guys later," I wave goodbye to Tieria and Nicol who are off to their mobile suit training class. They're at the stage now where all it is is practice, and there isn't much point in me going. As the door closes, I glance up at the clock. I can't go see Kira for another hour, and I've done so much nothing in the past 3 weeks. Part of me just wants to crawl into bed and go back to sleep. But I've done too much of that recently too.

Nearly defeated, I head for the common room. To my delight, I glance into the room to find Sienna, lying on the floor with her head propped up in her hands, her elbows rested on the ground. She's faced away from the door, and she hovers over her textbook with notebooks sprawled on the floor in front of her.

I step out of sight, take a deep breath, and casually walk into the room, making enough noise to be noticed.

"Hey there," I say bravely as she turns to look at me. I grab an icepack from the freezer and sit down on the floor beside her.

"Hey Athrun," she says in a dull tone.

"What's up?" I ask curiously.

"Just trying to catch up on my academics. I'm so far behind and everything is so different from high school."

"Yeah, they tend to weed out the useless stuff so it goes by a lot faster. What are you working on?" I ask, leaning over her shoulder to see what she's doing. "Can I help?"

She looks at me and then turns her textbook so I can read it. I can see her watching me out of the corner of my eye as I read. I suddenly feel self conscious.

"It's conservation of energy and momentum. I've never done physics before. Monica lent me her notes, but I still don't really understand it."

I suppose this is an invitation to help her. I quickly read over the question she's working on; I've done this so many times before, but I don't want to make it seem too easy. "Can I see your pencil?"

As she hands it to me, her hand lightly brushes against mine. I lean in, letting the ice pack fall off my shoulder and onto the floor, and begin jotting down equations and filling in numbers. I take her calculator and quickly come up with an answer.

"Ok, so you just have to take into account that energy in the system is conserved, but some is lost to friction. So any potential energy you had will either be lost to friction or converted to kinetic energy." I stop, but she still looks confused. She giggles nervously, and I smile at her. How can I make her understand?

"Ok, so if I hold the pencil up high, it only has potential energy. Since its not moving, there's no kinetic energy, right?" She nods her head and seems to understand. "When I drop it, it picks up speed due to the acceleration of gravity. As it falls, the potential energy is converted to kinetic energy. Just before it hits the ground, all of that potential energy is either converted to kinetic energy or lost to friction. Energy can't just disappear; that's Newton's first law: Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed. Do you understand?" I ask hesitantly.

"Yeah, I think so. So this problem, I can solve for the potential energy by finding the kinetic energy and the energy lost by friction?" She asks.

"Yep, not so bad hey?" I grin at her. I feel my face contort a little as I massage my left shoulder. She's not dumb, she's just never been taught this before.

"Wow, thanks. So are you in one of the higher academic classes then?"

"Um, yeah. Same one as Monica," I blush modestly.

"Wow, so you're just good at everything then hey?" She giggles. "I know who to ask next time I'm stuck then."

"Yeah, anytime," I offer.

She leans forward to look at the next problem and I'm able to see slightly down her low cut shirt. Although she is very small, she isn't exactly short on anything in that department. I feel my face flush and force myself to look away.

It takes me a second to realize that my hand is on the back of my neck massaging it and my face is twisted with a twinge of agony.

"Are you ok?" She asks, noticing this just as I do.

"Yeah," I say, attempting to untwist my face, "just sore."

"Do you mind if I try something?" She asks, her eyes lighting up a little.

"Um, ok," I say questioningly. I couldn't say no, no matter what it is after seeing the bright look on her face. Her smile is beautiful. She grins at me before standing up and running out of the room. Where could she be going? I intently watch the door, awaiting her return.

She returns about a minute later with what look like a long blue bean bag in her hands. She grabs a pillow off the couch and sits down in front of me. She puts the pillow in my lap, gently lifting my arm comfortably on top of it.

"What are you –" I begin.

"It's something I learned in one of my nursing courses," she says.

She reaches around my neck and begins to untie the knot in my sling. I look closely at her face as she sets her eyes on the side of my neck. She has very clear, radiant skin; almost like you would see on the girls in one of those face product commercials. Her hair brushes lightly against my cheek, and I can smell her shampoo. Between that and her fingers on the back of my neck, I shiver and twitch slightly.

She giggles a bit, "sorry, does that tickle? Are you ok?" She asks, successful with the knot and dropping the sling to the ground.

"You don't have to do this. Really, I'm ok," I insist, although thoroughly enjoying it.

"Just relax, it'll feel nice," she says, moving in behind me. I have no doubt about that, as any kind of physical contact with her feels amazing.

She begins lightly massaging the back of my utterly tense neck and shoulders, being careful to avoid my collar bone. I sigh and allow my shoulders to relax a little.

"Feel nice?" She asks, bringing her face close to my ear.

"Mmm you have no idea."

Her touch makes my entire body tingle. I quickly become very grateful for the pillow in my lap.

After a few minutes, she stops massaging and places the bean bag around my neck, letting it hang over my shoulders. The heat and the lavender smell are extremely relaxing and rejuvenating. She pulls my hoodie around my shoulders, and then moves to sit next to me.

"Athrun," she begins, "thank you for being so nice to me. It's difficult being new."

"What? Of course. Why wouldn't I be nice?"

"Well, the other guys in the group, Yzak and his friends…"

"Don't worry about them, they picked on me too. When Tieria was new, they bothered him too; that was, until he beat Yzak in martial arts," I laugh.

"Tieria came late too? Was he behind in everything too?"

"Well, no. Actually, he was pretty much ahead in everything." I laugh casually, "the guy is pretty much a genius."

"Oh, I haven't really talked to him before. Good at everything hey? It must be nice," she says longingly.

"Actually, not firearms. He couldn't shoot at all."

"Neither can I," Sienna says, hanging her head.

"I could teach you? I don't know how much of a help I'll be like this," I gesture towards my shoulder, "but I can try?" I offer.

"Really?" Her eyes light up again.

"How about later this evening?" I ask boldly, without even thinking.

"That would be great!" She says excitedly.

I too am excited; excited at the prospect of getting to spend more time with her.

* * *

"You've got that look on your face again," Kira says to me as I enter the infirmary and sit beside his bed.

I smile boastfully.

"When do I get to meet her?" Kira demands.

"Hmm, perhaps after you SWEAR that you won't embarrass me?" I joke.

"Psh! No deal!" Kira laughs, "That' the best friend's job! To embarrass you in front of your girlfriend!"

"Guess you'll be waiting till you get out of here then," I laugh.

"Oh yeah, check it out!" Kira says, pointing to the bottom of his bed. I glance down to see him moving his feet under the sheets.

"Kira! That's great! Can you walk yet?" I ask eagerly.

"Not for another few weeks. Something about some bone that's like, broken or something," Kira laughs cluelessly.

"You're spine?" I ask, surprised, but laughing.

"Yeah! That's the one! Whatever, who would have thought you needed a spine to walk?" He laughs.

I laugh with him for what seems like hours. I feel like I'm on cloud 9. I'm happy.

It's not long before Tieria and Monica join us, and the four of us crowd around Kira's bed and engage in a not so quiet game of scrabble. Every chance Kira get, he throws out a swear word, some of which I'm not even convinced are real words.

Following the first game, I excuse myself from the room and head for the snack bar. As I approach the almost empty area, I catch a glimpse of an all too familiar head of blonde hair. Mu sits with his back to me, reading a newspaper and drinking what I assume to be a coffee.

"Hey, Commander," I say, walking past him to the counter. "Can I get a clubhouse on whole wheat please?" I mumble to the woman at the counter.

"Hey Kiddo," Mu says to me without looking up from his newspaper. Wow he knows my voice or my presence that well…

I pay for my sandwich and sit down across the table from him.

"Good to see you eating solid food again," he says, folding up his newspaper. "How's the shoulder?"

"Uhh, it's ok," I reply, taking a bite into the triple layered sandwich.

"Good to hear. Kira's healing extraordinarily quickly. To think that a week ago we weren't even sure if he would wake up. Thank God for genetic engineering hey?"

I'm not quite sure how to respond to that statement. It makes me think of Hylas. I remain silent for a moment.

"So it's almost been made official. The team of you, Kira, Tieria and Shinn," Mu says in a serious tone. "How are you feeling about it?"

I put my sandwich down and lower my head slightly. "I don't know," I say honestly, "I'm not sure that I'm ready."

Mu leans back in his chair, "no one ever is," he replies. "You're fortunate that you have some experience. Not to mention you'll be with your friends."

I swallow the lump in my throat that has nothing to do with my sandwich. "Even so, I feel like everyone else is more prepared than I am. They all seem a little more stable and sure of themselves."

"I can think of a few reasons," Mu says, leaning forward again. "First, people are good at hiding their true feelings. Second, you've been through quite a bit more than the others recently, which leads me to my third point. Because of all that you've experienced, you've been forced to mature ahead of schedule. That isn't necessarily a bad thing though. What the military does to people; its sick, really. They figure that if they recruit people at a young enough age, they can dehumanize them before they mature properly. It's difficult enough as it is, being a teenager. While you're trying to grow into an adult, they try to repress it and transform you into a merciless fighting machine. It's difficult to find balance. You either go out there as that killing machine, or you go out there as the opposite, you hesitate and you die. There is a fine line between the two, and very few soldiers ever find it. However, those that do, make the best soldiers, and they have the greatest chance of survival."

"What are you trying to say?" I ask him, staring him directly in the eye.

"Since the day I met you, I believed that you could find that balance, I think Kira has already found it. Tieria, I'm not sure about, and I think it's safe to say that Shinn is well on his way to becoming that mindless killing machine. Ultimately, where you end up is up to you.

* * *

I lay on my bed in the dark dorm with my right arm behind my head, staring up at the ceiling. It's been an overwhelming day. Following my conversation with Mu, I met up with Sienna at the firing range, but that was less than the light event I had hoped for. Not to say it turned out badly, I learned a lot about her, but it did nothing for my already tense mood.

The scene plays itself over in my mind…

"_So if you hold it like this, keep his arm straight, and use this one as a guide," I say to her, moving around her and making small adjustments. "Also make sure you keep both eyes open. People have this idea that you're supposed to close one, but your focus is off without both. _

"_Ok, so like this?" she asks, holding the gun properly. _

_I stand beside her, putting my arm around hers and moving it slightly to the left. "Yep, give it a try."_

_She fires off a few rounds, and manages to hit near the center of the target each time. _

"_Nice! Now you just need practice."_

"_Athrun," she says, lowering her gun and pulling the earmuffs off her ears, "I'm sorry, I know you must get this all the time, but what's it like being the son of the chairman?"_

_I put the earmuffs down that I had been previously holding to my right ear and stare down at the counter. Finally I look up at her, "You really want to know about my family life?" I sigh. _

"_If you don't mind sharing," she says, clearly unaware of the darkness she's about to enter. _

"_Wanna go grab a drink from the snack bar?" I ask. _

"_Ok."_

_I buy two water bottles and place one in front of her. _

"_Thanks," she says. "So what's your father like? My Dad's always spoken highly of him."_

"_Is that why you're friends with me?" I ask, smiling slightly. _

"_What? No!" _

"_I'm joking. It's not what you would think. He's always busy so I never saw much of him when I was growing up. When I did, and even now, he's just distant. _

"_Oh," she says, finally realizing it's not really a positive situation, "well you must have a really nice house!" She's trying to lighten the mood now. _

"_It was, but after my mother died and I started here, my father sold it. I only see him now for business purposes."_

"_Were you and your mother close? I had no idea, I'm sorry."_

"_It's fine. But yeah, we were close. No offence, but your dad had to be either a bit of a prick or totally oblivious to think highly of my father," I sigh. _

_Sienna drops her head, "oblivious, I don't know, but a bit of a prick is an understatement."Her mood shifts completely, and I feel as though I'm about to enter her world of darkness. _

"_Why do you say that? I ask. She's grown very quiet and far more timid than usual. She lets her hair fall over her face as though she's going to cry. _

"_Sienna?"_

_She throws her head back and fans her teary eyes with her hand. "I'm sorry," she says. _

"_Are you ok? We don't have to talk about this right now."_

"_No, it's ok. I just don't tell many people this so it's hard. The story I told you before about my dad wasn't completely true. He was a pilot and he was injured in his prime. After that he started drinking, and well, he never really stopped. He didn't start getting violent until I was 10 or 11. That was part of why I came here, I needed to get away. _

"_But didn't your mother try to stop him?" I ask, appalled. _

"_No, she could never stand up to him."_

"_But… he hurt you?" I ask, afraid to hear the answer. _

_Sienna pulls back her hair, and I'm able to see a long scar at the back of her neck, running beneath her shirt. "I was 13," she says. She looks again like she might cry. _

_I have no clue what to say. Instead I take her hand in mine, standing up, and I pull her into a hug. It feels inadequate with only one arm, my left still completely useless, but she hugs back and sobs into my shoulder. _

"_It's ok, you're safe now," I say, but she only cries harder. _

_I don't know where it comes from, but it's as though I don't have control over what I'm saying anymore. "I won't let him hurt you ever again, I promise." _

I return to reality once more, staring at the ceiling. It all makes sense now, why she's so timid. She was abused. How did I not see it before? Something had to happen to make you like that. I saw it in Tieria too when I first met him.

I promised to protect her from him, and I have no idea how I'm going to go about doing that, but I have to do my best. I wouldn't wish that fate upon anyone.

Who am I kidding; I'm leaving in a few weeks. There's a chance I'll never see her again. I've become so attached to her in the last couple of weeks that I'd completely forgotten that I'll be leaving. I feel terrible. And I haven't even told her.

My thoughts are interrupted as Tieria enters the room and turns on the lights. I lift my arm to shield my eyes.

"Athrun? Why are you laying in the dark? Did it not go well with Sienna?" He walks over to my bed.

"No, its not that, its just…"

"What is it?" He asks.

"I sit up and look down at him, "Tieria, she was abused."

He doesn't reply. He obviously had seen what I did not.

"You knew?" I ask him.

"It may have crossed my mind…" he says, "but she's not the only one I considered to that matter. Athrun, were you ever abused?"

I wrack my brain quietly. I think back to the day in the conference room, and then back to the night under the ministry.

"Aside from him shooting me, he hit me once. But other than that, no. Not physically anyway. It was more neglect than anything," I confess. Tieria's smarter than I give him credit for. For someone who hasn't had a whole lot of human contact, he can read people well.

"Hmm, I see. It doesn't seem like there are too many people here who lead a normal life, hey?" He smiles.

"I guess. If I had a normal life, I can't say I'd really want to be here," I say lightly.

"The doctor wants to see you before you go to bed by the way," he says, changing the subject before it gets too dark. "He didn't say why, but you should go down there."

"Yeah, right," I mumble.

Tieria is about to leave the room again when he turns back, "Hey Athrun, quit brooding so much. It's bad for your emotional well being," he laughs.

"Hey! You're one to talk!" I laugh, carefully climbing down off my bed.

* * *

**A/N: So I must have been in a physics class when I originally wrote this, and since I no longer remember much physics, I'm going to have to hope I had the right idea, and none of these facts are wrong. I took that physics class almost two years ago... **

**That being said, I hate to admit that this is the last chapter I had typed up previously. They were in a notebook at first, then they were typed and heavily edited with some stuff added. I have started writing the final chapter(s), but they aren't complete yet. Hopefully I will get them done in a timely manner. Give me some motivation via reviews perhaps? **

**As far as I know, I will be writing a sequel, but it could take some time, as I've been working on another Gundam Seed story (called A World of Darkness). I will likely be posting some polls on my page in the near future, so keep your eye out for that! **

**Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! Reviews are HUGELY appreciated. **

**I would also like to take this opportunity to thank Meyrin-x-ZAFTgirl for officially being my most loyal fan and biggest supporter! All you readers who don't review, you owe it to this lovely young lady for all my speedy updates (even if they weren't so speedy sometimes). She faithfully reviewed each chapter and motivated me to keep on going. So a huge thank you to you Meyrin-x-ZAFTgirl! (hopefully you don't change your user name between now and the time people actually read this). **

**Also, if you find yourself bored and in the world of fanfiction, please check out my latest story called A World of Darkness. It is also an angsty Athrun story. **

**Thanks for reading! **


	27. Chapter 27: Preparations

"Hey Athrun, fire, wake up!" I hear a voice but hardly comprehend what its saying.

"Mr. Yamato!" A female voice scolds. "There's no fire, Mr. Zala. Take your time waking up."

"Aw that's no fun!" I recognize the male voice to be Kira's.

I slowly open my eyes, but close them again quickly. It's like it's happening all over again. I hate waking up in this hospital. It brings back painful memories… literally and figuratively. At least this time, it's Kira who's waking me up.

"How do you feel?" Kira asks me.

"Tired," I mumble. My head begins to clear and I remember why I'm here. "Why does anesthetic mess with your memory?"

"Because the phosphoric compounds react with some of the beta globulins in your temporal lobe," Kira says.

"Right…"

"I made that up."

"I know."

I just underwent reconstructive surgery on my hand. The tendons which they had been re-grown were to be reattached, and I assume it was successful as I haven't heard otherwise. Now the easy part is over, and I have to actually work to retrain my hand. But I still get to be handicapped for a few more days while it heals up a bit.

"Well, do you feel… fixed?" Kira pushes.

"I don't know. What does fixed feel like?"

"I dunno, I guess I can tell you in a few days," Kira laughs. He's still bedridden, but he's making good progress, and he should be out within the week. "When is Sienna coming down to see you?"

"She's not. I told her not to come down here while I'm in the same room as you."

"WHAT? It's been almost a month and I STILL haven't met her!"

"Yep, and I tend to keep it that way for as long as possible," I smirk. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately, and I'm a little uncertain of our 'status.' The last thing I need is Kira messing things up with his idiotic comments.

"You know, the longer you deprive me, the more time I have to recollect embarrassing stories about you."

"I really wish you'd lost your memory in that accident."

Kira laughs at me. If he had been awake the last time I was in here, those two weeks would have been much, much easier to bear.

The nurse reenters the room and Kira ceases joking.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Zala?" She asks.

"Uh, I feel alright," I reply, not really sure how I'm supposed to be feeling right now. In all honesty I'm feeling like I don't want to be here. I'm sick of this room.

"Well if you're feeling a bit drowsy, that's normal. The surgery didn't take as long as expected, and your friend woke you up before the anesthesia completely wore off." She's now collecting things from a cabinet across the room.

"So, does that mean the surgery was successful?" I ask anxiously.

"As far as we can tell, yes. We won't know for sure until you begin rehabilitation therapy, but everything has worked up until now." She pulls a chair up to the side of the bed with a basin of bottles and bandages.

"We're going to keep you here for the night, but assuming there are no complications, you can leave in the morning and even go into town with everyone else tomorrow." I catch Kira's eye, and he looks envious.

Sienna already approached me about going into town tomorrow. The girls are going to shop for the graduation ceremony. It is to be similar to the last one, with a dinner and such, and the girls of course are looking forward to dressing up again.

"So I'm going to clean and dress the wound, and tentatively, we're going to have you keep it splinted for probably seven days, then we'll see about beginning your therapy."

"Right," I mumble. I'm tired of hearing this kind of thing. My collar bone is pretty well healed, and once my hand is healed, I'm going to put forth a great amount of effort into not hurt myself again for a long time.

I feel my face twist in disgust as she finishes. My index and middle fingers, hand and wrist are splinted and wrapped in thick bandages almost up to my elbow. I guess it's for the best; it will be worth it when I can use my hand again. I can't wait for this all to be over.

* * *

That evening, Nicol, Tieria and myself crowd around Kira's bed and play cards while sipping on hot chocolate. Everything has been so tense lately and it feels good to just spend a relaxing evening with friends. Though it would be far nicer if we weren't in a hospital room, this is the best we can do for now.

"I think we need to find a new card game," Nicol comments, looking at Kira's excited face as he lays down a hand adding up to 42.

"Yeah, he's never really grasped the concept of black jack. Good thing we've never played for money," I laugh.

"Kira, what _do_ you know how to play?" Tieria asks.

"Ummmm. Oh! That one game with the pairs. I think it had something to do to do with Tuna?"

"What are you talking about?" Tieria says with a confused look on his face.

"Go Fish?" Nicol asks.

"Yeah! That's the one. Why did I think of Tuna?"

The four of us laugh as though without a care in the world.

Then we hear a knock at the door.

"That's weird, the nurses usually don't knock. They don't care about invasion of privacy," Kira says.

I get up to answer it, only to find the last person I ever would have expected standing at the door. Shinn is standing there looking… well, human. His hair is flattened in a meek manner, his eyes hold no hatred or signs of betrayal, and he's holding a large bag of potato chips in his hands.

"Would it be ok if I joined you guys?"

"You brought food? Of course it's ok!" Kira spouts loudly.

I stare at him cautiously for a moment, and then I feel myself break into a smile. "Come on in." I hold the door open for him as he enters and pulls up a chair. Tieria moves over to make room for him.

"So Shinn, do you have a date for the ceremony next weekend?" Nicol asks, kicking off the conversation as Tieria deals the cards.

"Um, no, not yet," Shinn says shyly. "What about you?" He asks Nicol.

"Yep," He winks.

"Athrun?" Nicol asks.

"Yep," I reply. "Tieria, do you?"

Tieria simply looks up at me and grins. "Perhaps."

"What? You guys all have dates?" Kira jumps up enviously. "Tieria? You have a date? I've never even seen you speak to a girl!"

Tieria doesn't say anything, he just smirks. Even I've never seen him with a girl before.

"Shinn, wanna be my date?" Kira asks, putting Shinn, who doesn't quite understand Kira's jokes, in an awkward spot.

"Uhhh," Shinn mumbles.

"He's joking, don't worry about it," I say.

"No I'm not! I'm seriously going to be the only one without a date!"

"You can do better than him," Tieria says to Shinn.

"Hey!" Kira yells.

We actually manage to laugh and have a pretty decent evening with Shinn in our presence. Maybe that means all will go well when the four of us are sent out together. Though, I am beginning to feel sorry for leaving Nicol behind. He doesn't seem too torn up about it though.

"I fold," says Nicol.

"Me too," Shinn throws his cards in.

"Yep," Kira says.

"I'm still in," Tieria says.

"Sure, I'll call," I laugh.

"Ok, let's put a different wager on this hand. I'm getting tired of it always coming down to you two," Kira says authoritatively. "So here's what were gonna do. Tieria, if you win, Athrun has to wear your pink cardigan into town tomorrow."

"Wait a se-" I begin.

"BUT!" He interrupts me, "If Athrun wins, Tieria you have to wear a pair of skate shoes AND your hair in a ponytail tomorrow. It won't be as fun for me since I don't get to go with you, but you have to come down and show me before you leave."

Tieria has a horrified look on his face. I've only ever see him tie his hair back once, and it was when he was injured and attempting to eat without getting his hair in his food.

"Fine," he says to my surprise. He looks at me, awaiting my response.

As if I have a choice. But why this hand? I'm totally bluffing!

* * *

The next morning I'm permitted to leave the hospital, and I hurry upstairs to get ready for the trip into town. I feel bad for leaving Kira, and as much as I know he doesn't want to be alone, he urges me to go. He understands that I only have so much time left to spend with Sienna. One thing that kills me is our team's departure which is to take place in only three weeks time, has not been announced, and therefore Sienna doesn't know. It might be good since it will be less painful this way, but it doesn't make it an easier on me. We're getting so attached and we're going to forced to separate so soon. I can't help but wonder if she'll be mad when she finds out.

"Ahem."

As I'm just about to leave Kira, I turn to see Tieria standing in the doorway of the hospital room. To my horror, his awful pink cardigan is hanging off his outstretched index finger.

Kira bursts into laughter.

I feel my face flush. Damn, I forgot about that bet.

"You know what; I'm going to rock this cardigan. No one will even know I lost a bet."

Kira continues to laugh.

"It looks better with a dress shirt," Tieria mutters.

"No, Tieria, it really doesn't." I say, turning around and rifling through Kira's bedside drawer.

"Hey, what are you doing?" He asks.

All of his clothing has been moved down into his room since he woke up, not that he wears much other than pajamas. I manage to find what I'm looking for, and with some difficulty due to the uselessness of my hand, I pull my sweater off, and pull on a white, fairly high cut v-neck tee from Kira's drawer.

"Give me that," I say to Tieria, as he hands me the cardigan.

"You're lucky I like my clothing large, otherwise it would look like you stole that off a girl," Tieria comments as I pull the atrocious looking thing on.

"I did steal it off a girl," I say.

Tieria simple sneers at me.

"Wow, I didn't know you had any sense of style, Athrun," Kira says to me. I'm not sure if he's being sarcastic or not, but I don't think it looks that bad.

* * *

"Nice cardigan," Sienna says as I meet her down in the entrance hall. Again, I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or not.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"What?"

"Never mind, "I laugh. She doesn't seem too bothered by it.

"How'd the surgery go?" She asks.

"Fine, I think," I say, holding out my largely bandaged hand to her.

During the bus ride into town, Sienna cuddles up to my right side and stares out the window. People have stopped giggling and whispering behind our backs, and I suppose that sort of makes us officially an 'item.'

I don't really know where we're at right now; all I know is that I'm enjoying what little time I have to spend with her. I'm just worried that she'll be mad when she finds out I'm leaving and that I let us get so attached despite that fact. I could always tell her I found out very recently, which _is_ half true. No, I can't lie to her. I don't know why I'm going to say to her.

By the time we get to the mall, my brain is exhausted, and I still have no answers. Oh well, I suppose I'll have to just let it play out.

"You coming?" Nicol says to Tieria as we climb off the bus.

"You guys go on ahead. I'll catch up," he says, pulling out his lighter.

I can't help but notice that he's been smoking like a chimney lately. I guess he knows he won't be able to do it much longer. It's not like he'll be allowed when we're on the ship. I've never really understood why he does it, but I guess he has his reasons. I choose not to argue it anymore, as it seems to be one of the few things that bring him happiness. I've been so wrapped up in my own affairs lately that I haven't really been there for him as he has for me. I make a mental note to fix that. I glance back at him as we enter the mall, and nods and smiles. Sienna takes my hand in hers and drags me onward.

"So, after we eat, we're going to have to ditch you guys," Sienna says to me as we all sit down for lunch.

"What?" I ask curiously.

"We need go to shop for our dresses!" She giggles along with the other girls. "And you guys don't get to see them till next weekend!"

She sounds so excited, I can't help but smile.

"You know what that means," Nicol says, "video game store!"

We all laugh.

"Athrun," Sienna whispers to me.

"Yeah," I reply, giving her my full attention.

"Do you think you and I could take some time alone this afternoon when we get back? There's somewhere I want to show you."

"Uh, sure," I reply, a little intrigued.

* * *

"Where are we going?" I ask curiously.

"You'll see," Sienna giggles. She jumps in front of me and positions herself to my right, taking my hand in hers.

I nervously interlace my fingers with hers and smile down at her, "Since when do you know the academy better than I do? I've never been this way!"

It's a beautiful afternoon; a sign that summer is upon us. The sun is starting to dip lower, but it's surprisingly warm out. The air smells like freshly cut grass; it smells sort of… peaceful. It seems a little out of place at the academy.

"Monica showed it to me. She said you'd like it."

Monica knows me too well. I'm glad Sienna isn't threatened at all by my friendship with her. The two of them seem to have become close friends.

Hmm, interesting. We continue to walk through the field, and we approach the dense forest to which I've never been. "Are you sure this is the right way?"

"Of course, Silly. Are you scared?" She teases.

"Absolutely terrified," I say to her with a sarcastic smile.

"Well you should be. Haven't you heard the stories about the zombie zaku? The one that became conscious and disappeared into this forest?" she says, trying to hold back her laughter.

"The zombie Zaku? Where do you come up with this stuff?" I laugh, taking back my hand and playfully poking her side. I know from past experiences that she's extremely ticklish.

"Ahhh! It's true!" She squeals, instinctively jumping away from me. She laughs and comes at me.

"Hey! Watch it I'm still injured!" I laugh, lifting my left hand high into the air, gasping as I tweak my collar bone slightly.

"Aw you're no fun!" she pouts. "You're so fragile!"

"I'm sorry," I say, a little more seriously.

"I'm joking! There's no one I'd rather be around; no matter how breakable you are." She smiles, slipping her left arm around my waist. "Are you alright?" she says, a concerned expression on her face as she looks up to me.

"Yeah, it's just a little sore still," I say, placing my arm around her tiny shoulders. It reminds me a bit of the first day I spoke with her. I had done what I could to keep Yzak's group from hassling her.

"We're almost there!" she says excitedly. I don't really care where were going, as long as I'm with Sienna.

We pass through a break in the forest, and my jaw drops to the ground. In front of me is the most beautiful setting I've ever seen. A calm lake is surrounded by a grassy field with the perfect array of trees scattered about it. The water is still as it reflects the perfectly clear, cloudless blue sky. I hear birds chirping and cicadas buzzing. It's perfect; almost as perfect as the girl standing beside me.

"You like it?" Sienna says staring up at me. She smiles sweetly.

"It's incredible," I say, still staring out at the magnificent scene. How did I not know about this place? Sure it was a good twenty minute walk, but still, I jog around here all the time.

"Monica says it's where she comes to think," Sienna says, leading me forward.

"No wonder she's so smart." I still can't take my eyes off the glass like lake.

Sienna leads me to a sunny patch of grass just beyond the shore of the lake. She pulls a blanket out of her large bag and spreads it on the grass. She sits down and crosses her legs, then reaches out to take my hand. I sit down beside her, still glancing out at the water.

"It's so relaxing here," I say mindlessly.

"I know. That's kind of why I brought you here. I thought you could use it, you've been through a lot…" Sienna trails off in a saddened tone.

I finally peel my eyes away from the lake and glance upon a more beautiful scene. Sienna looks up at me, and instantly my heart breaks. I wish more than anything that I didn't have to leave her. I've never felt better with anyone. It's like just being with her makes all the pain in the world disappear. I don't know what I'll do without her.

"Are you ok?" she asks.

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking."

"Well don't think. Live in the moment. Right now, were here in this beautiful place; don't think about the sad stuff." She says, brushing my hair out of my eyes and off my face. I feel strangely exposed, but it's surprisingly not a bad feeling. I stare deep into her light green eyes. I am home.

"Why do you hide your eyes like that, Athrun. They're so beautiful, so spectacular. I've never seen anything like them." I watch her eyes as they shift, looking first at my right, then my left eye. For as long as I can remember I've had long hair that's covered my eyes. It's a security thing I guess.

"I think I feel less exposed. If I hide my eyes maybe I can hide all of me," I confess. If anyone is going to understand, it's her.

"Well you don't need to hide from me," she says as she runs her fingers through my bangs, forcing them to the left of my face. She continues to stare deep into my eyes.

"It seems like whenever someone looks at me, all they see is Patrick Zala's son. I knew it would be bad when I signed up, but it's always been difficult."

"You don't have to explain it to me," she says, leaning backwards. She pulls her hoodie over her head. "I know what it's like to want to hide." She wears a white tank top under her sweater. While many of the girls wear sleeveless shirts for training, I've never seen Sienna wear one before. I think I know why. The scar on her neck is in plain sight to me. She knows I'm staring at it.

"When I was younger; and even now, my father drank a lot. Maybe it was just because I didn't realize it before, but I was ten when I discovered that my mother had no control over him. My father would drink, and with alcohol, violence would come. As soon as I smelled it, I would run and hide. One night my mother refused to comply with one of his demands, and he yelled and screamed like I'd never heard before. Finally I couldn't stand the sound of my mother crying anymore so I went downstairs. In his rage, he threw me across the kitchen and I landed on a burning element. I ended up with a broken arm and a concussion as well as the burn. While the other two healed, I know the scar will never go away." Sienna stares down at the blanket, and I don't know what to say. "My mother was always a weak woman. I felt bad for her when I was young, but now I resent her for letting it happen to me. As much as I'm sure she felt trapped, I know she could have helped me. I know she was always afraid of tearing our family apart, but what she couldn't do tore us apart more." She went silent for a moment. My heart wrenches. She looks up at me, an optimistic look on her face, "but if there's one positive thing to come from it, it's that it's made a stronger person. I know it might not seem like it, but I'll never be like her."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Even after she was chronically abused she's able to move on and bring something positive from it. I feel pathetic, weak, and useless. It's my turn to hang my head in shame.

"You have a similar story, don't you?" She asks. I've never told her about the nightmare that continues to haunt me almost every time I close my eyes. But even that doesn't seem to compare. That only happened recently, but I've been weak all my life.

"My father has never been a kind person, but it wasn't until a few months ago that I would go as far as to call him evil. I know rumors float around the academy about a certain event, but I've only told a few people the real truth." She looks up at me intrigued. I'm nervous, I don't know why. I can feel myself sweating and I take off my sweater.

"Don't feel like you have to tell me, Athrun." she says, looking nervous as well.

"Before Tieria came to the academy, another boy shared our dorm, Hylas. From the day I met him, he was always a little behind the rest of us. He had told me his parents had died when he was little, but I later found out that it wasn't true. I took it upon myself to protect him and help him in any way that I could; he was like a younger brother. While all four of us were like family, Hylas was something different. Taking care of him made me feel like I was worth something; a feeling I've never really felt. Then he got sick. But it wasn't the kind of sickness that coordinators could catch, it was pneumonia. He came and confessed to me that he was a natural. His parents had had him engineered as a coordinator, but something went wrong in the process. To a DNA test, he was still a coordinator, but he didn't possess any of the enhancements that make us what we are. My father immediately set out a warrant for his arrest, and we did what we could to get him out of here. Once he was gone, my father had me arrested because he knew I was associated with him. He had me tortured, trying to pry his location out of me, while he watched the entire thing. When I wouldn't say where he was, he pointed a gun at me and threatened me with my life." I pull the shoulder of my shirt down, showing her my own scar, "like you, I have a scar that will never heal. Every time I close my eyes I see that night. It never goes away."

"Athrun, I had no idea," she says, a shocked expression on her face.

"Naturally, how could you?" I say.

"It's very honorable that you didn't give up your friend's location though," she says.

"Not really. I didn't know it. I still don't know it."

She moves closer to me and puts her hand on my scarred shoulder. "You have no control over what your father does. He did a horrible thing to you, and that can't ever be changed. All you can do now is move forward. There are people who care so much about you, Athrun. Kira, Nicol, Tieria, Monica, myself; we're all here for you. Let us be your family. Cut yourself off from that world and live in the now. We're in the middle of a war; who knows when things might change forever. Life's too short to linger on past events. You're here for a reason right? You're here to protect the ones you love and care about. Serve your purpose, do your best, and be yourself no matter what people say or do to you. Don't let anyone or anything bring you down."

I feel tears in my eyes as I stare into hers. She gets up on her knees and wraps her arms around me. I too wrap my arms around her. "Thank you," I whisper into her hear. She hugs tighter.

After what seems like forever, she pulls away and smiles happily at me. "Let's go down to the water, shall we?" She says, pulling on my right arm. I smile and nod in agreement, and like a child, she pulls me down the small beach area at the mouth of the lake.

"Come on, take your shoes off!" She says, already throwing her shoes up onto the shore and rolling up her jeans.

"Sure, I'm coming. Just give me a sec," I say, sitting down on the sand to undo my shoes. I watch her as she runs into the water, hopping over waves. I've never met a more incredible person. She can share my experiences, and she understands, but she's so strong. It gives me hope, hope that someday I'll be able to be like her. She's overcome so many difficult times in her life, and she's become who I see today. It's amazing. If one day, I become even half of what she is, I will die a happy person.

I think of Kira and Nicol and Tieria and Lacus. They too are amazing people. I'm so blessed to have friends like them. All of a sudden, things don't look so dark. I've spent so much time dwelling on what I don't have, that I forgot to cherish what I do have. I have the best friends in the world. And that's all I need.

* * *

**A/N: Ahh I'm sorry this took so long! But as I'm nearing the end of this story, I don't want to post something I'm not completely happy with. **

**I plan on writing one more chapter for this story, and then I'd like to start a sequel. (Actually, I've already started it).**

**Now, on top of being completely overwhelmed with school/work/anime(LOL), I'm currently way over my head with stories, I've got several going on here already, and several I haven't posted. So basically how it's going to work, is I'm going to focus on the ones with the most interest. Obviously I'm going to finish the last chapter, but if you want to see a sequel, show your interest by REVIEWING! (and by the way, I'm getting lots of love from the D. Gray man fandom) SHOW YOUR SUPPORT PLEASE!**

**And I have a poll on my profile for whether or not you'd like to see a sequel for this. **

**Sorry if there's spelling errors, I just wanted to get this up!**

**THANKS FOR READING! Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long, but again, I'm not going to post it till I'm completely happy with it! **

**PS.. the pink cardigan was for you, M-x-Zg!**

**And I greatly appreciate all the anonymous reviews! Keep it up guys! THANK YOU!**


	28. Chapter 28: Celebrations

**THIS IS NOT THE FINAL CHAPTER!**

**I know I had said that I only intended to post one more chapter, but when I hit page 20 of said final chapter and was no where near the end, I decided to post a part of it since I haven't posted in SO long. I'm sorry it's taken me so long, but you get an extra chapter! So be happy! I wasn't completely satisfied with this chapter, but its sort of an intermission? I can't think of a better word. It doesn't have the ending I would like, but it will work for now while I finish the rest of the story. **

* * *

"I dunno Kira, what do you think?"

"What? Sorry, I wasn't listening. Tell me the story again?"

"I've been talking for the last 5 minutes! You mean to say you haven't listened to a word I've said?"

"Sorry, when was the last time _you_ had to focus this hard on _walking_?"

"Right, sorry," I say, lying back down, head resting on my right elbow.

Kira is standing next to the wall holding onto a bar that looks a lot like the ones ballet dancers use to work on their balance. He's been undergoing intensive physical therapy in the last week to try to learn to walk again. I am currently stretched out on his bed across the room distracting him with my thoughts about Sienna.

"I heard you," he says seriously, "you're worried that when Sienna finds out that you're leaving, she'll be mad that you didn't tell her about it before. I really don't think you have anything to worry about as she should understand that it's a matter of security. We're all soldiers, Athrun, we know that takes priority. On the other hand, perhaps I should withhold my advice until you let me meet her!"

"But I've let her get so close to me," I begin, ignoring his last comment, "and now that I think about it, I was a total jerk for doing that. I feel like I gave her someone to lean on, now I'm just going to walk away and leave her to fall."

"Well, you've never let me meet the girl, but being a soldier, I'm sure she's stronger than you give her credit for."

"I guess you're right. I guess the bottom line is I'm going to miss her…"

"I dunno, think about it the other way around, would you be mad if you found out she was leaving?" Kira asks, turning to waddle in the other direction.

I hadn't thought about that at all. How would I feel? I think I'd be too upset to be angry. Damn, that just makes me feel worse. I don't even get to be the one to tell her. It is to be announced at the ceremony tomorrow night. Then four days later we're gone. Wow, this is going to be tough.

"Hey how does my pirouette look?" He laughs, hands above his head, heals together and bending his knees.

"Terrible. 3/10"

"Damn, oh well. Hey get off my bed. And quit looking so miserable. You've still got time with her, go enjoy yourself!"

I slide over to the side off as Kira climbs back onto the bed and crosses his legs.

"Not that I really have any emotional attachment to it, but I just realized I probably won't get a chance to sleep in my bed back in the dorm again," Kira comments.

"Hey, what if we all went back to my place after the ceremony tomorrow night? Apparently there's a shuttle going into town. We can bring Sienna and Monica and whoever else wants to come."

"Sounds like a plan. One last childish get together before we go," Kira says, his voice sounding way too serious for my liking.

* * *

Tomorrow evening rolls around much faster than I would have liked. Before I know it, Nicol, Tieria, Kira and I are getting dressed in our suits and preparing to meet the girls. Today is Kira's first time back to the dorm. His walking has definitely improved, but he's still not quite able to use the stairs. While it makes me feel selfish, I'm grateful that after everything, he's finally getting back to normal. There's no way I could handle if he'd been permanently disabled, or worse.

"Where's my tie?" Kira yells.

"Uh, which one was yours?" Nicol asks, holding up four different colored ties.

"The red one!" Kira says, grabbing the tie from Nicol's hand.

"Why did we put them all together in the first place?" Tieria asks.

"Because Kira and Athrun both tried to leave them in the common room!" Nicol says, shaking the remaining three ties in disbelief.

We've each been given a tie by the girl who is to be our date, apparently matching the color that they plan to wear.

"Athrun, yours was the light blue one, Tieria, the gold one," Nicol says, handing the ties out.

"And yours is the weird purple one!" Kira laughs.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with purple!"

"I'm joking, I'm sure it'll accentuate your figure wonderfully!" Kira laughs again.

"Says the guy wearing pink…" Nicol says under his breath.

"It's red!"

"You're colorblind…"

"RED! Guys, its red right?" Kira asks.

"I dunno, what do you think, Athrun?" Tieria says, a grin forming on his face.

"Yeah I'm not sure, it looks pretty pink to me," I say, obviously knowing that it's red.

"Seriously!" Kira exclaims.

"Yeah, I'd say it's pink," Tieria says.

"Whatever! I'm not afraid to wear pink!" Kira says proudly.

"Come on you guys, we should go meet the girls," Nicol say.

"Wait wait! Mouth spray!" Kira says, grabbing a bottle off his desk.

"Where did you even get that?" I ask.

"What, you plan on making out with your date in front of all the military officials?" Tieria laughs.

"No! It's just nice to smell good!"

"Whatever, I'm not drinking it," Tieria says.

"You don't drink it!"

"Let's go you guys," Nicol says.

"Fine!" Kira calls.

I laugh and follow Nicol and Tieria out the door, listening to Kira cough and choke on the spray. "Alright there?" I ask, poking my head back in.

"Huh?" He asks, then grins, "yep!"

It's nice to have the old Kira back, it seems like it's been forever and a year since everything was normal. Too bad were only gonna get a few more days of this before we take off. It's a terrible thought. Life is about to really start.

But my thoughts are completely interrupted as I walk into the common room and see Sienna standing near the fireplace waiting for me. I've never seen anything or anyone so beautiful in my entire life. She's wearing a short, light blue dress that matches the color of my tie. My jaw drops to the ground. Her hair is tied partially up and the rest of it falls down over her right shoulder. Her makeup is done in a way that is simple but striking. It's hard to believe this is a military event. I feel like I'm going to my high school graduation. I guess this is about as close as I'm going to get.

"You look stunning," I say quietly as I approach and hug her gently.

"Thank you, you don't look too bad yourself," she giggles into my ear. I pull back from the hug and look at her momentarily, soaking in the sight in front of me.

"Are you excited?" I ask, unable to wipe the large grin off my face.

"A little nervous, I've never been to a military event like this before," she says.

"We should get going," Lacus says amidst the group of us.

"Right," I say, only now remembering that I'm surrounded by a room of people. I glance around and spot Kira with Monica, she's wearing a wide collared red dress to match Kira's brilliant red tie.

"Monica, this _is_ red, right?" Kira asks her.

Nicol is with Meyrin, who is wearing a very Meyrin-ish dress to match Nicol's pink tie. Then there's Tieria. He's standing with a girl I think I've seen before, but I never really paid attention to. She is tall, slightly taller than Tieria with strawberry blonde hair, high cheek bones and a diminished-looking, chiseled chin. She's thin and lanky with very long features. Her eye look naturally bored. The only word I can think of to describe her is interesting – but Tieria looks happy, so that's all that matters. Her gold dress matches his tie.

"They're cute, hey?" Sienna asks me, also looking over at Tieria. "She really likes him."

"I've never seen them together," I admit.

"Well, you have had a lot on your mind, am I right?"

I quickly shift my gaze back to her; does she know?

"With Kira and all, and recovering," she says honestly. I silently heave a sigh of relief.

"I suppose your right," I sigh.

"Are you guys ready?" Nicol asks, ready to lead the way out of the common room.

"Let's go!" Meyrin says excitedly.

The youngest two lead the way down the hall and down the stairs into the massively overcrowded room. The room is filled with girls in dresses, boys in suits and socializing parents.

"I'm going to go find my mom," Sienna whispers, darting off before I have a chance to say anything. I had completely forgotten that I'd be meeting her parents tonight. In my opinion, it's still a bit too soon, but then again, things aren't exactly on my time anymore. This will more than likely be the first and only time I meet them. Ever since she told me about her father, I've resented him without even knowing him, but I've resented her mother for allowing her husband's bad behavior to befall her daughter. For these reasons, I'm not exactly excited to meet them.

As Sienna disappears into the crowd, someone creeps up behind me and whispers into my ear, "nervous?"

I jump slightly, then turn to see Tieria with his date on his arm.

"What? Oh hi," I say, turning to the girl in the gold dress to avoid Tieria's question. "Athrun," I say introducing myself.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Anya," the girl says in a dreamy, bored tone. "So you're the son of Patrick Zala…"

She is quickly silenced by Tieria, who gives her a soft elbow to the arm.

"Let's go find our table, k?" Tieria says to her.

She agrees, and they walk away. I nod to him as soon as her back is turned; he nods back.

Finally, the hype begins to die down, and we slowly begin to find our seats. I spot Sienna sitting at a table with a blond woman and a balding man. I take a deep breath and walk up behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder as I seat myself next to her. "There you are," I say to her, announcing myself and giving them fair warning of my presence, so as not to intrude on their possibly private conversation.

"Athrun!" Sienna exclaims. "Mom, Dad, this is Athrun," She says excitedly.

"Nice to meet you, Athrun," Sienna's father says, offering me his right hand.

"Forgive me," I say, holding up my still lightly bandaged right hand. Again, I'm not overly heartbroken at my inability to shake the man's hand.

"Ah, not a problem. We've heard a great deal about you," he says, taking control of the conversation.

Upon seeing this man, I don't like him one bit. He seems very controlling and stern. Her mother seems meek and cowardly; exactly how I pictured them. It's hard to believe they produced such a wonderful daughter.

"The accomplished Patrick Zala's son; it is really an honor to meet you," he says. "Will he be joining us tonight?"

Wow, this man actually worships my father. It's sick how excited he is that he may be graced by his presence. Could that be why they came here? Would they be here if not for my father? Maybe Sienna had to tell them about me to get them to come? I can only speculate at this point.

"Unfortunately, he won't be. I'm sorry to disappoint," I say formally.

"Oh not at all, I can understand that such a busy and important man must not have time for a minor event," the man says.

Disgusted by what I'm hearing, I quickly stand up, "excuse me for a moment," walking away as quickly as I can.

"Dad!" I hear Sienna begin to scold her father.

So her father approves of my father not attending his own son's military event. Worse when one considers that surely my father knows that my team will be officially announced. Without even realizing it, this man has reopened terrible wounds. Once again, without even realizing it I find my hand atop my right shoulder.

"Athrun? Are you ok?"

I turn to find Kira and Monica approaching.

"Athrun, what's wrong?" Monica asks, putting her hand on mine which still clutches to the scar on my shoulder.

Clearly my distress is visible.

"Um, have you met Sienna's parents?" I ask Monica.

"What?" Kira asks. I haven't seen him this Serious in days.

"Ah, the Patrick Zala advocator. Sienna has been worrying about this for days. What did he say?" She asks.

"He 'understood' that my father was too important and busy to attend this event."

"Ah," Monica says.

"What a jerk," Kira says.

"Athrun, you have to let it ago. I assure you that Sienna is sitting at the table right now telling her parents not to bring up your father again. This means so much to her; you mean so much to her. Don't let her father get in the way of what you guys have." Monica says. "I assume she's talked to you about him. Just don't take anything he says to heart, ok?"

"Yeah, easier said than done," I snort.

"Come on, let it go. You can hit Kira if it'll make you feel better?" She offers jokingly.

"Hey!" Kira exclaims. "Sorry Monica, but could you give us a second," He says, resuming his serious tone.

"Sure. I'm going to find our table," she says, giving us some space.

"This is one of your last nights with her, enjoy it ok? Let whatever this is go. Once she finds out you're leaving, her parents will be the last thing on your minds," Kira says to me.

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me," I turn, averting his eye contact.

"Athrun, knock it off," Kira says, putting both his hands on my shoulders. "Suck it up, and get back out there and have a good night. These are your last carefree moments with her! Let it go! And don't make me hit you!" He adds.

"Ok, ok." I say, using every fiber of my will power to push the negativity from my mind

"And I was thinking, after the ceremony, we should all go back to your place. You know, have one more night to just hang out and relax. I miss your place too," Kira says, his tone becoming one of longing.

"Yeah sure, sounds good," I reply.

"You ok?" He asks, still grasping my shoulders and looking me directly in the eye.

"Yes, I'm fine," I say honestly. I can do this.

"By the way, how is it that I disappear for a month and when I resurface, you and Tieria BOTH have girlfriends?"

We both laugh.

As I rejoin the table, Sienna whispers an apology into my ear. Her father's conversation topics have slightly improved, but turn out to be short lived as the ceremony begins. It plays out in a similar manner to our last one, calling the new Greens up, promoting a few to Reds, and speeches from some of the higher ups. But it isn't long before one of the generals announces the debut of a new team to be dispatched this week. I retrieve my hand from Sienna's lap as I feel my palms go sweaty. This is it. Kira and Tieria look much calmer than I feel, but I get a good idea of how I must look upon catching Shinn's eye. The colour has completely drained from his face and he looks like he might throw up.

"Up until now, the formation of this team has remained a secret. This is their first debut, so I would like to call upon the following students to join me up front."

My heart pounds so hard against my chest that I can barely hear what he is saying.

"Are you ok?" Sienna whispers.

I don't reply, as her question will be answered soon enough.

"Shinn Asuka, Tieria Erde, Kira Yamato, and," he pauses. "Athrun Zala."

Though barely audible, I can hear quiet discussion amongst the crowd.

"Athrun, let's go," Kira whispers to me, standing up next to me.

I stand up and Sienna's father, among others, begins to clap. His glorified expression hardly overshadows his daughter's look of astonishment that I'm trying so hard to avoid.

The General begins to speak again, something about how we all have combat experience and we were handpicked from a large group, something, something, and something. But my eyes, avoiding the Sienna's general direction, find themselves a new target to behold. My father sits front row center with a group of other well dressed military officials. Though listening intently to the Generals, words, his eye catches mine for a split second. Beneath his cold, hard eyes is an expression that I can't quite put my finger on. One of weakness, perhaps shame. But on the surface, he looks proud, and nearly arrogant. We both quickly look away from each other. I feel my shoulder throb slightly, but force myself to keep my hand down this time. I will not display weakness in front of him again. I am no longer his child. To me now, he's just another military man. The difference being, I probably hate him more than anyone else.

"I will now present to you, your pilot licenses and your new official ZAFT Red uniforms."

He does just that, handing each of us a black bag. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"Ladies and Gentlmen, I present to you, ZAFT's newest team!"

I can hear Sienna's father cheering louder than anyone, but I force my eyes to remain forward.

Finally, we are released and he allows us to leave, adding that this concludes the ceremony. People start moving from their seats and music begins to play.

"You alright?" Kira asks, clapping me lightly on the back of the shoulder.

"What? Yeah. I need to find Sienna," I say absent mindedly, hurrying back to the table.

"Congratulations, Athrun! Congratulations! This is huge news! You must be so proud!" Sienna's father exclaims. I ignore him and take Sienna's hand in mine. She won't look at me.

My heart stops. Is this actually going to be the moment I've been dreading for days?

"Sienna, can I talk to you for a minute?"

She stands up and I pull her away hopefully. Maybe everything will be ok.

"Athrun, Sienna! Come dance!" Kira and Monica call to us. I glance over to see a large crowd gathering on the dance floor from which tables have been cleared.

I look back at her. She still hasn't made eye contact with me.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. It was a military secret, but I wanted to tell you so badly. Please understand," I begin, completely exasperated.

"Athrun," she says, cutting me off. "I understand. But I really can't talk to you about this right now. I need to go to the washroom; then we can dance ok?"

Before I have the chance to answer, she takes off. I watch her as she runs off, and Monica too runs by me as quickly as her high heels will carry her.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. And turn to see Sienna's father. "Son, don't worry. She's proud of you. You should be proud of you. This is a huge accomplishme –"

"Excuse me, but I need to borrow Athrun for a moment. One of the – officials has asked to speak to him." Kira grabs my arm and pulls me away.

"Oh, not a problem!" Sienna's father says.

"Boy, he's easy to please," Kira says, dragging me away out of the man's sight. "What happened?"

"I don't know, she wouldn't look at me," I say to him.

"Sit," Kira says, pushing me down onto a bench. "What did you say to her?"

"I just said can we talk, and she said we couldn't talk about this right now."

"Relax then, she probably needs some time to let it sink it. Monica will smooth things over a bit with her. Did she just run off? Or did she say something else?"

"She said she was going to the washroom then we could go dance…" I say, puzzled now.

"See, she's not mad. Just give her some time," Kira offers.

"Yeah, see time isn't something we have a whole lot of." I say anxiously.

"Unfortunately, you don't have a choice. Let her think a bit, and you guys can talk later ok? This is a celebration, and I know you're not very happy about this, but try to have some fun, ok? Look at Nicol and Meyrin. And Tieria and… what was her name?"

"Anya."

"Come on, let's go back out there so she can find you," Kira says. He stands up again and offers me his hand. I look up at him momentary and then stand up. He's right. I have to let her come to me. This is her ordeal now; all I can do is wait.

I follow Kira back out into the crowd, he swipes two glasses of champagne and thrusts one into my hands. We stand to the side of the room and wait for the girls. All the while, people walking by are muttering words of congratulations to us.

"Yeah, thanks. Thank you," Kira mutters to them all as they walk by.

"By the way Athrun, you haven't actually introduced me to your girlfriend…" Kira comments.

"Yeah, right. I guess I can do that when they come back out. If they come out."

"Don't start."

Just as I'm about to put up an argument, the girls come walking out of the bathroom. Sienna's make up is slightly skewed, and it looks like she's been crying. I feel terrible.

"Are you guys ready to rejoin the party?" Monica asks, approaching us.

"You bet!" Kira says.

"One second," I say, offering Sienna my left hand, hoping desperately that she does. Thankfully, I am rewarded. She places her hand in mine and smiles. I grin back, then look to Kira. "Sienna, this is my best friend, Kira,"

"It's nice to finally meet you," Kira says, kissing her hand.

"And you," She replies.

Kissing her hand? I shoot Kira an awkward look.

"So you weren't kidding when you said she was beautiful, Athrun," Kira says to me, a devious look in his eyes. "Forgive me Sienna, but Athrun has a bit of a h –"

"So, rejoining the party," I interrupt, taking back my girlfriends hand and pulling her away from Kira.

Once Kira and Monica are a fair distance behind me, I turn to Sienna, "are you really ok?" I ask.

"Yes. We can talk later, ok?"

That's the last thing I wanted to hear. I need to talk to her now. This is eating me alive. But I can't. I can't force it out of her now. I'll have to wait. Hopefully she will be willing to come back to my place tonight and we can talk then.

"Ok then," I finally reply.

"Hey Athrun, I bet I can still dance better than you!" Kira teases. Although his walking has improved, his legs still aren't moving the way they used to. As Sienna pulls me onto the dance floor and takes my hand, I watch as Kira and Monica dance. Although not completely functional, Kira looks happier than I've seen him in days. To think that not four weeks ago, he was fighting for his life…

"Hey!"

I'm startled as someone slaps me in the face, less startled as I realize its Kira. "What was that for?"

"Quit looking so miserable, it's ruining your groove!"

"What groove!"

"You're not a bad dancer," Sienna says, her mood finally beginning to come around.

"I could say the same about you," I grin. I haven't even paid attention to her dancing, but feeling her body close to mine is enough in and of itself. Holding her next to me is possibly the greatest feeling I've ever felt. But then, the guilt returns. "Sienna look, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you."

"Athrun, please, can we talk about this later?"

"I'm sorry. Yeah, that's fine."

Although we do enjoy dancing the evening away, there's still that constant weight on my chest. If I had it my way, I would have talked to her right after the announcement. I don't even know what will happen to us. Are we officially boy friend and girl friend? If so, do we break up? I mean it only makes sense. It's hard to fully enjoy myself with these thoughts on my mind. That, and Sienna's father congratulating me every chance he gets.

* * *

**So there you have it. Kind of a rough ending, but like I said, there will be more, and hopefully soon. **

**I would like to point on that Anya is based of the character from Code Geass. However, I don't feel they really developed her character properly, so her name and (bored) expression are taken from there, but the rest is mine. **

**For anyone else wondering, I am still working on A world of darkness, but this is my focus right now. **

**I will not abandon this story! I am going to finish it. I know its taking a while, but I am working on it! Just to anyone who might be thinking that. **

**Thanks so much for your reviews guys, it means SOO much to me. I'm sorry that I didn't reply to all of them this time around, but I will make it up to you if you review again! To everyone who reviews anonymously, thank you and I'm sorry if I don't get around to answering your questions!**

**To Lauda:**

**I have read that fic you mentioned. Krilyn is an amazing writer, and I have huge respect for that story. I did however, have a hard time reading parts of it as it was rather heartbreaking. As much as I like the angst, I like to include more character drama and interactions, but angst is always necessary, as you can probably see by reading this story. (By the way, I'm working on another fic about Athrun that I think you will LOVE. See my profile and keep your eyes open for it!)**

**To Everyone else interested:**

**I am fairly certain I am going to write a sequel to this. All the ideas are on the drawing board now, but I wont start really putting it together until this story is done. I would like your opinion on something though. Would you like to see the sequel continue with the first person perspective? or would you rather it in third person? Let me know what you think please!**

**Thanks for reading everyone! I hope to have the next chapter posted soon, but unlike this one, I will not post it until I'm COMPLETELY satisfied!  
**

**Until next time... **


	29. Chapter 29: One Last Time

**So here it is, the final chapter. Keep in mind while reading this, that although its the last chapter, there _will_ be a part 2. So if it seems a little inconclusive at times, that's why. **

**I would just like to point out that no one picked out my error from the last chapter. When Athrun met Sienna's father and was unable to shake his hand because of his injury... its his LEFT hand that was mangled(as stated in previous chapters), not his right. Where are all of you observant readers? you should have caught that! LOL. I figured I'd better point it out though just in case someone was unclear on that later. **

**Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

Following the ceremony, Kira, Monica, Tieria, Anya, Nicol, Meyrin, Sienna and I board the shuttle along with several other students heading into the city for the weekend. Everyone seems to be calming down, which leads me to believe it could be an early night for everyone. This is fine though, as we have the entire weekend to spend in the city. The only thing I'm concerned about, is where are eight people going to sleep?

On the shuttle, Sienna leans against me as she normally would, but this time she is turned away from me, and her attention is fully on someone else. Still forcing myself to allow her space, I gaze out the window into the darkness. Can't she see that this is hard enough for me? Having to leave her and everyone else? Not to mention my only home. Then there's the whole other level; the part where I'm going to war for real. Who knows if I'll ever see any of these people again? I may never come back to this city. I need her support on this.

Once in town, all 8 of us pile off the bus and head for my apartment. While I feel bad for my neighbors, since they'll have to listen to us this weekend, I also consider them lucky since I'm hardly ever there. Even if I do anger them tonight, I'll likely never bother them again. So I'm not worried. On the other hand, I _am_ slightly worried about the prospect of having no food in the house for 8 people to live on for the weekend. Kira, Tieria, Nicol, Monica, Sienna, Meyrin and Anya are all staying with me for the weekend. We invited Shinn as well, but he opted to stay behind to mentally prepare. I think he just wanted to give us the last weekend with our friends, without any sort of tension.

"Hey Tieria," I say as everyone walks in the front door, oohing and ahhing over the site.

"Huh?"

"Remember that time you told me you could drive? Mind if I take you up on that?" I ask, holding up my keys. I'm not really in the best condition to drive, and neither is Kira. I'm not even sure Nicol knows how.

"But there's a grocery store across the street," he begins.

I shake the keys in his face again.

"Fine, let's go. But let's be quick," he says.

"Yeah, it won't take Kira and Nicol long to destroy this place again," I laugh.

I refrain from mentioning that this could be his last chance to try out my car. Tieria is cynical enough. The day he quits smoking will be the day I know he's pulled himself out of it.

As we pull out of the underground parking lot, I'm actually surprised by how well Tieria drives. Not many people drive standard well, but he's calm and clearly a practiced driver. I can't say I expected that from him.

Our trip to the grocery store is quick. We stock up on the essentials such a pop, junk food, frozen pizzas and instant noodles. Tieria also insists on buying breakfast food, as I agree so long as I'm not forced to cook.

In no time at all, we arrive back at my apartment to the rest of the gang playing video games.

"You know, I could hear you guys as soon as I got out of the elevator," Tieria laughs.

"Kira's beating us all at this game!" Meyrin whines.

"Give me the controller, I'll fix that," Tieria says.

"Uhhh I'm gonna get something to drink, anyone want anything?" Kira says, quickly dropping his controller into Anya's lap.

We all laugh.

I follow Kira into the kitchen and together we put away the food.

Spending time like this with friends doesn't seem right right now.

I notice Tieria sneak outside. I help Kira put away the last of the food, then return to Sienna on the couch.

They switch over to some sort of racing game. I've completely lost track of the games that we've bought so far. Tieria and Kira have both picked up a few on their own too. Nicol is racing Meyrin and she's destroying him. I watch Nicol go red in the face, but I can't help wondering if he's losing on purpose. He _is _that type of guy.

"Hey, give me two seconds," I say to Sienna amongst the laughter. Tieria has been outside for a while now.

"Sure," she replies.

I get up off the couch and slip outside onto the balcony.

"Hey, you alright?" I ask.

Tieria is leaning on the balcony making a meal of a cigarette.

"Yeah, it's just noisy in there, that's all."

"You don't enjoy the company?" I ask.

"I'm just not used to it. Before I came here I never spent recreational time with large groups of people. There's nothing wrong, I just needed some air."

"Right," I mumble, not completely convinced. Although he's probably the most composed of all of us, he must be at least a little nervous about taking off early next week. However, he knows how wrecked I am over it, and so he would probably never admit it to me. He's like an older brother in the way that he stays strong for the rest of us.

"So, how did Sienna take it?" He asks.

"I don't really know yet. She's acting fine, but she was clearly upset when she found out, and she won't talk to me yet. She said she just needs time."

"Never underestimate girls when it comes to not meaning what they're really saying."

"What? How do you know? How long have you been seeing this girl?" I laugh, since when does Tieria have experience with girls.

"Just something Anya told me. Although she likes to think that she doesn't do it, I think she does it without realizing. It's in their nature. They don't want to upset you, but at the same time, they want you to know. I think anyway."

"Riiiiight."

"How about Anya? How did she take it?"

"She was fine with it. That's why we're all here right? The time we've spent together has been great, but we're not at the academy to make friends. She gets that."

"Sienna never really chose to be here. She's still a young girl at heart," I sigh. That's what I love about her so much. She's so fresh and while she's had some rough times, she's untainted. And she's optimistic about life. That's not generally a quality I'm all that used to in people.

Tieria takes a long drag on his cigarette, "I'm sure it will all work out."

"Yeah…"

"Kira seems to be doing better, how about you?" Tieria asks, referring to my physical state.

"I'm alright," I mumble in response. "My hand is still pretty useless." I hold up the significantly smaller mass of tape and bandages in front of me. "The physical therapist is supposed to work with me on Monday before we leave. Just to give me some tips on rehabilitation. It's really going to be a matter of working around it for the time being."

"Well, typing with one hand isn't impossible. And mobile suit controls don't take too much coordination to operate. They wouldn't have taken you on this team if they didn't think you were fit for it," He says.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Do you feel ready?" He asks, this time not making any eye contact, staring straight ahead and putting his cigarette back to his lips. I watch as the tip ignites as he inhales, and then goes dark again.

"I don't know. I try not to think about it. I don't really have a choice in the matter…"

"Would you rather stay at the academy?"

"I – I… I don't know. I haven't really been able to answer the question 'why' since I arrived here. It doesn't really matter what I want though, right?" I grasp the railing in my right hand, crossing my left hand across my right and leaning backwards, stretching my shoulders out. My shoulder tweaks slightly, but it's not bad. It feels like the kind of dull ache that won't ever go away. Subtle reminders of hard-learned lessons; or so I tell myself.

"If you could go back in time, do you think you would walk the same path over again?"

"I – I… well I would love to find a way to save my mother, but aside from that… I really don't know. I wasn't really in a good state to make the decision I made, but I suppose I don't really regret it, if that's what you mean?"

"No, I don't really know what I mean. I've been asking myself the same questions for days. My options at the time were either I wasted away at the factory, or I came here. I suppose I could have gone to earth and found a house, but even then, I'd be wasting away."

"Would you do it differently if you had a second chance?"

He is silent for a moment, exhaling a long breath of smoke. "No. I don't think so."

"Do you feel ready?" I ask.

"Honestly, I don't really care what happens now. I think I told you that once before. I will do everything I can to protect this nation and my friends, but if I die… well I either stay on the battlefield for the rest of my life or I die. I'm not really sure what's better." He takes another long breath on his cigarette.

"You really don't value your life, do you?" I ask, sadly.

"That's one thing I've always noticed about you. You worry so much if you've made the right choice, and whether you're ready or not, or where you're going to end up. It proves that you do have hope. And I envy that about you. In fact, I feel like I've come as far as I have to protect you and the rest of my friends that have that outlook as well. I guess I feel like it makes me worth less."

"How do you judge the value of one life in comparison to another?"

"That's the flaw in this world, isn't it? Someone decided that coordinators are worth more than naturals. See if you can take that argument up with them."

After one more long breath of smoke, Tieria puts his cigarette out. "Shall we head back inside?"

At a loss for what to say, I feel like I should say something to encourage him; but how do you teach someone to _want_ to survive? I reply with "Sure, let's go."

I follow him back through the sliding glass door, and I feel a part of my heart break. How can he not care what happens to him? He's such a good person, and I know he could make a difference in this world. Do I value him more than he values himself? Maybe… if he can't care for his own life, I'll value it for him. I'll protect him to the best of my ability. That's what comrades – no, that's what friends do for each other. And he's definitely done the same for me before.

For the rest of the evening, we play video games, watch movies and eat junk food without a care in the world. Two separate times, Tieria and Monica make dinner for us. And finally, by about 4 am we're starting to wind down. I see now as a good chance to talk to Sienna. I take her hand and pull her into my room. She looks a little off.

"Hey, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she says without making eye contact.

"Listen, you need to talk to me about this," I say. I can't stand this anymore. I'm leaving in 3 days and I want to be able to live these days to the fullest.

"I know," she says, catching me off guard.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you understand why I couldn't, right? It's confidential to the military. I'm sorry, Sienna."

"It's alright Athrun, I'm not mad," she says.

"What?"

"Listen, I knew you were leaving. It's just a lot to take."

"What?" I ask, completely astounded, "how?"

"Anya. There's a reason you've never seen her around. She only just arrived here. The academy had to buy her out and convince her to enlist as an advanced intelligence agent."

"What do you mean?"

"Ever heard the phrase, if you can't beat them, join them?"

"Yeah?"

"In short, she's a hacker. Anyway, she's been here about a month, and she can get into all the academy's files. She found the information about a week ago and told me."

"Oh…."

"So why did you act so upset when you found out?" I feel my blood boiling slightly. She put me through all this for nothing?

"Because it was still upsetting! As soon as they announced it and you stood on that stage, it became real."

"Why didn't you tell me you knew?"

"Why didn't you tell me you were going?" She counters.

"You know why I couldn't."

"Well it was the same for me. I didn't know how much you knew. What if you didn't know? And I just told you out of nowhere? You'd lose your mind."

She's right. If I hadn't known and she brought it up, it would not have gone over well.

"I understand," I say. I'm now the one that won't make eye contact.

I guess this is how I was imagining it for her; not knowing a secret.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you," she says.

"I'm sorry too."

"I guess this is the nature of our occupation though, things like that have to take priority."

It really is the harsh reality. How do you even consider having a relationship when your job always has to come first? And especially when you're in my position; every time you step onto the battlefield, you risk your life. How could a woman ever love a man like that?

"Are… you ok?" She asks, finally looking me in the eye.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you?" I ask, not being completely honest myself.

"Listen Athrun, I enjoy your company, and I really like you. But I don't think we should get too serious about this, since you are leaving in 3 days after all."

"I understand," I say, feeling my heart nearly snap in two. This is exactly what I was afraid of. But then again, what did I expect? For her to uphold a long distance relationship with me despite not knowing if I'm even still alive?

Obviously she can see the pain in my eyes. She puts her arm around my shoulder and her chin on top of my head. I lean into her and let her hold me. "Like I said Athrun, I really like you. And I knew how much I liked you the minute I saw you. I think you felt it too, am I right?"

"Yeah."

"War is a terrible thing, and since both of us are in this… profession, I don't think a relationship is a good idea right now."

"Right," I say, feeling my voice nearly catch in my throat.

"But…" she begins, "When it's over, and were both safely back home again, I would like to give us a real shot. What do you think?"

I don't answer for a moment. Can I handle that strain? Do I really have a choice? Even if I said no, it isn't as though she'll give me my way. I'd rather remain in a long distance relationship, but it's not fair of me to ask that of her. If I say no, I lose out on everything. All I can do is agree. "Yeah, that sounds good I think."

"These last few days though, let's just enjoy ourselves. I don't want to be with anyone other than you, so I'll be waiting for you to come back to me, ok?"

Without even thinking, and without even meaning to, I lean in and slowly lean in to kiss her. I move slowly enough for her to pull back if she wants, but her lips meet mine, and it's simply magical.

It doesn't last too long, and we soon pull away. She looks at me and smiles. I smile back at her and wrap my arms around her.

"I'm going to sleep on one of the couches alright? I don't think it's a good idea to share a bed."

I confess myself disappointed, but she's right. It will be something to look forward to. Something to survive for. When this war ends, I'll come home to her, and we'll have a proper relationship.

"Sounds good."

"I'm gonna go snag a couch before they're all taken," she says; I can't tell whether or not she's just looking for an excuse to leave.

"Sure, good night then…"

"Good night Athrun. Thanks for letting us all crash here," she says. Something seems off.

She leaves the room and I continue to sit on the bed, staring at the partially open door.

"Oh, Athrun,"

I look up, and there's Kira with his arm, leg and head around the door frame. I can hear the girls laughing from the living room.

"Looks like we'll be bunking together tonight," he says seductively.

"Yeah, right," I laugh.

"I just gave your girlfriend my bed," he says, allowing his limbs to fall off the door frame.

"Well wasn't that noble of you. Good thing there's lots of room on my floor," I say.

"Aw! No fair!" He whines.

I know I can't let him sleep on the floor, he's still recovering and that would be cruel and probably unhealthy. I don't mind sharing my bed; it not as if we haven't been doing it since we were little kids.

After washing my face and brushing my teeth, it becomes apparent that I don't need to tell Kira he's allowed to sleep on the bed, as he's already sprawled across the entire thing with his eyes closed.

"Are the girls in bed?" I ask Kira, knowing that he's not actually asleep.

"All four girls are in the bedroom, Nicol is passed out on the couch, and last I checked Tieria was outside smoking. Probably sleeping in a chair with a cigarette in his mouth," Kira says without opening his eyes or moving.

"Man, he's going to prove that even coordinators can get lung cancer," I comment, tossing my hoodie in the corner of my room.

"I'm sure he'll either quit or at least cut back once we leave. Where would you even smoke on those ships?"

"Depends if we're on earth or in space I guess…"

I can already feel the conversation going sour. We try our best not to bring up this subject, but somehow it always surfaces.

"So I saw your dad there tonight, I guess you didn't talk to him?" Kira asks. I all of a sudden find myself wishing to resume the previous topic.

"No."

"Have you thought at all about making contact with him?"

"No, why would I?"

"Well, he's still your family, right?"

I look at Kira with a disgusted look on my face. "Are you serious?"

He backs down. I think I might have an idea of where this is coming from.

"Kira, he shot me. He was ready to sacrifice me to make his point known to the world. And he killed m –" I cut myself off. I don't know this for sure, and I've been able to keep it out of my head for so long. Tieria said not to tell anyone yet.

"What?"

"Nevermind. The point is, if he wanted anything to do with me, even after all that, he would have spoken to me."

"But he came to the ceremony; he didn't have to be there, right?"

"Yeah, and he didn't even make eye contact with me."

"But what if you're –"

"He has not been my father since the day I was shot. Even before that… Kira, you know this is as well as I do. Now what's this really about?"

"It's nothing," Kira says, shifting his glance away from me.

"This is about your family, isn't it?"

"It's just hard for me. I told you before that I wanted to cut ties with my adoptive family. But in truth, I never really wanted that. I wanted answers, and they refused to give them to me. When I came here, they thought I was abandoning them, so in the end it was them that cut things off with me. I wanted to keep contact, but they haven't responded to anything I've sent them. On top of that, why have my real parents never made any effort to find me? That's the question that's always plagued me. Why did they give me up? I have no way of finding them, but they must know where I was sent, or at least know someone who would know. I want to know them so badly. It's just hard knowing that you have the option to be a family with your father, and you choose not to."

"Kira, why didn't you ever tell me any of this?" I feel like a terrible friend. He's always been there for me, yet he didn't feel he could tell me this?

"You have enough on your mind. I didn't want to burden you anymore"

"No Kira, it's always about me. Now it's your turn. Regardless of what's happening to me, you can still talk to me.

"Well, I just told you, so…"

"I know you understand why I want nothing to do with my father. This is probably one of the worst things I could say to you at a time like this, but I would rather not know my father, than know what he did to me. What he did was worse than nothing caring about me."

"I know," he says sincerely.

"I'm sure this has been bothering you for so long that it's becoming so concentrated and pent up that you feel like it's going to kill you. You have all these questions and you're helpless to solve them. Am I right?"

"Yes, I think so. I just don't understand why they don't want me? Could I have done something wrong to them? It makes me feel horrible."

"I know what it's like to feel unwanted. But you have no reason to feel guilty about it. Who are they to not want you? You are not at fault here. You were an innocent baby. If anyone was in the wrong, it was them. If they don't want you, then why should you give them the time of day? Its hard losing the parents that raised you, I know that trust me; but it's the same for them, who are they to not want you? If they're such terrible people to abandon their son, then you don't owe them anything."

Kira has tears in his eyes now. I never thought he could ever feel the way that I do.

"We're a family now," I begin, feeling that I've heard this statement so many times myself, "You, me, Monica, Tieria, Nicol… We have each other. Why waste time and energy on the people who aren't worth it, when you have people in your life that care so much about you. That's how I feel about my father. He doesn't deserve my love or respect. If I worried about him that would just be time that could be spent on the people who really matter."

"I guess you're right…" Kira says, eyes straight forward.

"I wouldn't say it's easier when you have a reason to hate them, but pride makes anger less painful than sorrow."

"When did you get so good at this advice thing?" Kira jokes.

"I learn from the best!"

That night I don't sleep well. I lay awake long into the night staring up at the ceiling thinking about what's coming. It's as though my worries about telling Sienna were distracting me from the real problem that lies ahead. Now that everything is set in stone, all that's left is to walk the path that fate has handed to me.

But Sienna is still on my mind as well. Now that she knows, what's really going to happen when I leave? We kind of decided we were breaking things off for now, then trying again when this is all over. But in reality, that's not really breaking it off. If we decide were getting back together later, it's like I still have a girlfriend. I'm ok with that, but will she be? What if she finds a new boyfriend? What if she falls in love while I'm gone? I'm not sure I could handle that. So what do I do? Would it be wrong to ask her to wait for me? Even if she says we'll get back together when this is all over, does that mean she's going to see other people while I'm gone? Is it right for me to even be thinking about that at a time like this? I'm going to war. I would love to have something stable to come back to, but what if I don't come back? Do I keep her tied to me and put her at risk of being "widowed"? For her sake, I think my best bet is to let her go, and get over me. But could I do that? Where does she stand? Is she as attached to me as I am to her?

I toss and turn while trying to clear my head. I don't want to think, I just want to sleep.

Why did I get myself involved with this girl? I had to know it would only cause problems like this. I knew I was going away, what was I thinking? It wasn't even fair of me to do that to her.

Somehow amidst the wracking of my brain, I manage to fall asleep. It's not a deep sleep; it feels as though I'm drifting in and out of consciousness, waking up here and there, having nightmare about my father among other things.

The next two days feel completely surreal. It doesn't feel right that in the midst of so much drama, we can have such a normal get together and spend a weekend just acting like kids. We spend most of our time back and forth between the mall and my apartment. We break off groups here and there, but for the most part we're all together. While the mood is light for the most part, the idea of shopping for our "trip" as the girls have named it, seems rather daunting. Sienna and I haven't spoken further, and although it feels a little uncomfortable not knowing what we'll happen, I'm simply doing what I can to enjoy the moment. I've decided that rather than spending my time dreading what's going to come, I need to just soak in the last few hours of freedom. This however, has been difficult to overcome. I'm the type of person that's always expecting the worst, or just flat out paranoid, so it's difficult to push the negativity from my mind. This task grows much more difficult when we board the bus to return to the academy on Sunday night.

* * *

Monday morning holds my last physiotherapy session. My therapist has given me numerous exercises to continue with, none of which I can even remotely remember, and she was horrified at the idea of me being sent into the field already. I can see with absolute certainty that she's not the only one that feels that way. Nevertheless, sore hand and all, I leave the academy infirmary for the last time. Rather than heading up to dorm where the depressing sight of my packed luggage awaits me, I walk out the front doors to meet my friends outside, one last time.

Sienna greets me just outside the front door, and takes my hand in hers.

"Everyone's over by the lake. Come on, let's go," she says cheerfully.

I'm amazed by how calm she is. But then again, she's not the one ticking away her last couple of hours of her childhood.

We walk silently across the field and into the small forest. I remember the first time she brought me here. It really wasn't even that long ago; only a few weeks. I was shocked that I had never been here. I always jogged in the opposite direction, so I never came to this part of the property. I guess I needed to be taken to this magical place by someone else.

"Do you remember the first time we came here?" She asks, taking the words right out of my mouth.

"Yes," I say quietly.

She looks up at me, clearly noticing the state of my mood. I would say it's less pessimistic and more terrified now. She's been trying to lull me out of my grumpy state of mind all weekend, but now, I'm not sure she can better this feeling.

"Do you remember the story about the zombie ZAKU?" She giggles.

I look down at her in disbelief. "How could I forget," I laugh, unable to hold it in.

"That was one of the best days I'd had in a long time," Sienna admits, halting her giggling.

"Mine too," I agree, staring straight down at the ground.

"Sienna," I begin, I can't hold this in any longer, it's now or never. "Where do we stand when I leave?"

She stops and looks up at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what happens to us? Can we keep in touch? "

"Of course we can."

"Alright, I see." I reply, not really getting the answer I was hoping for.

"As for what happens in the long run, when you come back, if it's meant to be, things will turn out for us. That's really all we can do for now."

While again, it's not really the response I'm looking for, it's oddly satisfying. It makes sense.

"Let's just enjoy the time we have left," I smile to her.

"If you think about it, you'll be out there protecting me. That's pretty romantic," she smiles.

And then it hits me. That's my purpose – the reason I'm here, and the reason I'm going out there. For her, and for the rest of my friends. I'm here to protect them. I couldn't protect my mother, and I'm not about to make that same mistake again. I'll go out there and do what I have to to keep my friends alive, or I'll die trying. If I just sat back and did nothing and something happened to one of my friends, I would be so unhappy with myself. This way, regardless of what happens, I'll know that I've done my best to defend them. It's the only way I will ever be able to live with myself.

And just in time, I've found what I'm fighting for. It's like it's been there all this time, floating around my mind in pieces. I was just unable to put it all together.

As we exit the forest, I feel as though something heavy unloads from my shoulders. It's like a weight is gone, and I can finally stand tall, free, and unhindered. A feeling of optimism I could never imagine overtakes me.

"There you guys are! What took you so long?" Monica exclaims as we approach the clearing. The sun is high and the lake is crystal clear. Normally this time of year is pretty consistent with winter or early spring on earth, but right now it feels like summer. We're all in t-shirts and it feels almost warm enough to jump in the water.

"I know what took them so long!" Kira winks at us.

"You disgust me sometimes, you know that?" I say to him, holding back a laugh. My spirits have lightened immensely.

"I'm proud to say I do!" He laughs.

As the afternoon progresses on and the sun slowly begins to dip below the horizon of trees surrounding our clearing, our last day comes to an end. This afternoon was wonderful. We laughed, we played, and Kira even jumped into the lake with his clothes on. Now we're settling down, sitting on blankets atop the sand, watching the sun set in the presence of our friends.

Friends; they're all any of us really has now a days.

I glance over at Monica. She may still have her father, but she gave up her life and her identity to be here. And Tieria; he really doesn't have anything to turn back to. I think it took him his last ounce of sane will power to get him here, but I think it was worth it for him. He's a different person from the day I first found him in our dorm. He may still be pessimistic, but at least he has a reason to keep on going. Sienna also left her family to come here. I don't know that she'll ever be a part of that family again. And Kira. While he hasn't changed a whole lot as a person since arriving, his life has changed completely. He also calls this place his only home now, and his perspective on life has changed because of his family situation; I can tell. And then there is myself. This last year has changed me complete. I've grown up and progressed through some very difficult times, but I've pulled through as a stronger person, just like the rest of my friends.

Tonight, we embark on another new journey, one that has plagued our minds for weeks, and cast the greatest shadow of fear over our lives that we have ever known. But while things may seem rough now, in the long run, it's just another bump in this long, unpredictable path called life. We'll travel it together, and although we may not always be physically near one another, we'll always have each other in spirit, and catch each other as we stumble. After all, that's what friends are for, right?

* * *

**Ending theme: Survive - Rise Against**

**And there you have it, folks. That's the end of part 1. I have begun working on the second part, and just to stimulate your imagination, here are some of the questions still afloat that will be answered in the second half. **

**-What happened to Hylus?**

**-What will happen between Athrun and his father?**

**-Was the attack on Junius 7 a set up?**

**-Where are Kira's real parents?**

**-What is going on with the van Aderkas team?**

**-Tieria's past will be exposed**

**And of course the one you're all really wondering about... WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH ATHRUN AND SIENNA? (Don't worry, she's not going to disappear completely)**

**I'm still unsure whether I'm writing the second part in first person or third person POV, I may post a sample of both. **

**As for being alerted of the sequel's post, you can add me to your author alert, or just keep this story on your list, and I will post a chapter 30 to some how let you know that the second half is being posted. I'm not sure how long it will take me to get the first chapter up, but I hope to have something within the next couple of months - so hopefully within my normal posting pace. **

**K, time to REIVEW!**

**Tell me what you liked, what you didn't like, what you'd like to see happen in the sequel, and most of all, show me that you're INTERESTED! Reviews motivate me, so the more you motivate me, the more I'll be working on the next part! Feel free to PM me any time as well! There's nothing I love more than hearing from you!**

**Thanks for reading everyone! It means the world to me :)**

**Until next time! **


	30. Chapter 30: Preview

After what feels like much longer than a year, Athrun's training is complete, and despite the mess made by he, Shinn, and Kira, the three of them plus Tieria are disembarking from the academy and heading out into battle. However, Athrun soon finds out he's getting more than he bargained for when they four of them are assigned to ZAFT's newest ship, the Vermilion and are set to take off under the command of Captain Gladys. The pressure is immense; a launch like this has not taken place in some time. The most innovative ship that ZAFT has produced in years is boarded by four brand new, completely unique mobile suits, and they're to be piloted by the rookie pilots. Great things are expected of Athrun and his team, but is he ready? Are any of them ready for what is to come? Leaving his previous life and friends behind, Athrun will be forced to grow up whether he likes it or not. He and his team will encounter new and familiar faces long the way, and the answers to lingering questions will become clear. Will he make amends with his father? Where are Kira's real parents? Will Athrun and Shinn learn to coexist with one another? What is hidden in Tieria's past? What will become of Athrun and Sienna? What happened to Hylas? How did this war really come about?

These along with many other questions will be answered in the second installment of Equilibrium: Disequilibrium

* * *

**That's right folks! Part 2 is now posted! See you there!**

**Thank you for your support! It means the world to me :)**


End file.
